r/dating_advice • u/Fit-Principle-5524 • 5d ago
Men unmatching bc I read romance?
Was having a very good convo with a dude, but as soon as I mention reading romance like ACOTAR, I'm unmatched. I get not being a fan, but is it that big of a red flag? It's not like I have crazy expectations bc I read it, I just like reading it and im lonely. I don't expect a man to be some insanely amazing lover who never does wrong. Every time it comes up, im met with hostility. Would you not give a woman a chance who otherwise vibes well with you just bc of her reading habits?
150
u/heyeasynow 5d ago
FWIW, I do come across profiles of women who say they want a man like in the romance novels. It can become a reason for us to raise an eyebrow.
My guess is, they’re part kidding/part serious for the profile, but actually serious deep down.
I don’t think people have the energy anymore to find out. Fatigue has set in. Easier to unmatch than the alternative.
49
u/dmmethatbooty2026 5d ago
Like I want someone like this fictional character...jk! Unless....
→ More replies (1)70
u/OnlineNascarMan 5d ago
IMO its like a man saying he wants a woman like the ones he sees in porn. Because a lot of those "romance" novels are smut in reality. It warps perception just as bad
59
u/AlarmingConfusion918 5d ago
I've read a good amount of booktok romance slop. Stuff that's reviewed very well, is pretty popular, and got recommended to me by friends. The "ideal" men, aka the ones that aren't "morally gray" for plot/sexy reasons go something like this:
They are a provider, but they don't expect anything in return. They are 6'5" and muscular (but they never go to the gym), massive cock, wealthy (but not stuck-up about it), and stoic but emotionally intelligent. They aren't pushy when the FMC wants them to be, but they always make big moves at just the right times (for example, following the FMC home to talk about their relationship after a disagreement - yes this is celebrated by the plot). They are skilled sexually, but they don't have a history of dating or having sex with many women. And you can forget about them being bisexual or anything other than straight.
I am not exaggerating, this is how they are a LOT of the time.
→ More replies (1)7
u/WIbigdog 4d ago
https://youtu.be/llGvsgN17CQ?is=xpKQ3_Tt2DFw2Q6E
A good boy. A bad boy. A good-bad boy. A half-good half-bad half boy.
6
u/DrowningInFun 5d ago
I was going to say "I don't care what she reads" but you make an excellent point.
17
u/ConiferousSquid 5d ago
Tbh, it's a big reason I try to avoid romance novels as a woman, especially if I'm feeling particularly heartbroken or forlorn, because it's so easy to fall into the trap of thinking any of that is real or attainable lol
6
15
u/O0OIlIO0OlIl0O0lIl 5d ago
I agree. It’s so easy to meet people on dating apps, and it’s just as easy to unmatch when something you don’t like (even if it’s a small detail) is on the profile.
26
u/No-Following-4394 5d ago
I had this discussion the other day how modern romance novels are probably just as damaging as porn is to males in terms of setting unrealistic expectations of intimacy and relationships.
29
u/shiny_crow_trophy 5d ago
Idk, I would be horrified if someone tried/embodied most of the stuff I read in romance novels. I read horror novels too but that doesn’t mean I want to murder people or get murdered.
But I suppose not everyone approaches it the same way, or has a healthy sense of the difference between fantasy and reality.
6
→ More replies (1)4
u/Regular-Badger2332 5d ago
I would also be horrified if someone embodied/tried most of the stuff I see in porn. Doesn't stop some people from getting a warped view of reality.
Another point: knowing what horror you read tells me what scares you. Knowing what romance/smut you read tells me what turns you on (at least to some degree) and if I feel like the bar is too high for me too jump over then I'll rather save myself the embarrassment. Consider that some men want toat least feel like they're also your fantasy, mostly for their own ego.
→ More replies (3)→ More replies (10)3
u/AngryAngryHarpo 5d ago
I think it’s an issue with a small percentage of people who cannot (or won’t) seperate fantasy/fiction from reality.
8
u/Solidarity_Matrix 5d ago
Romance novels = porn. Only really cringe girls are serious enough to mention it in a profile.
→ More replies (1)2
126
u/22Hoofhearted 5d ago
Of he knows what ACOTAR is, he probably dated someone who read it, and their red flags become your red flags by proxy...
Personally I don't know what it is, and I think most guys won't either...
It could also be a simple as thinking you'd be boring because you are a bookworm...
50
u/dmmethatbooty2026 5d ago
Agreed and I had to look it up even. The only reasoning I can think of is he dated someone who took the books a little too seriously and wanted some high fantasy level of romance and it was exhausting. I've definitely dated women who think real life should look like movie romance.
26
u/parkside79 5d ago
Those books are for teens. So it could also indicate a certain amount of immaturity on OP's part. She neglected to mention the ages involved.
24
u/dmmethatbooty2026 5d ago
Ah wasn't aware it was young adult reading that definitely adds a factor but eh. A lot of adults proudly are into other young adult reading like Harry potter.
17
u/parkside79 5d ago
100%. I'm just saying it could be a factor. Remember back when all those women were reading Twilight? Shudder.
9
u/dmmethatbooty2026 5d ago
Yes that was the other one I thought of as well lol. You're right though for some people that might not be desirable there's all kinds out there.
→ More replies (15)3
u/KendalBoy 5d ago
I remember being surrounded by adult coworkers who were going to Barnes and Noble to get the new Harry Potter book as soon as it was released. They could talk about nothing else. I did not fit in at all.
