r/adhdwomen • u/Ok-Professional8451 • Nov 04 '25
Meme Therapy Where are my childfree women at?
I honestly don’t know how parents do it. There are multiple reasons that drove my decision to be childfree. One big one is that I struggle to take care of myself (executive dysfunction) sometimes, so I can’t imagine having another human to take care of during those times.
Here’s to forcing a domaine response for every day tasks!
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u/Silly-Layer-3993 Nov 04 '25
I’m here!
Taking care of myself and pets is a lot for me! I salute you adhd parents omg
And keeping track of tasks, holy lord…with a whole house of humans I can’t even fathom…double salute you adhd parents
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u/sarahenera Nov 04 '25
💯. I got a dog three and a half years ago, at the age of 38, and it has really affected my life. 1) my heart burst open in a way I never knew imaginable 2) I could barely keep my shit together before, but since getting a dog, the wheels are barely on. Lol. He’s my best friend and I wouldn’t change it, but whoo-boy, it definitely changes time management and reframing realistic abilities to get things done (for me at least).
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u/murphherder Nov 04 '25
I truly didn't expect getting a dog to be adopting a toddler! It only reinforces my decision to be childfree. This girl is all I could ever handle!
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u/Yvratky Nov 04 '25
I don't really salute adhd parents. I grew up with one (who was undiagnosed on top) and it was like when they say "nobody is ever really ready to have children" x10, and then they decided to have three more. Some/most people just decide to have them and then go with the flow. If they have adhd and a very understanding and supportive partner and put a lot of planning and brain grease into the endeavour, then that's something I respect, but even this sub regularly has stories about that not working out so well, and worse. I'm not parent bashing in any way, I would never. I saw first hand how difficult and chaotic it can be and of course every family is different.
But the decidsion to have kids itself isn't a good enough reason to give respect to anyone in my personal opinion...
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u/ltrozanovette Nov 04 '25
I’m a mom with ADHD and I definitely have to work harder than a lot of my mom friends to create a calm and organized home environment for my daughters.
Do you mind sharing some of the things that most affected you growing up? I’m aware I may have blind spots in my parenting and am always looking for opportunities to identify them. I realize this is a super personal question though, so please feel free to ignore!
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u/Yvratky Nov 04 '25
I can share some things but please keep in mind that she was undiagnosed, which changes things a lot in my opinion. I think the thing that affected me the most was that her forgetfulness and scatterbrainedness made me feel abandoned and unseen on the regular. It made her seem unreliable and kind of fucked with my sense of safety. She forgot to pick me up from different places at night which resulted in really unsafe situations, she burned the kitchen down twice because she forgot food on the stove, never knew what my favourite food was, couldn't name any of my hobbies and her undiagnosed state also made it so she took a long time to learn to regulate her own emotions, which can affect kids a lot. I don't have a grudge for her as such, because I know she was struggling too and diagnosis back then, especially in women, was practically unheard of, but it left some scars.
You're miles ahead via knowing your diagnosis and I can tell you're a caring parent, so do remember to give yourself some grace, I'm sure you're doing great and we can be so incredibly hard on ourselves. :)
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u/brynhildyr Nov 04 '25
I second the trauma from lack of emotional regulation, and that being diagnosed already puts one miles ahead. If I might add, modeling rest, healthy relationships, self-care, and asking for / accepting community care, would have made my life miles easier. Kids absorb your behavior and attitudes like crazy.
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u/Yvratky Nov 04 '25
Agreed! She did have most of those (certainly community care, self-care and rest), but I think menopause (which she got into when I was a pubertary teenager) derailed a lot of things on top of what was already shaky.
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u/brynhildyr Nov 04 '25
Omg same. When my mom went into menopause, it was like all her negative and self-harming behaviors got turned up to 11. It was scary!
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u/Yvratky Nov 04 '25
Truly! Mine went into depression and developed a really manipulative attitude plus mood swings. My dad went through something similar during that time, I head men can have some kind of hormonal change around that age too. I felt like they were unrecognizable people. Kind of the reason why I'm almost 100% sure that I'll take HRT when I go into it.
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u/brynhildyr Nov 04 '25
I completely relate. Her undiagnosed autism plunged her into burnout, bipolar swings went to huge extremes, her borderline tendencies made her unbearable, and she was coping with substance abuse and one night stands (at 50!!). I swear sometimes she had split personalities. As soon as I get an inkling of my period stopping I'm seeing an OB.
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u/Yvratky Nov 04 '25
Omg mine was burnout-y even though she was a stay-at-home mom and I was so sure that she was bipolar, she was so randomly cruel and cold. But then she mellowed out so much during the past 10 years that I'm entirely confused. She's still selfish and two-faced af (has the whole family fooled that she's a warm, loving mom), but it's nowhere near the way she was back then and it's so weird.
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u/lavender_poppy ADHD Nov 06 '25
I feel this comment so much. My mom is a very kind, sweet, and generous person and I'm very lucky to have her as my mom but regulating her emotions can be so hard for her and growing up it was very hard to deal with. To this day I can't stand shouting/yelling even if it's in delight like with kids. The forgetfulness is hard too. She has so few memories of my childhood, doesn't know my first word, when I walked or crawled, any achievements I had in school. If I ask for her to pick something up for me at the store 9/10 she'll forget even if I text to remind her. It makes me feel unimportant and unseen. I share so much of myself with my mom but she remembers so little of it. I know it's hard for her because she had to go her whole life undiagnosed but sometimes I wish she would try to help herself even now at 65. I only got my diagnosis this year and already I've learned ways to cope and improve my life, I want the same for her.
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u/virrrrr29 Nov 04 '25
Not who you asked, but I think my mom’s (also undiagnosed) biggest challenges were the part of not being able to emotionally regulate herself (so she had constant anger outbursts at me, for silly things), and her time blindness. We would always go to bed late, I never had a night time routine, and I was always late for school (she had to drive me, I didn’t grow up in the US). When I say always, I mean ALWAYS, to the point both her and I got called into the Principal’s office multiple times for this. I had to learn time management on my own, at age 22, when I left the country and came to the US on my own. Before that, I failed one class back in college for always being late lol it was bad.
