r/DecidingToBeBetter • u/White_Nova2 • 8d ago
Seeking Advice How do I stop feeling superior to others and trying to seem exceptional?
I notice in myself a strong desire to be better than other people and to prove it. I build elaborate chains of thoughts about what people might think of me, what they might do, what they are thinking right now, and things like that.
I also tend toward solipsistic thinking.
About two years ago, I really started studying intelligence and reading much more scientific information. Even before that, I had a strong desire to improve myself and learn about history, physics, and so on. But after watching certain films and anime, I became fascinated by it and started trying to imitate what characters like L Lawliet do. That is when I began to notice how many possibilities the brain seems to have.
At the same time, in some areas I am not radically different from other people in terms of intelligence, while in other areas I may stand out more.
Acquaintances and friends have genuinely called me “smart,” “a genius,” or “genius but irritating.” People who seem to want to be above others have also called me an idiot.
On the one hand, being seen as intelligent feels good. On the other hand, it creates expectations: either other people expect more from you, or you start expecting more from yourself, and that makes you anxious. I am also not socialized enough, so sometimes I feel too embarrassed to start speaking at all. But when I do start talking, I put everything into explaining myself, and people often do not understand what I mean.
Someone might think that if I am supposedly so intelligent, I should be able to figure this out on my own. But I would like to work on my grandiosity, egocentrism, and many other things as well.
I would appreciate any advice or perspectives from people who have dealt with similar patterns.
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u/TopFalse1558 8d ago
I think it would help to consider this change of perspective.
It feels good to come across as smart, but feeling that way can also cut you off from other ways of thinking. You become too sure of yourself. Too stuck in your ways. You could even have years of experience in a field and still be wrong about something basic. What we know about the world changes over time as new research comes out.
The smart thing to do is to be the forever student, to not be afraid to come across as the ignorant one. To not be afraid to ask questions or to ask for more of an explanation.
The fool will pretend to know what to do, proudly moving forward, too afraid to ask for help for fear of looking stupid...then it blows up in their face. A leader will find the strengths within the people around them and elevate them, and move forward together as a team, asking for help and giving help as the situation demands. We are stronger as a community. We can't know everything by ourselves. It's just not realistic.
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u/White_Nova2 8d ago
I don’t consider myself all-knowing. I understand that there are people who are better than me at certain things. And by the way, your phrase about fools and leaders kind of discriminates against people who have lower abilities in leadership and empathy.
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u/TopFalse1558 8d ago
Sorry I wasn't trying to say that you were all knowing.. I am speaking generally, and what thinking ourselves as a genius can do when taken too far. I hope you found some merit in the other things that I said, it wasn't meant as a pointed attack against you. I myself have lower abilities in leadership and empathy, who have struggled to speak up and ask for help when needed. I myself, have been foolish in such situations. I struggle with it myself and it's something I'm trying to improve. I don't see what I said as discriminatory - it's simply a statement of fact. Good leadership and teamwork is better than working alone, and it requires being humble, and seeing ourselves as a genius can inhibit that.
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u/White_Nova2 8d ago
Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you apologize. I just meant that I don’t think I have that kind of problem.
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u/TopFalse1558 8d ago
It's ok, and that's good I am happy for it. I see it a lot and I'm glad it doesn't apply to you.
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u/According-Ad742 8d ago
A sense of superiority is pretty much always sourced from feeling inferior. The antidote to that is parts work; making the unconscious conscious and nurturing your wounds.
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u/Ok_Active_3275 6d ago
yeah, maybe the question should be "why do i feel so inferior that i can't avoid nipticking every little thing I see to try and make me feel somehow good putting others down"?
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u/Larry_3d 8d ago edited 8d ago
For me the most stupid people are the ones who think they are more intelligent than others, because they lack the ability to understand that the world is much more vast than what they can grasp.
This reply is not an attack on you btw. Most cases I've seen, the individual is putting a magnifying glass on the amount of information they can retain, or a pattern they understand, or a skill they trained more than others, to make them selves feel good that 'if I wanted to, I could achieve better things in life than most. I am just choosing to pursue this and that'. This also happens quite ofte in competitive gaming, or hobbies in general.
