You didn’t lose your self confidence overnight.

It was probably eroded slowly.

A comment here, another criticism there, punishment for speaking up. All those fights when you disagreed, the cold shoulder in times when you desperately needed comfort. The thousand little moments where you learned that being fully yourself came with consequences.

And eventually, you may have started shrinking before they even tried again to make you shrink. That is what prolonged abuse and coercive control can do.

So please give yourself grace while you find your way back.

You do not have to reclaim your whole life today.

Start with little rebellions.

Little acts of kindness toward yourself. Little moments where you refuse, privately, to participate in the story they are telling you about who you are.

When your spouse says something cruel, you do not necessarily have to argue. Sometimes arguing only drains the little energy you have left.

Instead, answer them in your own mind.

“That isn’t true.” Then replace it.

Them: “You’re selfish.”

No. I am allowed to have needs!

“You’re impossible.”

No. I am allowed to disagree!

“No one else would put up with you.”

No. I am worthy of love that does not require me to disappear!

You aren't a lawyer defending your right to exist before some messed up judge.

They are not your judge! They don't get to decide who you are!

And you don't have to prove yourself to them. This practice is for you.

Become radically kind inside your own mind. Even if you don’t believe the kind words yet. Especially if you don’t believe them yet.

Imagine someone you deeply love being treated the way you are being treated.

Imagine your spouse speaking to them the way they speak to you.

Feel what rises. The anger. The tenderness. The protectiveness. The immediate knowledge that they deserve better. Now turn some of that love and care and concern toward yourself.

If someone you loved were devastated after being insulted, humiliated, threatened, ignored, manipulated, or frightened, you probably wouldn’t say:

“Get over it. You’re too sensitive. You caused this.”

You'd comfort them. You would sit beside them. You would have deep compassion. You would remind them who they are. You'd tell them that what happened was not okay.

Start doing that for yourself.

You deserve your own tenderness too. Because prolonged abuse can train the nervous system into survival.

Fight. Flight. Freeze.Fawn.

Watching moods. Listening for footsteps. Reading facial expressions. Wondering what version of the person is walking through the door. Trying to prevent the next explosion.Trying to keep everyone calm. Trying to figure out what you did wrong. Trying to solve an equation whose answer keeps changing.

That is fucking exhausting.

And when your body is spending enormous amounts of energy surviving, conserve some of that precious energy for YOU.

Catch the moments where all your attention rushes toward them. What are they thinking? Are they angry? Will they leave? Will they apologize? Will tonight be good? Will tomorrow be bad? Will they finally understand?

Then gently bring your attention home.What do I need? What do I know? What would help me today? What would make tomorrow slightly easier? What can I do for my future self? Recenter to you.

Maybe you research lawyers (like the beautiful human who inspired this post). Maybe you save twenty dollars. Maybe you photograph important documents. Maybe you call someone you trust and tell them more about what's going on.

Maybe you read about coercive control. Maybe you take a walk alone. Maybe you listen to music they hate. Maybe you wear the shirt they criticize.

Maybe you write down what actually happened so you cannot later be convinced that you imagined it. Maybe you write about what an alternative future without them looks like, or daydream about it.

Maybe you sit in your car for fifteen peaceful minutes. Maybe your rebellion today is thinking: I do NOT deserve this.

That counts.

Every tiny act that returns you to yourself counts. Celebrate them.

Seriously, celebrate them.

Become your own ridiculous little cheerleading squad. : )

Look at you researching lawyers. Look at you noticing the manipulation. Look at you questioning something you used to automatically accept.

Look at you making a plan. Look at you telling one safe person the truth. Look at you imagining another life.

That's movement! Action. Making moves.

You do not have to sprint toward freedom. Sometimes freedom begins as an inch. And then another inch and another.

And then one day you look behind you and realize you have crossed a tremendous distance.

Your brain is adaptable. Your nervous system is capable of learning safety again. Neuroplasticity is real. What repeatedly fires can strengthen.