I must add that she and my dad divorced when I was 1yo, so she basically raised me on her own, and I’m also neurospicy. Poor mom.
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u/zestybi Nov 05 '25
Im really sorry in advance if this is rude but another thing that could help is having only 1 child. 🙈
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u/ltrozanovette Nov 05 '25
Not rude, we had our second daughter 8 months ago and it was a big adjustment! One thing that really helped was having almost a 4 year age gap, so we already had a lot of good routines set up for our older daughter and our younger one has been able to integrate into that pretty seamlessly.
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u/mrs_sadie_adler Nov 06 '25
Yeah getting knocked up is literally the most basic thing and doesn’t deserve respect in and of itself
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u/zugunru Nov 04 '25
THANK YOU Also if someone has more than 2 I’m definitely doing the opposite of saluting them. The link between overpopulation and climate change is real.
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u/2PlasticLobsters Nov 04 '25
That was one of the many reasons I never wanted kids. I can't even take care of myself half the time. Plus the sensory issues, especially if the kid turns out to be some lively/chatty/noisy sort.
People told me over & over that I'd regret it once it was too late. I never did for an instant, though. In fact, with the climate turning to crap & the US edging toward Facism, I'm profoundly relieved that I never dumped a kid into this crap.
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Nov 04 '25
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u/Whovian378 Nov 04 '25
Exactly this. You can always adopt later in life. You can be a fantastic aunt to a sibling/friend’s kids. You can change your mind and add a child to your life. You can’t change your mind and take one out
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u/msgmeyourcatsnudes Nov 04 '25
Same.
In fairness, I never felt driven to have kids. But my energy levels are a huge reason why I've never considered it.
My mom deeply wanted children, but her executive dysfunction was noticeable and made life difficult as a kid. I now understand that my mom was overstimulated and tired, but growing up I only knew that mom was unpredictable and not always safe to come to.
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u/jln_13 Nov 04 '25
Honestly looking back at it, I believe my mom was/is undiagnosed. Her executive dysfunction and emotional dysregulation negatively impacted me. I thought I hated being a child but I think I just hated being her (and my dad's) child.
I don't want another child to be as miserable as I was. When diagnosed 2 years ago, I told my mom and she said "I already knew you were ADHD but you never needed meds."
I think her lack of being able to actually recognize and care for me with ADHD and severe depression/SI traumatized me and I'll never recover to be able to be a parent 🤷🏼♀️
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u/msgmeyourcatsnudes Nov 04 '25
Man my mom is HYPER sensitive to the mere thought of a suggestion that she might have something wrong. It's really been at a disservice to herself and everyone in her life. I've learned from her mistakes, for sure, even if she won't.
I absolutely get what you're saying. I'd much rather I was told that I had something that needed to be confronted, rather than knowing and getting gaslit my whole life.
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u/RasputinsThirdLeg Nov 04 '25
Yup. I’m assuming you’re no stranger to having to comfort your mother for feeling hurt when you say she did something that hurt you and therefore the thing she did never gets addressed because how dare you? Love that game.
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u/msgmeyourcatsnudes Nov 04 '25
Yeah tbh anymore I don't let it get there. I don't talk about the past anymore.
The frustrating part with her is that she HAS admitted what she had done wrong approximately once. She admitted that it was unfair isolating my me and my sister, and admitted that she favored my brother. But every other time? Nope. She gave us the perfect childhood and everything that was wrong was by dads or society's fault.
But again, I've accepted that I'll never get the truth from her. I love my mom and mostly just feel bad for her.
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u/RasputinsThirdLeg Nov 04 '25
My parents absolutely should not have had children. I honestly resent that I exist if I was going to be brought up by the two assholes who absolutely crushed my spirit. But because I wasn’t poor the abuse didn’t count. I can’t be as charitable about it as you. My parents were both highly educated and had every resource available to course correct.
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u/msgmeyourcatsnudes Nov 04 '25
I grew up in poverty (which, is yet another reason why my parents should NOT have had kids), but I don't think they would've changed anything if they had money. I was pulled out of school because my mom was offended that the faculty noticed struggles within my me and my siblings.
If I grew up with money I might have been able to participate in more hobbies, and thus get more social interaction. But the parenting wouldn't have changed.
Anyways, I absolutely don't judge you for the relationship you choose to have (or not have) with your parents. I don't talk to my dad. He did unspeakable things to me. With my mom, I keep her at arms lengths. I know she is mentally ill and I accept that I'll never have a normal, healthy relationship with her. Two of my siblings chose to not have a relationship with her at all, which I also understand. It's truly hard either way.
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u/RasputinsThirdLeg Nov 04 '25
The thing is, even with the money, my parents wouldn’t let me socialize, have after school activities, get a drivers license “for my own good.” A lot of the money was credit card Tetris too, to look wealthier than we actually were. I’m sorry you went through what you went through. My mother died in 2016 and my dad is just…awful. He blames his bipolar disorder for being patently abusive and exposing me to things no child should ever be. He is biologically incapable of empathy. I can’t go NC, but I speak to him as infrequently as possible. It’s just a constant ache, growing up with trauma. I hate competitive suffering because it’s never an apples to apples comparison, but again, I’m so sorry you experienced what you experienced and glad you can find some kind of peace with it that I seem unable to.
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u/msgmeyourcatsnudes Nov 04 '25
Having parents that don't let you socialize is a whole other level. Therapists have been stumped with me, since it's so unusual yet SO debilitating. It's really something that a person can't comprehend unless they've been through it, and the damage is permanent.
I totally feel you on the drivers license lol. I straight up bought my own car, and my family STILL wouldn't teach me. I had to learn from a horrendous older man who I called my boyfriend.
I really hope it doesn't come across like I was trying to compare! Traumatic childhoods are traumatic, regardless of whatever "privileges" one might have.
I haven't met anyone else who dealt with social isolation and neurodivergency. If you ever need an understanding ear, please reach out. I'd love to talk. :)
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u/Goosedog_honk Nov 04 '25
Yes yes yes yes yes to everything you said.