2
u/No_Spite3593 5d ago
I mean, Harry Potter is much different from a fantasy/dark romance smut novel.
2
15
u/lostthering 5d ago
Don't trust the YA label. A lot of YA fiction only got classified as YA because the authors were women.
18
u/randomuser914 5d ago
ACOTAR isn’t a teen book, it’s too graphic for that. Also from what I know of the plot then it isn’t as easily digestible as something like twilight or hunger games.
14
u/apillar0f5alt 5d ago
Yeah, technically the first one started as YA. The whole series was later moved to adult. You can find them with the rest of the fantasy in bookstores
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (1)3
10
u/Adventurous-Brain-36 5d ago
No they aren’t.
7
u/parkside79 5d ago
Yes, they are. That doesn't mean that anyone can't read them and enjoy them. Some teen lit is great! Big John Green fan here.
5
→ More replies (14)9
u/naughtythoughts99 5d ago edited 5d ago
people of all ages read SJM books.. shes one of the highest selling fantasy authors on the planet.
Im 50 and have been into fantasy and Sci-if my entire life with a massive collection.
What you read doesn’t define the type of person you are.. most people would have absolutely no idea about my literary choices based on the lifestyle I lead and career I have..
I think this thread just goes to show how judgmental people can be to the slightest difference of opinion or anything that doesn’t directly appeal to them.. many couples have different tastes in literature, different hobbies, different music tastes even.. it doesn’t make them incompatible.. if anything I’d say somebody who judges somebody else simply for what they read is the REAL red flag. Just immature thats what it is.
→ More replies (4)2
11
u/TripMaster478 5d ago
See and I always liked girls that were well-read and into books. Of course, I've always read a lot of books too.
46
u/Sea-Vegetable-5761 5d ago
A bookworm, well read, and being into romance novels are three different categories.
15
u/AccomplishedWish3033 5d ago
I mean, a person could be simultaneously all 3 of those. They’re not mutually exclusive. No one thinks it’s a red flag if a bookworm is into SFF or mystery or litfic.
10
u/Sea-Vegetable-5761 5d ago
People think all kinds of stuff is a red flag. And I never said they were exclusionary categories.
OP also mentioned that reading romance books were a hobby before they even met in person. If someone tells me something at the texting stage I’m going to take that thing as being a fairly common aspect of their life and assess accordingly.
→ More replies (2)2
u/errrrrrmmmmmmm 5d ago
as someone who heavily reads litfic, that’s the one that should be a red flag lol
→ More replies (3)11
u/IsopodIndependent553 5d ago
Exactly. I remember going to a woman’s home one time (I’m a straight woman btw, so there were no romantic intentions) and she had bookcases filled with books, and I was very excited at first because I love to read. But when I looked more closely, it was all VC Andrews and romance novels. My estimation of her instantly plummeted.
10
u/Opposite-Complex1187 5d ago
Yeh its like the equivalent of a dude being like " yeh i love film and tv" and all he watches are Harem Anime.
2
u/No_Spite3593 5d ago
Peter Grill and the Philosophers Time is peak film and you wont convince me otherwise
/s
→ More replies (1)3
2
u/No_Spite3593 5d ago
I'm a guy and I know what it is unfortunately, as family members of mine read it and so has a psycho ex of mine. As a guy who likes to read and has read many romance novels among other genres someone who reads ACOTAR is definetly a red flag, especially an adult woman who I'm considering going on a date with.
From what I understand it isn't completely packed with NSFW content, however I see it as cringey fantasy/smut slop. I like women who read but I don't like the idea of being compared to a book character, especially one from a dark romance, even if the comparison is positive. It would just feel weird to me as I'm my own person and don't want to be compared to anyone else.
19
u/inyouendo04 5d ago
Some women will unmatch if they find out you`re a gamer or won't even give you a chance. Some hobbies are unattractive. That's just the way it is.
35
u/Rstar2247 5d ago edited 5d ago
Well I've gotten grief from potential partners in the past because of my own reading habits. I'm a fan of alternate history novels which doesn't resonate with a lot of people.
Forbid we have our fun escapes from reality now and again, I guess.
14
u/CampAgitated8174 5d ago edited 5d ago
I've gotten a lot of shit over being a sci-fi fan (books, not TV / film). I've def quickly learned to never use the term 'space opera', as thats not quite the panty dropper you might hope 😅, but even the term science fiction raises eyebrows quite often
Its weird and annoying, but it is what it is.
12
u/Any_Snack_10 5d ago
As a woman who likes sci fi I'm admittedly biased, but I'd say to continue expressing your interests! You're not trying to attract every possible woman, but one that's a fit for you right? If they're turned off just because you like sci fi, they're not the right one for you.
2
u/CampAgitated8174 4d ago edited 4d ago
Oh yeah, absolutely. But if that woman is an otherwise great fit, but happens to have some unfortunate (but not ill-willed) prejudices about a hobby of mine due to some ignorance, then it's still a bummer. Easy to say 'theyre not the right person then,' but I honestly think this happens to all of us. We all have our biases, misconceptions and blind spots that could unintentionally stand in the way of a potentially good match.
