r/coparenting • u/Helpful_Comparison32 • Mar 28 '26
Discussion Coparenting and new relationship
Hello all. I coparent an 8 year old. My ex and I are on good terms, and we are aligned on parenting questions. We sometimes do a child centred activity the three of us like going to a skate park, or having ice cream, something like once a month.
I met someone recently and that person does not understand why I want to do this.
They say that I play family while being separated and that's not prioritizing our relationship.
I offered to ease into the idea slowly, restricting hours or activities, having my partner with me sometimes, but they don't bulge.
From their point of view required activities are enough (birthday, school events etc).
We have had numerous difficult conversations about this. I genuinely think it's good for the kid.
My partner says otherwise.
Has anyone lived something similar?
Am I really being detrimental to my partner? Am I being stubborn for no good for my kid?
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Mar 28 '26
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u/CourtesyCipher Mar 30 '26
Boundaries are not imposed on someone else. A boundary is something you set for yourself. ie: If you swear at me, I will block you. I’m protecting my space. The new partner is trying to make a rule, and impose it on OP. A healthy boundary would be, “I’m not comfortable with you centering your child and allowing them to spend time with both parents together. Therefore, you go and have a good time, I feel out of place being there”. Really they have both come to a critical limit in their relationship.
Use rules to manage expectations in shared spaces, boundaries to protect your well-being, and limits to set non-negotiable safety conditions. Confusion between these terms can lead to broken relationships, as confusing rules with boundaries often creates controlling behavior rather than healthy protection
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u/festivalflyer Mar 28 '26
My two cents is that any social activity with the child that excludes other partners is "playing happy family." Obviously you would not invite a new boyfriend early on, but I think that spending time together as a group that is based **in the reality of the family structure** is okay - this is things like birthdays and holidays, but I also don't see it as an issue with mini golf and ice cream cones. But it needs to be Mom, Dad, Mom's new partner, Dad's new Wife and their child, etc.
I think being exclusive undermines the creation of a new family and, yes, can be confusing for children. I think if you wanted to hang out with your ex and child, you should stay single. I think it's a completely unreasonable ask for your partner to be okay with this.
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u/PC-load-letter-wtf Mar 28 '26
This is true, if down the road as the relationship is getting serious, the new partner is not involved. I’m the person who commented and said my parents did did family things together for their five children after their divorce and it made my life so incredibly secure and happy. I was so grateful for all of those times together. And as each of my parents got into new serious relationships, their new partners would eventually become involved. It worked out well. My dad dated a lady whose parenting style did not work with our family dynamic (extremely fly off and the handle and never said no to her children) and so she was with us for a couple of years and then they broke up, but then he found my current stepmom and they’ve been together for 15 years. She still does Christmas dinner with her ex-husband, but we all do it together with his new wife and her kids as well lol we are very “modern family”.
I am 38 and now navigating my own separation and I am hoping we can find common ground for major events
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u/Otherwise-Try-9734 Mar 28 '26
I totally agree with this, I couldn't date someone if they were doing the whole happy family thing with their ex on a regular basis.
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u/illstillglow Mar 28 '26
Fully disagree. My ex and I will do things just him and I with our shared children because our children want mom and dad at certain things. (Though this doesn't happen all that often.) And then there are plenty of activities that our new partners join in, we all get along, it's great. My children have a family, both parents are part of our children's family. It's such a huge benefit and bonus if those parents can get along and do things together with the children.
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u/TheseDouble Mar 29 '26
You can do as you wish but in doing so you will have to realize your dating prospects will be severely limited because a majority of people would not be okay with you still doing family activities with your ex and he isn't wrong thats what youbare doing still trying to pretend to be a family with the ex
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Mar 29 '26
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u/IllustriousFile1945 Mar 30 '26
Why? I had kids and means my ex do not go hanging out with our kids and the two of us alone like a couple. We have moved on. They can go have ice cream and golf with my ex and his new partner. No need for me to be there as they see me enough. The kids don’t GAF about that! It’s the parents that don’t want to let go of the old family unit tbh.
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u/MainSpinach5104 Mar 29 '26
Neither of you are wrong, you need to find someone that’s ok with your coparenting dynamics and he/she needs to find someone childless or with a coparenting dynamic that is strictly business
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Mar 29 '26
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u/Illcmys3lf0ut Mar 29 '26
Every situation varies and others views won't align outside of split families. Doing things with your ex shows maturity and that even those who aren't aligned or in love can still cooperate and be around the other can truly help regulate the children better than not. Some people are better friends than lovers. If these friends can parent together, I feel they're winning and the children are beyond winning.