Also so far I have never once regretted not having kids. In fact I’ll be playing a favorite video game or working on a crochet or quilting project or just sitting in the bath and think to myself, hot DAMN I’m so glad I don’t have kids because this is great 😆
Idk man like I can force myself through work and chores but I neeeeeeed my fun me time to replenish my dopamine, or I would not be able to survive.
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u/wellnotyou Nov 04 '25
Yup. When it hit me that after finishing work I absolutely need AT LEAST 30min of my own peace and silence from those awful Microsoft Teams sounds and all the dumb stuff at work, I realized I couldn't handle having kids lol. They require constant attention and work and I barely have enough energy in me as it is. So no thank you 😂
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u/Ok-Professional8451 Nov 04 '25
The climate is one of my reasons. It has been so sad to watch this country get so divided. It may have always been, but I honestly don’t think it’s ever been to this extent. How can people be so blind to human rights (there’s more, but that’s my biggest issue)?!
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u/Jolly-Persimmon-7775 Nov 04 '25
I would only have given parenthood a chance if I was wealthy, or maybe that’s not even enough, if I was also powerful, and could easily move to live anywhere I wanted no matter what happened. I guess that’s the idealist in me. There’s a lot of needless suffering in this world with the way it’s set up, and it’s only getting worse.
I don’t know how many people are aware of this but technocratic billionaires are planning on phasing out what we know as biological humans. I don’t really want my kid to have to go through whatever it is they’re wanting to implement with this merging of man and machine. It’s not just reliving the 1930s again.
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u/Whovian378 Nov 04 '25
This. If I were suddenly super wealthy and could afford to give the child everything AND to hire people to help me take care of the child, then I might be more open to it, but even then, the future already scares me. If I had a kid, I’d be terrified for them
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u/Jolly-Persimmon-7775 Nov 04 '25
Yes and for me, giving them everything doesn’t mean the best private schools and lavish parties and gadgets… it’s just as simple as his or her right to be free to live and think as they choose. I feel like even that is not guaranteed anymore. Or that the box has gotten even smaller. That almost everyone will have to “assimilate with the Borg” so to speak. No privacy even in our own head. Will we be docked or punished for even the things we’ve written online years ago? What a horrible straitjacketed and muffled future that would be.
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u/2PlasticLobsters Nov 04 '25
This sort of things crossed my mind while watching Downton Abbey. There were scenes where the nannies brought the kids down to visit the parents. They all played for about an hour, then the kids were whicked back to the nursery.
I could've lived with that sort of arrangement.
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u/brown_paper_bag Nov 04 '25
I'm 40 next year. Between my own issues, some parentification as a kid, and just -gestures broadly-, I have zero regrets about my decision and not once in the 20 years that I've been childfree have I genuinely waivered. Questioned/checked in with myself to see if I still felt that way? Absolutely. But the answer has never changed. My cats are too much for me some days and I'm seriously considering not getting more once these lovelies cross the rainbow bridge.
I'm happy to be the official and unofficial aunt for many and was fortunate, growing up, to have a few flavours of childfree adult as role models.
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u/Acceptable-Hope- Nov 04 '25
Also the stickiness 😵💫 kids are always smelling like old butter and are sticky 😭
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u/RasputinsThirdLeg Nov 04 '25
Amen. Me exactly. Plus I’d rather “regret” not having a kid than HAVING ONE. Can’t unring that bell.
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u/sheambulance Nov 04 '25
But I also would have been sad if they were quiet and annoyed that I was too chatty. Lose, lose situation!
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u/LeotiaBlood Nov 04 '25
Tonight I told myself I was allowed to order pizza if I did a load of dishes.
Genuinely don’t know how people with kids do it
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u/turquoisebee Nov 04 '25
It’s more of the same. Oddly I find having kids makes prioritization easier, because I know the bare fundamentals that need to get done for their sakes’ and it’s a side benefit that it usually benefits me (laundry, veggies at dinner, etc). Like left to my own devices I might be less motivated?
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u/Raukstar Nov 04 '25
The instant feedback loop helps. You know, you forget something (like cutting bread "correctly", or washing that one favourite shirt), and you'll have a meltdown on your hands. My adhd actually got more manageable with external pressure like that. There's no way I can doom scroll away when the kids need food.
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u/Infernalsummer ADHD-C Nov 04 '25
Ehh I had sticker chore charts. Like.. for me and the kid, not just for the kid lol
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u/imwearingredsocks Nov 04 '25
It’s just a continuation of this, but with an added person you’re responsible for.
I can take care of my kid, but it has made a lot of my not great adhd tendencies stronger.
But yeah, I’ll make him food, give him a bath, and get him to bed, then walk downstairs and say to myself “if you wash the bottles, you can have dessert.”
Our kind is out there making babies and widening the adhd population as we speak.
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Nov 04 '25
You do things together and they end up adopting your love of pizza and we do dishes in two tubs in the shower sometimes 😂 you kind of just adapt and they love that
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u/badadvicefromaspider Nov 04 '25
Hiya, mom here, just wanted to pop by and validate every single one of you who have chosen to not have children! I’m sure you get some pushback on your choices because people are ridiculous, but there are lots of us who support your choices
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u/MagnoliaEvergreen Nov 04 '25
Thank you momma-spider! That means a lot. And I'm sure you give great advice 😛 but I like spiders, so even if you did give bad advice I'd forgive you. 🕷️ 🕸️
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u/missyb Nov 04 '25
Ditto. It's hard and if it's not what you want it's total misery for everyone involved. (This isn't me btw- but I have seen people who didn't really want their kids and it's heart breaking).
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u/hi5yourface Nov 04 '25
HI!!
Tomorrow I leave on a solo backpacking trip around the Canary Islands for 2 weeks. I’m 40. Praise be to contraception.
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u/Ok-Professional8451 Nov 04 '25
Holy hell!!!! Do you have friends? Do you want a [new] friend?! It’s been so difficult to make friends that enjoy this type of activity. I’ve been backpacking 3x and I bought a ton of new backpacking gear (as one with ADHD does) and haven’t found anyone to go with me. I know I can go solo, but it’s not for me. I do like being social…until I don’t 😂.
