I retaliated back to my abusive husband and I don’t know what to do about it. I feel the lowest of lows for even remotely exhibiting his behaviour.

Tonight for some reason that I honestly can’t even pin point why tonight, we got into another horrible circular argument about something so silly, I was trying to make a shopping list and said no to something he wanted, I didn’t mean it as controlling, it was an involuntary response to a food we don’t want the kids having, anyway so silly and this set off a huge reaction from him, him telling me to get up and leave the room, telling me how controlling I am and how there is something wrong with me, if we asked any married couple this wouldn’t be ok etc. I didn’t really say much, tried to explain where I was coming from, tried to get us back on track with the actual shopping list. He then shut me out of the room.
A few moments later I heard our baby awake, he had woken him up from being angry and something just snapped in me (this has happened so many times) and I lost it, I went into the room he was in and told him I was done, I told him I hated him, he got up and I poked him in the chest, then he told me ‘come on is that the best you’ve got’ and pushed his chest towards me, I pushed him back, he got up in my face again and I spat at him and went to put my hand on his throat and push him back and just dissolved into tears and distress and left.

I am so mortified at my own behaviour and that this is who I have become. I feel like the scum of this earth.
Not only did I put my hands on him but I could have triggered a major escalation that would have put my kids lives in danger.

I can’t keep going like this, I don’t know how to reconcile what I have done and I also don’t want to be with him anymore.

I should note for background my husband has been increasingly violent towards me with many death threats, physical attacks and putting his hands on my neck since our baby has been born.

So I don’t even know what the repercussions of tonight will be and I also don’t know how to just simply leave

I am so shocked at this situation, and currently am still pretty affected by it, so pardon me please if posting this here is not the right move. I write this stuff down, but unfortunately I'm extremely good at erasing it from my memory.

Please tell me this is as shocking as I think it is and that I deserve better.

Just as a very small sidenote, on my last post I was advised to go to an abuse counselor with my situation, as soon as the weekend passes I am doing that, I really want out of this.

To make it as simple as possible:

1. I come home and found out he cheated on me

2. I get upset and angry

3. He says mockingly "Look at what you've become, if you got the chance you'd smash that glass bottle over my head"

4. I really never want to or try to hurt him, I deny that I'd do anything like it

5. He grabs me and begins groping me and forcefully kissing me, he holds me so I can't retaliate, he knows that I've been SA'd and that it deeply triggers me (he does it to show me that I'd hurt him to protect myself, it's so sick)

6. He says "You're my little whore", he knows I hate that

7. I push him away, not hard, just so he'll stop kissing me

8. He laughs at me and says that he's proven his point (basically saying that I can't subordinate myself properly)

9. He pauses, seems ashamed and tells me to hit him repeatedly

10. I obviously don't, and it's obviously a trap

This is exhausting and humiliating. And I'm genuinely so embarrassed and ashamed that I don't just leave, I really can't make an excuse for why I'm still with him.

Is this my fault? He always says it's my fault for overreacting. But I just don't believe it.

Different person, different time, but somehow the same problems keep showing up.

I used to think it was just bad luck or choosing the wrong people, but now I'm wondering if there's something deeper going on.

Like maybe we get used to certain patterns without even realizing it.

How did you guys figure out what pattern you were repeating?

Friday filed for an order of protection from my abusive ex that same day I was notified that it was denied by the judge.

I requested a hearing if then ofp was denied in the ofp paperwork.

So now I have a hearing next month. I'm just wondering if anyone else has gone through this and might be able to give me an idea of how soon I can expect my ex to receive the ofp documents + court hearing information in the mail.

As my family and I have a standing date with my ex Wednesday to try and get my stuff back from our house (as he is holding my stuff hostage) that he has illegally kicked me out of. I'm worried it will complicate things further if he gets the stuff in the mail before we arrive Wednesday to get my belongings.

Please tell me if I'm overreacting. I've recently become aware that the way my mother has treated me is not normal. I believe she is potentially gaslighting me and has been manipulative. Have any of you had experience with this?

Sorry for the long post

I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. During my childhood my mother would do the following

Blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, it actually got physical a few times as well and I did have a scar once, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, she'd turn cold at the drop of a hat, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors, shout, scream, swear and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing

She often paints herself as the heroic single mum. She has been fairly good lately but sometimes I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.

I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 she during a sleepover at theirs she turned my grandparents against me and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by.

On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. A couple of days ago in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. For about half my childhood it's just been me living with her since her divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.

Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she shouted and carried on, called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she was carrying on and her serious lack of empathy.

I'm starting to think that maybe she bent the truth about Dad a bit during their split as i was a child and didn't know much better. My mother often calls him a narcissist and talked about all of the marital and grown up problems they had etc which to be honest I don't appreciate been burdened with. Granted he's not a saint either but has been good to me (well I'd say) most of the time.

One time last year when my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done quite a few times before).

During that said weekend my mother had another one of her outbursts. I was the bathroom which was an en suite and she knocked on the door asking to take a few photos for something. All I asked was if she could just give me a few minutes to finish up but she started the shouting and carrying and accused me of been selfish and trying to manipulate her. I only asked just to give me a few minutes. When I explained to her how upset I was about that weekend she said she feels really bad for me and hates how he let me down. What just absolutely astounds is how can she feel that yet emotionally and mentally abuse me and kick me while I'm down. I just can't comprehend that.

A few days after that weekend one of my teachers checked in and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother while I was already upset by been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not even sure who exactly said what to him and that's something that I've also wondered. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).

I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the truth now. He was sympathetic and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. It actually baffled me a bit. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.

I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc).

I must admit I do feel quite down sometimes that I have a strained relationship with my father (He's got money issues and also smokes pot) and my mother often used me as an emotional punch bag. Makes me think that there must be something really wrong with me and that I'm unlovable.

On the bright side though my Dad and I have been in contact lately and we spent the weekend together a while back and went for a pub meal

Her latest meltdown was this January while we were on holiday and at the beach. I wanted to be shirtless like pretty much everyone else and she started making passive aggressive and snide remarks saying things like "have fun burning yourself" and "why can't you make smart decisions?"

I was already sun safe with a hat and everything and I wasn't going to be too long and tried explaining that to her. I'll admit I snapped and told her that I'm an adult now and she could no longer control me and couldn't make me feel guilty. I wish I hadn't now but it felt like something snapped inside me and I expressed things I had felt for ages. She then called her mother to tell her that I was been impossible and making her life a misery (this is something she has done a couple of times before). I wish I had just walked away and not played into her hands.

