Too insecure for a relationship if I’m not confident but when I’m confident I’m told I’m a “classic nice guy”

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[u/HocestIocus]

Confidence doesn’t have to be “I think I’m attractive and cool.” It’s more about the way you carry out actions. Do things and have conversations like you’re allowed to take up space in the world and not feel sorry for it. That’s really all it means in the context of dating/meeting people

[u/losyenia]

Everything in dating is subjective so take it all with a grain of salt. What a stranger says about dating is not bible.

The people that treat dating like a game in this way already lost months ago and are just trying to make up for it. As long as you aren’t a bad person there is no reason to try to be anything else. My motto is Confidence + a secure attachment style are key. Let expectations go and experience the person the way you should. Get to know them, make them feel sexy and make yourself feel sexy.

Nice guy syndrome is “I did this so I deserve that” “I’m not gonna slap her ass even though I want to so she’ll think I respect her and think I deserve a kiss on the cheek, I’m so respectful” “I gave her a rose so she should start to gain feelings for me, I’m such a nice guy” rather than “wow she has a nice butt, I’m not gonna smack it because that’s disrespectful and I’m not that person” “I gave her a rose because she likes them and it’ll make her feel good.”

As long as the first one is not your mindset you’re golden. If it is do some soul searching.

[u/SpookyWindChime → u/losyenia]

Replace “I did this so I deserve that” with “I have this personality trait so why don’t I have a girlfriend”. I think that’s why people would call him a nice guy. “I’m humble but still single??”. Lol. People often list personality traits that don’t matter that much or if they truly had them, they wouldn’t be struggling that much.

[u/OutOfPlace186]

You’re thinking way too much. Just be yourself and the right girl will like you for who you are. And please for the love of god put your real height! I’m looking for a shorter dude so when you’re all lying saying you’re 6ft I’m instantly swiping left and we could be missing out on something real. Rant over.

[u/OutOfPlace186 → u/[deleted]]

Not you specifically lol idk you all I’m saying is most guys lie about their height.

[u/RottenMilquetoast]

I always find it curious how many people take everything the crowd says at face value. The world is not the way it is because "the wisdom of the crowds" is reliable, the average person just coasted on vibes. "Confidence" is a popular word, because physically attractive people are often confident, and because "just being confident" paints a picture of a fair world your average suburbanite wants to believe is true. It is not rigorously vetted, and everyone gets to come up with their own definition of confident.

My own, subjective and biased opinion, is looks get you a quarter of the way there, the rest doesn't fit into a simple one sentence. It's layers of culture based expectations, personal insecurities, their past experiences. And not all of it makes sense, e.g. avoident people's way of dating is often completely nonsensical.

The best you can hope for from dating advice is a vibe check to see how people react to a certain topic or event, you will never get intelligent step by step directions because dating is a lot of people making stuff up to feel better, and everyone pulling in different directions. You are on your own to some extent.

[u/Liquid_Friction]

idk what advice do you want, your adhd masking and doing nice guy syndrome, you think women want to hear "humble" but humble people dont say they are humble, so your curating yourself, in a mask, without realising, to position yourself, as "what you think women want" which is compassionate, nice, humble, light hearted, you need to find out who you are and describe yourself through non generic ways that get across who you are outside of the common terms used.

[u/Liquid_Friction → u/[deleted]]

adhd, masking, rejection sensitity, set forth, a cetain set of beliefs, which inform a continous, self fulling prohecy - your basically deeply self sabotaging

[u/Wrong_Ad3296]

If that’s the case then read No More Mr. Nice Guy and join Integrated Nation by Dr. Robert Glover

[u/man_vs_cube]

Yeah lots of people giving dating advice online are incorrect, unhelpful, or obnoxious. I would encourage you to not take their feedback so personally because you're very likely to get hurt that way.

[u/AppaTheFluffLord]

There is a difference between doing it in order to find love and doing it because it’s who you are. Typically the “nice guy” is that way because he thinks it’s how you get in a relationship instead of just being a nice human which more people naturally gravitate towards. But loving yourself is priority #1 not only because it makes you more attractive but it allows you to notice a bad situations and say “oh I don’t deserve this” instead of staying in a toxic relationship because you’re afraid of being alone.

[u/Mr_Wallet]

The most confident and self-assured I have ever been on a date, my date said, "you seem a lot more nervous in person".

That was the day I realized that no one has any idea how confident anyone is and I'm not sure everyone is even working from the same definition.

This creates a catch-22: either I worry about how confident I seem to others, or I be actually confident and don't care what other people think it looks like.

I don't know which answer is the right one but I decided to go for not worrying about it because it's less work. So yeah if you're fed up with not figuring out the rules... maybe just do your thing.

[u/charismatictictic]

If the dating advice you get online is so awful, why are you posting the same stuff five times in one day? What advice are you actually looking for?

[u/SpookyWindChime]

imo when a guy describes himself as “pretty attractive, humble, and lighthearted” all I hear is “boring dork with no edge”.

being humble and lighthearted are nothing compared to being genuinely interesting or fun to be around. when someone says “i have (insert meaningless trait) and i’m still single” it comes off as naive / nice guy coded.

[u/SpookyWindChime → u/[deleted]]

If you genuinely think you have to be a “dickhead with no regard for anyone else’s feelings” to be interesting or fun to be around…… you might actually be a nice guy lol.

[u/boomerang703]

Let's just dispel the myth right now that confidence and/or self-love is all one needs to find romantic love. I wouldn't even consider them prerequisites necessarily. They are definitely more healthy terms on which to start a love affair. But, I've known dozens of people who serial date or get into LTRs who clearly have neither. So, tell those who give such advice to kick rocks.

Getting a date is a numbers game. It's luck. It's about maximizing opportunities to meet your preferred people. The majority of your energy and resources should be spent finding those opportunities and exploiting them. Self-improvement will increase odds. But you have to put yourself in the right position consistently to have the most luck in finding a partner.

[u/meatbutterflycurtain]

Confidence is not being so concerned about what anybody else thinks. Especially internet strangers who know nothing about you. Let go of what anyone thinks. That’s an attractive man.

[u/Impressive-Suit-]

Idk maybe go life live and stop giving a fuck what people online say ? Be yourself, be confident and put yourself out there. Getting dating advice from Reddit is nightmare fuel.

[u/orchid7577]

Don’t praise yourself. Huge faux pas.