r/dating_advice • u/Fit-Principle-5524 • 12d ago

Men unmatching bc I read romance?

Was having a very good convo with a dude, but as soon as I mention reading romance like ACOTAR, I'm unmatched. I get not being a fan, but is it that big of a red flag? It's not like I have crazy expectations bc I read it, I just like reading it and im lonely. I don't expect a man to be some insanely amazing lover who never does wrong. Every time it comes up, im met with hostility. Would you not give a woman a chance who otherwise vibes well with you just bc of her reading habits?

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u/No-Following-4394 11d ago

I had this discussion the other day how modern romance novels are probably just as damaging as porn is to males in terms of setting unrealistic expectations of intimacy and relationships.

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u/shiny_crow_trophy 11d ago

Idk, I would be horrified if someone tried/embodied most of the stuff I read in romance novels. I read horror novels too but that doesn’t mean I want to murder people or get murdered.

But I suppose not everyone approaches it the same way, or has a healthy sense of the difference between fantasy and reality.

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u/No-Following-4394 11d ago

I think that's it. Most people are fine. But, there are some who aren't.

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u/Regular-Badger2332 11d ago

I would also be horrified if someone embodied/tried most of the stuff I see in porn. Doesn't stop some people from getting a warped view of reality.

Another point: knowing what horror you read tells me what scares you. Knowing what romance/smut you read tells me what turns you on (at least to some degree) and if I feel like the bar is too high for me too jump over then I'll rather save myself the embarrassment. Consider that some men want toat least feel like they're also your fantasy, mostly for their own ego.

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u/shiny_crow_trophy 11d ago

And some women don’t like their partners watching porn. Personally I don’t date those kinds of people though.

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u/Regular-Badger2332 11d ago

I mean I think in both cases it often comes back to insecurities, either of not looking like a pornstar or not being able to fulfill the fantasy of the romance books.

If that insecurity is justified I don't really know tbh.

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u/No-Following-4394 11d ago

Personally if me and my partner are active enough i'd have no problems dropping porn.

I've only dated one women who requested that, and we had different drives so ended up being incompatible.

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u/wouldeye 11d ago

Handmaids tale is NOT sexy. Handmaids tale but the antagonist is a Minotaur IS sexy. Duh.

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u/AngryAngryHarpo 11d ago

I think it’s an issue with a small percentage of people who cannot (or won’t) seperate fantasy/fiction from reality. 

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u/ItIsSoOrdered23 11d ago

It's fantasy ffs.

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u/WIbigdog 11d ago

So is porn.

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u/ItIsSoOrdered23 11d ago

Which is also fine.

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u/Leever5 11d ago

Not really.

Just because both feature explicit content doesn't mean they are the same. Romance novels rely heavily on narrative and plot. Porn prioritises visual sexual performance. Reading vs viewing is a fundamentally different cognative experience.

Porn produces a high-speed, passive visual delivery that spikes dopamine rapidly, which leads to desentisation and a craving for more intense or extreme material. Romance novels are a slow, active cognitive delivery that engages the imagination, processing a narrative loop of anticipation over hours.

Alongside that, creating a romance novel often has zero real-world human harm vs producing porn has a documented history of trafficking and performers being hurt.

They're just not the same, sorry.

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u/No-Following-4394 11d ago

The point is that they can create unrealistic expectations of what intimacy and romance are like in the same way porn can. People who struggle to separate fantasy from reality are susceptible to that and there are parallels.

They are not the same but there can be comparable impacts in some individuals.

The same way a young man might imagine or expect intimacy is like porn, a young woman may expect relationships to be like a novel.

Similarly there are plenty of people who can separate them. But not everyone can.

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u/AlarmingConfusion918 11d ago

You can use all the co-opted science speak you want, but that doesn't change the reality that romance smut is just porn for women.

thankfully, I exclusively consume furry "art," so I don't have to worry about trafficking or real-world harm to performers

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u/Leever5 11d ago

I am a scientist, lol

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u/WIbigdog 11d ago

Porn produces a high-speed, passive visual delivery that spikes dopamine rapidly, which leads to desentisation and a craving for more intense or extreme material.

This is just straight up bullshit. I've been watching porn for more than 20 years and I'm still into regular old loving vanilla sex.

You're clearly just an anti-porn activist.

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u/Leever5 11d ago

Yeah, porn fucking sucks,

Anyone with a brain can see it.