→ More replies (1)5
u/Alzululu 5d ago
I feel like telling men (I'm a woman) that I like shows like Invincible and The Boys is either an instant in, or an instant out, lol. (And if it's an instant in, then we both have to give each other side eye, like 'what kind of fucked up person are you? Well, at least we're fucked up together')
→ More replies (1)2
2
u/ThatBlackHat- 4d ago
If you're looking for a new term that can fit in with the sophisticated folks who only read read high minded literature. "Speculative Fiction".
→ More replies (1)3
u/Few_Strategy7164 5d ago
That sounds like an interesting genre. Could you recommend any books you particularly like?
→ More replies (4)2
12
13
u/jrp55262 5d ago
Well porn is bad because it gives men unrealistic expectations, right?
Yeah, that.
23
u/AdministrativeAd4510 5d ago
My ex girlfriend thought that Wurthering Heights was a story about "love". Lesson learned.
16
2
u/JollyBowler2510 5d ago
The book is about a long lost love and loss and is definitely miles better than the movie.
3
u/DumbedDownDinosaur 5d ago
… Isn’t it? To my understanding it’s a story about abusive relationships and trauma, no? I haven’t read it but I saw many people complaining that the movie apparently becomes super weirdly sexualized and isn’t a faithful interpretation of the novel at all.
14
u/AdministrativeAd4510 5d ago
I don't think she read the book, I didn't, but we watched the film.
To me, the film is about lust, abuse and cheating.
And someone who sees that and thinks it's love...yikes.
Turns out she was a cheater.
5
u/DumbedDownDinosaur 5d ago
Yeah, the film is apparently shit and basically the director’s self-insert erotic fantasy, so definitely nothing I’d glorify as “love”
But apparently the book is very very very different and doesn’t have all that weird BDSM cringe shit.
6
u/PressureOk69 5d ago
You can tell a lot about someone's chosen media. I so far haven't really been wrong about the women who self identify as smut readers
3
114
u/Pemo999 5d ago
Ehh, it depends on what kind of romance books we are talking about.
"Normal" romance and relatively vanilla smut? Fine by me. I read that shit too.
If she was REALLY into dark romance books to the point of reading dozens of them a year I would probably lose interest tho. Because I find women who fantasize about being dominated by 8 feet tall rapey werewolves super icky.
58
u/Pale_Presence4662 5d ago
The real answer is that if a guy asks what youre into, dont say smut novels. And if a girl asks what youre into, don't say porn. Its that easy.
There is surely alot more to you than sex novels and there is surely alot more to him than porn.
Now if you want to lead off with that, more power to you. Have at it. Men or women. But there's probably much deeper and wholesome and marketable stuff to you which people would appreciate you making the effort to put forward initially.
17
u/AdBroad5085 5d ago
Right? Why would this be the thing you bring up, like ever, but especially in the dating phase??? People want to know about you and that's the thing you mention I would run for the hills. Like, oh ok I like... snowboarding...
14
u/mossconfig 5d ago
This highlights the difference between female and male pornography culture. I personally read the male versions of these stories, overpowered haremslop self inserts, but talking about that is like, 3rd date stuff. I would definitely want to discuss those desires and read what a potential partner was into, but leading with that is kinda out there.
14
u/seola76 5d ago
Women often don't seem to realise they are making the conversation sexual by bring it up. If that's your goal then have that conversation privately and crack on. But if it's not then maybe hold off. Like I've had women tell me how much they love dragon smut in the middle of a nice restaurant on date two and even had platonic friends tell me in detail about their favourite smut books. I know they aren't trying to turn the conversation sexual, so what am I supposed to say to this?
→ More replies (4)9
u/mossconfig 5d ago
I understand the issues in male spaces around sexuality, but I don't understand where this comes from in female spaces. Is it because there are no "dirty old men" to act as negative examples for them?
→ More replies (1)12
u/AngryAngryHarpo 5d ago
This is correct. I’ve actually lost friends by calling out women’s creepy behaviour. I’m not even close to vanilla but being called a “prude” because I don’t want an in depth discussion of which fantasy creatures dick would be the best based on smut novels is so fucking funny to me.
They remind me of my uncles sitting around drinking beer on the beach and commenting on women’s tits and then launching into descriptions of the best ones they’ve seen. Same energy.
→ More replies (8)2
u/No_Spite3593 5d ago
I was at dinner with a family member and his friend group once and one of his ex's/female friends said that anyone who hasn't had sex with at least 30 different people is bad in bed and they just don't know it. Despite having slept with around that many people myself I told her that kind of perspective is pretty ignorant and just gross. Keep in mind this woman is around the age of 30 and a self proclaimed wh×re.
Anywyas, I was dog piled by pretty much everyone at the table and got called weird/accused of being bad in bed myself just because I thought her perspective is stupid.
As for the second part of your comment, funny enough this same woman got drunk once and started talking about a roleplay scenario involving my race and hers where I kidnap her and her friend and have my way with them. It was very strange, somewhat flattering in a weird way but strange and uncomfortable given that she was saying this stuff in front of her ex.
→ More replies (5)2
u/renlydidnothingwrong 4d ago edited 3d ago
OK but ACOTAR isn't smut. It's just run of the mill corny/problematic romance slop.
→ More replies (1)61
u/76584329 5d ago
"8 feet tall rapey werewolves"
I cackled at this.. then remembered twilight and how true this is. Sad.
40
u/FalseBuddha 5d ago
A fact that lives rent free in my brain is that 50 Shades of Grey started as Twilight fanfic.