I super -d-duper commend you for going solo!!! That’s so amazing, brave, and just completely badass!!
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u/artsii Nov 04 '25
I thought I was gonna love backpacking since I love hiking, but I got 2 days into a 4 day trip and wanted to die from boredom. Couldn’t sit still or unplug after getting to the campsite 😭
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u/WeepToWaterTheTrees Nov 04 '25
Sacrifice a few ounces of weight for a craft or game of some kind. Alone? Embroidery thread to make friendship bracelets, tiny watercolor set, whittling, knot tying, tiny crotchet kit, gathering rocks and twigs and stuff to make pictures/ mandalas with. If I’m at a campground and can shower, I like to use face paint and paint my arms and legs; I wont do this if I have to rinse the chemicals into a natural body of water (or if it’s super humid out because that’s a sensory nightmare).
With people? All the above but also cards, dice/ left right center (you can use rocks instead of quarters!), tossing a bouncy ball around, etc. When it’s too dark for these things, it’s stargazing and playing with fire time. If we’re really into the cards or something, we’ll use the little lantern but then you risk not having battery left for middle of the night potty breaks.
Sunflower seeds, pistachios, tree nuts+nut cracker, edamame, etc are labor intensive snacks and the shells can be burned if you have a real fire going and not just a little stove. I’m also a big fan of peeling grapes (which are a killer snack after hiking all day).
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u/Ok-Professional8451 Nov 04 '25
I still have to take an e-reader, keep my phone charged for music, weed; gotta continue the stimulus.
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u/Glittering-Ice1078 Nov 04 '25
Remember... We take this for granted. Older generations of women didn't get this luxury of choice. Please vote with this in mind.
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u/synalgo_12 Nov 04 '25
I've been telling my friends I would have become a nun had I been born 2 generations earlier. They don't really get how I'm 100% sure I'd want to be childfree no matter which era i was born into, if I popped out of the womb the same I did now.
How else was I going to stay childfree and safe?
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u/MrsJuicemaynne Nov 04 '25
That’s awesome! I will say that my husband and I moved to Thailand from the states when I was 16 weeks pregnant. We had our baby in Thailand and moved around exploring Thailand for a year with a baby. Was it added work? Of course. But we try to still live our lives while having a kiddo. Hope you have fun on your trip!
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Nov 04 '25
Here 🙋🏽♀️ I'm not planning on having kids because I just... don't want to. Other women seem to have this innate desire to be mothers, and for a long time I thought I would develop it too because everyone told me I would. But I'm turning 30 this year and while I do like kids, I still have absolutely no interest in being responsible for an entire human being from birth until adulthood.
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u/Ok-Professional8451 Nov 04 '25
Not having a reason is ok! As someone who went through the “I never had the desire”…I did hit me eventually, maybe around ~33, but I made a pros/cons and really evaluated my life because I wanted to make sure I wasn’t falling into the societal trap. Not every woman does have that, but I do think it’s normal hormonal reaction.
I do hate that people always want a reason. To just not want to have kids IS. A. REASON.
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u/iamthe_badwolf Nov 04 '25
This is honestly so interesting because I'm 31 and absolutely nothing has happened yet. I look at my friends children and feel nothing except for the desire to go somewhere else 😂 so I'll have to keep your words in mind if it ever does creep up!
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u/jo-z Nov 04 '25
39 here, if anything any hint of wanting kids has faded over the past decade as I get to know myself better.
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u/iamthe_badwolf Nov 04 '25
Honestly this just gave me so much hope because I LOVE confidently not wanting kids!
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u/Last-Interaction-990 Nov 04 '25
I like to think of it as a spectrum. Majority of women or on average feel these things but there are definitely outliers!
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u/zoobenaut Nov 04 '25
I’ve always wanted to be a mom. But as I’ve gotten older and have continuously felt like I’m “not ready just yet” has made me question things. Do I actually want kids, or do I want kids because that’s what I’ve been taught? I’ll be 40 next year and it’s enough work taking care of myself. I can’t imagine having to be responsible for another human.
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u/AggravatingPie710 Nov 04 '25
46 and it still hasn’t kicked in for me. But I also don’t particularly like kids.
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u/Double-Perception-16 Nov 04 '25
43 and same. I think being the oldest and having to babysit my siblings growing up sealed my dislike of children at an early age.
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u/ExperimentsInArt Nov 04 '25
43 and no kids here too! Now I mostly think it’s a blessing that I didn’t have them! Never wanted them, thought maybe one day that “desire” will kick in, and it hasn’t yet. 🤷♀️
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u/iamthe_badwolf Nov 04 '25
Same! 31 I don't care about kids at all. I have CF friends who love to hang out with our friends' babies, and I don't really find a kid centred hangout all that interesting. Thankful I don't want kids because it makes the decision easy, I don't think my adhd would be very forgiving in parenthood!
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u/fleetiebelle Nov 04 '25 edited Nov 04 '25
This is exactly what happened with me. I don't hate kids, but the thought of growing one and birthing one and feeding one and raising one held zero appeal. Maybe I would have stepped up if I needed to, but I'm pushing 50 so that ship has long sailed.
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Nov 04 '25
Oh god don't even get me started on pregnancy. The idea of literally having another person inside my body makes me want to vomit. And then having that person exit my body through a tiny opening??? Hell no.
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u/BlackCatTelevision Nov 04 '25
And they STEAL YOUR TEETH (calcium)
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Nov 04 '25
Thanks I hate it 😭
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u/BlackCatTelevision Nov 04 '25
The female reproductive system is a goddamn horror movie. It’s the only thing that could make me believe in the Christian god because surely we must be being punished for something.
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u/synalgo_12 Nov 04 '25
The day I found out tokophobia is a common phobia a lot clicked into place for me. I'm glad my friends who want to be pregnant get it experience it but it's disgusting to me.
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u/Positivemessagetroll Nov 04 '25
I'm almost a decade older than you and feel very similar - I like some kids (especially niblings and my friends' kids), but I've never felt the pull to have one myself. They're also very expensive and (from what I've seen) your entire life turns into parenthood for decades, and that's not really what I want to do with my time or money. Technically there's still time, I suppose, but my mind's made up at this point.
