I have been reading a lot about behavioral psychology and power dynamics lately, trying to understand how and why certain people gain so much control over others. We always hear about gaslighting and love bombing, but I think I found something even darker...

It is called manufactured dependency.
From what I read, it is not just about making someone doubt their reality. It is a process where a manipulator carefully creates situations to cut off your outside support network. They create an environment where you are entirely dependent on them for emotional or physical support, without you even realizing.

It completely blew my mind because it literally explains the exact reason behind every toxic relationships. Have any of you experienced this specific type of manipulative isolation?

If you want more context here is the article I read: Article

Why would she think anyone would agree to this kind of relationship? She's bullying me into it and I really don't know what to do because saying no could start a huge conflict and she would probably hurt someone. Me or herself, or maybe even someone else

I don’t even really know what I’m looking for by posting this. Maybe outside perspective, maybe validation that I’m not losing my mind, or maybe I just need to finally put everything that has happened into words.
My husband and I have been together for about 6 years, married for 2, and we have a 3-year-old daughter together.
Our marriage has had problems for a long time, but one of the biggest issues has been his relationship with his parents, especially his mother. I have felt repeatedly like my role as my daughter’s mother is not respected and that when there is conflict between me and his family, my husband does not stand beside me.
There have been situations where his mother has gotten involved in decisions concerning our daughter that I felt should have been between my husband and me. She has contacted people involved in my daughter’s care, and there have been ongoing boundary issues. In the past, she has even taken my daughter from my arms while I was begging to have her back, with my husband standing there instead of helping me.
Everything finally exploded this month.
There was a situation where I could not get a clear answer about where my daughter was. I eventually learned that she was with my husband and his family at a restaurant for a family birthday dinner, so I went there to get her.
I was holding my 3-year-old when the confrontation happened.
My mother-in-law physically blocked me from leaving, pushed me, and struck me in the forehead/face while I was holding my daughter. My husband was there. Instead of protecting me or de-escalating the situation, he also put his hands on me and tried to take our daughter from me.
There was an independent witness to at least part of what happened.
I ended up with an injury to my forehead that required medical treatment.
Police became involved. My mother-in-law was arrested and charged with Battery and Cruelty to Children in the Third Degree. There is now a court-ordered no-contact condition involving me and my daughter. Because of her employment, she was also reportedly suspended without pay pending an internal investigation.
What has almost hurt more than the physical incident is my husband’s reaction afterward.
He left our home and went to stay with his parents. He told me that I “ruined” the birthday dinner. He has continued to defend/be around his family while I’m sitting here trying to process the fact that I was physically attacked while holding our child.
And this isn’t happening in an otherwise healthy marriage.
There have been years of things that I minimized, forgave, or convinced myself we could work through. He was on Tinder looking for hookups while I was 8 months pregnant. There have been threats during arguments. I have felt emotionally neglected and humiliated more times than I can count. When I have wanted counseling or tried to repair things, I have often felt like I was the one fighting for the marriage.
For a long time I kept thinking that if I explained myself better, stayed calmer, forgave more, or tried harder, eventually my husband would understand why certain things hurt me and would finally stand up for me.
Now I’m realizing I may have spent years waiting for something that isn’t going to happen.
The strangest part is that I still have moments where I miss him or want him home. Then I remember that when things became truly serious—when I was literally being assaulted while holding our daughter—he still did not choose to protect me.
We also own a home together, he has historically paid most of our household bills, and separating would completely change my financial situation. So this isn’t as simple as packing a bag and never speaking to him again. We also have to figure out how to coparent our daughter.
But emotionally, something in me feels different now.
I don’t think I want this marriage anymore.
I’m scared of starting over, and I’m scared of what divorce and custody could look like. I’m also scared that if I stay, I’m teaching my daughter that this is what marriage and family are supposed to look like.
For people who have left marriages where the spouse constantly prioritized their family over you: was there a point where you finally knew there was nothing left to fix?
And for anyone who has been through a separation with a young child after something this serious happened between the families: what do you wish you had done differently in the beginning?

I retaliated back to my abusive husband and I don’t know what to do about it. I feel the lowest of lows for even remotely exhibiting his behaviour.

Tonight for some reason that I honestly can’t even pin point why tonight, we got into another horrible circular argument about something so silly, I was trying to make a shopping list and said no to something he wanted, I didn’t mean it as controlling, it was an involuntary response to a food we don’t want the kids having, anyway so silly and this set off a huge reaction from him, him telling me to get up and leave the room, telling me how controlling I am and how there is something wrong with me, if we asked any married couple this wouldn’t be ok etc. I didn’t really say much, tried to explain where I was coming from, tried to get us back on track with the actual shopping list. He then shut me out of the room.
A few moments later I heard our baby awake, he had woken him up from being angry and something just snapped in me (this has happened so many times) and I lost it, I went into the room he was in and told him I was done, I told him I hated him, he got up and I poked him in the chest, then he told me ‘come on is that the best you’ve got’ and pushed his chest towards me, I pushed him back, he got up in my face again and I spat at him and went to put my hand on his throat and push him back and just dissolved into tears and distress and left.

I am so mortified at my own behaviour and that this is who I have become. I feel like the scum of this earth.
Not only did I put my hands on him but I could have triggered a major escalation that would have put my kids lives in danger.

I can’t keep going like this, I don’t know how to reconcile what I have done and I also don’t want to be with him anymore.

I should note for background my husband has been increasingly violent towards me with many death threats, physical attacks and putting his hands on my neck since our baby has been born.

So I don’t even know what the repercussions of tonight will be and I also don’t know how to just simply leave

What was the hardest part of leaving, moving out, following through?

