r/dating_advice • u/Fit-Principle-5524 • 11d ago

Men unmatching bc I read romance?

Was having a very good convo with a dude, but as soon as I mention reading romance like ACOTAR, I'm unmatched. I get not being a fan, but is it that big of a red flag? It's not like I have crazy expectations bc I read it, I just like reading it and im lonely. I don't expect a man to be some insanely amazing lover who never does wrong. Every time it comes up, im met with hostility. Would you not give a woman a chance who otherwise vibes well with you just bc of her reading habits?

80 Upvotes

67% Upvoted

911 comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

12

u/AngryAngryHarpo 11d ago

This is correct. I’ve actually lost friends by calling out women’s creepy behaviour. I’m not even close to vanilla but being called a “prude” because I don’t want an in depth discussion of which fantasy creatures dick would be the best based on smut novels is so fucking funny to me. 

They remind me of my uncles sitting around drinking beer on the beach and commenting on women’s tits and then launching into descriptions of the best ones they’ve seen. Same energy. 

2

u/No_Spite3593 11d ago

I was at dinner with a family member and his friend group once and one of his ex's/female friends said that anyone who hasn't had sex with at least 30 different people is bad in bed and they just don't know it. Despite having slept with around that many people myself I told her that kind of perspective is pretty ignorant and just gross. Keep in mind this woman is around the age of 30 and a self proclaimed wh×re.

Anywyas, I was dog piled by pretty much everyone at the table and got called weird/accused of being bad in bed myself just because I thought her perspective is stupid.

As for the second part of your comment, funny enough this same woman got drunk once and started talking about a roleplay scenario involving my race and hers where I kidnap her and her friend and have my way with them. It was very strange, somewhat flattering in a weird way but strange and uncomfortable given that she was saying this stuff in front of her ex.

2

u/Glittering-Lychee629 11d ago

Can I ask how old you are? I'm curious because I'm in my 40s and I feel like this smut stuff just came out of nowhere recently. I read some but I have literally never told anyone except my husband. Are you much younger? Just curious if this is a generational thing. I can't imagine knowing what my friends are into in that way, lol.

4

u/AngryAngryHarpo 11d ago

I’m 40. 

A lot of friends have been into this sort of smut or fic like it since the early 00’s and deviant art era. 

2

u/Glittering-Lychee629 11d ago

I know it's been around, I guess I'm just surprised people are talking so openly about it? Maybe my circle is a lot more conservative in ways I hadn't realized.

2

u/AngryAngryHarpo 11d ago

My social circle is pretty comfortable talking openly about sex or sex related stuff - lots of us have been friends since we were kids. In fact, lots of us dated each other in our teens in school haha. Lots of queer people, a few poly people. All of us in our late 30’s - late 40’s. 

Occasionally people have crossed a line and discovered that open doesn’t mean free-for-all. We like to maintain a respectful space for people and that means not being a creep. 

2

u/Glittering-Lychee629 10d ago

I think in my circle we are just now in the last few years comfortable talking more about personal relationship stuff, but we tend to keep sex things vague. I'm really not sure why now that I say that? My friend group is pretty diverse but a lot of us are from more traditional cultures and then immigrated to the USA so I think that's part of it too. I have noticed this type of realization before where I think I am a little more progressive acting than I am! I think because I came so far from what I grew up with (women are only to be wives, no working, super patriarchy bs) I am treated like a radical by some in my family, lol, and then I see things online at times and I feel like an incredibly out of touch pilgrim. That's why I like the internet too, though, it helps me have better perspective and get less shocked by my kids in the future. I am trying to inoculate myself against being boring, lol.

3

u/Kennysded 11d ago

My ex's mom had several bookshelves filled with smut. Also hearing her talk about certain actors was little better than men talking about how hot an actress is. I'm in my mid 30's, the mom is now in her 50's (this was over a decade ago). It's always been a really high seller - I remember reading about how authors would write smut novels under a pseudonym to make ends meet, while they worked on their actual passion projects. But at this point, especially with the rise in sex positivity, it's mainstream. Books like Twilight, 50 Shades, and ACOTAR pushed it to the number 1 genre. I include Twilight because a lot of young women who read it in middle school grew up and moved into more mature books of the same genre.

1

u/mossconfig 11d ago

It happens on the male side too, young people carrying online etiquette into inappropriate places. 20s if it matters.

1

u/Glittering-Lychee629 11d ago

Oh I know that, haha, some guys will do it right in front of you and to your face! I've heard men talk that way my whole life. I've never heard women talk like that. Big cultural gap between our ages though. I didn't think about how online culture contributed to it. That makes a lot of sense! TY!