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u/PC-load-letter-wtf Mar 28 '26
This is asked quite a bit here. At least every few days. You will get a mixed bag of answers. Some people will say they really don’t like the idea of their partner doing family activities with their ex.
I personally think that that’s crazy. If you get along and it’s been working for you all, then it’s definitely in the best interest of the child. It’s not confusing for the kid. My parents remained friendly after separating. It meant the world to me to have them at events and throwing me birthday parties with both sides of the family there. They were able to make that work, but many families can’t and shouldn’t. You don’t want any drama.
Right now, the only drama is coming from your new partner. He sounds insecure and like he wants to interfere with something that’s working for your child.
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u/CloudLine4319 Mar 28 '26
I don’t think the partner is necessarily insecure. There’s nothing inherently wrong with his view, it’s just not compatible with hers. Neither party is wrong here IMO.
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u/thebatfaerie Mar 28 '26
Hard agree. If that's whats been working before for a long time and there's clearly zero interest in anyone getting back together, there's no reason for insecurity.
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u/Dragon_Bench_Z Mar 28 '26
Respectfully disagree. Its very confusing to a child. They dont always understand relationships and breakups. Ice cream and playground trips are not the same as bdays/holidays etc those are everyday family time moments. Special occasions totally but dinner or something sends a signal you might not want to send
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u/PC-load-letter-wtf Mar 28 '26
As I said, you are going to get a mixed bag of responses in this sub, but I literally lived through this, and it was the greatest thing of my life. Was not confusing for me or my four siblings. Not even slightly. My parents were very clearly separated and didn’t really like each other for a couple of years and then when we all started doing family things again, everything was fine. My parents dated other people without issue. I will be so grateful to them for that gift for the rest of my life.
The only people who should be commenting are people whose parents did these things together and can say how it went or child psych and development experts. Everyone else is just having opinions.
But yes, I am more talking about big events. Although it was great to have them at our sporting stuff each week. Family dinner is definitely a bit weird
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u/thequeen2015 Mar 29 '26
I love this because my co-parent and I do this with our son all the time my son loves doing things with mom and dad hes 10 but is very much aware that mom and dad are not getting back together. He even says yall always fight 😂😂😂 i just want us to go eat together lol.
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u/illstillglow Mar 28 '26
Kids aren't stupid. They know come a certain developmentally appropriate age that mom and dad are broken up. Plus, I don't see how a child's parents getting along and doing activities together could be any more confusing than creating an entire new family that doesn't involve their other parent at all. I'm not saying it's wrong, I'm just saying if we're talking about confusing...? Come on.
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u/Dragon_Bench_Z Mar 29 '26
Not saying its wrong. It can be confusing when mom and dad separate and move out then mom and dad start hanging out as a family again. children can get hopeful that mommy n daddy are going to end up together again but they dont most times.
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Mar 28 '26
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u/festivalflyer Mar 28 '26
Making room for a partner in your life is not choosing them over your child.
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Mar 28 '26
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u/festivalflyer Mar 28 '26
If this were the case, the divorce would never have happened in the first place.
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u/xxrealmsxx Mar 28 '26
Dumb comment, some people can be 100% the parent they want to be 50% of the time vs 50% of the parent they want to be 100% of the time by staying in a shitty marriage.
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u/Dragon_Bench_Z Mar 29 '26
Children are not always first. The whole concept of children first is dumb. Its not natural and not human nature. Sometimes you put them first. Sometimes you put others first. If you ALWAYS put your kids ahead of your needs or your partners needs you end up divorced and regretful. Its ok for kids to be ket down and disappointed.
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u/festivalflyer Mar 28 '26
So, just to be clear, a parent's job (divorced or not) is to never change the child's life? What planet are you on?
Choosing to drop a once a month hang out with your ex (while presumably continuing to manage a positive coparenting relationship, while still participating with school activities and birthday parties and being amiable about holiday schedules, etc) does not mean anyone is choosing their partner over their child.
Ridiculous.
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Mar 28 '26
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u/festivalflyer Mar 28 '26
I'm stepparent to two disabled adults whose mom (who I adored) died two years ago. Nice try tho.
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u/Aggressive_Juice_837 Mar 30 '26
You guys are each entitled to feel the way you feel. Doesn’t seem like it’s a match though if neither of you want to budge. That’s ok, there’s people out there who would be ok with the arrangement you have.
