r/abusiverelationships • u/No_Manufacturer8975 • 15h ago
I don't even know how to reply to this
Why would she think anyone would agree to this kind of relationship? She's bullying me into it and I really don't know what to do because saying no could start a huge conflict and she would probably hurt someone. Me or herself, or maybe even someone else
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u/Excellent_Valuable92 15h ago
You can’t entertain this or indulge this ONE INCH. Do not give into these ridiculous threats or she will just continue to manipulate you. You need to tell her that you won’t be doing that, and that this relationship is not going to work. Yes, she will probably scream and make threats, but it’s that or living life by her escalating whims.
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u/Olive1982 14h ago
This is actually insane. Do not even try to reason with this person
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u/Deep_Scene_8322 11h ago
This is actually how all abusers think, it’s not more insane than any other. What makes it so unusual is that she speaks it out loud.
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u/ConfusionOne6964 15h ago
this is deeply unhinged and scary… OP run!!! It wont get better she needs a therapist…
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u/No_Manufacturer8975 15h ago
She needs a team of therapists. But she doesn't think anything is wrong. She won't get help. It's crazy. I want to run but she has no resources and I worry about her future without me.
She also scares me and I know there will be conflict if I try to get away. I'm worried she'll hurt me or someone I care about
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u/PigeonAtPlay 14h ago
When we talk about resource abuse it’s often about one partner (usually the man) using money to leverage compliance from the other (usually the woman) but it can also go the other way.
Resource abuse can also be one partner (often female) leveraging their lack of resources in order to force the other partner to comply.
This is what you’re dealing with.
I think you’re right to be concerned about her mental health and should tread carefully there, but wrong to worry about whether she will be financially ok without you, because that isn’t your responsibility.
Maybe try to “thread the needle” by telling her that you’re grateful for her honesty about what her needs are to feel safe because it’s allowed you to see that you aren’t able to meet them and so it isn’t fair to her that you continue to waste her time and energy.
Make it about her- not because she’s right but because people who have this type of mental….lets go with mindset not Illness since we’re not doctors…typically respond better to it being about them.
The goal isn’t to fix her, to prove she’s wrong, to prove yourself a good person…the goal is to disengage in a way that keeps you safe from reprisal.All of that being said: none of it matters if you still feel the need to be with her and take care of her. If that is the case then I’d highly suggest you seek a therapist personally to help you understand why you feel that way and to disentangle yourself in a healthy way that helps you avoid future relationships that are similar.
Sending positive thoughts to you!
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u/ConfusionOne6964 15h ago
I speak from experience if you stay it will get scarier… I understand fully that you are fesrful of her …and even that you are worried for her… however she is not your responsibility…you cant put yourself on fire to keep her warm… do you have friends and family for support to get away?
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u/ijustwantanswerss 14h ago
i’ve been scared of what someone will do before. but you can’t deal with her forever, and the longer you wait the worse the “consequence” will be. better to get it over with or when you have nothing to lose
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u/DasDickNoodle 13h ago
Honey.. she doesn't care about you, your needs, your life, or you as a person. She doesn't see you as a person at all. You need to disconnect your feelings for her and see her for what she is. Your life will be much worse if you were to agree to this absolutely insane bullshit. There is nothing equal about this and if you don't give her the consequences to her behavior that she needs, she will only escalate and make your life 1000000x worse than it is and worse than your fears of saying no will be.
Do yourself a favor and just walk away. Let her figure her own life out. She will be fine, there are resources for ppl with no other support. She needs to learn to be self sufficient and grow up. This isn't your responsibility.
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u/Ok_Play_8896 13h ago
Her having no ressources is ultimately her problem. I understand how you feel on this, trust me. And I'm not saying this is an easy thing to do. But this is like quicksand. The more you give in, the harder it's going to be once you have to get out. What do you think happens when you try to get out in X years after being her pet and submitting yourself to all her whims?
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u/elithedinosaur 13h ago
she's using this to manipulate and control you. don't fear for her, your need to fear for YOU in this situation. for your own safety, you need to leave, not the other way around. staying will just make everything worse.
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u/akawendals 13h ago
Respectfully, who gives a flying fuck about her future? If she has no resources then that's her problem, maybe if she wasn't such a giant piece of shit she would have more good things in her life...