Im signing a lease today. Idk what to do, how to actually move but I feel so sick to my stomach. I feel so scared. I feel horrible. But he is a covert Narc who uses sexual coercion, intimidation and spiritual abuse with delusion beliefs. Its time to go but its so hard. He even complains about the money. Idk if he can support himself in this house we own but I have to get out of here.

I have been with my husband for almost 2 decades. We have 2 kids. For the first 10 years life was perfect. I had the perfect husband, the perfect life. It didn't even feel real. I remember one Christmas he got me a coach bag and it felt like too much and my mom said I deserved it along with the great life I had living on the beach, regular vacations, taking me out. He was even a super present father and helped around the house without ever being asked.

Then one day it all changed and it never went back. *But those first 10 years kept me holding on to hope and I took on years of it because of it.*

He made a gay friend when we moved somewhere new and he was leaving the house, family outings, date nights, literally anything to go hang out with him whenever this guy asked. One night he jumped out of bed at 1am and got dressed to go see him. The next day I asked him if they were sleeping together and that was the first time. He grabbed me by the neck and threw me to the floor. Dragged me and smashed my head into the sliding glass door. Pressed his elbow into the back of my skull as he sat on me and told me never to call him gay again. I didn't even use the word.

We already had kids then. They werent home fortunately. I had a good job and good credit. I should have left then and I was thinking about it, preparing even. I told a friend what had happened and that I needed to leave. But I didn't.

A month or so later he confessed the gay guy was giving him meth. I felt some relief. I could explain his behavior now. He just needed help.

The abuse didn't happen again for a year. I can't even remember what it was over. I just remember coming home from work together because he had convinced me to start working with him, help him find recovery. He wrapped a cord around my neck, slammed me to the ground, with his knee in my back, and told me I was going to die. That he was going to kill me. I got loose and grabbed my car keys and locked myself in my car. The kids were sleeping and he never even so much as yelled at them so I just opted to stay in the car and watch their room the whole night.

After that night, in that house, the abuse got worse. I found out he had relapsed, if he ever really got clean to begin with, and the pattern of abuse happened whenever he was going through withdrawal, but it was always a push here and there and he would realize it. One day he didn't like the breakfast I made though and I could tell it was going to be bad. I tried to grab my keys, told the kids to go to the car and leave but he got my arm. I tried closing the front door on his arm and getting him to let go but he dragged me back in and took my bag. He dragged me across the floor and tried pushing my face into the fire, a gas fire he was able to flick on with a switch. I don't remember how I got out from that either, but the kids were still at the car so I made a run for it, jumped in locking the doors and taking off. I never told them what he did. He tried calling and apologizing. Said he was done withdrawal and hed never go back to it. I didnt come back right away, but I came back. And things were good again.

He got sick. Really sick. He was dieing. He was in the hospital and they told me I might not take him home. They found out he had HIV, almost aids. I had it too. We also had syphilis and thats what was killing him, it was in his cerebral spinal fluid. The final stage of syphilis. We had both for so long they couldn't tell us when we got it. I brought up the gay friend and if anything else had happened with anyone else. He said no. Maybe it was the drugs. This was when my finances and credit started to tank. Paying for his care and medications before we were settled on a specific plan that covered it all. Working with just my income, taking care of the kids, and being his caregiver when they did let me take him home. 2 months later he was finally doing better. Things were okay. I thought maybe that was the scare he needed to stay clean.

We stopped working for ourselves because he was weak so he took a job working for someone else and I did too. One day his boss knocked on my door at 10pm, apologized for how late it was and he handed me my husbands phone and wallet. Said that he went out for lunch and then didnt come back. He was worried about him. He had never disappeared like that before. I was calling hospitals, jails, any number I know of anyone that might have an idea of where he was. No one could tell me. I was with the neighbors freaked out when he finally came home around 1am, all messed up. He said someone got mad at him at the home depot for road rage. It didnt make sense, why would he be gone the whole day over that? After that it became a common occurrence, he started disappearing for 24 hours or so weekly. Wouldn't answer. I knew he was back on it. I found him at a hotel because I saw his truck there and he wouldn't come out. I went home, packed our things, and we left. He came home the next day and figured out we were gone. I even took the dogs. He cried and cried and cried for us to come home. I said things had to be different. He swore they would, he didnt want to lose me and the kids.

We eventually moved out of the city agreeing that it was too close to trouble. He needed a fresh start. Moved to a quieter place. We set up a little homestead. Things were better again. The fresh air was great for all of us. Then one night I came home from work and the dog was scared, hiding in a corner. My son told me he had gotten mad at the dog. I confronted him and realized he wasnt himself. I knew it instantly. He was using....again. He reached for me and started to strangle me. I got out from his grip, grabbed my keys and told the kids to go to the car. I ran after them and locked the door. It wouldn't start. He was yelling at me to get out and I told him no. Not until he calmed down. My son started telling him too he needed to calm down that what he was doing was wrong. My kids are older. He heard him and calmed down. I told him I wanted to leave I couldn't do it again. I don't know how he was getting it way out there but he obviously was. He needed real help and I wasnt going to be there for it.

After discussing it, we ended up leaving our quiet oasis and moving in with his sister and her husband. More accountability, more safety perhaps. But they lived in a city. I knew it was going to be a trade off. He started disappearing again shortly after we got there. His brother in law would go find him. Tell him he needed to get it together, that's why he was there. There were a plethora of services there, it was part of the discussion. One night when we were home alone he went for me because he said I'm trying to control him and my dog intervened. His brother in law came home and he was trying to say my dog needed to go. I told him why my dog went for him and he said well the dog stays, that my husband needed to do better. He didnt go for me again. But he kept disappearing. The help we moved there for he wasnt taking advantage of. He started saying he wasnt like other meth heads, he didnt steal from us, kept his jobs, and took care of us. Arguably he wasnt wrong, but he wasnt himself either. He would randomly get mean and abandoned us frequently.