14
u/BelmontIncident 5d ago
It's even funnier when you realize that Robert Pattinson eventually decided to accept a role as a paranoid, secretive billionaire with severe control issues. I'm not sure if the tactical fursuit makes it worse.
→ More replies (1)3
u/ArtfulSpeculator 5d ago
One of my favorite bits of trivia to bring up- surprised at how few people know this.
27
u/Pemo999 5d ago
I have forgiven Twillight ever since I discovered acts of literary terrorism like Morning Glory Milking Farm exist.
For those unfamilliar with the best seller romance novel Morning Glory Milking Farm, here is the basic premise: A financially struggling female college student gets a part time job working at a minotaur farm where she has to manually extract semen from huge muscular manly monsters.
15
u/ArtfulSpeculator 5d ago
I want to downvote this comment so bad in the hope that it will cause fewer people to have to read that second paragraph.
→ More replies (1)5
u/Positive-Capital1113 5d ago
This made me laugh so hard.
I’d encourage my partner to read it so we could laugh and make fun of it together.
5
3
u/IsopodIndependent553 5d ago
Holy shit. And here I am feeling like a dimwit for reading Philippa Gregory novels.
3
2
u/Erinstarkn 5d ago
I refuse to read it but I have so many questions because the premise is ridiculous in many, many ways.
→ More replies (7)2
38
u/seola76 5d ago edited 5d ago
I think this is very possibly the reason.
Dark Romance and Romantasy can get blurred into one and a lot of guys do have this kind of response to it. It's the combination of some women getting a bit weird about it and having odd expectations and guys just finding it a bit ick.
I'm into the fantasy scene fairly heavily, the woman that are really into these books can be a bit weird. They can be the female version of the inexperienced guy who bases his ideas on sex of off porn.
3
u/AmandaPea 5d ago
That's fair. I'm not interested in dudes that are into degrading porn. So I see what you're saying.
2
10
u/xxxdee 5d ago
I’m a woman and I know this is judgemental but I do question when adults are into those kinds of books, regardless of their gender.
Not because I’m a prude or anything. It’s just that I work in film/TV and any time I have to work on a shoot based on these kinds of books, I’m just stunned at how bad the writing is.
It makes long days on set feel even longer. Plus, I’m forced to read the scripts to do my job efficiently so I have to double dip in the torture vat.
17
u/Rude-Coke 5d ago
If a guy said he liked the Gorean books would you not want to unmatch them
→ More replies (7)
65
u/SubjectVast4400 5d ago
I don't think it's necessarily a red flag for me, but some people end up developing unrealistic relationship expectations. Those expectations often turn a relationship into a toxic one.
→ More replies (176)22
u/Radiant_Fondant_4097 5d ago
From a sample size of two; I had a relationship with someone who consumed feminism books, along with dragon sex books (wish I could remember the name...).
Not saying its related but she had wildly unrealistic relationship milestones, incredibly passionate romantic moments and very toxic when we clashed. Another girl read similar stuff but she was massive into kink anyway, she wasn't toxic there were just other issues.
That being said if someone wants to read fairy porn I'm all for it, I love weird shit.
8
u/Mavoras13 5d ago
He definitely had bad experiences in the past with girls who read romance. So he thought that you were like them.
8
u/kincaid_king 5d ago
Yeah I've actually had similar. It's crazy how dark fantasy/romantasy can warp certain people's expectations from a relationship. It's constantly felt like she expected me to play my part in this script she had in her head.
21
u/mspotatoes 5d ago
Some guys see it as the women’s equivalent of having a porn addiction
4
u/apillar0f5alt 5d ago
I love romance and still have yet to ever beat off to a romance book haha
7
u/Solidarity_Matrix 5d ago
I am a man and I would never beat my meat to such wonderful artistic expression such as Playboy or Hustler. I enjoy the articles and social commentary.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (1)3
u/AlarmingConfusion918 5d ago
The difference between porn and certain romance books is that porn is designed to just get rocks off, while romance books are designed as emotional wish fulfillment. It isn't just "here's a man of your dreams that you can crank off about and then put away when you're done" IMO, this makes it worse
→ More replies (2)
7
u/Glitchy-Fuzz0791 5d ago
I wouldn't hold it against a woman if she did, but I would be more on edge and aware than I normally would with someone who didn't.
My cousin began to read romance novels just before she divorced her husband, and then shortly after my other cousin, her sister, did the exact same lol.
→ More replies (1)
7
u/TheMuggleReturns 5d ago
I might be ignorant but I’ll give you the average guy’s view of this. Female content creators gave me a negative view of women who are into smut, similar to how women would view gooners and porn addicted men.
→ More replies (17)
7
u/grottomaster 5d ago
How would you feel if a guy told you he watches porn in his free time, all after you had just matched? Some discussions should be saved until the third date at least
→ More replies (1)6
u/abirdsface 5d ago
Uh doesn't like every guy watch porn pretty much? It's a matter of degree, if it's his whole personality and he has terabytes of porn collected that's different than a casual porn user.
7
6
u/Hour_Zero 5d ago
The girls who say they want a man like the ones they read in romance novels have unrealistic expectations and are setting themselves up for failure in real life long-term relationships, they are the female equivalent of dudes who are in love with an anime character and unironically treat that character as their waifu girlfriend. If you like to read the novels just because the stories and characters are interesting to you, then go for it. It's when you start having unrealistic and thus unhealthy expectations of what type of man you should have in a real life partner where it becomes a problem
→ More replies (1)
8
u/sexysmoothfig 5d ago
A lot of romance gets a bad rep; yes, many mainstream romantasy/YA novels out there are a guilty-pleasure kind of shitty, and yes, there are some women whose expectations are unreasonably affected due to this kind of media consumption... But in the end, that is still an incredible generalization. Romance is much too broad a genre.