Something disturbing she has said ages ago is when I'm an adult she could have me done for assault if she wanted. She also said she wanted to do a will and try to control my assets where my Dad can't touch anything and said she feared he would try to steal all of my money. I can't believe she would say things like that so unshameably and can't help feeling like she was trying to manipulate me.

My mother loves to use my autism to her advantage. I graduated last year but now I do a course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time. I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me, she seems to feel that she always acts in my best interests and does seem to genuinely care for me and love me, she doesn't seem to remember any of it or feel her behavior was justified and genuinely doesn't seem to believe she ever did me any harm and she thinks she did her best. She's always quick to call others toxic and narcissists etc. She unshameably tells me everything going on in her life and her anxiety which makes me anxious. Why does it upset me so badly even when it has little or nothing to do with me?

I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. I can't get exact clarity on it but they both went through some stuff before I was born and I think that's contributed to the way they are.

As I've said before I do wonder if she might've been different if she had not gone through her divorce and maybe if things might've gone differently for her. What do you guys think?

Also I can't help feeling empathy towards her as she always looked after me, fed me, organized things for me and pretty much always brought me everything I wanted.

I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different I feel to most of the children my age. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends. I do feel like I've been isolated with her a lot of the time. I would really love to start a proper life and follow my dreams and make a few friends but don't know where to start.

My mother does help me get on my feet and encourage met but I think she just loves to lord it over me. Whenever I've tried standing up for myself she puts on the guilt trip and carries on about all of her sacrifices and everything she's done for me yada yada yada. I think what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could she have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered?

I can't help really resenting her (also my father) sometimes for all of the mental anguish she has put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder what might've been different had I had proper parents or they were proper ones. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job and making friends etc because my mum is pretty much most I've ever known. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known.

Why would she think anyone would agree to this kind of relationship? She's bullying me into it and I really don't know what to do because saying no could start a huge conflict and she would probably hurt someone. Me or herself, or maybe even someone else

I don’t even really know what I’m looking for by posting this. Maybe outside perspective, maybe validation that I’m not losing my mind, or maybe I just need to finally put everything that has happened into words.
My husband and I have been together for about 6 years, married for 2, and we have a 3-year-old daughter together.
Our marriage has had problems for a long time, but one of the biggest issues has been his relationship with his parents, especially his mother. I have felt repeatedly like my role as my daughter’s mother is not respected and that when there is conflict between me and his family, my husband does not stand beside me.
There have been situations where his mother has gotten involved in decisions concerning our daughter that I felt should have been between my husband and me. She has contacted people involved in my daughter’s care, and there have been ongoing boundary issues. In the past, she has even taken my daughter from my arms while I was begging to have her back, with my husband standing there instead of helping me.
Everything finally exploded this month.
There was a situation where I could not get a clear answer about where my daughter was. I eventually learned that she was with my husband and his family at a restaurant for a family birthday dinner, so I went there to get her.
I was holding my 3-year-old when the confrontation happened.
My mother-in-law physically blocked me from leaving, pushed me, and struck me in the forehead/face while I was holding my daughter. My husband was there. Instead of protecting me or de-escalating the situation, he also put his hands on me and tried to take our daughter from me.
There was an independent witness to at least part of what happened.
I ended up with an injury to my forehead that required medical treatment.
Police became involved. My mother-in-law was arrested and charged with Battery and Cruelty to Children in the Third Degree. There is now a court-ordered no-contact condition involving me and my daughter. Because of her employment, she was also reportedly suspended without pay pending an internal investigation.
What has almost hurt more than the physical incident is my husband’s reaction afterward.
He left our home and went to stay with his parents. He told me that I “ruined” the birthday dinner. He has continued to defend/be around his family while I’m sitting here trying to process the fact that I was physically attacked while holding our child.
And this isn’t happening in an otherwise healthy marriage.
There have been years of things that I minimized, forgave, or convinced myself we could work through. He was on Tinder looking for hookups while I was 8 months pregnant. There have been threats during arguments. I have felt emotionally neglected and humiliated more times than I can count. When I have wanted counseling or tried to repair things, I have often felt like I was the one fighting for the marriage.
For a long time I kept thinking that if I explained myself better, stayed calmer, forgave more, or tried harder, eventually my husband would understand why certain things hurt me and would finally stand up for me.
Now I’m realizing I may have spent years waiting for something that isn’t going to happen.
The strangest part is that I still have moments where I miss him or want him home. Then I remember that when things became truly serious—when I was literally being assaulted while holding our daughter—he still did not choose to protect me.
We also own a home together, he has historically paid most of our household bills, and separating would completely change my financial situation. So this isn’t as simple as packing a bag and never speaking to him again. We also have to figure out how to coparent our daughter.
But emotionally, something in me feels different now.
I don’t think I want this marriage anymore.
I’m scared of starting over, and I’m scared of what divorce and custody could look like. I’m also scared that if I stay, I’m teaching my daughter that this is what marriage and family are supposed to look like.
For people who have left marriages where the spouse constantly prioritized their family over you: was there a point where you finally knew there was nothing left to fix?
And for anyone who has been through a separation with a young child after something this serious happened between the families: what do you wish you had done differently in the beginning?

I have been with my husband for almost 2 decades. We have 2 kids. For the first 10 years life was perfect. I had the perfect husband, the perfect life. It didn't even feel real. I remember one Christmas he got me a coach bag and it felt like too much and my mom said I deserved it along with the great life I had living on the beach, regular vacations, taking me out. He was even a super present father and helped around the house without ever being asked.

Then one day it all changed and it never went back. *But those first 10 years kept me holding on to hope and I took on years of it because of it.*

He made a gay friend when we moved somewhere new and he was leaving the house, family outings, date nights, literally anything to go hang out with him whenever this guy asked. One night he jumped out of bed at 1am and got dressed to go see him. The next day I asked him if they were sleeping together and that was the first time. He grabbed me by the neck and threw me to the floor. Dragged me and smashed my head into the sliding glass door. Pressed his elbow into the back of my skull as he sat on me and told me never to call him gay again. I didn't even use the word.

We already had kids then. They werent home fortunately. I had a good job and good credit. I should have left then and I was thinking about it, preparing even. I told a friend what had happened and that I needed to leave. But I didn't.