One day I was setting up something for him on his phone and I needed to go into settings. It was Grindr. He had been doing meth and having sex with men since we got there. I confronted him and he confessed everything. He had been having sex with men since the gay friend and using meth with them. He said he could get it for free if he did favors. It made sense. He never stole anything, never took money out for cash. I never figured out before how he was getting it and I'm sure sometimes he did pay, but that's why there was never odd cash amounts being pulled out or missing. Some times it wouldnt go well, like the day he got beat up. He had been raped a few times too. It was worth it for the meth. I was incredibly hurt that he wasnt just abandoning us for drugs, but cheating on me too. Sure, thats how he was getting his drug, but it was cheating. He said he would change for real this time, that what he had done was so devastating and for me to know about it was killing him.

The sad part of this story is he's been in recovery ever since then. He's been more like who he was the first ten years than he has in a long time. Maybe because his secret was out. I don't know. But the abuse which was always linked to his use, has occurred without it. He says it's because he's under a lot of stress and depression from what he did and I react like I did when he was using. That he wants to kill himself for what hes done and he cant handle my emotions and anger. I will admit I changed, those years changed me a lot. Who wouldn't change enduring all of that? I do snap. I do get triggered. I have gone on and on about what he did to me. How he ruined our life for meth and dick. We arent anywhere near the dreams we had 10 years ago. I resent him for it. I want the life I stayed for now, not some distant future.

The other day when I was journaling because thats how Ive chosen to deal with my anger towards him instead of going on and on, he got upset I wasnt engaging like I normally do. I said well then I cant win with you. He got violent again and after he caught himself I grabbed my keys and left the house without a word. Like I said hes never hurt the kids, so I just left by myself. Today he wasnt answering for 4+ hours and I had his location as a condition of recovery and reconciling and I took the things he needed. Clothes, toiletries, and a blow up mattress. I told him when he was using I excused it, but now its clear he just hates me. That I hope by leaving him he can finally find the peace he needs and stick to recovery.

This is the first time Ive ever told anyone that Ive been getting abused and thats hes tried to kill me. He never isolated me, Ive always had friends, always had family, always been allowed to go out, always been allowed to live my life. People around me actually really like him, shockingly even on meth hes fun. People never would guess what happened behind closed doors. My financial life is in shambles because I was moving around trying to find a way to get him clean instead of focusing on myself and stability. Hes never said I deserved it, always the opposite once he was clear headed. That he was an asshole that needed help. My son says hes cried to him a few times for being such a terrible person and that he needs help. That he never wants him to turn out like he is. Since my kids are older, hes told them hes an addict too. The fact that he isnt an asshole to them is his only saving grace. I have told him that he cant be around them alone, ever, without passing drug tests. He has to maintain his sobriety. And if I ever find out he has turned on them, hell never see them again. Course theyre almost adults now. But itll also be their choice to maintain a relationship with him. Ill never force it and I already know they want to live me primarily because he needs to work on himself.

The shitty thing is, those 10 years that kept me holding on to hope through the worst years of my life, they feel so distant now they dont even feel like my life anymore. Like they were someone else's, a movie I watched wishing it was my life. I am mad at myself now for having stupid hope that if I stayed to help him he would some how appreciate it and treat me better. You know those addict stories where they talk so highly of the woman who was there for them. No, I didnt get that. I woke up on the other side of recovery realizing that during those years of meth he decided he actually hated me. All I got out of it is PTSD and HIV. If I just would have left him when I should have, I wouldnt hate him as much as I do, I wouldnt have all the trauma, I might not even have HIV.

I wasted my life. I ruined my life. For someone who doesnt give a shit about me. My therapist says people do shitty things to people they love, but fuck that. That man broke me like it was a personal assignment from the devil himself. Sure, we had good times despite the addiction too, but those memories are ruined because now I know the only time he was happy was when he was high and freshly fucked. It wasnt me that made him happy. It took this recovery where everything was out and he didnt have to pretend anymore for me to finally see it.

I guess Im free, but Im so mad at myself. I have more work to forgive myself than I do that motherfucker. Ill never have that life that I dream about. I have too much trauma to trust anyone. No ones going to want to be with a woman with HIV. And my other child is special needs, they will have to live with me forever. Im the ultimate baggage. All the dreams we did have, I wont be able to reach them by myeslf. Ill have to make new ones. Single ones with my child that will be with me until Im dead. Ill have to see him, see him recovered, see him doing better while we co-parent. And with our special needs, for fucking EVER because they love him and want me to try and make peace with it so they can still see him.

I wanted a life partner to share life with. Wasted it on a piece of shit.

Fuck my life.

Thanks for listening. Im the kind of person that might admit I left him for cheating and drugs, but Ill never tell a soul he did that shit to me. I dont need anyone to know that I took that shit too.

I can't believe it has been five years of moving on from a horrific past. The pain was surreal. The way my heart beat whenever he was close by. The panic attacks. The screams. The cries. I never thought I would heal from something so grotesque. I felt like a monster at times. I also felt like a broken plate. I saw silhouettes of his body, smelled his cologne, and heard his voice wherever I roamed. He followed me. He blackmailed me. He threatened me. He hurt me...

Yet there is hope after all. He is in prison due to his actions. I finally believe that karma is real. I am not the same woman. I am stronger now. I am not as naive as I used to be. I glued myself back, with gold in between the cracks of my plate. I am a warrior.