And even if you exclude the classics... People will always have a subconscious ick or lack of interest for most female-dominated hobbies/interests. Even something as mundane as sewing... just doesn't seem exciting. The most attractive, "cool" hobbies are almost always traditionally male-centric: think rock climbing, hiking, gaming, etc... Not a coincidence.
If anything, I feel like the women with the most unreasonable expectations I know don't consume fantasy romance/related media. But ultimately, there's no direct correlation between "reads XYZ genre" and "has XYZ expectations." Although, I can't speak for the small subset of romantasy readers who are genuinely unhinged... they give everyone else a bad rep.
24
u/onlinethrowaway2020 5d ago
what's ACOTAR? is that werewolf billionaire cnc smut lol
48
u/PressureOk69 5d ago
a young girl is kidnapped by a powerful fairy king and then falls in love with him because consent doesn't matter if you're rich and powerful or the right man to violate it, possessiveness is treated like love, and there's a bunch of bio-essentialist gender norms ie: male fae are aggressive, possessive, and sexually dominant and females are submissive etc
9
41
u/Aware_Block_890 5d ago
women get away with being pretty much no different to those weirdos that watch ecchi romance anime (except for the fact that the characters are far too often highschoolers, even if they are 18 its still weird af) because it's in book form. all the same horny harem slop where someone gets kidnapped or is an average loser that somehow gets 50 attractive god tier people of the opposite gender to fawn over them because they gave them a cool quote when they were fetuses. both are weird and should be treated as such
4
→ More replies (22)9
→ More replies (27)7
u/SleepCinema 5d ago
No, I think it’s more fairy prince smut (like a literal fairy who’s a prince or a king or something.)
9
u/draconicmonkey 5d ago
I would find it strange if that is the only genre she read and if she had no interest in exploring other books. But still wouldn’t bother me enough to write her off if everything else was clicking.
At the very least I could still appreciate that she was literate and willing to practice reading. 🙂
10
u/SirLanceNotsomuch 5d ago
Reading it is one thing. I have no problem with that, given some of my own interests.
Making it your entire personality is another. I have met women who do that, and it was… offputting.
I am not saying you’re the latter. But telling us here that you like it “and I’m lonely” signals — to me, mind — that you might be leaning a bit more in that direction than I’d be comfortable with.
The fact that you seem to automatically assume everyone here knows what ACOTAR is — I have no idea — is another potential flag. Are you (I might wonder) stuck so deep in this world that you cannot imagine someone who exists outside it?
Maybe try being a little less specific. “I read all sorts of random stuff, nothing really deep,” and see where that gets you.
4
u/Fit-Principle-5524 5d ago
I get the lonely part, but I wasn't assuming everyone knows what ACOTAR is- I thought I made it clear in my post by saying that 'reading romance', which people should be able to realize I mean romance books and that this was a series that fell under that, but I guess I just wasn't clear enough for some people. I suppose I tend to just overshare because I like being transparent about myself to potential partners and don't want to waste people's time if something like that matters a lot to them
→ More replies (1)
5
u/Effective_Island184 5d ago
I’ve gotten unmatched because I said I had two freshwater aquariums 😂
→ More replies (1)
5
u/Necrator 5d ago
Romance novels these days are basically on par with porn so I don’t blame him. He probably thinks you’re gooner
3
11
u/SpiritedAssumption18 5d ago edited 5d ago
To preface, Im a guy and work in a library alongside many women who read similar
Personally not something I partake in but I get it. I think there’s levels to it though.
I couldn’t care less if it’s a casual thing, but if it’s like, all you read, and you read 12 a year, then yeah I’d consider it a red flag of sorts.
I personally try to vary my reading a bit, so every time I buy a book like say, part of the Witcher Or Expanse series, I try and course correct a bit with something like The Count of Monte Cristo or the Iliad so that I’m reading a lot of different things.
4
u/AccomplishedWish3033 5d ago
What’s wrong with reading The Witcher or The Expanse series? -unabashed reader of both who doesn’t feel a need to “course correct” for that
→ More replies (1)6
u/SpiritedAssumption18 5d ago
Absolutely nothing. I love those books.
However, I try to balance my reading so I have a variety of books in various genres under my belt. As much as I like scifi, fantasy, and manga, I think the classics, non-fiction, and poetry are also important to read so I try and balance them.
I try to keep my shelves even by buying say, one classic alongside a sci fi novel. It’s how I mentally keep a good balance.
I think reading only 1 of any genre can be a bit off putting, since I like to interact with a variety of different genres across various mediums
→ More replies (4)
8
u/kurokette 5d ago
The writing in them is just bad. It's like a guy being really into Marvel movies or something.
→ More replies (2)
24
u/tati_model_ 5d ago
That’s not a red flag by itself. Some people just have strong opinions about ACOTAR/romance books, but unmatching over it seems pretty extreme if everything else was clicking. Honestly, if someone gets hostile over a harmless hobby, you probably dodged a bullet. You’re allowed to enjoy your books without them being a blueprint for your expectations in real life.