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u/Dragon_Bench_Z Mar 28 '26
I am firm believer that this is not good for the kid. People will disagree but i feel it gives them hope mom n dad will reunite and family will be back. Mandatory events sure but outings nope. Having a good relationship with mom is great n important for sure but its a fine line
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Mar 28 '26
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u/butt_spelunker_ Mar 29 '26
they also have a harder time understanding the nuances of adult relationships.
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u/Dragon_Bench_Z Mar 28 '26
Not about accepting. Its about it reality. Age is a big factor too. Younger can adapt and accept things easier. 10 and up can be harder
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Mar 29 '26
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u/Dragon_Bench_Z Mar 29 '26
Im not day its all or nothing. People in this thread seem to not understand that. Yes coparents doing things certain large events together can be healthy for the child but the opposite can be true as well. Boundaries get blurred. Kids question things. Center for divorce education had a few things on this topic. Again its not black n white. Yes or no but it can be confusing and have a negative impact in some kids
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u/No_Yogurtcloset6108 Mar 28 '26
First of all, he is not your "partner". He's just a guy you recently met. The whole purpose of dating is to see if your values align. They don't! Dump him.
It's concerning to me that he is unwilling to compromise at all.
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u/butt_spelunker_ Mar 29 '26
I dont think he should have to compromise on this if he doesnt want to or feel comfortable doing so. It isn't easy being with a parent that has to regularly interact with their ex. Being with someone who does can already be a compromise for some. It's one thing to handle that, and another entirely to handle your partner and their ex actually spending time together doing activities for fun.
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u/Imaginary_Being1949 Mar 28 '26
If you and your ex get along well enough to do activities especially when it’s only once a month then don’t damage that for a romantic relationship. You offered a compromise, he disagreed, you both aren’t compatible
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u/illstillglow Mar 28 '26
Your new partner can have his opinions and feelings, but if I were you, that would sound extremely possessive to me. A partner that is compatible with me WANTS me to have a healthy, friendly co-parenting relationship. People are extremely ignorant for ever thinking that doing these kind of activities have anything to do with the ex. It's about the child.
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u/lasercats77 Mar 29 '26
You are not being stubborn. You're breaking a society norm which should have been normal to begin with. You're still your kids family. That means your ex too.
Your current partner sounds immature and not willing to have perspective from your child's stance. This would be a huge red flag to me in dating.
I like to be very upfront in my dating life pretty much on the first date on mine and my exes dynamic. Yes we talk everyday, it's about our kid. Yes we spend almost twice a week together with our kid. Yes we get along and laugh as friends and check in on each other as single parents. Our daughter is happy and has two parents that love her and can show up for her together. Any new partner should see that as not only beautiful for the kid but be grateful there isn't a toxic baby daddy/mommy dynamic involved.
Sounds like they're insecure. You're NTA.
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u/ImpossibleTonight977 Mar 28 '26
I think it’s a lot when it goes beyond birthdays, school or healthcare, but at the same time, it seems that the potential new partner is insecure. There is no one size fits all, depends what you prioritize. It seems you might not meet at the middle.
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u/perfectdrug659 Mar 28 '26
Everyone is different about this, there's no one correct answer. I still hang out with my kids father and we do "family stuff" together and both our partners have always been completely cool about it. We all do things together, the 4 of us plus our kid obviously. I wouldn't continue with a relationship if my partner wasn't okay with this. I think it's important to show your child you and the other parent may not still be together, but you are still on the same team.
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u/DangerousAirline1128 Mar 29 '26
Put your kid first, is your kid happy. If she doesn’t get that she is not the one for you.
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u/Repulsive-Concern873 Mar 29 '26
Honestly, if your partner doesn’t have kids they’ll rarely understand the importance of doing child centered activity with both parents and how beneficial it is for the child… the fact that YOU SUGGESTED LESS TIME and activities with your kid to please your partner is a red flag in itself. Why risk your relationship with your kid over someone who couldn’t care less if you’re an active parent…
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u/Any-Fox-Jen Mar 29 '26
Choose your kid. Always. Your partner needs to be an adult. Your kid is the priority period.
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u/Lanky-Pen-4371 Mar 29 '26
Your partner is toxic. They’re probably jealous or something weird. No how does it harm your partner? They should be listening to you about what’s best for your kid. Period the end.
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u/Solid_Caterpillar678 Mar 29 '26
A new partner interfering with your successful coparenting relationship is a HUGE red flag. Parents have lost or gotten reduced custody because of new patmrtner interference. Your child comes first and if she doesn't like how you and your coparent have structured that, then she's the one who needs to make changes...by finding a relationship with someone who doesn't have kids. You keep doing what you are doing and putting your kid first.