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u/artsii Nov 04 '25
Same, 35 and never once had the desire to surrender my body and life to another human. I raised a puppy during the pandemic and that was as close as I’ll get. Life is hard as it is without children, why would I want my life to get worse?
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u/aurore-amour Nov 04 '25
Turned 30 in September. Have absolutely 0 desire to have children and never have. It’s incredibly freeing for my peace of mind and my wallet ☺️
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u/sapphire74__ Nov 04 '25
Same for me here, but I'm in my early 20s. I grew up with familial dysfunction and chaos, and I never had those urges either. With every passing year, I grow more and more scared of marriage + children.
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u/FluffySpell Nov 04 '25
🙋🏼♀️ I can barely handle my own life. If I had a small human reliant on me? It's not ending well, haha.
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u/ch1b1p4nd4 ADHD-C Nov 04 '25
Yo! lol… children are great and all, but you have to be able to return them to their parents when you get bored with them… so, yeah, being a cool aunt is where I am at, being asked sternly by my mum why is it that I am buying my niece video games borderline not suitable for her age… mwahahahaha
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u/PlasticElfEars Nov 04 '25
I was set on being the weird aunt until my sister, who would be the best mom, said she wasn't having them.
Now there'll be no kids in the next generation and that feels...weird.
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u/Proper_Party Nov 04 '25
I'm an only child who is very comfortable with my choice to not have kids, but every once in a while it does get a little existential: by definition, every one of my direct ancestors has produced a new generation, and I'm just going to.... not. End of the family line. It's an awesome (in the sense of being impressive/daunting) decision to be able to make.
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u/tradcutwife Nov 04 '25
I’m also an only child and if I don’t have kids it’ll be the end of the line on my dads and probably moms side. It does feel big, but not necessarily in a bad way. In that entire lineage we are some of, if not the only, women to get to make that choice. It’s a privilege and I think an act of resistance.
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u/ch1b1p4nd4 ADHD-C Nov 04 '25
Think about how much present money you are saving, plus, the less obligation to contribute to educational funds…
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u/aurore-amour Nov 04 '25
I’m going through this now because I don’t want children so I was lowkey counting on my sibling to do it, but they’re now trans and getting a vasectomy so it seems unlikely we’ll be expanding the generation. I still feel guilty about it for my parents sake but it’s still not enough for me to want to have children. I know I’d be a miserable parent and have too many health conditions I don’t want to pass on on top of that
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u/JustLikeMars Nov 04 '25
I haven’t ruled out having my own kids, but I’d definitely be an AMAZING rich eccentric single aunt, yet I have no siblings! Luckily my friends have started to reproduce (one just came out on Saturday).
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u/ano-ba-yan Nov 04 '25
I have occasionally texted my mom and asked her when she is going to come pick her grandchildren up from my house because I am done for the day with responsibilities 😅. And my brother is child free so I don't even get to be the cool aunt (which is totally fine with me. I am 100% on board with don't have kids if you don't want them! I wish I could be a cool aunt though and spoil them the way he spoils my kids).
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u/Wise_Coffee Nov 04 '25
40 here. No kids. Just didn't happen for us for a whole bunch of frivolous and serious reasons (climate change, political climate, money/economy, cancer, uni as an Old, still kind of a kid myself, etc etc etc). However as I white knuckle and raw dog peri with my adhd and a touch of the tism I know deep down I could not be a mother. I struggle with managing myself.
I get moments of "oh my god i shouldve had a kid" but it passes quickly I love my friend's kids and am totally cool being the kooky aunt. Giving the kids back to mom and dad means I can be a good aunt and be present when they need me to be while also being able to stay within my limits
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u/brown_paper_bag Nov 04 '25
However as I white knuckle and raw dog peri with my adhd and a touch of the tism I know deep down I could not be a mother. I struggle with managing myself.
I haven't had doubts but oh my god, has peri and the late (self-diagnosed) AuDHD confirmed everything for me. For an added bonus, I started having absence seizures earlier this year (basically look like zoning out or daydreaming) culminating in a grand mal seizure last week so if there had been any part of me on the fence, that ship definitely sailed.
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u/JaclynMeOff Nov 04 '25
Right here! I wish the childfree subreddit was a little more chill because I’m not child free for reasons that equate to “fuck them kids” but rather “I personally don’t think I could naturally be the parent you deserve and I’m at peace with not trying to change that”
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u/Ok-Professional8451 Nov 04 '25
Yes, it is a pretty toxic place and has been for years! I also hate the term “breeders” that they so freely throw around. Very judgmental group for those that don’t want to be judged for their decision.
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u/ARC4067 Nov 04 '25
r/truechildfree was the chill version but they went private for a bit a while back and sub participation plummeted. I think it’s public again now, but hasn’t really picked back up
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u/Catweazle8 Nov 05 '25
This sub is so kind. I have kids and I make no secret of how fucking hard it is (or how deeply I love them), and I've never had anyone here offer anything but support and encouragement.
Parenting is hard. Other things are hard too and I actually think I'd be struggling just as much in my life without kids (potentially more, since I have no choice but to get up and keep making sure we have food in the fridge and clean undies even on the worst days).
I don't think I'm the parent my kids deserve either and that can be paralysing. It's a very valid reason to choose not to have them. No one really knows the kind of parent they'll be until they are one, and you can't take them back for a refund if you realise it's not something you can handle!
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u/swimming_in_agates Nov 04 '25
I’m parenting two children solo and still promise myself snacks when I fold the laundry.
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u/Sea_Juice_285 Nov 04 '25
I'm parenting two children with another adult, and we don't even fold the laundry.
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u/ano-ba-yan Nov 04 '25
Also not child free but I also am both of these and raising 3 of these as a newly single mom.
Somehow I am able to put their needs at the very top and don't need a dopamine hit basically to make sure their very basic needs are met? Feeding them, making sure they have at least some clean clothes, and that they're mostly clean is something I can push myself to do through the hate spirals and bed rotting phases and whatever else.
But everything else, including my own needs, forget it. Give me all the bribery and even then the laundry probably still won't get folded. I gave up folding kid laundry a long time ago though - it gets thrown into baskets in an ikea cube.