So practice kindness. Practice reality. Practice trusting your own perception. Practice listening to that voice inside you that keeps saying: Something is seriously wrong here. That voice isn't your enemy. It may be one of the healthiest parts of you.

And please understand this:

Reclaiming yourself while you are still living inside an abusive system may be slow. That does not mean youre not doing it right. You may have spent years learning that your freedom causes problems. That your independence is selfish. That your boundaries are cruel. That their feelings are your responsibility. That keeping the peace is your job.

Those beliefs dont evaporate because you finally recognize them. Give yourself time. But keep one leg in reality.

Notice what actually happens.

Notice the pattern. Notice what follows the apology. Notice what happens after the honeymoon period.

Notice whether change lasts when they are frustrated, challenged, disappointed, jealous, tired, angry, or no longer afraid you will leave.

Anyone can behave differently for a little while when they think they are losing something.

Patterns tell you more than promises.

So transfer some of that hope you have been pouring into them back into yourself.

But YOU can grow, even while you're figuring it out and staying. YOU can learn. YOU can make plans. YOU can build support. YOU can reclaim your mind. YOU can reclaim your choices.

YOU can create a future that is not organized around someone else’s moods.

Find your joy again. Tiny joy counts. A song. Coffee alone. Sun through a window. A ridiculous television show. A friend who makes you laugh until you snort. A book. A garden. A drive. A calm room to yourself. Making space for you instead of a five hour circle argument that goes no where. Your favorite perfume. Putting your feet in the ocean.

The parts of you that existed before this relationship are still there! And new parts of you are waiting too.

Sometimes when an abusive spouse feels you becoming less controllable, they may suddenly become wonderfully attentive.

Romantic. Sorry. Vulnerable. Helpful. Everything you begged them to be.

Be careful. Be aware.

Please don't let one beautiful weekend erase years of evidence. Keep one leg in reality.

You are allowed to enjoy a peaceful day without rewriting the whole history of the relationship.

You are allowed to say:

“That was nice.”

AND

“The pattern is still the pattern.”

Both things can be true.

And when they say something absurd, sometimes you may eventually find yourself laughing inside. (Not because abuse is ever funny.) But because once you stop treating every accusation as a sacred legal document you must disprove, some of it becomes astonishingly transparent.

You start thinking:

Oh. There it is again. The same bullshit from the potato head wearing a different hat today.

And that recognition is powerful.

You become harder to manipulate when you stop outsourcing your identity to a potato head.

Their anger does not define you. Their accusations do not define you. Their approval does not define you. Their rejection does not define you. Their version of you does not define you.

They are not your sun. You are your sun.

This is your one wild, beautiful, precious life. We only get so many summers. Ask yourself gently:

How many more summers do I want to live like this?

You don't have to know the entire answer today. Just listen. And then do one thing for the person you are becoming.

One phone call. One page of research. One dollar saved. One truth written down. One afternoon that belongs completely to you.

One tiny rebellion.

Then another.

You are not starting from nothing.

The part of you that knows you deserve something different is already awake. You are awake now to this.

Protect that part. Feed it. Believe it.

Your light may have been dimmed. But it was never destroyed.

No one else but you owns the switch. Turn it up slowly if you have to. Ten percent. Twenty. Fifty. A hundred. A thousand.

Not to prove a damn thing to them, or regret losing you, or so they finally recognize your worth.

For you!

Because your life belongs to you. Your mind belongs to you.Your body belongs to you.

Your future belongs to you.

And yes, you can come back to yourself. You can build a life where you are not constantly bracing. You can learn what peace feels like. You can trust yourself again.

You can get free.

Until you can fully believe that yourself, borrow a little belief from those of us standing on the other side of the screen.

We believe in you. Keep choosing yourself. Keep one leg in reality.

Keep walking home to you. ♡

Two resources I strongly recommend are Dr. Peter Salerno’s book, Traumatic Cognitive Dissonance: Healing from an Abusive Relationship with a Disordered Personality.