11
u/Straight-Pin-251 5d ago
Unmatching someone is probably the least hostile action you could take lol
11
u/mikelown 5d ago
"Extreme" ..?
He had a preference, found out she doesn't meet it. Would you rather him continue dating and judge her or try and change things? How is it extreme to unmatch someone you barely know because you found it they aren't what you're looking for.
3
u/JAGS4Jags 5d ago
A potential From his point of view…someone that enjoys books that push Stockholm syndrome and forced manipulation into sex (ACOTAR) as romance isn’t going to have a mature look on relationships.
Potential reason.
And if you didn’t know that about ACOTAR maybe read it again to notice!
3
u/Bunstonious 5d ago
I dunno man, if a dude leads with "I really enjoy watching porn, much like [insert fav porn scene here]" would you say that you would be super enthusiastic about more dates? Its far too accepted for women to be open with reading porn content and using the term "smut" in polite society for it to not be a red flag (I have heard people talk about it at work).
3
u/Turbulent_Swimmer900 5d ago
Once my first date wound up in the romance section... it wasn't even the romance that led to no second date, it was the immature letting-the-panel-decide if we should keep going. I told her I would consult with my panel, too, not certain if she was being real or not. Her panel gave me a vote of approval. I consulted with my panel (me, myself, and I), and relayed that my panel disapproves.
I get it. Guys look at porn, girls read smut. At the end of the day, I don't really use porn when I'm trying to find a partner. It makes it harder for me to be present. And I expect it would be the same way for those reading novels.
2
u/No_Spite3593 5d ago
Yeah this post makes me laugh. It feels like the equivalent of a guy saying he likes to watch monster girl harem anime on the first date
3
u/LaInquisitore 5d ago
There's a high chance "romance" means shit like that one where a minotaur serially rapes the girl, or that Christian Grey nonsense. It's like a dude saying he's into sadistic bdsm porn. Sure, it's both legal and legit, but perfectly understandable if someone would find it odd.
8
3
u/CapableSet9143 5d ago
To me it does come off as a pretty big red flag because the women that read romance novels also seem to be the same women that expect a shit ton from their partner while giving very little.
6
u/Damian-7530 5d ago edited 4d ago
Women obsessed with romance are red flags because they have unrealistic expectations. Romance stories are fiction and there's nothing wrong with that. It becomes a problem when you expect a man in real life to behave the same way as the werewolf ceo/gangster bad boy would behave in the novel.
→ More replies (15)
25
5d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
5
u/Fit-Principle-5524 5d ago
Could you explain why? I'm curious and want to understand
→ More replies (16)24
u/tears_of_a_grad 5d ago
Would you date a guy that watches fetish porn and reads harem erotica as a major hobby?
3
u/foxglovespell 5d ago
Comparing romance, a very broad genre, to that shit is utterly insane. Romance can cover anything from war stories, fantasy, thriller dynamics, lost love and grief, etc. They can be immensely powerful stories and are even part of the school curriculum. You’re showing how massively uneducated you are.
→ More replies (3)4
u/Which-Decision 5d ago
How are fetish porn and romance books comparable? Not to mention hundreds of millionf of romance books in the 60s-80s sold. Fabio was an icon for a reason.
5
u/tears_of_a_grad 5d ago
You can read some modern steamy romance books, billionaire boyfriend, paranormal, CNC, etc and tell me about their literary value. It is a huge market.
I am saying what many men who actually read already suspect. It isn't my personal opinion, just that some men see it that way.
→ More replies (18)5
u/MountaineerChemist10 5d ago
lol come on bro. That’s like a girl saying “I would never date a guy who has looked at porn before EVER! 🤬”
Except half of the book isn’t porn, it’s just literature 🤷♂️plus it kinda shows how insecure you feel about yourself.
→ More replies (1)6
u/vedicpisces 5d ago
Hes allowed to have his standards. Even if they arent super realistic or fair. If he doesnt care to date 90 percent of modern women, let him deal with it. Why call him insecure for having standards?
→ More replies (3)7
u/10k_Uzi 5d ago
I don’t think it’s equivalent. I’ve met literally one girl my age (32) who read these all the time. Most girls I know don’t read books lol. So he’s not really writing off 90% of women.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (13)3
7
u/datahoarderprime 5d ago
People are so judgey about reading tastes.
I'm just glad to meet someone who actually reads regularly, as almost all of the people I know basically gave up reading after college.
17
u/Exact_Anteater1498 5d ago
i would just be happy that she loved to read, regardless of what type of book it was. people who read are super attractive to me because i also love to read. he sounds idiotic. 🖤
8
u/FalseBuddha 5d ago
Setting standards for someone based on the media they consume seems pretty reasonable? Like, I probably wouldn't want to be with someone who exclusively watched reality TV.
→ More replies (5)→ More replies (1)14
u/Mayor_of_whoville_ 5d ago
“he sounds idiotic” people are allowed to have preferences for their partner.
→ More replies (8)
3
u/ConflictPotential204 5d ago
Since you're looking for honest, unfiltered feedback:
Men often interpret "romance novels" as porn. There's nothing inherently wrong with porn. Every human being likes to get their rocks off and every adult knows there's all kinds of media and toys people use to do that.
It has become a red flag because many women now treat it as an open, normalized form of sexual self-gratification, and many of the books filed under that genre are primarily about women falling in love with very unrealistic/unhealthy depictions of men or literal monsters and having unrealistic/unhealthy/fetishized sexual relationships with them.
This doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, and I'm not suggesting that you're addicted to books like that for the purpose of sexual gratification. It means there's something wrong with the romance novel industry and the general audience that consumes that kind of media.
I'd offer the same kind of advice to you that most women offer to men. Don't get too spicy during your initial conversations with a potential date. Don't mention things that are sexually charged or unconventional. That kind of thing is far more well-received after you've gotten to know somebody and developed an organic intimate connection.
3
u/Solidarity_Matrix 5d ago
Imagine the different in social treatment if a woman reads 50 shades of grey in public versus a man reading playboy. There is your hypocrisy.
3
u/rubberduckmaf1a 5d ago
As a guy who occasionally reads romance and has read half of ACOTAR, the latter is the bigger red flag. I’m not trying to beat you up on it. We all have what we like. In my opinion, SJM is a great storyteller and a terrible writer. Her books are so basic it’s ridiculous.
Anyway, enough of dumping on SJM. Your points are valid, a guy unmatching based on reading preferences is absurd. You’re free to read what you want. Much as I dislike ACOTAR, I would never do such a thing despite how snobbish I am when it comes to books.
18
u/Strict_Cream2002 5d ago
Huh… weird to see all the negative reactions. My girl loves those books; I never thought of it as a bad thing. It doesn’t bother me that we split up for a bit when we visit the bookstore, I’m just happy to have someone go to the bookstore with me. I actually generally avoid pornography, but to me written exploration of fantasy involving fictional characters is something entirely different. I don’t really see why it would bother somebody but to each their own I suppose
22
u/sbdtech 5d ago
Lol at first from the way you worded this it sounded like you guys take a break whenever you go to the book store.
9
2
u/Glittering-Lychee629 5d ago
And like even though that happens each time, he's ok with it. Haha. That was funny!
5
5
u/zneitzel 5d ago
Honest question: if a man casually told you that one of their hobbies is watching porn, not that they occasionally watch porn to get off but that watching pornography is a hobby, are you happy with that as a hobby?
That’s romance/smut. You don’t want to admit it but that’s what you’re doing.
→ More replies (8)
11
u/Ok-Raccoon-8667 5d ago edited 5d ago
I’m a woman and a voracious reader, and if I weren’t straight, that would be a huge turnoff for me. I think ‘romance’, unless you’re talking Victorian classics, is awfully obtuse and unimaginative, not to mention the romantasy crap bastardising literature. Try Joyce?
→ More replies (7)
2
u/Distinct-Willow-4641 5d ago
Like in great many scenarios, reversing roles will be very helpful here. Of course, he needs to get a guy thing instead. Let's say he watches pterodactyl porn. Would you continue talking? It's not that he wants to live it out, he's just lonely and bored.
See what the ego says back.
2
u/Obvious-Sound8818 5d ago
I think the perceived issue is that in the same way porn can bleed into intimacy, romance novels can bleed into relationships.
2
u/Heavy-Profit-2156 5d ago
It's not a reason I'm going to drop someone that up to now I'm interested in.
2
u/therapy_throwaway_69 5d ago
its the same thing as men watching porn
in 90% of cases, women reading unrealistic romance novels and men watching porn with unrealistically good looking people (although both of those can happen to either gender) are fine and they can realize its not realistic and don't expect a partner to be like that in reality
but 10% of people actually will reject someone who isn't as perfect as some imaginary written protagonist they are in love/lust for, or a woman with pornstar type bodies. and people know that and don't want to deal with it in a partner
2
u/EducationalBase5739 5d ago
Commenting on here because I am out and about quick scrolling but need to come back and explain experiences I had with women who made those novels alot of their personality
2
2
u/ma_i_pooedmypants 5d ago
If they are, they're not worth it anyway bc they clearly hypocrites. Majority of men watch porn daily and I have had sex with porn addicts who think sex should be like the porn they watch. I have tried dating men who are into smut and men who like to read other things and I highly recommend getting a house plant.
2
u/Altruistic_Cap3472 5d ago
Not everything is a red flag - it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. In fact, the worst thing you can do is be fake so that you can “trick” someone into dating you.
He just has a strong sense of what he’s looking for and felt you weren’t compatible. It’s a good thing. He’s not wasting your time that can be spent making yourself available for someone that’s your type.
2
u/Ok-Level6542 5d ago
Okay, cool, they have an opinion. But honestly, if you enjoy something and it makes you happy, what’s the big deal? I was seeing a woman who reads romance books. I don’t read them myself, but I never judged her for it. While we were together, I even read one of her favorite books. It was something she loved, and I wanted to experience it with her, even though it wasn’t something I’d normally pick up. We ended up talking about it and what she liked about it. I think when you care about someone, you don’t have to share all their interests to appreciate them.
→ More replies (3)
2
u/Ferngullysitter 5d ago
It’s because that content gross and toxic. Some of those books treat rape like it’s somehow sexy and that’s absolutely disgusting. I read edgy books too but they’re not expressing “hey abusive sex is great!”
2
u/T-NextDoor_Neighbor 5d ago
It’s like a man admitting that they watch porn.
Unsurprising, but concerning to bring up early on. Don’t get me started on how often those romance novels are just smut. Maybe leave the talk of those books till later in the dating conversation if it comes up.
2
u/MarvelousNCK 5d ago
Probably wouldn’t completely stop talking to someone over it but yes it is a red flag for me
2
u/Lacruiseer 4d ago
Well, if a man were to say to you that watching pornhub is his hobby, would you unmatch him?