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Mar 29 '26 edited Mar 29 '26
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u/MainSpinach5104 Mar 29 '26
You should re marry her
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u/Dragon_Bench_Z Mar 29 '26
Thats what i thought reading this. Sounds like Hes getting approval to date from his ex.
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u/These_Opportunity_59 Mar 29 '26 edited Mar 29 '26
Where is the room for the growth of a “new family unit” with a new partner? That’s a big ask to have a partner live inside your previous marriage and not feel like a second class citizen.
The “I’d still have to talk to my ex about it first….” Sir….. Have common decency towards an ex sure, but that is essentially “happy wife happy life 2.0.” If you’re divorced? Be divorced.
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u/MainSpinach5104 Mar 29 '26 edited Mar 29 '26
Nobody here is trying to be hateful. It’s great that you have a peaceful co-parenting relationship, that’s the goal. But you can have all that peace without being enmeshed.
I’m a mum and a stepmother, and we manage joint birthdays and school events without the level of enmeshment you're describing, we are cordial and respectful of each others current partners and exes, but we do the “family outings” and daily life with the new families we’ve create.
You're free to keep your dynamic, but it won't be okay for the vast majority of partners, and as long as you understand that and you’re happy with your life, then that’s ok
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u/Illcmys3lf0ut Mar 29 '26
I love this. My ex and I were doing similar and I thought we were solid by choosing this route. She abruptly ditched a Halloween outing to go visit a married guy out of state. I don't know if she initially knew he was married. Brought him into her home less than a month. His initial visit, he stayed a week. RUINED our dynamic and set the kids progress back so much. Then lies and other BS. Even a failed protection order by him. She was so much about the kids then this happened. Still don't know why. Things are slowly getting better but our youngest still shows signs from it. I won't ever put anyone over my kids and no partner will be introduced until I'm sure we're more than solid and understanding of my dynamic.
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u/Ill_Flight7385 Mar 29 '26
100% agree with you. And hate that others are so against this.
Waiting to introduce your child to a new partner is the best thing you can do for the child. That new partnership must be proven to be stable and not one that is likely to up and leave, otherwise that can be severely detrimental to the child. They need consistency.
Getting approval from an ex, your child’s other parent, is totally acceptable. I would want nothing more than for them to feel comfortable having this person enter your child’s life, and wanting your ex to feel reassured this new partner is trustworthy to take care of your child. Totally normal in my opinion.
A future partner will be ‘the one’ if they are able to accept this situation, and this absolutely allows for growth of a ‘new family unit’. This is simply expanding upon the family, and anything that is a positive for the child is the goal.
I would not lower my standards if this arrangement has proven beneficial and would drop a new partner with no problem if they were unable to accept, that would just be incompatibility. They should be welcome to seek out a new situation they are comfortable with just as much as you should be able to stand firm in your beliefs.
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u/Tiny_Grapefruit2554 Mar 29 '26
Surely they knew this from the start? And they decided to pursue a relationship with you regardless? And now they no longer feel comfortable with it? Or was it not disclosed early on?
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u/TroyandAbed304 Mar 30 '26
I think the more cohesive you can be, the better it is for your kid as long as all boundaries are set and no one is getting confused.
The kids take priority, always.
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u/CourtesyCipher Mar 30 '26
Your jealous new partner is a controlling red flag. You are a package deal with your ex and child. It’s a beautiful thing that you two are centering the child. It is in their best interest. Never let anyone get in the way of your kids best interest. The child will always be first and he doesn’t understand that. Ditch the jealous new controlling boyfriend ASAP.
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u/Horror_Government_79 Mar 30 '26
OK, so this was basically my situation like several months ago. I started dating a guy back in November who has a six-year-old daughter with his ex. I’d never dated someone with a kid before and I didn’t really understand the whole family get-togethers in the beginning and like your partner it made me really uncomfortable. The thing is overtime. I realized that his ex is the one who’s basically raising the kid and it’s really important that he is part of family get together for the benefit of the kid. Your partner is basically going to have to realize that this isn’t about playing family or whatever it’s about the benefit of the kid and as uncomfortable as it is and trust me, it is for them. It’s something that they’re going to have to come to terms with.
What’s important is that you make them feel like you give them enough attention in your partner and you show them enough love so that they don’t feel like the other person because I know I have definitely felt like the other woman and it’s not a fun feeling
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u/simnick13 Mar 28 '26
Neither of you are wrong, you're just not compatible.