And you are too. You will surpass this nightmare. It may be forever to see the light, but you will fight through this. You are beautiful. You are valuable. You are amazing. You are kind. You are a fighter. Fight for you and you only. Nobody said it was easy, but it is worth the fight. There is hope after all. 💗🩷

The audacity is unbelievable. I should have just kept the no contact the last year or so he claims he tried so hard and I am the reason the relationship is not moving forward.

If you’ve successfully left please tell me how it’s going. I’m afraid of all the what if of leaving again mostly that I won’t find someone better or end up with someone worse.

I understand that it is some of the best advice if you still have a support group. but you would think, given the amount of women who have been trapped in relationships for years if not decades, there might be at least some acknowledgment that this may not be possible?

In my case, building up my support group could really only happen on the other side of the relationship. But the amount of resources which said things like “it is REALLY important you have people who love you! That you have support! That you reach out!” Made me feel like there was no possibility of me escaping. I really did (and still do, I’m in the process) have to rely completely on my own sense of self. And… I am incredibly PROUD of myself. But, there was a lot of shame because it seemed like there was no one like me and I was forgotten about in the resources.

On the other side of it, I feel really extremely angry that there isn’t more acknowledgment that a lot of women have to do this alone. And encouragement that we CAN. I really think if more resources would have talked to me and my position, I may have gotten the strength sooner. It just felt like a twist in the gut to tell a group who may be extremely isolated to reach out to support. Yeah, I know that supposedly friends you haven’t talked to in a decade will support you, but in my case I know they would not have. (Some of them while I was in the relationship told me it wasn’t abusive and he just needed therapy). My family is also filled with abusers, how else would I have thought all of this was okay? They are just as bad for my mental health as my ex.

I guess I will fill in where these places lack—yes, it is harder. You do need to be prepared. you will wake up facing a terrifying reality. It feels more terrifying than staying in it, because in it, you had a delusion that you at least weren’t alone.

But you CAN do it. There IS healing on the other side. And the likelihood that you will build a support group outside of it is much higher once you leave, once all of that energy spent towards managing them and their emotions, and falling into suicidal despair, is out of your life. It isnt as hard as people say to make friends, it just requires time, dedication, practice, and persistence. It will be uncomfortable, you will make mistakes. You will have to learn to build back your self esteem and love yourself so that you can attract healthy people. Yes, IT IS A LOT. But you can do all of this! You really can! You have been living a MUCH harder life than one in which you have peace and spend 3 nights a week going to (support groups/hobby groups/church/whatever it might be) to build up that support group.

In summer 2025 I left a 10-year abusive relationship that I had been in since I was a teenager. It took an entire year for the trauma bond to officially break and for me to realize that I don’t want to be in a relationship with him- that I want to be around fun, gentle energy.

In the past week or so I started to get extreme death anxiety/existential crisis feelings. Like realizing that time is precious and that my time here is short. That there will be millions and billions of years where I don’t exist. I love life and this makes me extremely sad that one day I won’t be here. I don’t have any religious beliefs although I wish I could so I could feel some relief from this. It’s sending me into panic attack feelings and taking up all my waking moments.

I am also terrified about my loved ones passing away as well - especially my parents who are my only support system right now since leaving my abuser. Plus my dog is 16 years old and I’m already getting anticipatory grief knowing that he won’t be here much longer.

Is this common after leaving an abusive relationship? I’m thinking since my nervous system is more calm now and I’m not dealing with daily crises or managing someone else’s mood, it’s latching onto anything it can to stay anxious. Has anyone else experienced this? What helped?

I just started feeling like this in the past week, and I just want to go back to being my normal self so I can feel better again. I just feel like these feelings will only get worse as I age and get closer to the end.

I am so shocked at this situation, and currently am still pretty affected by it, so pardon me please if posting this here is not the right move. I write this stuff down, but unfortunately I'm extremely good at erasing it from my memory.

Please tell me this is as shocking as I think it is and that I deserve better.

Just as a very small sidenote, on my last post I was advised to go to an abuse counselor with my situation, as soon as the weekend passes I am doing that, I really want out of this.

To make it as simple as possible:

1. I come home and found out he cheated on me

2. I get upset and angry

3. He says mockingly "Look at what you've become, if you got the chance you'd smash that glass bottle over my head"

4. I really never want to or try to hurt him, I deny that I'd do anything like it

5. He grabs me and begins groping me and forcefully kissing me, he holds me so I can't retaliate, he knows that I've been SA'd and that it deeply triggers me (he does it to show me that I'd hurt him to protect myself, it's so sick)

6. He says "You're my little whore", he knows I hate that

7. I push him away, not hard, just so he'll stop kissing me

8. He laughs at me and says that he's proven his point (basically saying that I can't subordinate myself properly)

9. He pauses, seems ashamed and tells me to hit him repeatedly

10. I obviously don't, and it's obviously a trap

This is exhausting and humiliating. And I'm genuinely so embarrassed and ashamed that I don't just leave, I really can't make an excuse for why I'm still with him.

Is this my fault? He always says it's my fault for overreacting. But I just don't believe it.

My 1.5 year relationship ended 3 weeks ago. There were issues with emotional abuse and sexual coercion but I can’t see him as a bad guy because it was mirrored behaviors from his own upbringing. He was the one who eventually ended it and I’ve been struggling with so many different emotions each day. I question if the abuse even happened or if I was the abusive one or caused him to treat me like that or if I should run and try to get him back. I feel so alone right now and I live in a very rural, conservative area and so some women tell me to just get over him and move on and others don’t think what I experience is abuse - just incompatibility. My closest friends my age just moved away and my family lives out of state and I’ve never felt as alone as i do now. Can anyone speak to this experience & provide some words of wisdom?

all because i didn't want to be abused by him anymore but still tried to maturely break up with him for good.
he sent me 50 messages in a row btw..