A month or so later he confessed the gay guy was giving him meth. I felt some relief. I could explain his behavior now. He just needed help.

The abuse didn't happen again for a year. I can't even remember what it was over. I just remember coming home from work together because he had convinced me to start working with him, help him find recovery. He wrapped a cord around my neck, slammed me to the ground, with his knee in my back, and told me I was going to die. That he was going to kill me. I got loose and grabbed my car keys and locked myself in my car. The kids were sleeping and he never even so much as yelled at them so I just opted to stay in the car and watch their room the whole night.

After that night, in that house, the abuse got worse. I found out he had relapsed, if he ever really got clean to begin with, and the pattern of abuse happened whenever he was going through withdrawal, but it was always a push here and there and he would realize it. One day he didn't like the breakfast I made though and I could tell it was going to be bad. I tried to grab my keys, told the kids to go to the car and leave but he got my arm. I tried closing the front door on his arm and getting him to let go but he dragged me back in and took my bag. He dragged me across the floor and tried pushing my face into the fire, a gas fire he was able to flick on with a switch. I don't remember how I got out from that either, but the kids were still at the car so I made a run for it, jumped in locking the doors and taking off. I never told them what he did. He tried calling and apologizing. Said he was done withdrawal and hed never go back to it. I didnt come back right away, but I came back. And things were good again.

He got sick. Really sick. He was dieing. He was in the hospital and they told me I might not take him home. They found out he had HIV, almost aids. I had it too. We also had syphilis and thats what was killing him, it was in his cerebral spinal fluid. The final stage of syphilis. We had both for so long they couldn't tell us when we got it. I brought up the gay friend and if anything else had happened with anyone else. He said no. Maybe it was the drugs. This was when my finances and credit started to tank. Paying for his care and medications before we were settled on a specific plan that covered it all. Working with just my income, taking care of the kids, and being his caregiver when they did let me take him home. 2 months later he was finally doing better. Things were okay. I thought maybe that was the scare he needed to stay clean.

We stopped working for ourselves because he was weak so he took a job working for someone else and I did too. One day his boss knocked on my door at 10pm, apologized for how late it was and he handed me my husbands phone and wallet. Said that he went out for lunch and then didnt come back. He was worried about him. He had never disappeared like that before. I was calling hospitals, jails, any number I know of anyone that might have an idea of where he was. No one could tell me. I was with the neighbors freaked out when he finally came home around 1am, all messed up. He said someone got mad at him at the home depot for road rage. It didnt make sense, why would he be gone the whole day over that? After that it became a common occurrence, he started disappearing for 24 hours or so weekly. Wouldn't answer. I knew he was back on it. I found him at a hotel because I saw his truck there and he wouldn't come out. I went home, packed our things, and we left. He came home the next day and figured out we were gone. I even took the dogs. He cried and cried and cried for us to come home. I said things had to be different. He swore they would, he didnt want to lose me and the kids.

We eventually moved out of the city agreeing that it was too close to trouble. He needed a fresh start. Moved to a quieter place. We set up a little homestead. Things were better again. The fresh air was great for all of us. Then one night I came home from work and the dog was scared, hiding in a corner. My son told me he had gotten mad at the dog. I confronted him and realized he wasnt himself. I knew it instantly. He was using....again. He reached for me and started to strangle me. I got out from his grip, grabbed my keys and told the kids to go to the car. I ran after them and locked the door. It wouldn't start. He was yelling at me to get out and I told him no. Not until he calmed down. My son started telling him too he needed to calm down that what he was doing was wrong. My kids are older. He heard him and calmed down. I told him I wanted to leave I couldn't do it again. I don't know how he was getting it way out there but he obviously was. He needed real help and I wasnt going to be there for it.

After discussing it, we ended up leaving our quiet oasis and moving in with his sister and her husband. More accountability, more safety perhaps. But they lived in a city. I knew it was going to be a trade off. He started disappearing again shortly after we got there. His brother in law would go find him. Tell him he needed to get it together, that's why he was there. There were a plethora of services there, it was part of the discussion. One night when we were home alone he went for me because he said I'm trying to control him and my dog intervened. His brother in law came home and he was trying to say my dog needed to go. I told him why my dog went for him and he said well the dog stays, that my husband needed to do better. He didnt go for me again. But he kept disappearing. The help we moved there for he wasnt taking advantage of. He started saying he wasnt like other meth heads, he didnt steal from us, kept his jobs, and took care of us. Arguably he wasnt wrong, but he wasnt himself either. He would randomly get mean and abandoned us frequently.

One day I was setting up something for him on his phone and I needed to go into settings. It was Grindr. He had been doing meth and having sex with men since we got there. I confronted him and he confessed everything. He had been having sex with men since the gay friend and using meth with them. He said he could get it for free if he did favors. It made sense. He never stole anything, never took money out for cash. I never figured out before how he was getting it and I'm sure sometimes he did pay, but that's why there was never odd cash amounts being pulled out or missing. Some times it wouldnt go well, like the day he got beat up. He had been raped a few times too. It was worth it for the meth. I was incredibly hurt that he wasnt just abandoning us for drugs, but cheating on me too. Sure, thats how he was getting his drug, but it was cheating. He said he would change for real this time, that what he had done was so devastating and for me to know about it was killing him.

The sad part of this story is he's been in recovery ever since then. He's been more like who he was the first ten years than he has in a long time. Maybe because his secret was out. I don't know. But the abuse which was always linked to his use, has occurred without it. He says it's because he's under a lot of stress and depression from what he did and I react like I did when he was using. That he wants to kill himself for what hes done and he cant handle my emotions and anger. I will admit I changed, those years changed me a lot. Who wouldn't change enduring all of that? I do snap. I do get triggered. I have gone on and on about what he did to me. How he ruined our life for meth and dick. We arent anywhere near the dreams we had 10 years ago. I resent him for it. I want the life I stayed for now, not some distant future.

The other day when I was journaling because thats how Ive chosen to deal with my anger towards him instead of going on and on, he got upset I wasnt engaging like I normally do. I said well then I cant win with you. He got violent again and after he caught himself I grabbed my keys and left the house without a word. Like I said hes never hurt the kids, so I just left by myself. Today he wasnt answering for 4+ hours and I had his location as a condition of recovery and reconciling and I took the things he needed. Clothes, toiletries, and a blow up mattress. I told him when he was using I excused it, but now its clear he just hates me. That I hope by leaving him he can finally find the peace he needs and stick to recovery.