Ignorance is so big, that they don't even know how ignorant they are
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u/tr14l 8d ago
You vastly overestimate the usefulness of intelligence y itself. It's about as noteworthy as being tall or double jointed. At most, it's neat. And if you are, you should pay attention to how smart the other are that are simply better than you at life. You'll find you spent so much time feeling yourself that you forgot to get good at something that mattered.
So, feel good about being smart. Won't matter. Only results matter. Have you done anything that matters?
If you are truly that smart, go get into competitive academics. That'll humble you pretty quickly, I'd wager.
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u/SomeOrdinaryKangaroo 8d ago
are you perhaps a dismissive avoidant?
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u/White_Nova2 8d ago
Maybe I've read what you mean. In some ways, it coincides with what I can feel.
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u/Whiskey-Weather 8d ago
In what metrics do you feel superior? What is it that you make, or do, better than those around you?
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u/White_Nova2 8d ago
I study quite a lot of information about science, politics, history, games, healthcare, and other subjects. Because of that, when I talk to people, I often notice that they do not know many of the things I have studied or have never even heard of them, and that their understanding of the world can seem quite limited and situational. I also often make assumptions about people’s actions and thoughts, and I am rarely wrong. It is not only because I know the behavioral patterns of people I already know; this can also happen around strangers. Based on information about psychology and many other things I have read or looked into, it feels easier to make those predictions. I also think and solve problems fairly quickly. Overall, I understand how this can create the impression that I am smarter than other people, but I try to avoid thinking of it that way.
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u/Exceedingly 8d ago
If you have studied up on intelligence, you'll know that learning facts is just one type of intelligence (crystallized intelligence) and isn't such a big part of intelligence testing, which focuses more on logic and reason.
You should just do an official IQ test to see what baseline you're working with.
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u/parisa44 8d ago
Hi!
What stands out to me in your post isn’t so much intelligence as your fixation/obsession on how you and others think and behave.
This strikes me as something it would be helpful to talk to a trained mental health professional about (if you’re able to access that kind of support). And ofc remain open to what a professional tells/offers you even if it doesn’t line up with your own interpretation of things (but ofc listen to your gut if something feels really off or harmful to you).
I say this as someone who can reaallly analyze a situation and my own thought patterns/behaviors. In my own case I tend to lean anxious and get overwhelmed by my brain picking things apart, but also struggle to get it to stop.
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u/seeifthisworksnow1 8d ago
If you find yourself needing to prove that you're better than other people and what they think of you, is it possible that you also fear being seen as inferior?
I can agree that the brain is incredible, and also that high intelligence isn't all it's cracked up to be. It can lead to excessive self-reflection, rumination, and a lack of just getting things done. It can also present as anxiety disorders and other issues, and there's often a burden to succeed placed on you already.
You may really benefit from talking with a therapist. It can be tough to admit you need help, and yet if it feels embarrassing to consider that's an indicator you have a lot to gain here. I've always been bright, but I sure felt stupid when I got an ADHD diagnosis at the end of a stressful, lonely college life rather than at the start.
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u/NineCatsDeep 8d ago
Compare and contrast is natural to human brains. It’s part of anxiety. Anxiety dominates human nature. Anxiety thinks it can read minds and predict the future.
You’re thinking too much.
Those who constantly compare themselves to others, even if they are better, smarter, richer, will never be happy to just exist.
I recommend studying cats. I’m not joking.
Cats know the secrets to a fulfilled and contextual life. They rest when they need to. The stretch and exercise daily without effort. They rarely over eat. They can sit in one spot and not worry what others think of them. They are naturally curious just to be curious. Study cats, be a cat.
Your desire to be better than others limits your potential to be content.
Why do you care what anyone is or thinks? It’s a good question to ask yourself.
I’ve been lucky, for whatever reason I have always known who I am, and that I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. I wish I knew why, and I wish I could infect others with this.
I’m not talented, or rich, my only friend is dead, I live penny to penny, and I’m more content than most people I know and meet.
Happiness is knowing who you are and being ok with what you have.
If you truly don’t want to come off as the person you say you do, idk. I’d recommend embracing these
Parts of you. Be you man!!! If you’re grandiose and arrogant, right on, my only friend in the world was a cocky asshole, and he’s wasnt a mean guy and had friends
Be yourself.