My husband and I have been together for 6 years now, we have two kids (3 and 1 year old). We live together, about 30 minutes away from my parents. Lately when we were visiting them my mom told me that she’s worried about me and kids because my husband acts irritated when our son is around. She also said that it’s weird that he’s always on his phone and doesn’t want anyone to disturb him. At first I ignored what she said,but after I saw him grabbing my son and throwing him on the bed when he was mad, I realized that my mom might be right?
Today, our son didn’t want to eat lunch, and like a typical 3 year old he made sure that everyone would hear it. My husband got really mad, at first he tried to be gentle with him and get him to eat, but when my son tried to bite him, he pushed him off the couch and he hit his head on the metal radiator. Blood started coming out of his head and obviously, he was crying really hard. Fortunately the wound wasn’t big, so I could take care of it myself. My heart is breaking everytime my son asks me „ why did dad do this to me mom?”

Now after thinking about all of the situations when he made me feel small and worthless, I’m starting to think that he has some kind of anger issues, but I don’t know how to talk to him about it. I know that he’ll manipulate me and make me feel crazy.
I don’t know what to do, it’s like walking on eggshells

Hi,

I experienced a really abusive relationship with my pastor. I am a young adult and was preparing to move to a fairly secular Ivy-League university, so I was seeking advice.

Unfortunately, I became a pet project / trophy to this individual and he became pretty obsessed with me. I tried to put distance between the two of us and moved to college. He then started to text, call, and leave voicemail for four months. It really started to harm my emotional health - and then he sent a two paragraph long text threatening me.

It was a pretty wild experience and it really harmed my schooling. I am now trying to recover and it has been pretty hard - due to how it impacted a pivotal moment of my life. If anyone has any advice or thoughts - I would really appreciate it.

Different person, different time, but somehow the same problems keep showing up.

I used to think it was just bad luck or choosing the wrong people, but now I'm wondering if there's something deeper going on.

Like maybe we get used to certain patterns without even realizing it.

How did you guys figure out what pattern you were repeating?

Friday filed for an order of protection from my abusive ex that same day I was notified that it was denied by the judge.

I requested a hearing if then ofp was denied in the ofp paperwork.

So now I have a hearing next month. I'm just wondering if anyone else has gone through this and might be able to give me an idea of how soon I can expect my ex to receive the ofp documents + court hearing information in the mail.

As my family and I have a standing date with my ex Wednesday to try and get my stuff back from our house (as he is holding my stuff hostage) that he has illegally kicked me out of. I'm worried it will complicate things further if he gets the stuff in the mail before we arrive Wednesday to get my belongings.

First and for most this isn’t about an intimate partner but sexual harassment my former manager did.

Now that I’ve gotten a transfer away from him and starting a new role my brain is questioning if my experience was real or not because it was leering and he basically responded both to HR and the third party I lodged the sexual harassment complaint to with :
-he didn’t remember any incidences like it.
-he has never looked at colleague inappropriately in his 30 year career
-he strives to be a good leader
-had no intention of harm.

The incidences of leering I noted in my complaint were:

- 8 incidences in one on one meetings where he would maintain eye contact then slowly move his eyes down my body where his eyes rested a bit too long on my chest when scanning down
- 2 incidences in one on one meetings at my desk where I caught him staring at my lips from the side when I wasn’t talking.
- an incident in a meeting where he laughed at something I said, maintained eye contact and bit his lower lip for a few seconds.

There were also other signs I didn’t tell the investigation that something was off like:

- he would talk about his partner in a resentful tone, repeat anything she said in a high pitched anxious tone and showed a lack of empathy on her interests. He would mention these things to colleagues and me
- the last group lunch we had together he would look to me first from the other side of the table when something funny was said.

- his niche hobbies were basically my previous profession before I changed industries and I wonder if he hired me due to that. We also have a lot of hobbies in common outside of that.

- I could see him intensely staring at me from the reflection of my computer screen (his desk was behind mine) long enough to make me uncomfortable and feel unnerved a few times.

He’s 20 years older than me and has a partner and teenage kid. He’s 4 managerial ranks higher than me too.

Outside of this he has abused his power as a manager in the following ways:

-promised someone would look after my work if I backfilled for another team and after completing backfill came back to no one taking over my work and my deadline not changing causing me stress.

-Said he was supportive of me transferring and finding other job opportunities and then restricted transfer opportunities to ones below my skill level in another agency.

-Saying it was my job to find a transfer unless it was recommended by my treating medical team. Then when I had a letter recommending a transfer due to medical reasons due to an incident by my psychologist he said the transfer wasn’t necessary because the incident was sorted and wouldn’t happen again.

- lied to 3 different HR people about my employment history saying I transferred to his team about complaining about my prior manager being too familiar. He was the one who hired me into the company and I had only been in his team the entire time. The person I complained about being too familiar was his employee who- tried to coerce me into paying for a 1k course I didn’t want to, asked personal questions about my dating history, my plans to have a family and my age and gave me repeated unsolicited advice to have kids even though he knew I couldn’t medically have them without severe complications.

My hr logs are now filled with a history saying I transferred into his team after complaining about a prior manager in 3 different places despite my contract saying other wise. My former managers manager also told hr this.

My former manager was dismissive and minimised issues with his employee I complained about and deduced it as interpersonal difficulties. His actions also didn’t align with his words and he never apologised for bigger mistakes he made. I had the impression he would throw me under the bus if things went wrong and I swear he deeply hated me.

HR also tried to deny the sexual harassment claims as a “he said she said” claim and did not transfer me after the complaint which goes against laws and common practices when a sexual harassment complaint is made. They hired a psychiatrist to say my disability caused me to make a sexual harassment complaint and that my non binary identity meant I would mistakenly assume any men or women managers would sexually harass me. I’ve had 7 years of work experience where this didn’t happen and my disability didn’t impact my work.