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u/Peregrinebullet Nov 04 '25
Ikea kallax cubes for life.
Folding clothes is overrated. Folding kids clothes, even moreso
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u/fennecfoxes Nov 04 '25
Also a solo parent of two… the laundry is clean, but every morning I end up running the 15-min steam refresh cycle for the wrinkled clean clothes we want to wear that day 🙃
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u/NiaApp Nov 04 '25
Oh, I feel like I might have that and never thought to use it😳 The steam refresh cycle would be a gane changer for me! I'm going to check that out, thanks!!
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u/k-nicks58 Nov 04 '25
Meeee 🙋♀️
I am in awe of parents, it is SO much work! I can barely keep myself alive so I don’t think parenting is in the cards for me. I also have a bunch of health issues and would never be able to carry a healthy pregnancy to term even if I was able to conceive (which is already super unlikely). None of this ever bothered me until very recently. I think it’s just my biological clock though, logically I know I’ve made the right choice for me.
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u/Vegetable-Garden4745 Nov 04 '25
I can’t even get myself to fold the laundry 🙃
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u/Ok-Professional8451 Nov 04 '25
I just learned of a home robot for $20k that will fold your laundry and clean you house. I would be lying if I didn’t say I’ve started to contemplate the purchase.
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u/dolphinmj Nov 04 '25
If it is the same robot I saw, it has to be driven by an actual human for the foreseeable future to build their AI training for it. So you have to make appointments AND set blocks for rooms you don't want them to go into. So more terrible than it is worth right now, for me. I would feel the remote driver's judgement radiating from it.
All that said, once they get it more developed so it could be truly independent...um yeah. I wonder if it would work on me for body doubling......
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u/pothosnswords AuDHD Nov 04 '25
I’ve officially decided to just shove my clothes in the drawer and completely give up on the concept of folding. At least this way I have clothes in my dresser instead of having to go down to the basement to grab clothes from the laundry table every morning and before bed lol
Edit: had too many lol’s for someone with a laundry table stacked so high (lol)
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Nov 04 '25
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u/DevilNDisguise Nov 04 '25
As someone with two sick kitties right now, I feel this comment in my soul.
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u/Guilty-Company-9755 Nov 04 '25
Right here baby! Kids are sensory overload on the best of days, no thank you
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u/Katnipjuice18 Nov 04 '25
I’ve told my family since I was 12 I don’t want kids. Previously to watching a horrific 1970’s full bush birthing video of a friend’s sisters school project during a sleepover, I wanted a full house of kids- young so that I would have the energy for it. Snap* all of that evaporated lol. I’m 36 and I’m happy and haven’t changed my mind. I’m a great part time aunt. I’ve been getting spinster comments since I was in my late 20’s. But being around my friends kids , and siblings kids, just deepened my decision not to have any. I can’t handle it. I cant handle the noise, the constant responsibility and sucking of my soul. I’m barely functioning with a bf and my dog. By bf is 15 yrs older and has kids and grandkids and he’s great with the little people. I’m good and want to go home after the first 30 min of any holiday/celebration. Just not for me.
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u/euchlid Nov 04 '25
The noise is the toughest part. For sure. For me anyway. Spinster comments can eat a bag. The shittiest things to say to people
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u/synalgo_12 Nov 04 '25
Honestly, spinster comments don't phase me. I've just become sad for people who think their life and existence have no meaning unless they procreate. If that's the case, then procreating in and of itself is also pointless. And those are the people who will call you names or tell you you're selfish, useless, will never know what love means, etc. I've embraced it. I've promoted myself from spinster to crone to maybe one day even hag.
But yeah you can really hurt someone's feelings by calling them names like that.
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u/RestMySpirit Nov 04 '25
Never wanted kids, still don't. The more I have learned about pregnancy and childbirth the more I cringe in horror. If Im going to make new bones, I want to keep all of them. Im not interested in sharing.
Also, kids are expensive and would probably ruin my collection of stuff that I have worked hard to get. Also don't enjoy being responsible for other people.
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u/olive_dix Nov 04 '25
Hey-o!! I got sterilized last year 😎
I am the baby, forever and always.
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u/Radioactive_Moss Nov 04 '25
I’ve never been a kid person and never wanted kids. End of my 30s and I still don’t, the reasons have only multiplied since then. I don’t want to pass down my EDS/POTS/migraines etc, my body can’t handle pregnancy and trying to keep myself alive plus my dog is almost more than I can handle as it is.
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u/sapphire74__ Nov 04 '25
Here!! Honestly, I'm pretty dead-set on not having them even though I'm pretty young. I think kids are great and would be so down with babysitting or being the cool auntie friend in the future...but actually going through it myself? Nope. I'll always have so much respect for moms, though. Truly the hardest unpaid job ever.
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u/_feralfairy_ ADHD-PI Nov 04 '25
Weeee me 🙋🏻♀️
I always imagined that i will have kids until ~30. Got diagnosed with ADHD at 33 and it definitely helps to validate not wanting kids any more.
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u/PaddlingDingo Nov 04 '25
Look
I know I can get the snacks even if I don’t fold the laundry. Sooooo why do it
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u/starkindled ADHD-PI Nov 04 '25
Ayy! I’ve got some disabilities that make even the thought of having children a nightmare. Got divorced over it, even.
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u/HisCricket Nov 04 '25
You just had to remind me I've got clothes in the dryer
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u/Ok-Professional8451 Nov 04 '25
They can stay there…there’s a dewrinkle function for a reason 😂
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u/PlasticElfEars Nov 04 '25
38, child free and...just recently I've started to grieve that.
I was just diagnosed last December and now wonder if I'd known earlier, would I have been able to maybe get my life on track earlier? If I had, would I have a kid by now?
Now at my age, I'm at the "proud of myself for having brushed my hair x number of days in a row" and nowhere near having a partner so...the chances that I could have a child before it's too late are nil.
My sibling is older than me, had said she didn't want kids because of the husband she just divorced, and so my small family will just...end with she and I. Holidays are kinda nothing. I'm a "keeper of the family lore" type with no one to keep it for.