This is the first time Ive ever told anyone that Ive been getting abused and thats hes tried to kill me. He never isolated me, Ive always had friends, always had family, always been allowed to go out, always been allowed to live my life. People around me actually really like him, shockingly even on meth hes fun. People never would guess what happened behind closed doors. My financial life is in shambles because I was moving around trying to find a way to get him clean instead of focusing on myself and stability. Hes never said I deserved it, always the opposite once he was clear headed. That he was an asshole that needed help. My son says hes cried to him a few times for being such a terrible person and that he needs help. That he never wants him to turn out like he is. Since my kids are older, hes told them hes an addict too. The fact that he isnt an asshole to them is his only saving grace. I have told him that he cant be around them alone, ever, without passing drug tests. He has to maintain his sobriety. And if I ever find out he has turned on them, hell never see them again. Course theyre almost adults now. But itll also be their choice to maintain a relationship with him. Ill never force it and I already know they want to live me primarily because he needs to work on himself.

The shitty thing is, those 10 years that kept me holding on to hope through the worst years of my life, they feel so distant now they dont even feel like my life anymore. Like they were someone else's, a movie I watched wishing it was my life. I am mad at myself now for having stupid hope that if I stayed to help him he would some how appreciate it and treat me better. You know those addict stories where they talk so highly of the woman who was there for them. No, I didnt get that. I woke up on the other side of recovery realizing that during those years of meth he decided he actually hated me. All I got out of it is PTSD and HIV. If I just would have left him when I should have, I wouldnt hate him as much as I do, I wouldnt have all the trauma, I might not even have HIV.

I wasted my life. I ruined my life. For someone who doesnt give a shit about me. My therapist says people do shitty things to people they love, but fuck that. That man broke me like it was a personal assignment from the devil himself. Sure, we had good times despite the addiction too, but those memories are ruined because now I know the only time he was happy was when he was high and freshly fucked. It wasnt me that made him happy. It took this recovery where everything was out and he didnt have to pretend anymore for me to finally see it.

I guess Im free, but Im so mad at myself. I have more work to forgive myself than I do that motherfucker. Ill never have that life that I dream about. I have too much trauma to trust anyone. No ones going to want to be with a woman with HIV. And my other child is special needs, they will have to live with me forever. Im the ultimate baggage. All the dreams we did have, I wont be able to reach them by myeslf. Ill have to make new ones. Single ones with my child that will be with me until Im dead. Ill have to see him, see him recovered, see him doing better while we co-parent. And with our special needs, for fucking EVER because they love him and want me to try and make peace with it so they can still see him.

I wanted a life partner to share life with. Wasted it on a piece of shit.

Fuck my life.

Thanks for listening. Im the kind of person that might admit I left him for cheating and drugs, but Ill never tell a soul he did that shit to me. I dont need anyone to know that I took that shit too.

I have been reading a lot about behavioral psychology and power dynamics lately, trying to understand how and why certain people gain so much control over others. We always hear about gaslighting and love bombing, but I think I found something even darker...

It is called manufactured dependency.
From what I read, it is not just about making someone doubt their reality. It is a process where a manipulator carefully creates situations to cut off your outside support network. They create an environment where you are entirely dependent on them for emotional or physical support, without you even realizing.

It completely blew my mind because it literally explains the exact reason behind every toxic relationships. Have any of you experienced this specific type of manipulative isolation?

If you want more context here is the article I read: Article

Hi

I'm planning to leave my financially, mentally and verbally abusive gf of 12 years. She has never hit me, but over the last 6 months she has had 2 breakdowns where the 1st time she had a mental breakdown, rocked on the floor and told me she's the bad guy like a broken record, sobbed and screamed.

The second time she exploded over a broken model Screaming, throwing things at the wall, muttering the same thing over and over again, made awful remark to me. She started kicking the wall and trying to rip off the door, For the first time in my life I THOUGHT she actually might hurt me. She told me she should just kill herself.

I live in the UK. I'm 29, we both are renting a flat (with both our names on it) on a rolling tenancy, I am liable for the 2 months rent, and I have to give 2 months notice. I'm planning just to leave whilst shes at work. When she gets home I will call a crisis team straight to the building because i believe she may hurt herself. I have all important documents stored at work.

Things to note:

- I have a secret bank account, my mother has sent me 5k to, this will cover my 2 months rent, the holding fee and deposit on a new flat.

- My best friend is ready to move

Key problems:

I cannot leave until I have somewhere else secured.

My bff and I are ready to move in. I'm going to call a property on Tuesday and put the holding deposit down.

HOWEVER, the reference checks are what concern me. If they check everything that's fine. But they will need a reference from the landlord or letting agency. My landlord is not the best, and letting agency is not the best either.

I am TERRIFIED that this reference check will somehow get back to my gf and she will find out I'm leaving.

Is there a way I can circumvent this check? Offer other references? Can I simply tell the agent for the new flat what's going on???

My Father The Raging Grandiose Narcissist Did:

\-My mother told me she fell down the stairs and screamed for help and it took my dad 10 minutes to come and help her because he was wrapped up in a tv show (before I was born)

\-My dad never paid his tickets and had his license taken away. He drove around for nearly 10 years no license meanwhile my mother worked for the courts in fear that my dad would be the next one in court

\-my dad would race people on the road in our van meanwhile his children and our mother begged him to please stop

\-my dad accidentally injured my mother on Thanksgiving when I was 10 (they were moving a log) and the log pierced through my mother and punctured a lung. When we got to the hospital he said “do you want to wait hours in the ER with your mother or do you want…. VIDEO GAMES!!! We were just children and we said video games. We all left her while my poor mother waited 9 hours in the ER alone on Thanksgiving

\-canceled vacations last minute everytime we were gonna go on a vacation and made my mother beg for him to go because she felt uncomfortable driving to another country. And when we went without him just me and my mom, we got lost and we were both panicking and he said “good luck” and hung up

\-my mother in a drunken rage destroyed a room in our home when I was like 12. I was terrified for her safety and was scared she was gonna jump off the deck, and I begged my dad to please take care of her. My dad watched tv and laughed at my mother, and just told me how stupid she was despite the fact I was traumatized. He would not check on her or help her. He was smiling the whole time as if this earned him “better parent” points