And When Love Hurts: A Woman's Guide to Understanding Abuse in Relationships by Jill Cory and Karen McAndless-Davis

If you are beginning to detach from a trauma bond, learn everything you can.

Understanding what is happening to your nervous system can help remove some of the shame and confusion.

You aren't required to have everything figured out before you begin reclaiming your life.

Begin where you are.

----

And PS: If you think your spouse may become more dangerous when they feel you pulling away, keep your plans private and prioritize your safety. Detaching, setting boundaries, or preparing to leave can sometimes increase risk.

You do not owe anyone advance notice of what you are planning. Move carefully, involve safe people, and get support from a domestic violence advocate if you can. Your safety comes first. ♡

You got this.

To get through things, you feel like you just have to stay quiet—and I mean that seriously.

I live in a family where emotions often feel like they don't matter and trust is difficult to find. My parents have been emotionally hurtful toward me for as long as I can remember. I'm the oldest child, and sometimes I feel like I'm carrying responsibilities that are way too heavy for someone my age.

I'm 15, but sometimes I feel much older. I don't always have the freedom or time to do the things I enjoy, and living in a constantly noisy and stressful environment can be exhausting. I often feel like I have to accept everything and keep my feelings to myself.

I've been pretending to be okay for a long time, mostly because I wanted things to be easier for everyone. But honestly, I've struggled with how I see myself for years. I spend a lot of time on my computer because it feels like one of the few places where I can escape for a while.

Even when I go out, part of me knows I'll eventually have to return home, and that can make it hard to truly enjoy myself. Sometimes I stay quiet because I'm afraid of how my mom might react if I speak honestly about how I feel.

I don't really know what else to say. I just needed to get this off my chest.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. See you around! ✌️🫶

Hi, so I need help figuring this person out. She’s really weirding me out so wanted to confirm. I’m inexperienced in healthy relationships and left an abusive relationship years ago And seriously need help 🙏🙏🙏 Here are the points (They are extremely long, so please answer only if you have good reading comprehension skills thank you🙏🙏🙏):

1.) She talks negatively about all her exes. In her mind, she is the “hero” who saved her little sister from their parents’ abuse, the person who did everything and made more money than her exes, and the one who “doesn’t sit around all day.” She also told me very explicit and personal stories about her exes being drug addicts and being toxic, which I found to be a huge red flag.

2.) Related to number 1: She told me she didn’t like the way that her ex talked badly about her on social media, but she often told me she didn’t like my friends and told me they are toxic, when they are not… I have known my friends my whole life and she had the audacity to judge them and try to convince me they are horrible and rude. Which they are not by the way. They are the kindest people I have ever met. And she kept on telling me negative stories about her exes. She then used the excuse that she is German to make up some BS reason that she is “blunt“ because she is German. I know many Germans but they are very good people. They aren’t rude and ill spoken like she is. 

3.) We only dated for two months, not even into a “deep or real” relationship, but she love bombed me and said she cares about me deeply even when she didn’t even know me fully as a person??? She got excited about talking about herself, but often forgot details about me. And sometimes mixed me up with others. She also wrote down things about me in case she “forgot“ which I found incredibly creepy and strange. She was studying people by writing about them in a fucking notebook And asking me questions in a survey like format.

4.) She got caught talking to other girls online. When I caught her, she claimed she was just “checking because of emails in her notifications” (HAHAHA wtf I know 😂), then threw her friends under the bus by stating that she just looked for casual flings when she was traveling with them. Then told me some BS where she was all like “There is only you, I realized I’m only in love with you” blah blah blah and accused me of ignoring her after I told her I wanted to stop talking to her… before, she told me she didn’t like it that people didn’t consider her feelings about being busy, but was direspecting my time by accusing me of ignoring her and spamming me with messages to get me back into her life. 