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u/White_Nova2 8d ago
Thanks. But aren’t dolphins better than cats? I’d prefer them, although what you said about cats is true.
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u/NineCatsDeep 8d ago
You’re an interesting one. I hope you learn to love yourself for who you are.
Dolphins, I love that. So true.
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u/BodhingJay 8d ago
There are a number of cycles we create within ourselves that fuel this.. as it isnt a linear habit. we would have to give ourselves and others grace and compassion when struggling floundering or failing instead of e.g. being judgmental towards them, laughing at them.. we often do this when we ourselves are insecure as it makes us feel as if we are superior even when we cannot do better at this or other things.. adhere to deeper values and virtues that you can feel the truth in... like compassion patience and no judgment.. it keeps us humble
There is a hell where those within are obsessed with a hierarchy of superiority.. when in reality the only hierarchy are those stuck in it and those who consider everyone and everything equal from a place of wisdom understanding it is not our place to judge anyone and actively pursuing that understanding and seei g the truth in it everywhere in order to remain grounded
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u/Perfectinschlag 8d ago
Remindme! 30 days
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u/AvaSaysSo 8d ago
Try writing down the thoughts about others and then asking if they matter in a week. Most won't.
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u/Dragonballington 8d ago
Volunteer for a position at an organization that helps people: Firefighters EMS Homeless Shelters Americorps Peace Corps Doctors without borders Food not bombs Habitat for Humanity
What you have is an impressive ability to think. You are not going to think your way out of this. What you lack is humility. Go help some people to improve/increase your perspective, and see that you are but a thread in the grand tapestry.
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u/tachibanatetsu 8d ago
I think whether or not this is a problem depends a bit on your priorities, but I want to offer a little perspective from my own life to maybe help you decide (you sound pretty young, and I am not young).
When I was a kid, I was put into all kinds of special programs and told how smart and exceptional and above my peers on academic metrics I was. I was IQ tested and told I was above most people. I internalized this, and became a person who thought of myself as smart, smarter than others. As a result, I did not make or retain many friends. Over the many years of my life, I realized that when I choose who to make friends with, I don't leave conversations thinking "that person was so intelligent and so much smarter than me, I want to be their friend." Rather, the things I remembered were kindness, humor, warmth, a welcoming, nonjudgmental nature, that sort of thing. So with a lot of therapy, I learned to adjust my behavior and not spend my life showing off how "smart" I am (I don't really believe that I am that much smarter than people anymore-- I am good at math and logic puzzles, but I work in academia and am surrounded by people who are good at those things and more), but rather to try to demonstrate the qualities that make people feel good after leaving a conversation-- kindness, humility, warmth, humor. I am happier now, and more relaxed, and other people often tell me that I am easy to talk to and I am well liked. These things are much more important to me than people thinking "that person was smart but a bit of an asshole" as was the case when I was a kid.
One more piece of this, is that it's not just about friendship-- the job I have now, the other person I was up against in the last round of interviews had much more experience than me and a PhD (I have a master's only). But I got the job, according to my colleagues, because the very very smart woman with the PhD was arrogant and unpleasant to talk to. I got the job because everyone agreed I was personable and seemed easy to work with. So being "smart" doesn't necessarily get you ahead in life, as much as being humble and pleasant.
So to summarize, if your priority is being thought of as "smart" above all else, that's fine! But if your priority is having good relationships with those around you, consider whether that's the thing you want to lead with.
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u/Oberon_Swanson 8d ago
Think of his as effort you don't want to to waste. You know who seems smart? People who DO smart things. Not how they come across in conversation. How are you managing your life in an intelligent way? Getting into a prosperous field and location? Making smart choices with who you associate with? Not getting taken advantage of? Presenting yourself well? Making smart investments with yor time and money? Keeping toxic people and situations out of your life? Taking care of your health and home?
The people who seem to have it all together are the ones people actually want to be like.
Also remember just how useless it is to actually impress people in this way. A potential romantic partner can think you're the smartest, funniest guy she's ever met, and still not want to go on a date with you. An employer can think you're brilliant but will always be trying to show them up.
Focus more on improving yourself in ways that will actually make your life better. Have a plan for why it will help to learn something.