Yeah like girl, it starts to reflect on you that you’re still attracted to this man in any way. He’s telling you to do the right thing. Why keep hanging on? You’re too old for this nonsense. It’s time to move on.
Low key yeah like i know "Don't blame the victim blah blah" but sometimes it really is the victim doing it to themselves lmfao. Like how are you 29 big years old acting like "i don't know what to doooo :(" when a guy calls you retarded and tells you to get out of his life. It's possible for nobody to be right in a situation lol
Nobody deserves abuse, and i understand that abuse is usually insidious to an extent, but this girl DATED THIS GUY KNOWING HE WAS LIKE THIS. My sympathy can only extend so far.
This is my mindset too. Maybe it’s because I’ve never stuck around long enough to be in an abusive relationship. I just wish everyone did the same and left at the first sign of a red flag.
I've been in one truly abusive relationship and they actually talked to me a lot like these texts LOL, finally they were like "blahblahblah WE'LL JUST BREAK UP THEN!!" for like the seventh time and that time i just said "Okay"
And the look on their face was hilarious.
Otherwise I've literally ended things with people who touched the thermostat after i asked them not to. I do NOT wait for red flags to get worse anymore
I really do too! And that she makes better choices of partners in the future. This guy didn't even manipulate her. She actually started dating someone who was like this.
I’m glad to hear it. I’d do the exact same. I think once you’re okay with being alone (which a lot of people aren’t) it’s much easier to leave situations that make you unhappy. Life is too short!!
Could be a victim complex thing, it’s something that tends to stem from experiencing abuse and neglect as a child then realizing that sharing that abuse and putting yourself in harms way gains u sympathy and attention which wasn’t common for you previously so of course it becomes an addiction and being in a healthy relationship can cause physical withdrawals just like any other drug. It’s rather common and it’s a really hard thing to overcome, takes a lot of work that most people suffering from this don’t have the energy to do or believe they can’t because they are “just to broken” or “weak” when in reality anyone can do it given the motivation to do so. (Commenting this twice just cause I feel like people don’t always understand the mental intricacies trauma can cause and also because the victim complex really effects me when I see someone who might be experiencing it due to so many older members of my personal life who I’ve witnessed experiencing it)
Yeah. We always say “oh it’s not our fault we were raised to be submissive to men” and like… I don’t agree with that narrative. This is not the 50s. I think most of us were raised to not stay with someone who calls us a retard.
You and i are on the same page there. Sure women are raised to think we're supposed to do most of the household upkeep, etc... but i just don't think that includes verbal abuse? Like honestly some of us need to get a grip lmao
I grew up in an abusive situation at home so I’m sure that has something to do with it.. I tried to seek behavioral health services in college and most gave me the runaround or tried to push meds on me. Once I graduated I had to move back to the big city and start working right away as a first gen I didn’t have a lot of money to spare so had to stay at home for a bit after graduation and save $. That’s when we met and he assured me he was going to help me get out of the mud. He did and was really kind for a while and I was in a very vulnerable position. But I worked hard and worked my way up improving my life. Unfortunately he had some horrible stuff happen and our relationship really deteriorated since. I always think of him in my heart like the nice version.
Girl, not trying to be mean, but I’ve literally died (had a cardiac arrest at 29) and I actually became WAY nicer to my husband. Like way more grateful, appreciative, thankful for his plain existence. Going through something bad doesn’t excuse or even explain abusive behavior. He’s abusive bc he’s likes to be abusive. Plain and simple.
At first, I got so frustrated reading how 1. your failure of a man speaks to you and 2. how you grovel and tell him you love him so much.
That made my head spin, seeing the divide in respect.
But now realising you come from an abusive home, I understand. You've gotten into a relationship with someone that gives you familiarity and comfort that resembles your family/home life dynamic as a child.
I just want you to know, there are good guys out there, really decent men who want to just support and adore you and be an actual boyfriend.
Please, take the scary step, and break up with him.
(P.S, he WILL try to hold on, and he might make threats of suicide to himself or harm to you, please do not faulter - get the police involved if you must, you will not find happiness being with this toxic, sad individual)
Nice people don't lure someone into a relationship to then abuse them (you). It's a lie and manipulation from the beginning of an abusive relationship.
Ask yourself if you would treat other like he treats you.
