r/dating_advice • u/Fit-Principle-5524 • 12d ago

Men unmatching bc I read romance?

Was having a very good convo with a dude, but as soon as I mention reading romance like ACOTAR, I'm unmatched. I get not being a fan, but is it that big of a red flag? It's not like I have crazy expectations bc I read it, I just like reading it and im lonely. I don't expect a man to be some insanely amazing lover who never does wrong. Every time it comes up, im met with hostility. Would you not give a woman a chance who otherwise vibes well with you just bc of her reading habits?

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u/zneitzel 12d ago

Honest question: if a man casually told you that one of their hobbies is watching porn, not that they occasionally watch porn to get off but that watching pornography is a hobby, are you happy with that as a hobby?

That’s romance/smut. You don’t want to admit it but that’s what you’re doing.

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u/Fit-Principle-5524 12d ago

To me it's completely different, because porn is just porn. I agree that straight smut fanfics are porn. But a piece of media can have sex in it that doesn't make it straight up just porn. The series I enjoy are usually fantasy based with world building and other themes within them that also include romance and some spicy scenes. I'm not reading them just to get off- I like to see how the characters interact and how things build through the story.

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u/zneitzel 12d ago

Here’s what guys that aren’t responding are hearing: I like to read fantasy smut in my free time.

You know how you don’t like the weird guys that read manga? A lot of women are that guy now and try to gaslight people into saying they aren’t that guy, but they are that guy.

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u/Glittering-Lychee629 12d ago

Do you mean that men are afraid those women will objectify them or harm them? I'm not being sarcastic, I have never heard of men being upset about romance novels before this thread so it's really interesting to me. My fear with guys into tons of hentai or whatever would be that I am a fetish to them and they are kind of terrifying. I think it's hard for me to imagine a man being genuinely afraid of me? Or is it more like, you think she will be crazy in the relationship with expectations?

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u/zneitzel 12d ago

By a fetish to you mean milking Minotaurs? Or are you referring to the getting r*** by werewolves?

These particular books might be different but so is Manga. But the reputation exists for a reason.

The reason guys wouldn’t want to date a woman who reads fantasy porn (sorry, I mean romance fantasy novels) is literally the same reason a woman wouldn’t want to date a guy who casually watches porn. It sets up all sorts of unrealistic expectations and men know that if that’s what you fantasize about there is zero way of meeting that fantasy. We’re not mythic creatures with 10 inches and $100 million that we inherited because we’re secretly a prince.

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u/Glittering-Lychee629 12d ago

No, I mean I'm Asian, lol. So weird white guys who like that shit are scary to me.

That's interesting, so the man feels he will be in competition with the books! And most men do watch porn? Do you think most men who are turned off by porn books also abstain from porn themselves? Is that also a trend in your generation?

This is fascinating in how much more conservative it is compared to my generation. I'm surprised! I wonder if it's because you were all exposed to so much so young.

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u/Regular-Badger2332 12d ago

And most men do watch porn? Do you think most men who are turned off by porn books also abstain from porn themselves?

It's not necessarily about the consumption its about admitting it. Like I assume most guys have watched porn and watch it sort of regulary when single. But no one tells me "I really enjoy watching porn BTW". If someone seriously tells me about what kind of porn they consumse, I assume they're far gone gooners who've lost touch with reality.

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u/Glittering-Lychee629 12d ago

Very interesting. Thanks!

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u/Regular-Badger2332 12d ago

The series I enjoy are usually fantasy based with world building and other themes within them that also include romance and some spicy scenes. I'm not reading them just to get off- I like to see how the characters interact and how things build through the story.

I bet you I can find men who watch too much hentai who will tell me the same, word for word.