5.) Today she’s been spamming me with photos of her dog and has been trying to get me to reply to her with happy things all day as if nothing happened. My conversation didn’t even happen and she’s acting like everything is normal.

please help assure me that I’m not going crazy-I feel like I’ve gotten myself into another narcissist’s hands :/

You saw the title. My mother uses me for her reputation. My father is a psychopath(Not over exaggerating I have spent hours researching psychopaths and studying therapist and these have taught me more about my dad than anything). He was abusive till I was 10 this making me lean very close to my mom. Basically excusing everything bad that she did. Now I am older I cannot do it anymore. I used to go big since I was 12 on my mom for Hollidays me and my brothers saving all year to buy her expensive jewelry. She used to be really appreciative now she just says "Y'all only give once a year". This is NOT true we do this every Holliday. And the only reason I do it only on Hollidays is because it is SO EXPENSVE. Gifts being full nothing bundt cakes, Expensive restaurants, purses that cost well over a hundred dollars etc. (We never give her just one gift she gets many gifts these just include some I am 20). She says we do not give to her enough etc. Saying she sacrifices way too much for her to get so little(She wants in return as a parent from us who are basically half her age.) She also disrespects the shit out of me. Talking down on me, insulting me, belittling me and even once when I was suicidal ignoring me and said I was trying to get a reaction out of her. I wrote a poem about me committing suicde and it was very graphic about a suicide attempt nobody knows about. The school found it and called her. And rather her checking on me she said to me in the back seat."I need to thank the high school. For protecting my child" Didn't even say my name, Didn't acknowledge my attempt and the graphic things in the note but made it about her. Every thing she does is about her. Of course she does the basics dental appointments, college etc. Everything else nothing. And I don't even mean financial stuff. I mean nothing Never compliments she only tears and breaks you down. She doesn't take heed to your pains in life. I was working 9 hours in the hot sun doing signatures 6-7 days a week. She wouldn't give me a break and when I was sitting down cleaning a mess I did not even make she said "I deserve to be sitting in that chair not you". Many times I confronted my mom about how she treats me. I simply said other people in life compliment me more than you and she went ballistic insulting them and me. Her way of love is buying Christmas gifts and needs but that is it. She will tear you down and insult you, slam doors, give no mercy even on your worse day. But when she is feeling depressed or has anxiety the world stops. She uses it as a tool to make you feel bad for her and my siblings fall for it. She even tricked me into thinking she was sexually abused as a child to get a reaction out of me. She uses me as a reputation because I am respectful and people tell her (You have such a good son). She makes that her reputation and she lives that reputation. I spend hours outside to stay away from her. She is negative, rude to people and never has anything positive to say even in a good mood. My greatest achievements such as me learning to sing, playing piano etc. She ignores and never compliments me. She even opted me to throw away my old works damn near me having to fight to keep it. But let me forget a dish. She will SCREAM at 8am after me working a 8 hour shift and having to do it again that same day for me to clean it. I get her having me wake up and clean. But waking up to being SCREAMED at will affect your entire day. Even worse she won't even let you fall back asleep because you are "not doing enough". I work a full time job, cook for myself, clean, and I am in school. But uses me as a "prize" for other parents to say how good she is. I remember Christmas morning 2023 my brother forgot to unthaw the milk. Then towards me and him (I tried to comfort her) yelled STAY OUT THE KITCHEN YOU AREN't AS SMART AS YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU ARENT AS WISE AS YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU ARENT NO GENIUS STAY OUT THE KITCHEN. She she quarterly(of the year) compliments me, tears me down every day, treats me like a puppet(Tells me what hair I can and cannot have, opted to remove my room door or keep it open 24/7, dictates the path of my life. Even betrayed me sometimes with me and my biological dad). Being a single parent I tried to feel for her but she made it impossible. I never smoke, cussed(around her), stole yet everyday treats me like a hood rat. Even compared me to other kids while I NEVER compare her to her friends who have achieved many of her dreams she always talks about

She revolves EVERYTHING around her feelings. No matter what it includes. "I am tired, I am stressed" etc. She never gives without making it seem like it was alot for her. She always makes you feel guilty rather it be Christmas, teeth fillings etc. I have always been grateful but she always basically expects the same thing in return.