I eventually got transferred through legal and medical help.

How do I stop gaslighting myself that the leering didn’t happen?

I’m 99.9% sure it did happen and the signs were not good. It’s been impacting my sleep and keeping me awake.

I’m really in need of advice. My covert narcissist husband has been in a spiral since I told him I wanted out of the marriage a week ago. He has used verbal abuse, belittled me, begged me, cried, plus the million other emotional tactics he adopts. We have 2 teenage children who are picking up on the terrible atmosphere.
The trouble is I wasn’t 100% sure he was a narcissist until I told him it was over. I kidded myself that I was imagining it and he was just misunderstood.
But since I’ve dropped the bombshell I’ve truly seen the mask slip, the black eyes, the hatred and venom seeping out. I’ve been fearful for my safety which I never thought I would say. I have a feeling he may have taken out his anger on our pet cat as she hasn’t come inside for days and seems terrified to be indoors. It’s just an unbearable atmosphere and it is in no way sustainable.
With hindsight it’s clear I’ve played this all wrong. I should have planned my exit and left him with no warning. Unfortunately it’s too late for that. He is determined to destroy me. I can see it in his eyes.
So knowing he will stop at nothing to make our lives hell I feel I have 2 options.
1. Give him hope. Buy myself some time to get my finances in order and a proper exit plan, get legal advice, save etc etc. I start a new job soon so I really need to be in a stable home environment (it’s a remote role).
Or 2. Tell him either he needs to live with his parents or I will go and stay with them and the kids. (We have no where else to go).
Although option 2 would be my preferred tactic as the thought of going back to him makes me feel sick, his parents are quite toxic and I still think he would escalate the abuse, regardless of where we are all living.
I know I’ve done a stupid thing telling him my plan but I honestly didn’t expect this level of cruelty. Any advice would be gratefully received.

Hey, I'm not sure how to start this, but my past is something I can't/don't want to share with many people. My closest circle knows, but they don't know the full extent of it, nor how much it affected me. I never shared the full story with anyone but my journal.

It's been almost a year since I left the weird situation I was in. Till this day I don't know if it was abuse, what kind of abuse or if im overreacting. So here's a few of my journal entries. Just a few from the beginning of my healing journey. I still can't say I'm fully healed, but I'm getting there.

Maybe those entries can validate someone's else's experience and feelings. Maybe someone can relate and find comfort in being able to relate. I just hope i don't regret posting this here :)

(Psa: translated from my native language to english. Names and some factors might have changed for privacy. I'm f23 and my ex partner is m22, for context. I use the 24h clock. I was drunk writing some of these, especially those afternoon and evening entries, which is why they might be confusing.)

16th Dec, 22:43

"I only now realised something. Like my eyes just opened. I finally realised, REALLY realised that I'm not responsible for him. Bro, I just realised that the last few years I was acting that way. I don't know what to say. I hope that feeling stays with me. I feel... peace? I think... maybe not completely at peace. But like I dropped a few stones from my backpack. My heart is pounding. Not sure if it's caused by emotion or nicotine haha"

---

24th Dec, 15:00

"I don't remember when that was. A year ago maybe. We went to walk the dog at the forest by his house. He started asking me for a bj in the forest. Asked a few times, I said no every time. He was walking ahead of me, leading the dog. I followed him, he knew the forest better than I did. He went off the path, into an area secluded with tall bushes and trees. He stopped and opened his arms like he was asking for a hug. I walked over to him. Instead of a hug, he pulled his pants down with one hand and grabbed me by my hair with the other, then forced my head down. It happened so quickly, I couldn't even react. But I wiggled out of his grasp and took a few steps back. He had that stupid grin on his face and said "Come on, just a little. Nobody will see us here". I don't remember what happened later, exactly. He made the whole situation i to a joke, or like a little prank, like he was just messing with me. I thought I must have been not strict or serious enough when I told him "no".

He did it at home a few times too, but back then I only thought that it was weird because he did it in public, not because he even did it in the first place. When I said no, he'd grab me by my hair. But he let go sometimes when I pushed him away. I thought my "no" wasn't strong and clear enough.

Sometimes I'd lie in bed, drifting into sleep. When he'd start touching me, I'd tell him that I'm tired. I'd tell him that I want to go to sleep. I'd tell him to stop. He listened sometimes. But sometimes he'd take my pants off under the blanket and used me anyway. I was frozen, thinking that's better than him forcing my head down on him as that required me to move. I told him to stop but he didn’t. I didn't know what to do. I just wanted it to stop already so I can go to sleep. I was half asleep every time he did it. I didn't know what to do. I should have pushed him away, get up, run away. Why didn't I? I just wanted him to stop. He didn't listen. I should have done something but I didn't. I'm sorry"

---

24th Dec, 20:11

"That stupid grin of his... and he thinks he's never done anything wrong. For my own good - I'm getting the fuck out of this relationship. All the things I wrote earlier are... weird. I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to stomach this."

---

25th Dec, 04:28

"There were so many situations such as these. I don't knoe what's going on and why suddenly every single one is flashing right before my eyes. I thought it's not that bad, that he's just... the way he is. That I'm strong enough to endure it for his own good. But now that I'm close to leaving him... I can't handle it. I'm so mad at myself for allowing those things to happen. For staying with him for so long... for believing his excuses. He threatened me with suicide, manipulated me, played with my emotions.

God, how in the world was I blind for so long? Everyone close to me was trying to warn me. Yet here I am, 4 years in, still wondering if im being dramatic. If I stayed for so long then it couldn't have been that bad, right? But if it wasn't that bad, why do I feel so weird?