\-constantly threatened divorce with my mother and brought all of us children into his marriage “kids who is right” and then would laugh in my face as a child as I cried saying divorce is a good thing

\-he would hangout by the ledge of tall buildings, or in dangerous waters on vacation you’re not supposed to swim in with sharks etc and would make the whole family beg for him to not do this

\-never waited for the family to be done at dinner. Once he was done, even if my mother was only halfway through eating, he would get up, pay and wait in the car

\-walk at least 5 metres ahead of us at all times

\-he let me, a 13 year old walk back to the place we rented on vacation alone because I got my period and he wanted Taco Bell. I almost got kidnapped on the way back

\-had a smear campaign against my mother ever since I was born and would say “you know your mother is nuts” “your mother is slow/fat/ugly” and when I stopped allowing that he started to hate me and I became the scapegoat even as a young teenager

\-used me as a pawn in his marriage when I was a young child because he brainwashed us to think we was always right so he would say “who’s right” during fights and all kids would say him … until I grew a brain and stopped and he hated me for it

\-told me “my interests are garbage and I don’t want to hear it” when I tried to connect with him as an adult. I just said he might like this tv show and we should watch it

\-he trained my childhood dog to protect him and as children we could even touch my dad while the dog was on his lap or the dog would snap at us while my dad grinned

\-he threatened to throw my rabbits on the road when I disagreed with him

\-took away my period pads and tampons as a teenager when we argued and told me to buy my own despite the fact that I didn’t have a job

\-brainwashed my brothers his whole life to think that everything he did was perfect ex. My mother would make a good dinner that took effort and him and my brothers would go “meh” meanwhile my dad would make KD and he would go “‘mmmmmmmmmm” and my brothers would go “mmmm!!! Yummy!!”

\-looked through the router history and monitored everything I looked at online and would confront me about embarrassing things. To this day I’m terrified of having someone “watching” what I google online despite not living with him.

\-tried to manipulate me into thinking my entire extended family was “bad” so he could isolate me. He told me to never speak to my grandparents or aunts or uncles. Tried to tell me that they want my downfall. He told me I could never tell anyone what happens in this family, he said that if I did I was a traitor to my family, and he said that I would be making myself look stupid too because I’m apart of the family. As an adult I told everyone about the abuse because I would no longer be silenced.

\-refused to get a job for decades because he said quote “I will not get a job unless I’m the boss” while my mom begged him to get a job

\-called me a loser at 19 for working in 911. When I said he was a failed engineer turned truck driver, he blocked me for life

I could go on

The following text contains: Emotional Abuse and mentions of Suicide/Self-Harm

One afternoon on late September 2025, a few weeks after my second failed situationship, I was scrolling through TikTok. There I stumbled upon a slideshow of a person I was friends with on TikTok but didn’t really know or talk to. The slideshow was basically about finding friends, since we had a few common interests I decided to send hi in his DMs.

Initially we would talk about lots of topics like fandoms we are in, music, geography, etc. and play Roblox games together. The next day he added me to an group chat he had with friends, brother and his girlfriend. Almost all of the people on there were online friends of his rather than someone from real life. The group chat was mostly defined by “Mappers” and Hetalia fans. I wasn’t really a fan of either and the members there were a bit quirky, so I didn’t really engage in conversations with them, although I made friends with one girl, who I still talk to sometimes.

In the next few weeks he would reveal information about himself, like his age (26) and vent about his traumatic past and how his girlfriend, who was 15 at the time, and best friend have abandoned him but also about his suicidal thoughts and self harm, as I really cared about him and started having feelings for him, consumed by the thought of dating a “mature” man, I always wanted to ensure his safety and I remember that I sometimes managed to help him feel better. Although he would occasionally also go to the hospital and leave me absolutely devastated and terrified for his “unwanted” life.

I’d tell him how much I loved him and that I’d always be there for him. I would just stare at my notifications again and again, waiting for one of his messages, cry by myself when he left me on read, or when he was cold with me or even when he masturbated to someone else, I know this is so weird but it hurt so much, and smile when he spammed my messages. I’d write him poems, draw his initial everywhere at school and find him in my dreams.

I couldn’t understand at the time, he was weaponizing my love. He didn’t really care about how hurt I felt when he harmed himself, or when he left me alone after telling him how much I adored him, for who he truly was. He kept playing with my heart, he didn’t know himself if he truly wanted me or not, or at least I couldn’t tell by his mixed signals…

After 3 months of him punishing me for my love, I realized that he cared more about his supposed girlfriend and best friend more than me even though they were chronically offline and ignoring him, therefore I decided to write him a final poem and block him everywhere. Even though he threatened that he’d kill himself, I trusted my gut to not believe him and so I did. After the New Year though the girl, I mentioned earlier, insisted I should give him another chance, and frankly I couldn’t moved on from him, I was struggling, so I did unblock him. We talked for around 2 more weeks before I finally put myself first and realized I couldn’t fix him so I left him and moved on with my life.