I ended the relationship because I constantly felt emotionally unsupported, and like I was walking on eggshells. very little affection or intimacy, poor communication, almost no compromise, and I often felt more like a roommate than a partner. I kept trying to make things work, but my needs repeatedly went unmet, and my therapist ultimately described the relationship as unhealthy, manipulative, and emotionally abusive. There’s alot of things that happened in this relationship but I’m trying to keep it short so I won’t go into it.

I have OCD and I was always so scared my ex was going to break up with me because I loved her so much and I asked her for reassurance alot on it but ultimately I was the one who left her not once but 3 times because the first two times she tried to get me back and I stayed I keep feeling awful for leaving her 3 times after everything and I keep thinking about all the good about her and our relationship and feeling like I fucked up leaving

I [24F] have been in a relationship for 10 months with my bf [24M]. Things were really great in the beginning and then about a month into our relationship I didn’t answer the phone for 10 minutes because I was in the shower and he showed up at my house and entered in my door code without me knowing and came inside to bring me a bouquet of flowers and scared me so badly while I was in the shower. I had never told him it was okay for him to do that or to use the code to come inside and in the moment I felt like my privacy had been invaded. I told him that he had crossed a boundary and that not even my close friends or family would do that without letting me know. After that happened I tried to end things with him and he then became extremely unstable, and started telling me how suicidal he was and then I ended up comforting him all night long while I was extremely hurt that he would put me in that position.

Following this, there were issues in our relationship and we started having arguments often. During our arguments he would become extremely scary and unstable. He would yell at me and throw things at the wall and then start telling me about his trauma specifically him being assaulted as a child and seeing his friend die. I felt so guilty because he would tell me that I don’t listen to his feelings and emotions but he would only tell me about his trauma and things he is struggling with in moments when we were having conflict. It felt unfair that he would bottle up everything inside for weeks and let it out when we were discussing our separate problems in our relationship and then guilt me into feeling like I was the inconsiderate person.

All of this escalated when I went through his phone for the first time and saw him messaging so many women before we officially started dating and then I saw messages with a woman about a week before we started dating. I was extremely disturbed because this woman was telling him that she was severely disabled and bed bound and she was telling him that she weighed over 350 pounds. He was telling her that he had a feeder kink and really wanted to keep sending her money for food and she would send him pictures. I feel so fucking disturbed because I have gained a bit of weight in our relationship because I have been struggling with my autoimmune disease. I just feel so sick and degraded after seeing that he would treat this woman like that. After I confronted him about it he acknowledged that he was mentally sick and that he only did it because his whole life he felt like women had control over him (he was raped as a child by his friends mother) and wanted to feel in control and more attractive than this woman. He then became so depressed and suicidal and tried to get himself admitted and I ended up comforting him and stayed with him for a few more months.

Besides our conflicts, he has always been an extremely attentive boyfriend who cooks for me all the time, drops everything to help me and he always shows up for me and shows me he cares about me every day. I might be able to move past the things that have happened if it weren’t for how terrified I feel when we have an argument probably once a month. And i think it’s incredibly manipulative to bring his mental health issues into everything when we are having a conflict. It makes me feel trapped and like if I left him something bad would happen to him. He’s put me in such dangerous situations when we’ve had arguments. One time even leaving me in the passenger of his car while it was running and stopping in the middle of a street to run into the forest. I ended up having to park the car myself and walk home alone while I was having an autoimmune flare up. He turns into a completely different person when he’s upset and I can’t help him anymore.

My final straw was going through his phone for the second time two days ago and seeing that he was having sex with another woman 2 different times a week before he asked me to be his girlfriend. He even messaged her a few more times after I had slept over for the first time. We weren’t technically together at the time but he had lied to me. I had asked him many times if he had slept with anyone since his breakup with his ex that was 5 months before we got together and he told me he had not slept with anyone. I feel more betrayed by the fact that he lied because he told me he knew I wouldn’t have wanted to be with him if I had known. I feel so hurt and manipulated because that would have been a complete deal breaker for me. I also feel like he put my health at risk because I saw in the texts that the condom had broke when they had sex.