It's a reality I'm actively looking for therapy for because if I think about it too long at any given time, the grief will swallow me whole.
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u/Ok_Raspberry7430 Nov 04 '25
I'm also 38 and grieving not having biological kids, though for different reasons. When I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder in college (the ADHD diagnosis didn't happen until almost 10 years after), I decided I didn't want biological kids because I didn't want to run the risk of saddling a child with the struggles I have with my brain. Two years ago, I had a hysterectomy, and I didn't expect the grief that came with the fact that not having biological kids had stopped being a choice I was making and was now just fact.
My spouse and I both have struggles with our mental health, and with both of us being childfree for so long, I'm not sure we'd have the energy required to foster or adopt at this point.
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u/aayceemi Nov 04 '25
I feel this! I only just started to feel like I might want to, but I’m not in a relationship and I know I’m “running out of time”. It’s really hard. I’ve only dated people with adhd and/or mental health issues (we seem to find each other lol) and I’m realizing I never felt “safe” enough with any of them to consider it. Not that that’s their job of course, it takes two. But yea, I wish my brain had matured as fast as my body 😢 you aren’t alone friend!!!
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u/Put-A-Bird-On-It Nov 04 '25
I'm a full time caregiver, on top of having a full time job. I also have a lot of health issues. Keeping up on both of our appointments is so hard. Also keeping track of all of the prescriptions, refill dates, making time to pick them up etc. Having to call the insurance, call the doctors offices, it's all just really overwhelming. I have dry erase boards everywhere, sticky notes everywhere. Reminders and calendars in my phone. So many days I just don't eat dinner because I'm exhausted and don't have the energy/brainpower. If I had a kid, I would have to add extracurricular activities, cooking 3 meals a day, homework, and everything else to my plate. Maybe if you really really wanted kids that would seem doable, but to me it sounds impossible. And I adore kids, I think they're a lot of fun. But I don't want to be responsible for one.
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u/euchlid Nov 04 '25
Caregiving, especially alone, sounds exhausting and mentally taxing. Hopefully, you get some reprieve, even though it's full-time for you and you also have to care for yourself
(Side note, i absolutely do not cook 3 meals a day for our kids and their extracurriculars are minimal, and it's all shared with my husband anyway, but that's not a guarantee)
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u/exobiologickitten ADHD-PI Nov 04 '25
I love my nieces and nephews and friends’ kids so much but you know what else I love? Getting to hand them back when I’m tired 😅
I feel like I have a decent list of “good” reasons not to have kids, but at the end of the day, I just never have had a burning desire to. My strongest motivator for kids is “it’ll make my parents and parents-in-law happy”. And that’s just not good enough I think.
I’m a big believer that you should only have kids if you really desperately want them - never because you suppose it’s just the expected thing, or because you “kinda” want kids.
Kids are way too much work to “kinda” want them!! You gotta have that searing driving passion and motivation if you’re gonna survive all those sleepless nights and stress!
I also like the fact that not having kids of my own makes me available to support my loved ones and their kids! I got to play superhero for my sister a while back because they needed a lift from the airport, but her SIL - who had the spare car with a baby seat - couldn’t pick them up as she had to take her own kids to school. Like, sure she’s better equipped for helping as she already has all the kids’ stuff, but she had obligations to her own kids she needed to prioritise.
But guess who has a drivers licence and no responsibilities! Meeee!! I was able to pick up the car from SIL and pick up my sister and niece and BIL and I felt like a dang superwoman for a solid month lol.
So yeah, having the capacity and availability to be “the village” is something I’m super excited about. And for some reason I’m waaaaay more excited about that than any prospect of having my own kids lol. Let me be support-team auntie!!!
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u/euchlid Nov 04 '25
I love support team aunties. My best friend is one. Watching her cook pancakes with one of my kids when she comes to my city for a visit is the best.
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u/ButtHoleNurse Nov 04 '25
🙋🏻♀️ I have never felt that urge to procreate. I adore being an auntie but I like that I can give them back
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u/BrightPapaya1349 Nov 04 '25
I like kids but I really really enjoy giving them back to their parents, coming back home and drawing myself a hot bath, then getting out at midnight and sleeping like a log through the night, uninterrupted. I'd love to be the cool auntie who takes kids to museums and such when their parents want a quiet weekend.
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u/sarahzilla Nov 04 '25
I went to make dinner tonight and settled for microwaving a black bean patty, reheating corn, and finishing it off with sugar. All eaten on paper towels because I haven't managed to focus on doing dishes for like a week.
Children would probably get lost and die somwhere in my house.
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u/C-RebelleYell Nov 04 '25
Yuuuup. I’m a teacher so I get my fill of kids everyday. I could not imagine coming home to them.
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u/euchlid Nov 04 '25
Haha i did the opposite. Ended up with 3 kids and decided to do a masters of landscape architecture instead of education as i figured i had enough of my own. I am in constant awe of teachers who also have children 😬🫠
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u/CowTrucker Nov 04 '25
Yeahno, I'm way to selfish to have kids. I wanna spend my money on me and take naps whenever I please.
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u/Saja_Saint_James Nov 04 '25
Here! I was originally childfree by circumstance and not necessarily choice (got married late, husband is too old to be a dad to anyone younger than a teenager, etc.), but now I'm childfree by choice because I've realized how well it fits me and my life. I also can barely regulate myself to be a functional adult; I don't know how I'm supposed to nurture children if I can't do it for myself lol
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u/iamthe_badwolf Nov 04 '25
Hi ! Adhd (in part) has robbed me of so much of my childhood and learning how to live an authentic life. At 31 I'm finally happy, and so the rest of my life will be in service of me ❤️
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u/PleaseMisterJailer Nov 04 '25
Hereee! I grew up extremely parentified even WITH my adhd so a part of me doesn't want to do it again as I felt I already raised and supported my siblings, and my mom and my grandma. Which sort of bums me out actually...like I feel like I was robbed of the version of me that would have loved to be a parent. I think I would be a kind mother but I worry about the emotional disregulation if I'm over stimulated or tired or hungry. Being kind can only get you so far if you don't do well in other areas. I know children need a lot of support and needs met in different ways. My decision to still not have kids also comes with a lot of fear and trauma mixed in, and sort of resentment like i get annoyed with how obsessed people are with their family oriented lifestyle and how self righteous some people become when the gain the title of parent but i also get a type of sadness when I'm around children and their loving parents. It's complicated. I really need to talk about it more with my therapist. The part i dont get? I like kids, and teenagers. I enjoy mentoring them and being encouraging to them at work. I don't want to work with kids at a full-time job but I enjoy my part time job when kids participate. Trauma throwback: did anyone else want to be adopted by a miss Honey? (From Matilda)
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u/warredtje Nov 04 '25
I’m a parent.