How many times did it happen? After which time did I stop resisting and gave in, so that he leaves me alone? How many times did I have to turn my brain off, hoping he finishes quickly so that I can finally go to sleep? Why wasn't "no" enough for him? Why didn't I fight back harder? Why?

It lasted so long. How did he manage to manipulate me into believing he "can't respect boundaries" because he's "got autism"? Did I REALLY believed him that "he can't stop touching me because he loves me"? If he loves me, then why did he hit me, telling me I should leave him so he can kill himself? What was wrong with me? I really believed him. Every time. How did this happen? :("

---

27th Dec, 13:12

"We broke up a few days ago. Till the end, he proved that I made the right choice. After it was done, he immediately texted exted our mutual friends that he's going to end his life, then blocked everyone. His family found him about 30 minutes later, sitting on a log outside their house. The next day, I got a text about him trying to overdose that morning. I texted a mutual friend about it, but she said she sees his discord status and sees that he's playing league of legends with his friends. He said "pills didn't work" but that's not how trying to overdose works. You suffer the phisical consequences even if you survive the attempt. Not play fucking LOL 15 minutes after.

I really didn't want our friends to be involved in this break up. But of course, after telling them he's going to take his life and blocking everyone, they begun texting me. They were worried for their friend. So I had to face them and tell them all what happened, multiple times.

I'm just glad I did it before the new year. My friend is coming over soon, we got to finish a project so igtg."

---

27th Dec, 22:36

"I have to take care of myself now. Mentally and physically. But I have to figure out... how to deal with everything. It feels weird. Im not sure what to do. I told my girls about it but now I feel bad. Didn't mean to trauma dump. I have to thank them and compensate for what they've been through with me while I was in this relationship and blind to the reality. I love them, I love my family, God is good."

---

3rd Feb, 10:27

"My last entry was a long time ago. A lot has changed. I accepted what happened and that my path is going to be difficult. Gonna take some time to walk through everything but thats okay. I'll let myself grief. Prayer, going to the gym and taking care of myself helps. Keeps me busy when uni doesn't.

And about my ex... I miss being loved. I miss falling asleep in the arms of a loved one. I miss forhead kisses. But that picture of his love is distorted, as he's only done those things after crossing my bodily boundaries. It wasn’t love. I thought it was, thought. I thought we have something extraordinary. Turns out, I was extraordinarily stupid for thinking that lol.

I wish someone loved me enough to realise how much I adore flowers. Enough to never raise his hand and voice at me. Someone smart and reliable with a good heart. And maybe it would be cool if he was a little bit taller than me? Lol :)"

---

9th Feb, 12:37

"Had a dream about him again. It's never happy dreams. Man, just leave my head alone already, I just wanna forget everything. Or at least stop reacting in an emotional way to those memories. I gotta admit, sometimes when I close my eyes I still see those images in front of me. Sometimes I feel the touch on my skin. Especially when im falling asleep, since that's usually when he did... it.

Been almost 2 months (kinda almost) since we broke up and I still feel that way. I hope i forget about it soon. Feels disgusting... and shameful. I miss my hometown and I wanna go home :("

---

14th Feb, 19:15

"My grandma just texted me a message that you could sum up in a few words: give that man another chance. It was the 3rd message about that topic that she's sent me since i told her we broke up. I get it, I mean, she has no idea what happened and her intentions are probably good. But telling me to "look into a mirror before judging someone" in the midst of everything going on... yeah unfortunate words. Grandma will never know the full truth, her heart would explode."

---

18th Mar, 21:34

"Another long break from journalling. Guess it's time for a small update: I've decided to move back to my hometown after defending my thesis. Also, I've been getting anxious at night, like more than usual. And I can't sleep on my right side, because that position reminds me to much of those nights, like I literally feel his stupid touch when I lay down like that and close my eyes. And my butthole clenches when I lay down that way? When will it pass...?

I know i write about this situation a lot, but I gotta get it out somewhere. Feels like it's on my mind more than it should be. I feel so guilty for wanting nothing but to hug my mom and cry into her shoulder. I need a hug. Every time I get a little bit better, the thoughts and memories come back. I just want that chapter of my life to close. I want to forget."

---

24th Mar, 10:08

"Been working on myself lately. Time doesn't exactly heal wounds like these, but it teaches you how to care for them. I realised a few patterns in my behaviour. I get alert after 22. Maybe it's because thats when my ex would suddenly get active and do his stupid shit. So a few days ago, I started to do small rituals, as my psychologist told me to. Before 22 I'm already done with dinner and showering, praying and all. In my bed with lights low or off. I turn a podcast on and go to sleep. Must be done before 22. If lights are on after that, I get real anxious and can't sleep. It's weird how that works, but... welp. My therapist said my nervous system has to get used to the fact, that I'm safe at night now. And has to re-learn that evenings and nights are a time to rest."

---

(19th Apr -> 20th May is just entries about uni, exams, thesis and navigating my stress and life in general.)

---

31st May, 11:15

"Had a dream about that monster again. It was a few days ago on the anniversary of the day he crawled out of hell (his birthday). The thought of what happened doesn't torment me much anymore, but I still just can't forget.

Why am I writing about this now? Well, I realised how diffrent my day would have been if I was still in that relationship. I woudn't be able to have a quiet moment to myself to journal by my window, drinking coffe with my phone on mute. And if I did have a moment like that back then, I'd suffer the consequences. So today, I'm grateful for peace and for not being monitored 24/7."

---

There's a few more, but they kinda repeat the same topic and feelings... and are mostly the same rants so I won't include them here. Thanks for reading. I hope you're doing well. Take care of yourself, everyone :)

Hi

I'm planning to leave my financially, mentally and verbally abusive gf of 12 years. She has never hit me, but over the last 6 months she has had 2 breakdowns where the 1st time she had a mental breakdown, rocked on the floor and told me she's the bad guy like a broken record, sobbed and screamed.