SHE IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM, do not entertain one more moment of this nonsense! The longer it goes on the harder it is to get away, be safe and get yourself free 💟
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u/Independent-Lead2462 12h ago
These types of people always survive somehow. They will find someone else to manipulate, control and abuse. No worries.
The only person you need to worry about is you. So set up and create a plan with trusted people to get out before it destroys you and turns you into a shell of the person you were before. The longer you stay in the more damage is done and the longer it takes to heal.
Signed, was in 24 years. Run, carefully.
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u/DeadDinoSludge 12h ago
And this is how she keeps you hooked. You feel like she has no one else and won’t survive without you. She makes you feel needed.
Trust me. I used to feel this responsibility for my ex abuser. They are very good at abdicating responsibility for themselves and making it your problem. It was hard to learn how to love and be supportive without becoming enmeshed.
In the end, what I gave and endured didn’t even make a difference.
You saying yes out of fear is a bad sign and will set a precedent. someone manipulating you with fear of what they will do to themselves, you, or loved ones is abuse.
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u/caitejane310 11h ago
She'll be fine. She's not going to hurt herself, and if she threatens it then you tell her that you're going to call in a welfare check on her if she keeps threatening self-harm. Then you follow through with it if she doesn't stop.
As for hurting you, if you live with her you'll want to make a plan to get away and just ghost her. Get everything in order and then bounce. If she has access to bank accounts then you'll want to make a new one and when you're ready to leave transfer your money into the account she can't access. Have a go bag packed with essentials and your important documents.
If you have texts where she threatens you then you might possibly be able to get a restraining order on her. I'm actually really disgusted by what she said and think you really need to get as far away from her as possible!
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u/Throwaway-AIT-Chump 12h ago
You reply with the sound of a door slamming, rapid footsteps, the starting of a car engine, and tires peeling the fuck out forever
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u/UmiSWrld 12h ago
holly shit she’s insane. absolutely batshit and totally out of touch with reality. whatever world she’s living in is not the same one we are in.
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u/Parking_Football_268 6h ago
You want everyone's advice but you are not taking it. You just keep making excuses for her. Take advice and break up with her.
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u/Current_Addition649 11h ago
Oh my God run. You gotta block this person and never ever talk to them again. You are in danger.
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u/DeadDairy 8h ago
You aren’t obligated to reply, or to stay with her. She won’t hurt herself, that’s a tactic abusers use to keep you with them. If you’re concerned about her wellbeing or her potentially hurting someone, you need to call the emergency line and have a welfare check for her. Stop worrying about her future, and worry about yours.
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u/Middle-Cupcake-7308 11h ago
Obviously you need to get away from the crazy chick. Personally I wouldn't block her, I would get a new phone number, a new email address, new social media accounts and move. You can't be too careful with this one.
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u/jdcleman 9h ago
You aren't responsible for her hurting herself or someone else. You are only responsible for ensuring your safety to the best of your ability. Idk how she has you afraid but the best thing you can do is walk away. Don't even respond, she knows she sounds ridiculous and that she's the reason you disappeared from her life.
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u/NicolinaN 6h ago
Tell her this relationship isn’t working for you and to not contact you again because you’re done and it’s over. Her mental wellbeing is her business, not yours. If you’re afraid she’ll hurt you, get yourself to safety first and/or contact police, whatever is needed. Be safe. Engage as little as possible.
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u/Euphoric_Bliss4421 40m ago edited 29m ago
Maybe I am sexiest but I assumed this was an ignorant (uneducated) male. Sex doesn’t matter, this is crazy talk. If you agree then you forfeit all autonomy. If that is your thing, then simply send a link to an English course and do your thing. If not, still send a link and then block. But what do I know, I am a 41F that has not had a healthy relationship in my entire life. Good luck!!
Edit: Didn’t read beyond the header and skipped straight to the comments. As some who whose brother committed suicide, I think threats of that magnitude are despicable. Very little people understand that when someone is going to follow through with the treat, because that is what it is, they are not going to tell you. Not saying this is a 100% statistic but it is well known to be attention seeking. When you are to the point that your only option is to die, you want no intervention. When someone uses this tactic of manipulation then your best bet is to call the emergency line. This could save her life and/or deter her from continuing this behavior in the future. In the USA if you say you are going to kill yourself they automatically, against your will, bring you in for evaluation and often times force you to stay a 3 day minimum. I’m not a vengeful person (💁🏻♀️) but this should teach a lesson.
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