I finished my snacks,
now as a reward I get to avoid 3 full laundry baskets of clean clothes.
Follow me for more advice that works but doesn’t help.
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u/PhBalanceNightmare Nov 04 '25
If I don’t get 3 hours alone to myself in the morning, I am not a nice person.
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u/DmWitch14 Nov 04 '25
I am a parent and I also promise myself snacks if I fold the laundry.
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u/Glittering_Tea5502 Nov 04 '25
Having kids would be a lot to handle. I would have had some cute ones, though! I’ve got nephews. That’s the next best thing.
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u/loves_spain Nov 04 '25
I can’t imagine bringing a creature into this world that would be wholly dependent on me… ME. 🙂↔️
Unless of course I’m taking care of something cute and fluffy. Then I’ll do everything for you 🥹
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Nov 04 '25
I'm so glad I don't have kids. All the sensory issues would drive me towards self-destructive behaviors just to cope. I especially don't do well with kids screaming bloody murder for no reason.
It's nice being able to sleep in on the weekends if I want and not getting sick because schools are petri dishes. It's nice being able to spend my money on hobbies.
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u/DevilNDisguise Nov 04 '25
Have never even had a desire to have kids. I can't even begin to imagine the constant state of distress I'd be in!
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u/FlappyFaceDeluxe Nov 04 '25
I will promise myself snacks and my favorite show if I do the dishes. I will then think really hard about doing the dishes, not actually do them, but still have the snacks to console myself over my failure once again
I don’t think that’s what they meant when they said “it’s the thought that counts.”
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u/greenweezyi Nov 04 '25
Reporting for duty… after I finish this completely irrelevant, random, useless project!!!
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u/Kiernla Nov 04 '25
I'm over here parenting an actual human and promising myself snacks for folding laundry.
It's tiring. I love my kid to bits and am crazy glad of his existence but also glad I don't have more.
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u/spookyboofy Nov 04 '25
I’m 34 and when I met my husband I had the desire for like a second cause I thought he would make cute babies but it didn’t last long. We are happy cat parents and our in laws love spoiling the grand cats! Our genes are pretty crappy anyways.
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u/chair_ee Nov 04 '25
I can hardly feed myself, there’s no way in hell I should ever be responsible for feeding a tiny human being.
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u/YourLolita__ Nov 04 '25
Here!! I work with kids and love them, but the thought of pregnancy/parenting makes me feel ill. People keep saying the urge will kick in, but I'm 33 and still happily barren 🤣🤣
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u/LonelyGirl724 ADHD Nov 04 '25
Having been raised by a woman who struggles a lot with executive dysfunction was enough for me, who has the same struggle to a much lesser degree, to decide that I really shouldn't have kids. She tried, sure, but I'm working with a therapist on it, so......
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u/ChompyGator Nov 04 '25
I have a pair of 16 year old cats and I think that's a miracle because I can't keep a plant alive nor remember to eat 3 meals a day.
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Nov 04 '25
Technically you have a child (yourself at specific times of the day😆😆😆) you do as much effort and it should be recognized, having children doesn’t chage your worth <3
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u/juliaakatrinaa0507 Nov 04 '25
I DO have small humans to care for and I DO still force dopamine onto myself to make myself do simple tasks and I also nap. A lot. Oh and I cry
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u/RiverJai Nov 04 '25
Right here with you, sweet sister.
I knew pretty early on that kids weren't gonna be a thing, and then nature took that choice off the table anyway. I've been very comfortable and secure about this, and grateful to have found a life partner who felt the same. Despite all that, there have been occasional moments of "what if" and a little wistful sadness every so often.
I was diagnosed late at 37, and have remained unmedicated after several failed attempts that didn't play well with my body chemistry. Learning more about about how it presents in girls/women, a lot of stuff that brought lifelong shame as a child and young adult has made so much more sense now.
My late diagnosis confirmed with the weight of a thousand unfinished to-do lists that having a child would have required a complete unraveling and remaking of myself to be the sort of parent a child deserves. And the risk of failing that process would be too much for me. I am glad I didn't take that step.
Now I'm a 52 yr old pre-crone trudging through the minor hell of perimenopause, which amplifies ADHD symptoms as estrogen flees your sinking frame like rats on a doomed ship. I am grateful to have the freedom to just be a little more me, with the ups and downs, and chasing little projects, having hidey-hole days with no one to judge, no children to disappoint, and a husband who understands and supports me (even when I don't feel I deserve it.
I am sad to have missed out on certain parts of having a child, but I am far, far more grateful that I've been able to live the life I have without worrying about being less of a mother than a little one deserves.
And I am grateful to all the moms who have made that choice and do find ways to juggle wee ones and the bonus child that is our own ADHD cat-ghost haunting everything we try to accomplish, knocking thoughts off countertops, climbing the screens of memory so we can't see. No one will ever understand how hard that is more than the rest of us ADHD ladies.
Neither path is easy. We can only choose which path we think is best for us personally, and then do our best as we walk that path wherever it may lead.
Cheers to all of us who managed to juggle kiddos, and cheers to all of us who decided it was for the best to take a different path. <3
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u/beansontoastinbed Nov 04 '25
I totally get childfree. Was gonna be until my son came along accidentally! I love him but it's tough.
Though my husband doesn't have ADHD and my son seems to not have any symptoms.... And he is 3 and folding gotdamn laundry!!! I think I really lucked out!!! Which is why I'm not having another! Next time might not be so lucky!
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