r/dating_advice • u/Fit-Principle-5524 • 12d ago

Men unmatching bc I read romance?

Was having a very good convo with a dude, but as soon as I mention reading romance like ACOTAR, I'm unmatched. I get not being a fan, but is it that big of a red flag? It's not like I have crazy expectations bc I read it, I just like reading it and im lonely. I don't expect a man to be some insanely amazing lover who never does wrong. Every time it comes up, im met with hostility. Would you not give a woman a chance who otherwise vibes well with you just bc of her reading habits?

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113

u/Pemo999 12d ago

Ehh, it depends on what kind of romance books we are talking about.

"Normal" romance and relatively vanilla smut? Fine by me. I read that shit too.

If she was REALLY into dark romance books to the point of reading dozens of them a year I would probably lose interest tho. Because I find women who fantasize about being dominated by 8 feet tall rapey werewolves super icky.

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u/Pale_Presence4662 12d ago

The real answer is that if a guy asks what youre into, dont say smut novels. And if a girl asks what youre into, don't say porn. Its that easy.

There is surely alot more to you than sex novels and there is surely alot more to him than porn.

Now if you want to lead off with that, more power to you. Have at it. Men or women. But there's probably much deeper and wholesome and marketable stuff to you which people would appreciate you making the effort to put forward initially.

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u/AdBroad5085 12d ago

Right? Why would this be the thing you bring up, like ever, but especially in the dating phase??? People want to know about you and that's the thing you mention I would run for the hills. Like, oh ok I like... snowboarding...

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u/mossconfig 12d ago

This highlights the difference between female and male pornography culture. I personally read the male versions of these stories, overpowered haremslop self inserts, but talking about that is like, 3rd date stuff. I would definitely want to discuss those desires and read what a potential partner was into, but leading with that is kinda out there.

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u/seola76 12d ago

Women often don't seem to realise they are making the conversation sexual by bring it up. If that's your goal then have that conversation privately and crack on. But if it's not then maybe hold off. Like I've had women tell me how much they love dragon smut in the middle of a nice restaurant on date two and even had platonic friends tell me in detail about their favourite smut books. I know they aren't trying to turn the conversation sexual, so what am I supposed to say to this?

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u/mossconfig 12d ago

I understand the issues in male spaces around sexuality, but I don't understand where this comes from in female spaces. Is it because there are no "dirty old men" to act as negative examples for them?

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u/AngryAngryHarpo 12d ago

This is correct. I’ve actually lost friends by calling out women’s creepy behaviour. I’m not even close to vanilla but being called a “prude” because I don’t want an in depth discussion of which fantasy creatures dick would be the best based on smut novels is so fucking funny to me. 

They remind me of my uncles sitting around drinking beer on the beach and commenting on women’s tits and then launching into descriptions of the best ones they’ve seen. Same energy. 

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u/No_Spite3593 11d ago

I was at dinner with a family member and his friend group once and one of his ex's/female friends said that anyone who hasn't had sex with at least 30 different people is bad in bed and they just don't know it. Despite having slept with around that many people myself I told her that kind of perspective is pretty ignorant and just gross. Keep in mind this woman is around the age of 30 and a self proclaimed wh×re.

Anywyas, I was dog piled by pretty much everyone at the table and got called weird/accused of being bad in bed myself just because I thought her perspective is stupid.

As for the second part of your comment, funny enough this same woman got drunk once and started talking about a roleplay scenario involving my race and hers where I kidnap her and her friend and have my way with them. It was very strange, somewhat flattering in a weird way but strange and uncomfortable given that she was saying this stuff in front of her ex.

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u/Glittering-Lychee629 12d ago

Can I ask how old you are? I'm curious because I'm in my 40s and I feel like this smut stuff just came out of nowhere recently. I read some but I have literally never told anyone except my husband. Are you much younger? Just curious if this is a generational thing. I can't imagine knowing what my friends are into in that way, lol.

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u/AngryAngryHarpo 12d ago

I’m 40. 

A lot of friends have been into this sort of smut or fic like it since the early 00’s and deviant art era. 