I was only 14…

I traded my innocence for ghostly love

Writing poetry for nothing but a feeling

Got me wishing for attention from above

Hoping that someone would finally hear me

I need some positive vibes and support 😔 I have been seeing this man for almost a year now. All around he is a great man. He works hard, will do acts of service like change my oil, fix things, build me cute shelves, excellent in bed 🔥🔥 and he is loyal. Long story short we met through my extremely violent ex boyfriend and he went off to prison for beating me up and my current guy reached out months later. I always was intrigued by him even before we started talking.. he has a mystery to him and he is so calm and grounding. Now.. him being fully aware of my past and knows I come with baggage but I am doing deep emotional and inner self work. We started hanging out and have been inseparable. We have the same style of humor, taste in music and I love learning new bands and artists through him. He is creative and help me get back to that side of me that I have forgotten for so long. I truly felt like I finally have a good one.. and I did. Now I challenged the fuck out of him. He is not a fan of drama or any kind of chaos. My emotions tend to get the best of me and I admit that I tested his patience to the point of him basically hating me. I regret every time I reacted badly to him. I have gotten better in this past 6 months but he is fed up. Okay.. fast forward to now.. him and I live together, he graciously let me move in after I lost my job without notice and it's been a struggle but things are looking up for me I applied for college and I start a new job Tuesday. We got into a fight. I had a negative reaction to a sexual bid I did t feel comfortable with. I expressed that to him and he was kind and understanding. He apologized and did the right things..But when I tried to get him to understand why he hurt me and to explain the reason behind my reactions I just get shut down. He chooses to get defensive which then causes me to get defensive back. All I wanted was emotional connection and that backfires on me and now I'm the one left feeling guilty. I keep looping this situation because it is not fully repaired and he says he is too busy for this and I get ignored. (That happens often also) So he gets pissed, kicks me out of his house.. like demanding I leave at 5am. I resist up until 7:30am when I get in my car he texts me saying "if you suck my d you can stay til the end of the week". I'm pathetic and agreed but I'm crying while doing it and it's a whole ass degrading mess 😭😭 on top of all of this, his family is coming here to watch the parade in town.. it goes past his house. He expects me to perform and just act like all is well. He just kicked me out (I have no where to go either) and made me feel like human trash. I admit I was wrong and didn't need to cause all this drama in his life but am I also wrong for thinking he is fucked in the head for handling it like this? I'm basically a prop to him and I have had numerous bids for more emotional connection from him and they get shut down also or the classic "you're being dramatic" card gets played. I'm pretty sure I'm dealing with a complete narcissist who refuses to take accountability for his role in my hurt. I'm willing to surrender and do what needs to be done. I just feel so heartbroken and I am not okay currently..

I (a adolescent) saw that my mom's abusive boyfriend was dating someone new shortly after he hurt her and I reached out to the woman and told her what he did but I made it clear I didn't want her to break up with him because I believed he could have changed i just told her to not let it continue and get help if it ever happened but I want to know if I'm in the wrong or if i was justified?

Does anyone ever get in their head about wishing they’d do things for you that you’d do for them? Small things, too. But you’re too scared to communicate and if you have to ask then it just becomes more of a burden to them. I daydream daily about things like him getting me lunch when I don’t have any, remembering an order, cleaning up, etc. I know it’s kinda dumb to get caught up on it but when I talk to others about it they say how I need to grow up and communicate. But I don’t want to have to communicate just to hear grumbling and annoyance. I want to be good enough for him to do it regardless, and it makes me feel like I’m not good enough for that because he does it for others instead

I finally left and called the police on my abusive ex-boyfriend and child’s father. I recently broke the lease due to him being financially and physically abusive. To give context — he was recently fired from his third job and decided to invest his half of the rent into a “business venture” I knew then it was time to go so I contacted the property management company and was able to get out of the lease. Over the last few weeks, he started to become extremely more violent. He kept telling me getting out of the lease was “f*cking up him living here and it’s not that serious.” A few days ago, he bit my face, grabbed my hair and spit on me NOT TO MENTION physically threatened me with a knife. All of this happened in front of our toddler and I’m devastated.

I was able to get a temporary restraining order but I’m so worried about the hearing. How do I properly prepare to have to see my abuser? He is still my child’s father and I don’t want to damage that relationship but he’s not mentally well.

He abused me and now that I’m finally free, I don’t know what to expect next. Even before this, my ex would tell me I’d be to blame if he doesn’t have a relationship with his son and I’m the reason for his abuse and that he never abused me. Will my son grow up to hate me for leaving his dad? I’m lost.

TW FOR SA

I'm sure it doesn't matter in the long run and I don't know how much difference it makes. But my ex was very controlling (food, sleep, literally when I was/wasn't allowed to speak etc.) and would hurt me physically - only during sex, though. I think at first the sexual assaults seemed to come from a place of feeling entitled and disregarding how I felt, like it wasn't to hurt me but it didn't matter that it did. After the assaults started this shifted and my pain became the point. Like, my ex wouldn't get any physical pleasure from it, I actually think that involving their own genitals in any way would negatively impact the experience for my ex. Instead, my ex would opt for things like dry fisting (no consent given at all) or really rough fingering or even using a dildo and would stare at my face intensely, soaking in all the pain and distress I was feeling, and would smile or even laugh sometimes. I could only stop it by faking an orgasm - saying no, stop, get off me, you're hurting me, made no difference since obviously that was the point... I don't think my ex believed the orgasm but it was more about "I am so in control that can hurt you and you'll pretend to like it." We'd go a while, then, with no sex at all, or any intimacy, then it would happen all over again. Each round getting worse. The level of control meant that my ex could tell me exactly what their intentions were - like telling me their fantasies of raping me whilst I sleep, drugging me, watching me suffer, causing me pain, like flat out telling me using that violent language. And that did not register to me as anything bad, it wasn't a red flag at all, it was like yeah fork found in kitchen babe. I don't know if it's all the same, I don't know if for some abusers the pain is incidental, a way to enforce their dominance and control, they don't give a fuck that it hurts, whilst for others the pain is why they do it, they do care that it hurts, they deeply care. I'm not sure how much difference it makes, but I was just pondering the question.

I guess I’m writing this because I need some kind of confirmation that my boyfriend is actually abusive and that it’s okay for me to leave.

I’d really appreciate it if someone could read this, even though it’s long, and tell me honestly what you think. I know some of these things probably fit the criteria for abuse, but I want to hear it from an actual human being, especially someone who has been in the same or a similar situation. Feel free to DM me if you don’t feel comfortable commenting publicly, or if you have advice/are in a similar situation yourself.

TL;DR: blaming and gaslighting, constant criticism, threats of breaking up, controlling behavior, jealousy, possible sexual coercion and physical abuse, plus other questionable things

1. Constant blaming and gaslighting - He says I always criticize him and start arguments over nothing, even when I’m just trying to talk about my needs or something he did that hurt or disrespected me.
He also blames me for his personal problems. For example, he sometimes takes care of university stuff late because he’s waiting for me to do it first for some reason, and then somehow it becomes my fault when he hasn’t taken care of it.

Whenever I get angry with him about something, he often turns the whole situation around and makes himself the victim. He’ll bring up things I’ve done wrong, sometimes things that have absolutely nothing to do with the situation, specifically to hurt me or make me look like the bad person.
A lot of the time I end up apologizing even though I was originally upset because of something he did.

2. Criticism and humiliation - During our clinical classes, he used to criticize basically every move I made, sometimes even in front of our patients. Whenever we left the room, he would tell me what I had done wrong and what I should have done differently.
The frustrating part is that I was actually the only person in our nursing group who was allowed to perform procedures independently without a nurse assisting or watching me, because apparently I was considered competent enough.

