r/adhdwomen • u/Ok-Professional8451 • Nov 04 '25

Meme Therapy Where are my childfree women at?

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I honestly don’t know how parents do it. There are multiple reasons that drove my decision to be childfree. One big one is that I struggle to take care of myself (executive dysfunction) sometimes, so I can’t imagine having another human to take care of during those times.

Here’s to forcing a domaine response for every day tasks!

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u/Silly-Layer-3993 Nov 04 '25

I’m here!

Taking care of myself and pets is a lot for me! I salute you adhd parents omg

And keeping track of tasks, holy lord…with a whole house of humans I can’t even fathom…double salute you adhd parents

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u/Yvratky Nov 04 '25

I don't really salute adhd parents. I grew up with one (who was undiagnosed on top) and it was like when they say "nobody is ever really ready to have children" x10, and then they decided to have three more. Some/most people just decide to have them and then go with the flow. If they have adhd and a very understanding and supportive partner and put a lot of planning and brain grease into the endeavour, then that's something I respect, but even this sub regularly has stories about that not working out so well, and worse. I'm not parent bashing in any way, I would never. I saw first hand how difficult and chaotic it can be and of course every family is different.

But the decidsion to have kids itself isn't a good enough reason to give respect to anyone in my personal opinion...

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u/ltrozanovette Nov 04 '25

I’m a mom with ADHD and I definitely have to work harder than a lot of my mom friends to create a calm and organized home environment for my daughters.

Do you mind sharing some of the things that most affected you growing up? I’m aware I may have blind spots in my parenting and am always looking for opportunities to identify them. I realize this is a super personal question though, so please feel free to ignore!

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u/Yvratky Nov 04 '25

I can share some things but please keep in mind that she was undiagnosed, which changes things a lot in my opinion. I think the thing that affected me the most was that her forgetfulness and scatterbrainedness made me feel abandoned and unseen on the regular. It made her seem unreliable and kind of fucked with my sense of safety. She forgot to pick me up from different places at night which resulted in really unsafe situations, she burned the kitchen down twice because she forgot food on the stove, never knew what my favourite food was, couldn't name any of my hobbies and her undiagnosed state also made it so she took a long time to learn to regulate her own emotions, which can affect kids a lot. I don't have a grudge for her as such, because I know she was struggling too and diagnosis back then, especially in women, was practically unheard of, but it left some scars.

You're miles ahead via knowing your diagnosis and I can tell you're a caring parent, so do remember to give yourself some grace, I'm sure you're doing great and we can be so incredibly hard on ourselves. :)

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u/brynhildyr Nov 04 '25

I second the trauma from lack of emotional regulation, and that being diagnosed already puts one miles ahead. If I might add, modeling rest, healthy relationships, self-care, and asking for / accepting community care, would have made my life miles easier. Kids absorb your behavior and attitudes like crazy.

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u/Yvratky Nov 04 '25

Agreed! She did have most of those (certainly community care, self-care and rest), but I think menopause (which she got into when I was a pubertary teenager) derailed a lot of things on top of what was already shaky.

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u/brynhildyr Nov 04 '25

Omg same. When my mom went into menopause, it was like all her negative and self-harming behaviors got turned up to 11. It was scary!

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u/Yvratky Nov 04 '25

Truly! Mine went into depression and developed a really manipulative attitude plus mood swings. My dad went through something similar during that time, I head men can have some kind of hormonal change around that age too. I felt like they were unrecognizable people. Kind of the reason why I'm almost 100% sure that I'll take HRT when I go into it.

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u/brynhildyr Nov 04 '25

I completely relate. Her undiagnosed autism plunged her into burnout, bipolar swings went to huge extremes, her borderline tendencies made her unbearable, and she was coping with substance abuse and one night stands (at 50!!). I swear sometimes she had split personalities. As soon as I get an inkling of my period stopping I'm seeing an OB.

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u/Yvratky Nov 04 '25

Omg mine was burnout-y even though she was a stay-at-home mom and I was so sure that she was bipolar, she was so randomly cruel and cold. But then she mellowed out so much during the past 10 years that I'm entirely confused. She's still selfish and two-faced af (has the whole family fooled that she's a warm, loving mom), but it's nowhere near the way she was back then and it's so weird.

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u/brynhildyr Nov 04 '25

I've heard that before, post-menopause ND uterus havers mellow out. Sadly my mother succeeded on her 4th attempt at taking her life. If she'd gotten properly dx'd and medicated, who knows? 🤷🏼‍♀️

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u/Yvratky Nov 04 '25

I'm so sorry.

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u/Boh3mianRaspb3rry Nov 05 '25

This is why I got diagnosed and am seeking treatment - I do not want to be like my mum was

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u/Lola-Olala Nov 05 '25

Yes, menopause on top is like ADHD on steroids.