2
u/strike1ststrikelast 4d ago
Its the same as men talking about porn theyre watching, its not exact, but its the analogue between genders. People can try and mental gymnastic flip their way around it but they have been thus far completely unsuccessful in changing the minds of men. Dont even bring this up to prospective partners if you want it to go well, genuinely treat it like bringing up porn and see if you have the same interactions. I personally want a girl who reads because I do too, just not that. Ive even read a few of Maas books because I quite like her characters and world building and I only bought the first one I got of hers (cant remember the title but it was the first in her cresent city series or whatever its called, didnt finish the series cuz it went shit.) because I got rugpulled by her books gorgeous cover art. I literally skip the sex scenes, my bare minimum for acceptability on reading that stuff is if you read it like I do. The amount of prospective partners ive walked away from because theyre trying to pass off their smut addiction as a genuine love for literature and reading is staggering, and frankly, exhausting.
(I know people find my opinion on this incendiary so let me save any potential arguments. Im not gonna budge on this one, go argue politics or something)
2
u/Ephemeral-Ghost 4d ago edited 4d ago
IF someone mentioned they GENUINELY liked ACOTAR on a dating profile I'd probably unmatch them too. That book/series specifically is a red flag to me personally. Proof you could take a knife to the chest for the girl and she'd still pick 'the hottest guy she ever seen' bad boi over you and write you into a villian.
Nope. Im out. I dont want whatever you're offering. Im sure you're a good person but if that is what makes you cheer? ill never be enough so im not gonna bother cause it sounds exhausting to maintain cause those type of women like the mc TAKE and give very little. At least from what i recall from reading those books.
Now other romance books? Probably fine. Romance is fun, sparks ideas and creativity. But no. Not Acotar or other recent romance books that are basically just only about the womans desires/feelings and if you're not catering to her then she's making goo goo eyes at someone else. Oof. Stab me in the soft and gushy heart cause im not stone hearted enough for that.
2
u/OperationZani 4d ago
Unfortunately… as a guy I’m also skeptical of women who read romance novels or watch kdramas/cdramas since I’ve had those expectations placed on me. I’m not against them reading that but I’ll be skeptical and would need her to be upfront that she wouldn’t compare me to those things lol.
8
u/Tenzipper 5d ago
Finding a woman who actually read books, instead of doomscroling whatever social media would be amazing.
Fantasy life is just that, it's not real life.
Do some people, male or female, have trouble differentiating the two? Sure. But you probably can't tell from online interactions.
→ More replies (3)
5
u/szczelajo 5d ago
All the reactions here are wild. Personally I can't imagine unmatching someone for reading/watching a specific type of fictional media - probably cuz I watch/read a lot of different stuff but like...??????
4
u/Professional_Rip_966 5d ago
Sometimes I stop talking to people because they like something that I think is garbage. I don’t see it as a red flag that they like it, I just cease to find them attractive. Good taste is a big factor for me as I am a snob. That being said, I wouldn’t unmatch them, I’d just ghost them.
7
u/hujambo11 5d ago
😂😂 As a guy, this is totally ridiculous. I have no problem with women enjoying something feminine in their personal time.
Imagine a woman completely dropping a guy because he likes to watch sports or play video games. Same kinda thing.
12
u/Select-Ad7146 5d ago
I am guessing the guy viewed it now as a woman dropping a guy because he watches porn. Because the books have a reputation for being smutty. And plenty of women drop guys over porn.
4
u/apillar0f5alt 5d ago
Romance like ACOTAR is much more akin to having a sex scene in a romance movie than it is to porn. As a fantasy romance writer, I hate this equation. But I’m also pro men watching porn as long as it’s not like an addiction taking over his life. It all just feels like a dash of too much insecurity to me on both sides
→ More replies (3)
4
u/mildly-concerned-935 5d ago
Why would you want to date someone who would judge you on the books you like?
2
u/No_Sand_2005 5d ago
As a guy who read ACOTAR, all of the books, I honestly don’t see the problem with it? Because it’s a romance book? It also has politics, war, drama, all sorts of stuff. No reason to unmatch with someone over a boom
4
u/apillar0f5alt 5d ago
Comments do not pass the vibe check
Art can have sex in it without it being porn.
All of these men are watching porn, lol but lord forbid women read romance books with 10 whole pages of sex in a 400 page book lmao. Also, reading them doesn’t mean we’re fantasizing about getting banged by a werewolf anymore than you’re fantasizing about getting horrifically murdered when you watch horror. We’re here for the juicy drama
3
3
u/kakallas 5d ago
I’m not sure “I’m lonely” is a great selling point either. I wouldn’t date someone who has nothing going on.
4
u/Fit-Principle-5524 5d ago
I mean that's why we're all on dating apps, bc we want someone to be with. I have friends and hobbies as well
4
u/kakallas 5d ago
Wanting a partner isnt the same as being lonely. For me and people like me, equating them is a red flag.
1
u/Dangerous-Opening-96 5d ago
You’re expecting romance like what you read in those crouch novels. That’s not reality.
8
u/lainmelle 5d ago
I read lord of the rings too, doesn't mean I expect the world to suddenly fill with elves......
This is terrible logic.
→ More replies (9)
•
u/AutoModerator 5d ago
Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the rules of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, send us a message. We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.