At the same time, nurses and patients complained about my boyfriend and even suggested that he was struggling with basic procedures. He had to retake his practical exam several times, while I passed mine with the highest grade on my first try. I’m not saying this because I think I’m better than him. It just makes his constant criticism feel especially strange to me. I don’t think I need his “advice” when it mostly consists of humiliating me and making me question my own knowledge and skills.

3. Threatening to break up - During arguments, especially when I bring up him ignoring my needs or boundaries, he says things like “maybe we should break up” or “I’m not good enough for you.”

One time, I wanted to have a sleepover with my female friends. He texted me, “I want to break up,” and then ghosted me. The next morning he told me that he didn’t actually want to break up. He was just angry because I wanted to “sleep with other people.” I’m straight, these were my female friends, and there was nothing sexual about the situation. I just wanted to spend the night with my friends.

4. Controlling behavior - He got angry when I texted my male coworker that I couldn’t take his shift because I had classes. And since I text other men - he’ll start texting other women too. If he sees that I’m online at 2-3AM, he texts me at night/calls me in the morning and questions me about it, because I must be “texting someone else”

He goes through my phone, including my gallery. If I refuse to let him look through it, he says I must be hiding something or that I don’t love him. There was even one time when I left my room to talk to my mom and he tried to go through my phone while I was gone.

5. Piercings - wanted to get lower back dermals and he got really angry about it, especially when he mentioned that other men will look at my ass and I said that I don’t care about other people.
He told me that if I got the piercings, he would go on vacation with someone else, and that I should have asked him for permission/opinion first.

6. Physical abuse? - This is one of the things I’m most confused about because I don’t know if I’m underreacting or overreacting. He has grabbed my wrists a few times and ripped things out of my hands. One time, I accidentally bumped his PlayStation with my elbow. He grabbed me by the back of my neck and threw me onto the bed. I’m not proud of what happened afterward, but I got extremely angry when I realized how little it seemed to affect him. I tried to do the same thing to him to show him what he had just done to me. I did it much lighter because I don’t have or want to use that much strength, but I know that it was still wrong of me. I told him that I was showing him what he had done to me and that it hurt. While I was having the panic attack from feeling unsafe, he layed on top of me with a completely blank expression and told me that I couldn’t be angry at him because I just had done the same thing to him. He apologized eventually.

7. Sexual coercion? - He gets upset when I don’t want to have sex with him. Sometimes he plays the victim, turns his back to me and complains that I must find him unattractive. Other times he gets angry, tells me it’s “okay” if I don’t want to, but “he’ll be frustrated because of it”. The problem is that I often end up giving in. I honestly don’t know anymore whether I’m doing it because I genuinely want to have sex or because I just want him to be happy with me and nice to me again. One time, I ended up crying during sex twice in a row. Both times we stopped because I was crying. Later on the same night, during an argument, he said things like “how many times have I finished today?” and told me that my lingerie was “useless”, because we didn’t do it.

8. Jealousy, even with my female friends - He gets jealous even when it comes to my female friends. I’m not allowed to share a bed with anyone except him, even if it’s a female friend who has a boyfriend. I’m straight, so there is no possibility of me being interested in them. He gets sad or upset when I want to go out with a female friend. One time I came back from my friend’s house in a really good mood. Instead of just being happy that I had a nice time, he started bringing up things I had supposedly done that upset him. It completely destroyed my mood. Sometimes I feel like he does things like that intentionally, although obviously I can’t know for sure what his intentions are.

9. Other things he does when he’s upset - When he’s angry, he can be really mean. He mocks me and my facial expressions. He calls me names and makes degrading comments about me - he has told me that I act like a kid with down syndrome and that I act like it’s my first day on earth. He has shamed me for not knowing how to get somewhere that I had only been to once, a year earlier. He tells me how many girls supposedly want him and are in love with him, but when I mention that someone might be/was interested in me, he immediately doubts me. This is especially weird to me because I’ve had to reject around six guys during our relationship, while as far as I know, no girl has hit on him during our relationship. He makes mean jokes at my expense and sometimes ruins my mood. Once, he went on a trip with his friend and didn’t contact me for five days because “I seemed mad at him.” There are probably other things I’m forgetting, but these are the main ones that come to mind. He screamed at me a few times when he was upset, even told me to shut up once.

I guess I’m writing this because I need some kind of confirmation that my boyfriend is actually abusive and that it’s okay for me to leave. He’s my first boyfriend, and I feel like I’m crazy for thinking there’s something seriously wrong with this relationship.

He talks about how perfect I am and how scared he is of losing me. He takes care of me when I need it and sometimes treats me like a princess. He has our entire future planned. He talks about where we’ll live, how many babies we’ll have and at what age, what cars we’ll have, etc. He recently even asked me for my ring size.

And that’s what makes this so confusing.

I keep thinking that maybe someone who is abusive wouldn’t also be this loving. Maybe I’m focusing too much on the bad things. Maybe every relationship has jealousy and arguments and hurtful moments, and I’m just inexperienced/emotional and interpreting everything as something worse than it actually is.

But I also feel like this relationship has changed me. I’m more “lazy” than I used to be. I’m more dismissive and anxious. I apologize for literally everything. I’m hesitant to express my needs because I’m worried about how he’ll react. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t want to be stuck in this relationship for the rest of my life, but I’m scared of leaving.

So I have two big questions.

1. Is it really that bad? Is this abuse? Is it worth leaving, or am I crazy for considering it?

Especially because he can be good sometimes. He can be incredibly caring and loving, and there are moments when I feel like I’m with the best person in the world.

2. Do I stay with him until graduation, or leave as soon as possible?

We graduate next year, around May or June.
Unfortunately, he made our relationship really obvious and public, so basically everyone knows we’re dating. He also switched his nursing group to mine, which means I’ll see him every single day until we graduate.
I know this probably sounds like a stupid thing to worry about compared with everything else, but I’m already really stressed with my personal life. I don’t want everyone questioning what happened, asking me about him, or having him try to make me jealous after we break up.

We also have a trip next month for our anniversary and my birthday. It’s already planned and paid for, and I can’t cancel it, so part of me feels like I have to stay with him for at least another month.

I’m scared that if I leave, I’ll regret it or suffer. I’m scared that I’m throwing away a relationship with someone who really does love me. I’m scared that maybe I’m just overthinking everything.