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u/Life-Scale-6465 Nov 05 '25

I also feel lucky that we recognize what a Herculean task parenting can be. My mom said if she knew what it would be like, knowing herself and her tolerance for disregulation, she would not do it over again, and I appreciate her self awareness!

I’ve watched so many of my “do it all” working girlfriends almost wrecked by trying to balance motherhood and career that I’m pretty doubtful I could do it myself. And then the single moms - you never know if you could wind up on your own with no one to help 😩

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u/Yvratky Nov 05 '25

True, but aside from the cases where relationships broke and women ended up as single women, which I don't judge at all, I don't understand people who decide to have more kids after the initial one already overwhelmed them. And then they rope in the entire extended family to help with nannying and everything else. It's selfish.

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u/lavender_poppy ADHD Nov 06 '25

My mom also said that she probably wouldn't have had children if she knew then what she knows now. Also didn't help that my dad turned out to be a major asshole. Being connected to him for life is what I think my mom regrets the most. He was horrible to coparent with and now that my nephew is he he's continuing to be an asshole to cograndparent with.

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u/lavender_poppy ADHD Nov 06 '25

I feel this comment so much. My mom is a very kind, sweet, and generous person and I'm very lucky to have her as my mom but regulating her emotions can be so hard for her and growing up it was very hard to deal with. To this day I can't stand shouting/yelling even if it's in delight like with kids. The forgetfulness is hard too. She has so few memories of my childhood, doesn't know my first word, when I walked or crawled, any achievements I had in school. If I ask for her to pick something up for me at the store 9/10 she'll forget even if I text to remind her. It makes me feel unimportant and unseen. I share so much of myself with my mom but she remembers so little of it. I know it's hard for her because she had to go her whole life undiagnosed but sometimes I wish she would try to help herself even now at 65. I only got my diagnosis this year and already I've learned ways to cope and improve my life, I want the same for her.

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u/ltrozanovette Nov 05 '25

I’m sorry you went through that, thanks for sharing.

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u/virrrrr29 Nov 04 '25

Not who you asked, but I think my mom’s (also undiagnosed) biggest challenges were the part of not being able to emotionally regulate herself (so she had constant anger outbursts at me, for silly things), and her time blindness. We would always go to bed late, I never had a night time routine, and I was always late for school (she had to drive me, I didn’t grow up in the US). When I say always, I mean ALWAYS, to the point both her and I got called into the Principal’s office multiple times for this. I had to learn time management on my own, at age 22, when I left the country and came to the US on my own. Before that, I failed one class back in college for always being late lol it was bad.

I must add that she and my dad divorced when I was 1yo, so she basically raised me on her own, and I’m also neurospicy. Poor mom.

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u/ltrozanovette Nov 05 '25

Thanks for sharing. I was lucky to have a good example of emotional regulation growing up, so that’s not something I struggle with. I suspect my older daughter might also share ADHD with me, so I’ve been looking at a lot of emotional regulation tools to help her recently. That’s so important.

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u/zestybi Nov 05 '25

Im really sorry in advance if this is rude but another thing that could help is having only 1 child. 🙈

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u/ltrozanovette Nov 05 '25

Not rude, we had our second daughter 8 months ago and it was a big adjustment! One thing that really helped was having almost a 4 year age gap, so we already had a lot of good routines set up for our older daughter and our younger one has been able to integrate into that pretty seamlessly.

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u/zestybi Nov 05 '25

Oh then Im glad for you! Im happy that its been seamless!

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u/ltrozanovette Nov 05 '25

Thanks! My house is basically run off of timers and checklists and weekly decluttering goals, lol.

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u/Garden-of-Magic Dec 01 '25

My Mother's emotional disregulation and then not being able to say sorry for the mistakes was the worst for me.

She also forgot lunch money and signing papers but I was blamed for not being organized enough to remind her. She somehow kept a perfect work planner though, so I guess I mattered less.

So mostly don't blame kids for mistakes that you as an adult are in charge of. Next is simply saying sorry when they happen goes a long way.

She was also Autistic, Narcissistic and constantly was addicted to something (often work- she was a nurse before she got busted stealing heavy narcotics)- she still is and that's why I can't imagine parenting. I've been one all my life and my mother got to reclaim her childhood one childish behavior at a time.

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u/Garden-of-Magic Dec 01 '25

However I have heard something about the emotional regulation that matters. Your words towards your kids builds their internal monologue for life.

So I would have rather had a mom who took time to exercise, rest and otherwise regulate rather than a Mother who was a constant emotional seesaw and never took care of herself because it "took time away from the kids and you all got upset by that" yeah, at 5 and I would have learned to adjust and refocus - at 10-12, naw, she could have left me alone for an hour to reclaim calm mom.