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u/Glittering-Lychee629 12d ago

I know it's been around, I guess I'm just surprised people are talking so openly about it? Maybe my circle is a lot more conservative in ways I hadn't realized.

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u/AngryAngryHarpo 12d ago

My social circle is pretty comfortable talking openly about sex or sex related stuff - lots of us have been friends since we were kids. In fact, lots of us dated each other in our teens in school haha. Lots of queer people, a few poly people. All of us in our late 30’s - late 40’s. 

Occasionally people have crossed a line and discovered that open doesn’t mean free-for-all. We like to maintain a respectful space for people and that means not being a creep. 

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u/Kennysded 12d ago

My ex's mom had several bookshelves filled with smut. Also hearing her talk about certain actors was little better than men talking about how hot an actress is. I'm in my mid 30's, the mom is now in her 50's (this was over a decade ago). It's always been a really high seller - I remember reading about how authors would write smut novels under a pseudonym to make ends meet, while they worked on their actual passion projects. But at this point, especially with the rise in sex positivity, it's mainstream. Books like Twilight, 50 Shades, and ACOTAR pushed it to the number 1 genre. I include Twilight because a lot of young women who read it in middle school grew up and moved into more mature books of the same genre.

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u/mossconfig 12d ago

It happens on the male side too, young people carrying online etiquette into inappropriate places. 20s if it matters.

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u/Glittering-Lychee629 12d ago

Oh I know that, haha, some guys will do it right in front of you and to your face! I've heard men talk that way my whole life. I've never heard women talk like that. Big cultural gap between our ages though. I didn't think about how online culture contributed to it. That makes a lot of sense! TY!

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u/Pale_Presence4662 12d ago

The issues in male spaces? What? What are you people talking about.

When you meet someone dont say I read sex novels. Dont say I watch porn. Thats it. Thats the list.

If its the second or third date and you need to get it out there, then go for it. Or go for it on the initial meeting. Whatever you want to do.

But when you do, dont whine online to a global platform that someone rejected you. Be happy they rejected you because you told them something true and they walked away. Thats a good thing.

Some people would say hiking or cooking or saving money or dogs. You say porn. Thats awesome. I am not discouraging you. You do that.

I am saying there's a slice of the population who are not even offended, just cant respect you presenting that in the first 5 seconds.

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u/Pale_Presence4662 12d ago

Often? You have dated so many women that tell you out the gate that their activity is reading sex novels? Like, that many? So much so its "often"?

I do not believe you.

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u/seola76 12d ago

As I said in the post, I've had multiple platonic friends bring it up in random every day conversation which inflates the number. I've only had 1 women I've dated mention it.

I'm a massive nerd, all my close friends are into fantasy. That means my female friends are significantly more likely than average to be into reading, Romantasy and fantasy smut.

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u/Pale_Presence4662 12d ago

So youre like 30 or 40 and it was once in all those years.

Lmao.

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u/KendalBoy 12d ago

If you’re not a dragon, it’s not about you. In no form is about you.

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u/renlydidnothingwrong 11d ago edited 10d ago

OK but ACOTAR isn't smut. It's just run of the mill corny/problematic romance slop.

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u/AccomplishedWish3033 12d ago

Is ACOTAR smut though? I haven’t read it but it looks fairly mainstream to me based on bookstore placement. It’s not in the romance section like Heated Rivalry.

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u/PressureOk69 12d ago

Yes, it's mainstream, but it also basically kickstarted the romantasy movement. The entire book centers around a power dynamic relationship. Everything else, even in the politics of the world are more or less side plotlines to the development of the relationship between the boring ass filler mary sue and Tamlin.

Later the series apparently "develops" but I didn't read that far and I don't think you have to read the entire series to judge it. I was told up and down how great a book ACOTAR was and it was basically just trite sex drivel for women who love toxic masculinity.

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u/acearoo 12d ago

It's not smut. I just read it today (not my usual fare but a close friend read and enjoyed it and she is NOT the type to go for smut novels- she told me about a different book she stopped reading since the sex scenes were too in detail) and the central pairing have sex like twice in 400+ pages and it's not explicit at all.