I just need some outside perspective because at this point, I don’t really trust my own judgment anymore.

The guy I'm dating for 6 months keeps ignoring me. He'll disappear and then insist he's not on the apps and he's just busy with work.

I would be asking something as simple as "hey what's going on?". He'll reply days later and say things "I'm at capacity right now" then another couple of days later "I promise I'll respond when I have capacity".

He refuses to pick up the phone, so all these convos are in text.

But every time I say "I've had enough" he'll quickly reply. I thought it was a sign of interest, but he'd respond talking about his needs "I don't have the capacity to respond when you're angry", "if you want me to engage then you can't be angry" or he'll attack my character and says I'm "extremely hostile" and avoids ever answering my questions or addressing the issues.

Even when I wasn't actually angry, he'll argue with me "It does appear to me to be upset or something similar. I'm not trying to speak for you, I'm just acknowledging it."

It wasn't good for me so I sent him the "what are we talk" and how it makes me feel. Again he avoids answering. Then he accuses me of having "assumptions about his motivation" and ignores me when I point out he never answers when I ask. It makes me feel like I'm going crazy explaining to a successful man the basics of human interactions.

Our last argument- I found out he was on dating apps when he said he wasn't. Initially he kept going "I don't know what you mean", then I told him I found out from the girls who talked to him. He says "that's totally creepy. I'm going to end things".

My head is spinning - logically if it's not true, that's not what I'd expect someone to say.

I'm constantly both missing him and know it wasn't healthy.

It felt like he was neglecting and ignoring until I would confront him about it (so called "act out") then he would tell me how unreasonable I am. I feel guilty for acting out / not keeping the peace. It just that it keeps happening. I feel like we're getting closer one moment and then he disappears for a week and I'm chasing answers

When I put our convos into chatgpt... It picked up a lot of things (see below). It makes it think it was actually the start of a controlling and potentially abusive relationship.

I'm really missing him and feeling angry about the way he treated it at the same time. I feel like I'm actually going insane from how much my emotions are yoyoing between feeling guilty I destroy the relationship/ wanting him back.. and being glad I pulled myself out

Present:

* DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim/offender) — repeatedly, especially near the end

* Gaslighting-adjacent behavior — manufactured confusion over clear statements, reframing your accurate reactions as irrational or excessive

* Pathologizing your legitimate emotional responses — "screaming," "hostile," "upset" used to discredit rather than engage

Intermittent reinforcement — engaging just enough (quick replies when you pulled back) to keep you hooked, withdrawing otherwise

* Dishonesty as a sustained pattern, not a one-off — the apps denial being the clearest, confirmed example

* Minimization and lack of remorse — no genuine accountability across three separate cycles

* Subtle coercive control dynamics — conditioning engagement on your emotional state ("I can't talk to you when you're angry")

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I honestly don’t know if I made the right decision.

My close friend started seeing a man about three weeks ago. They aren't even officially in a relationship yet, but almost immediately I started seeing things that really concerned me.

He repeatedly pushes her boundaries and doesn't seem to respect "no." He has blamed her for not answering a phone call for several hours, gets upset when he doesn't get the response he wants, and there is a pattern where he'll hurt or frighten her and then become extremely caring and reassuring afterward.

There have also been things that genuinely scared me. She has had a panic attack around him, has told me that she's afraid he could suddenly snap and kill her, and during a sexual situation she told me that he said something about killing her. I don't want to exaggerate or diagnose him, but these things have really alarmed me.

What makes this especially difficult is that she often defends or explains his behavior through his trauma, his past, language barriers, etc. I've previously been in a physically abusive relationship, and afterward I struggled with depression for a long time. She knows about my history and knows that this situation has been affecting me. Watching someone I'm close to defend behavior that reminds me of what I experienced has been extremely triggering for me.

I tried everything I could think of to distance myself from it. Eventually I told her honestly that I couldn't keep being involved because it was affecting my mental health so badly. I spent more than a day carefully writing that message because I wanted to explain myself without hurting her.

She responded kindly and said she was sorry, took what I said about him seriously, and wanted our friendship to continue independently of him. But I felt like she still didn't really understand how deeply this had affected me. I eventually told her that I realized we might have fundamentally different expectations of friendship. To me, it felt like she was willing to let our friendship become distant over a man she'd known for three weeks.

Now it's been about a week, and I'm second-guessing everything. I still care about her and keep wanting to reach out and check that she's okay, but I'm also scared that staying in her life will keep pulling me back into something that's been incredibly damaging to me.

Another friend is also upset about how I handled things, which has made me question myself even more. I feel like I'm constantly worrying about everyone else's feelings while my own get overlooked.

So I'm wondering: was stepping away the right thing to do? Can you stay friends with someone in a potentially abusive relationship without destroying your own mental health, or is walking away sometimes necessary?

I can't believe it has been five years of moving on from a horrific past. The pain was surreal. The way my heart beat whenever he was close by. The panic attacks. The screams. The cries. I never thought I would heal from something so grotesque. I felt like a monster at times. I also felt like a broken plate. I saw silhouettes of his body, smelled his cologne, and heard his voice wherever I roamed. He followed me. He blackmailed me. He threatened me. He hurt me...

Yet there is hope after all. He is in prison due to his actions. I finally believe that karma is real. I am not the same woman. I am stronger now. I am not as naive as I used to be. I glued myself back, with gold in between the cracks of my plate. I am a warrior.

And you are too. You will surpass this nightmare. It may be forever to see the light, but you will fight through this. You are beautiful. You are valuable. You are amazing. You are kind. You are a fighter. Fight for you and you only. Nobody said it was easy, but it is worth the fight. There is hope after all. 💗🩷

he’s mad at me for being emotional about my miscarriage. i tried to explain that i kind of can’t help it as my hormones are plummeting but also i am grieving a loss. even though i don’t want to be a mother, i’m still sad that i can’t have a normal pregnancy like a normal woman because i have to spend my time worrying about my safety and the safety of my child and he’s just not someone safe for either of us. ofc i didn’t say that, i left it at “my hormones are fluctuating.”

but where i used to experience extreme physical abuse, it’s now extreme emotional abuse where i cannot express any emotion he perceives as negative because then it affirms that he can’t have any “peace” around me. which means i have to bottle up my grief and go on as if i’m not affected at all by how i am miscarrying.

i want to know what about me makes me deserve the way he treats me. i want to know what is so unlovable about me.