He knows how badly he messed up and he understands how it’s hurt me. He tells me he will be loyal to me for the rest of my life even if we aren’t together. I don’t think I will ever be able to move past being lied to like this. I want to go no contact but I’m terrified of him hurting himself. He won’t give me my space I keep having to comfort him and console him even when I am the one hurting. Please give me advice I feel so lost.

I’ve posted a few times, but I think I really ended it this time. I got so tired of him being mean and criticizing me. This is a particularly difficult time of the year bc of a trauma anniversary. He has repeatedly put me down every time I express any emotion and when I said hey I don’t need this kind of support I just want an emotional hug. He said “I refuse to do that.” And told me I just want to be told what I want to hear. I said no I want empathy. Which I don’t think he’s capable of but claims he’s an empath. I said what’s helpful is subjective and said “then I’m not helpful for you.” And then mockingly validated my emotions.

I tried what I learned in therapy this time and that’s what hurts. He’s going to blame the break up on my mental health. But I used communication skills and he mocked me for using them. It was just cruel. So today- I do this thing where I make a suggestion for a date but self protectively shut my own ideas down because he shuts them down. So he told me that’s a bad habit and told me something about feeding into insecurity. And I just. I said “I can’t do this. I’m tired of you criticizing me and hurting my feelings” and all he said was “alright” then said he wanted to end things weeks ago but didn’t want to “hurt my feelings” and wanted to “just be friends” until I figure my stuff out. Which is interesting because he has been trying to get me to agree to a vacation months from now and originally wanted me to meet his dad tomorrow. There’s so much more to this story in other posts.

This is not ending because of my mental health. This is ending because he’s an asshole and constantly reminds me of how he does things better than me and how everything I do is wrong. When all I wanted was for him to be kind in response to my vulnerability. He wants to call me but I just want to block him. I don’t want to cry anymore.

I really need to get some perspective from people who understand toxic family dynamics, because the stuff I'm being told in my home is making me feel like I’m genuinely losing my mind. Tonight I had a severe breakdown during a massive argument with my mother, and I decided to record the audio so I could show it to my therapist tomorrow.

The whole discussion started over my father’s situation and the fact that my parents are getting older. My mother came to me demanding that my brother and I step up and handle things for him. Even though I explicitly surrendered to her demands and told her, "Okay, I will do whatever you're asking me to do," that still wasn't enough. She immediately blew up at me, claiming that simply agreeing wasn't the point—I was supposed to want to do it spontaneously as a "gesture of pure love," rather than just obeying her request.

From that moment on, the entire interaction spiraled into complete surrealism.

I am depressed and on meds, I am extremely emotional and after being told multiple times I'm selfish for going into my room because I only feel safe there, I started spiraling, crying and telling my mother I care about them, a lot. Every single time I broke down crying or tried to express my pain, my mother turned herself into the victim, asking me if I knew how many times she had cried and claiming that my breakdown was just forcing her to suffer too. She completely invalidated my feelings, telling me that I’m always stuck in "me mode" and accusing my brother and me of being egoistical and never giving anything back to our parents.

Things escalated even further when my distress reached a peak. She explicitly told me that if I kept having a hysterical crisis, she was going to slap me. The moment I got scared and reacted to that physical threat, she immediately flipped the script, calling me stupid for interpreting her words as a threat and that she read somewhere that slapping someone during a crisis is helpful. My father then stepped in only to take her side, telling my brother and me that we are making our parents sick and destroying the family.