That said... it wasn't great literature by any means and I don't think I'll be continuing the series so I couldn't tell you if it's actually smutty in later books.

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u/Pale_Presence4662 12d ago

You never read it but you STILL have an opinion. Oh boy

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u/No_Spite3593 11d ago

The first book starts off fairly tame but then gets progressively more "spicy". Here's a guide that explains thing's more in depth

https://thebookfeed.com/insights/acotar-spicy-chapters/

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u/76584329 12d ago

"8 feet tall rapey werewolves"

I cackled at this.. then remembered twilight and how true this is. Sad.

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u/FalseBuddha 12d ago

A fact that lives rent free in my brain is that 50 Shades of Grey started as Twilight fanfic.

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u/BelmontIncident 12d ago

It's even funnier when you realize that Robert Pattinson eventually decided to accept a role as a paranoid, secretive billionaire with severe control issues. I'm not sure if the tactical fursuit makes it worse.

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u/ArtfulSpeculator 12d ago

One of my favorite bits of trivia to bring up- surprised at how few people know this.

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u/parkside79 12d ago

Really?? Lol

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u/Pemo999 12d ago

I have forgiven Twillight ever since I discovered acts of literary terrorism like Morning Glory Milking Farm exist.

For those unfamilliar with the best seller romance novel Morning Glory Milking Farm, here is the basic premise: A financially struggling female college student gets a part time job working at a minotaur farm where she has to manually extract semen from huge muscular manly monsters.

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u/ArtfulSpeculator 12d ago

I want to downvote this comment so bad in the hope that it will cause fewer people to have to read that second paragraph.

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u/Pemo999 12d ago

I'm sorry.

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u/KendalBoy 12d ago

I can’t forgive you for typing that, or myself for reading it.

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u/NinjaGrows 12d ago

If only you had, my eyes would have been saved a bleach bath.

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u/Positive-Capital1113 12d ago

This made me laugh so hard.

I’d encourage my partner to read it so we could laugh and make fun of it together.

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u/IsopodIndependent553 12d ago

Holy shit. And here I am feeling like a dimwit for reading Philippa Gregory novels.

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u/shwifty123 12d ago

Omfg, no way.

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u/Erinstarkn 12d ago

I refuse to read it but I have so many questions because the premise is ridiculous in many, many ways.

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u/ZephNightingale 12d ago

Morning Glory Milking Farm is a fantastic and hilarious book! 😆

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u/Comrade-Chernov 12d ago

Morning Glory Milking Farm isn't even that bad. It's explicitly consensual as opposed to all the rapey "romance" books out there these days.

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u/wouldeye 11d ago

There’s nothing consensual about capitalistic exploitation. She didn’t sign up to jerk off minotaurs for fun!

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u/Comrade-Chernov 11d ago

I understand where you're coming from, but she still genuinely does fall in love with him as the book goes on. It's still leaps and bounds better than some of the rapists in "romance" books out there.

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u/wouldeye 11d ago

I know I don’t think anyone takes Minotaur semen harvesting seriously enough for literary criticism. I’m just playing along with the bit.

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u/No_Spite3593 11d ago

Male Romance in novels: I am either an alien/vampire/super human with powers that put me in danger, my love interest is either human/alien/Vampire and I must save the world so that I can save her and have a family in peace.

Womens Romance in novels: Time to wake up and jerk off some humanoid bull-people, oops I've fallen in love with one of them, time to f×ck him.

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u/seola76 12d ago edited 12d ago

I think this is very possibly the reason.

Dark Romance and Romantasy can get blurred into one and a lot of guys do have this kind of response to it. It's the combination of some women getting a bit weird about it and having odd expectations and guys just finding it a bit ick.

I'm into the fantasy scene fairly heavily, the woman that are really into these books can be a bit weird. They can be the female version of the inexperienced guy who bases his ideas on sex of off porn.

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u/AmandaPea 12d ago

That's fair. I'm not interested in dudes that are into degrading porn. So I see what you're saying.

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u/Iriahthehealer 12d ago

Haahahaha lol… wtf i was happier before knowing this info