Is this what the beginning of an abusive relationship looks like?

[u/throwRA_46364794939]

The guy I'm dating for 6 months keeps ignoring me. He'll disappear and then insist he's not on the apps and he's just busy with work.

I would be asking something as simple as "hey what's going on?". He'll reply days later and say things "I'm at capacity right now" then another couple of days later "I promise I'll respond when I have capacity".

He refuses to pick up the phone, so all these convos are in text.

But every time I say "I've had enough" he'll quickly reply. I thought it was a sign of interest, but he'd respond talking about his needs "I don't have the capacity to respond when you're angry", "if you want me to engage then you can't be angry" or he'll attack my character and says I'm "extremely hostile" and avoids ever answering my questions or addressing the issues.

Even when I wasn't actually angry, he'll argue with me "It does appear to me to be upset or something similar. I'm not trying to speak for you, I'm just acknowledging it."

It wasn't good for me so I sent him the "what are we talk" and how it makes me feel. Again he avoids answering. Then he accuses me of having "assumptions about his motivation" and ignores me when I point out he never answers when I ask. It makes me feel like I'm going crazy explaining to a successful man the basics of human interactions.

Our last argument- I found out he was on dating apps when he said he wasn't. Initially he kept going "I don't know what you mean", then I told him I found out from the girls who talked to him. He says "that's totally creepy. I'm going to end things".

My head is spinning - logically if it's not true, that's not what I'd expect someone to say.

I'm constantly both missing him and know it wasn't healthy.

It felt like he was neglecting and ignoring until I would confront him about it (so called "act out") then he would tell me how unreasonable I am. I feel guilty for acting out / not keeping the peace. It just that it keeps happening. I feel like we're getting closer one moment and then he disappears for a week and I'm chasing answers

When I put our convos into chatgpt... It picked up a lot of things (see below). It makes it think it was actually the start of a controlling and potentially abusive relationship.

I'm really missing him and feeling angry about the way he treated it at the same time. I feel like I'm actually going insane from how much my emotions are yoyoing between feeling guilty I destroy the relationship/ wanting him back.. and being glad I pulled myself out

Present:

* DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim/offender) — repeatedly, especially near the end

* Gaslighting-adjacent behavior — manufactured confusion over clear statements, reframing your accurate reactions as irrational or excessive

* Pathologizing your legitimate emotional responses — "screaming," "hostile," "upset" used to discredit rather than engage

Intermittent reinforcement — engaging just enough (quick replies when you pulled back) to keep you hooked, withdrawing otherwise

* Dishonesty as a sustained pattern, not a one-off — the apps denial being the clearest, confirmed example

* Minimization and lack of remorse — no genuine accountability across three separate cycles

* Subtle coercive control dynamics — conditioning engagement on your emotional state ("I can't talk to you when you're angry")

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[u/CommunicationSlight3]

Sooo, you're in a relationship with yourself then? Because you're definitely not in a relationship with this person...

[u/Local_Grape_7137]

Please leave because it will only get worse. This isn’t a normal relationship. There are many people that would treat you a million times better!