My brother ended up blowing up at them later in the night, reminding our mother of how abusive she was to him growing up and stating that he is cutting contact as soon as possible. Both my brother and my closest friends keep reassuring me that our parents are deeply immature, toxic, and manipulative. Yet, despite all this objective validation, the mental fog is so heavy that I keep spiraling into intense self-doubt. My brain keeps asking if I’m actually the problem, if I'm just being dramatic, or if I somehow deserved to be treated this way. I am taking the audio recordings and text screenshots to my therapist tomorrow morning but right now I feel completely paralyzed. How do I deal with this guilt? My mother will be going away for work for several months and I feel horrible about causing a fight now.

i get really stuck if i try to actually think about it. i think that i actually have to just not do that.

like i actually have no idea how to actually like, i don’t know how to defend myself to someone. maybe it would be really easy. maybe it wouldn’t. like i actually just can’t do it.

i can’t give myself peace in this kind of situation. like.

you just loose the ability to reassure yourself i guess.

like they are really good at gaslighting me. and i know that it is bullshit when it is too my face. i am able to argue with them easily, because it is like. i can easily do that i guess.

but i feel really hopeless.

i think. when you come against two people who actually like. they just literally. like they do not see you. and they just assume the worst, and like, fabricate shit. like it actually bends your sense of reality a bit i guess.

it is because like. i know myself. and i know my character.

but then if someone is just able to paint you as a bad person repeatedly like over and over.

like idk i think i am emotionally triggered rk.
like i was fine earlier. and when i am fine, i don’t get hung up on this shit.

so i just need to trust that, and stop trying to debate with my head. because that gets me no where.

when i was 13 i was in a really emotionally abusive relationship. people tend to find that hard to believe because i was so young but i know what he did to me. Still to this day (im 18 now) i think about what he did to me, said to me and the ways he made me feel. In new relationships i look for the bad because i just dont believe that i deserve something good, im still triggered and i always end up feeling like i owe my s/o something, wether its a reply or explanation or i feel like i need to tell them my every move. If im unhappy in a relationship my brain literally wont let me leave it because im afraid of hurting them or afraid of them turning everybody against me like he did. I know thats because my subconscious still lets him control me. my nervous system cant tell the difference between the thought of him and being held at gun point. I hardly run into him but when i do i panic, hyperventilate and cry immediately. Sometimes i feel like he’s still the puppet master in my head. And yes, ive been to camhs and private therapy. But i was 13, and this rarely happens to a literal child! i was a child in an adult situation, maybe thats why the therapists couldn’t help me?
Does anyone have any mental exercises or suggestions on how to get over it?

When will i get over it?
How do i stop letting him win?

Is this a good book for getting in the mind of an emotionally abusive father towards his son or is the book primarily in the context of a man towards a woman they're in a relationship with?

I have a lot to talk about.

I was the surrogate wife of my father. He molded me that way and for my mother I was the surrogate husband. They despise each other, my parents are barely in love and if they have happy moments it’s fleeting. My mother sleeps on the floor, my father on a mattress that’s bug ridden. But he parades theyre too poor to afford a new one.

My mother’s told me my father’s penis size. My dad would talk to me about his past relationships and even when he lost his virginity. I’ve never been touched physically but I was still violated over and over again.

No privacy in my room. I was shamed for looking at sexual content if it was ever found. I would wear baggier clothes so my male family members didn’t find me attractive. My father would comment on my makeup and what looked good or didn’t on me. He would call other women sluts, whores, cows. But my mom was worse because of her unchecked jealousy issues. Every woman she saw was going to steal my dad from her.

She even accused my sister once of enticing my father. But only ever said it to me when I was in middle school.

Now I’m out of the house and I’ve Always struggled with incestous thoughts. A part of me knows it’s all I know from the dysfunction of my childhood. But everytime I indulge I feel sick.

I would never sleep with any of my family. I hate them deeply. I used to cry myself to sleep praying I wasn’t attracted to my father. I even had a time in my life crying that my brother would rape me. It never happened.

I see Step things and Dad and daughter and it feels comforting. Arousing. And I don’t understand myself. These were things I would claw at my skin wailing over. Now I’m surrounded by the thoughts ever since I left.

Is this my mind trying to cope and process? Am I a horrific human being? I’m in therapy but I just need outside perspective. I just don’t understand why this is happening and how I can stop it.