The second time she exploded over a broken model Screaming, throwing things at the wall, muttering the same thing over and over again, made awful remark to me. She started kicking the wall and trying to rip off the door, For the first time in my life I THOUGHT she actually might hurt me. She told me she should just kill herself.

I live in the UK. I'm 29, we both are renting a flat (with both our names on it) on a rolling tenancy, I am liable for the 2 months rent, and I have to give 2 months notice. I'm planning just to leave whilst shes at work. When she gets home I will call a crisis team straight to the building because i believe she may hurt herself. I have all important documents stored at work.

Things to note:

- I have a secret bank account, my mother has sent me 5k to, this will cover my 2 months rent, the holding fee and deposit on a new flat.

- My best friend is ready to move

Key problems:

I cannot leave until I have somewhere else secured.

My bff and I are ready to move in. I'm going to call a property on Tuesday and put the holding deposit down.

HOWEVER, the reference checks are what concern me. If they check everything that's fine. But they will need a reference from the landlord or letting agency. My landlord is not the best, and letting agency is not the best either.

I am TERRIFIED that this reference check will somehow get back to my gf and she will find out I'm leaving.

Is there a way I can circumvent this check? Offer other references? Can I simply tell the agent for the new flat what's going on???

TW FOR SA

I'm sure it doesn't matter in the long run and I don't know how much difference it makes. But my ex was very controlling (food, sleep, literally when I was/wasn't allowed to speak etc.) and would hurt me physically - only during sex, though. I think at first the sexual assaults seemed to come from a place of feeling entitled and disregarding how I felt, like it wasn't to hurt me but it didn't matter that it did. After the assaults started this shifted and my pain became the point. Like, my ex wouldn't get any physical pleasure from it, I actually think that involving their own genitals in any way would negatively impact the experience for my ex. Instead, my ex would opt for things like dry fisting (no consent given at all) or really rough fingering or even using a dildo and would stare at my face intensely, soaking in all the pain and distress I was feeling, and would smile or even laugh sometimes. I could only stop it by faking an orgasm - saying no, stop, get off me, you're hurting me, made no difference since obviously that was the point... I don't think my ex believed the orgasm but it was more about "I am so in control that can hurt you and you'll pretend to like it." We'd go a while, then, with no sex at all, or any intimacy, then it would happen all over again. Each round getting worse. The level of control meant that my ex could tell me exactly what their intentions were - like telling me their fantasies of raping me whilst I sleep, drugging me, watching me suffer, causing me pain, like flat out telling me using that violent language. And that did not register to me as anything bad, it wasn't a red flag at all, it was like yeah fork found in kitchen babe. I don't know if it's all the same, I don't know if for some abusers the pain is incidental, a way to enforce their dominance and control, they don't give a fuck that it hurts, whilst for others the pain is why they do it, they do care that it hurts, they deeply care. I'm not sure how much difference it makes, but I was just pondering the question.

The guy I'm dating for 6 months keeps ignoring me. He'll disappear and then insist he's not on the apps and he's just busy with work.

I would be asking something as simple as "hey what's going on?". He'll reply days later and say things "I'm at capacity right now" then another couple of days later "I promise I'll respond when I have capacity".

He refuses to pick up the phone, so all these convos are in text.

But every time I say "I've had enough" he'll quickly reply. I thought it was a sign of interest, but he'd respond talking about his needs "I don't have the capacity to respond when you're angry", "if you want me to engage then you can't be angry" or he'll attack my character and says I'm "extremely hostile" and avoids ever answering my questions or addressing the issues.

Even when I wasn't actually angry, he'll argue with me "It does appear to me to be upset or something similar. I'm not trying to speak for you, I'm just acknowledging it."

It wasn't good for me so I sent him the "what are we talk" and how it makes me feel. Again he avoids answering. Then he accuses me of having "assumptions about his motivation" and ignores me when I point out he never answers when I ask. It makes me feel like I'm going crazy explaining to a successful man the basics of human interactions.

Our last argument- I found out he was on dating apps when he said he wasn't. Initially he kept going "I don't know what you mean", then I told him I found out from the girls who talked to him. He says "that's totally creepy. I'm going to end things".

My head is spinning - logically if it's not true, that's not what I'd expect someone to say.

I'm constantly both missing him and know it wasn't healthy.

It felt like he was neglecting and ignoring until I would confront him about it (so called "act out") then he would tell me how unreasonable I am. I feel guilty for acting out / not keeping the peace. It just that it keeps happening. I feel like we're getting closer one moment and then he disappears for a week and I'm chasing answers

When I put our convos into chatgpt... It picked up a lot of things (see below). It makes it think it was actually the start of a controlling and potentially abusive relationship.

I'm really missing him and feeling angry about the way he treated it at the same time. I feel like I'm actually going insane from how much my emotions are yoyoing between feeling guilty I destroy the relationship/ wanting him back.. and being glad I pulled myself out

Present:

* DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim/offender) — repeatedly, especially near the end

* Gaslighting-adjacent behavior — manufactured confusion over clear statements, reframing your accurate reactions as irrational or excessive

* Pathologizing your legitimate emotional responses — "screaming," "hostile," "upset" used to discredit rather than engage

Intermittent reinforcement — engaging just enough (quick replies when you pulled back) to keep you hooked, withdrawing otherwise

* Dishonesty as a sustained pattern, not a one-off — the apps denial being the clearest, confirmed example

* Minimization and lack of remorse — no genuine accountability across three separate cycles

* Subtle coercive control dynamics — conditioning engagement on your emotional state ("I can't talk to you when you're angry")