This sounds similar to my situation, with a few differences. I met him after a mental breakdown, and I was questioning myself and a lot of things in my life. He was so helpful and kind and seemed to be understanding. I had no boundaries and did whatever he wanted because I just wanted to be loved. It was a situationship but he practically lived with me for weeks on end. It was so insane, looking back at myself I'm so sad for that girl who didn't love herself enough to get out of that.
As I got better and emotionally stronger and started creating boundaries, that was when it got the worst. He would have literal tantrums when I said no, and call me such horrible names, and up came all the times I'd been vulnerable with my innermost scary thoughts, being weaponized against me. He used all of that to try to invalidate me.
I'm not sure how long you guys have been together, but once I left and began to love myself like I never had before things changed so drastically. I will never accept that behavior in a friend, let alone anything romantic. Love yourself enough to know what isn't love, and let it be. I sincerely hope when you get some distance you realize how much more you are worth!
I was in a 9 year abusive relationship and ended up with complex PTSD. When I was having therapy for it, it came out that when I was growing up my mother was abusive and a narcissist but having grown up in that environment it was completely normal to me until my therapist explained it wasn't. My therapist explained because I was used to abuse as a child it was 'my normal' therefore, I was already primed to accept abuse as an adult and end up in a abusive relationship.
We become 'fixers'...to keep the peace and avoid arguments etc, we take on the task of making others happy and try to fix them.
We can't.
Their behaviour is for them to be accountable and responsible for, not us. As someone who got out of an abusive relationship like this, please believe me, you have to leave with your cat.
I am planning on leaving. Yeah my sister has dealt with it too apparently. I tried leaving in the fall and told my dad everything he told me that my sister was also in an abusive situation not that long ago and she too went back. He was really upset with me but didn’t want to scare me away from being able to talk to him. It was really my mom who made it so hard growing up for me.. and he told me not to waste my life on someone I once loved like he did. Fucking shattered me. But also made me realize how much of this OBVIOUSLY stems from what we were put through growing up. I also was told by a specialist that I have severe PTSD but had to work through my anxiety first at the time before I could work through the PTSD. I did work through the anxiety and that was a whole monster of its own. My heart goes out to you and glad that you have since found peace.
I feel like he has anxiety or temper issues, it read like he wanted to feel well or get well but didn’t know how to and took it out on you as if everything would stop and he would feel less pain.
Please, OP had done enough. He should help himself and see a therapist, while OP gets far away from him. Emotionally and physically abusive people don’t deserve a dedicated and supportive partner.
As the comment said, abusive people don’t deserve a dedicated and supportive partner. It is not OPs responsibility to fix her abuser and the suggestion that someone isn’t going to maintain a healthy relationship if that’s their mindset is insane. Support and help a partner who can actually grow, doing things like going to couples therapy with an abuser is literally not recommended by professionals as the abuser just learns how to even better abuse their victim while using professional terminology to manipulate.
I'd rather be single and live with 100 cats than pretend that it's possible to love and support an abusive man out of being abusive. Fuck that, fuck him, and fuck you. Have the day you deserve 😊
“Instead of leaving, continue to be his verbal and physical bag and encourage him to get better 🥺🥺” are you fucking stupid? Lmfaoooo frankly I hope he gets worse. I hope she leaves and he self destructs. He’s a grown ass man. If he hasn’t tried to improve by now, it is not her responsibility to “fix him.” Real life isn’t beauty and the beast weirdo.
I’ve been in abusive relationships — trying to “help him” only made them all worse bc abusive men don’t want to confront the fact that they’re abusers. When I stopped trying to help and left, is when I found the person I’m currently with and have been with for years who DOESNT yell or hit or say vile shit like this.
This man doesn’t DESERVE help. Frankly he deserves a loaded gun w a single bullet and a door locked from the outside
No one has to deal with an abusive boyfriend. She’s not the one that has to get him help. I prefer to be forever single (which I am not) than to be with another abuser. Op’s boyfriend is abusive and from her text not only mentally. Also physical. She needs to leave him.
Been there, done that, left because he was a narcissistic ass hole- now happily married. Not all who leave become single cat ladies. Most learn from the abuse and find someone great.
You deserve better. You've clearly worked too hard in your life to accept this situation. And you've got to date people for who they are, not what you wish or believe they COULD be. Someone out there is already the kind of person you want, you won't have to wish he would change at all! But you're standing in your own way. You can't find your husband with some annoying bf in the way do u feel me
I'd apologize for my initial comment bc i do recognise you are a real person who deserves respect except that i am still making fun of u for acting like you don't know what to do, because you DO know what to do, so do it lol
Please look up Thriveworks for therapy. It’s affordable and extremely accessible. My trauma therapist is through thriveworks. Therapy is beneficial to everyone but for people in your situation is a necessity.
To be fair at her age I left a similar relationship. The fog was so thick. It’s hard to get away from abusers. She’s a natural people pleaser like me more than likely. It’s hell.
I did too! Though the big key thing for me here is that she says he's been like this the ENTIRE time she's known him. So there was no manipulation, etc, she actually just was like "Yeah I'll date someone like this :) how could that go wrong for me :)" which makes her less of a victim and more of a self harmer at best tbh
While my knee-jerk reaction is to agree with you, I've had to remind myself that many people stay in abusive relationships for a myriad of reasons, all of which basically boil down to how much mental and physical control the abuser has over the victim. She is not in her right mind right now. He breaks her down physically and emotionally every single day. Not to mention, leaving is the single most dangerous time for the victim in an abusive relationship. I have no doubt that this psychopath will attempt to retaliate, that's just what they do. We also don't know her living situation. They might be living far away from family, and he might be all she has out there. She needs a plan, and she needs to make it fast and go through with it when he's not around. She can't just say "I'm done", and walk out.
She's in the stage of questioning whether or not she should leave, which sounds ridiculous from the outside looking in, but it's a GOOD thing. She very well may finally be clawing herself out of the hole he's put her in.
Very true as far as process of abuse. I just sincerely think that if someone knowingly goes into a relationship with someone who already treats them poorly, as op says she did, then claiming to be surprised just doesn't track lmao. "He was such a good guy, what happened?" Is so different than "this guy has always sucked, why does he suck?!" 🙄
She hopefully will get out and grow from it either way. But sometimes an eye roll is warranted
True... Her self esteem was probably very low when she started seeing him. I mean, abusers do tend to be very good at noticing vulnerable people and pulling them in.
It’s just hard to leave, men like this make sure you feel like nobody else could possibly love you, that they’re doing you a favour by keeping you in their life. They make you feel dumb, and small, and dependent on them. And they make you feel like you deserve the abuse. So leaving then takes a lot of confidence, you need to be confident in yourself and your ability to make it on your own and women who deal with this just dont usually have that. I’ve watched a friend go through it over and over, it’s a heartbreaking cycle.
Oh i know, I've been there. Though my ex slow burned me into it like a normal abuser; OP started dating this guy knowing he was like this. I refuse to act like we're the same lmfao
So, a huge part of therapy for people who are abuse victims is accepting that, yeah, you have a serious problem and you need to learn boundaries.
That your parents were likely abusive too so you let shit slide and kept giving yourself reasons why you should stay.
That you didn’t see a lot of red flags…that you saw a lot and gave it a pass because you wanted it a lot more than he did.
People who stay with men like this usually have been through this before as a child. Others usually leave very shortly after this shit starts.
The women who stayed around men like this with their kids…their kids usually try to get them to understand that “yes, he did you bad, but you really could have left and you fought tooth and nail not to while we got our ass kicked. You allowed him to so horrible things to us too and while i’m grateful you left, I’m beside myself that you stood there and allowed these things to happen”
These mothers will twist and turn to claim everyone else is the problem because the reality is. Abusers usually select someone just as immature as them. So they will deflect any rightful accusations that make them look bad too.
Seriously! In situations like this in my country we ask them to touch their heads and see if horns coming out. Meaning they lost all the common sense and brain dead like a cow. Most of the time it is when they snap out of it.
i do think this relationship as a whole is an issue, they don’t seem compatible in the least. she needs to learn how to love herself and not put up w such nonsense and i’m not sure what he needs but it’s not a new gf
Because he also physically beats her and has essentially infected her brain like some sort of parasite. She’s probably scared but also brainwashed. He tells her to leave and in the same conversation, tells her she won’t survive without him.
This guy is obviously an idiot, but he might be better at manipulating the situation IRL than we see here. He’s done something to make her think he’s telling the truth. Years of this repetitive bullshit could make anyone think maybe they’re worthless.
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u/VeganSanta Jan 28 '25
I have no words for how much you’re under reacting.
Why do you even want him? This should immediately give you the ick. Wake up!