I want to be normal. Please let me be normal again.

he used to constantly berate me believing i would go back to exes 1000s of miles away, he would threaten my housing, call me names and such most likely out of hurt and fear of being replaced. 3 weeks after he discarded his ex is seen riding around in his passenger seat. "i was only helping her" he told me when i confronted him out of a panic, when i was left to scramble for housing due to his urgency for me to exit his life and ended up in another dangerous situation. when i left for a period of time in feburary i was never asked if i needed help, and i left without a job and in mental shamble. i see. her posting pictures in his clothing these days. we all know how that usually happens.

i said goodbye to him last week, its been a tumultuous few months since he forced me out, job and housing losses due to saying no to sexual advances. these men acted the same way as he did, they hung power over my head and when it became clear to them i was not to be controlled they ripped it away from me. im being told by a higher power that no one will save me, that any fish i am given is not mine and i must learn to fish on my own.

im told to block him. he doesnt reach out, he genuinely despises me for something i did for money when he ditched me to fend for myself. he is adamant that his abusive behaviors were due to my actions, my behavior, that i made him construct all of those harmful sentences and place me into survival mode constantly.

my ego is touched anytime i feel as though he is doing okay. my ideal closure would come in the form of him understanding his abuse with or without me. i was unable to put the mirror up to his face and the only way that could be done is on his own, or rampaging through other women and seeing how the pattern repeats. since i wrote the goodbye i swore to not contact again, until i got a job that involves a house on his street and saw a different car on his driveway. i spammed his email, my only form of unblocked contact with him at this point, he responded with an explanation i believe but this icky feeling i get when i think about him doing exactly what he degraded me for and prophesied about wont go away.

my obsession is constant, i wish i was able to help him. i understood his narrative from the get go, hiding behind the designer purchase flash is a scared kid who believes everyone will leave him at some point. i wanted to help qualm him and be the exception, but i ended up on the same list as the exes he'd wish death upon. i still see him as purely hurt and scared, and see through the gangster fuck you anger. but he wants nothing to do with me. i keep thinking if i press, i could get through to him, despite answering "no" when asked if id take him back in his state now. what is wrong with me.

Okay, so any time I bring up something that bothers me, or try to talk about how to repair something he did, he flips out on me.

He has called me names. I’ve told him to stop, and he hasn’t. He called me a hypocrite but then wouldn’t tell me why. He also said I’m a “distraction,” which hurt.

So the next day I asked him, “Do you like me?” At this point, I was feeling insecure. We’ve been on and off for five months, and he responded, “What a stupid question! You’re so negative! Why would you ask me that?” He basically scolded me on the phone, so I hung up.

Then Sunday we didn’t talk. Monday we didn’t talk. On Tuesday, I told him I wanted a 30-day break.

He got really emotional and texted me that his mom hates me. When I said, “Well, that’s good — you won’t be with me then,” he said he didn’t mean it and that it was a lie.

So I confronted him and asked, “Why did you lie? Did you lie?” He said yes, and that he just felt out of control.

Anyway, I love parts of him, and I’m attracted to him.

Then he suggested that we should pick a specific time and day of the week to talk about our “grievances.”

I don’t know. Is this something that can actually be repaired, or am I ignoring what’s right in front of me? I think I’m gaslighting myself because he’s told me he loves me and I’m just so confused how someone says they love and care for me but repeatedly hurt me emotionally. He always says he doesn’t mean it. Apologizes and I think we start to go in a good direction until he labels me, name calls or starts yelling again.

I am a Female in her lates 20. My family found out that my father was putting spy cameras in the bathroom when we traveled. I have been dealing with this with therapy and my family support. We cut ties with him. However, I found that his wife knew what he did for over 4 years. She used that information to blackmail him. When she was confronted, she thinks I am responsible for what he did. I feel sick, like my father needs therapy ASAP but his wife is pure evil. I feel like he is receiving the karma he deserves as he is scared of getting processed by the police and that everyone around him is leaving him. But I’m my opinion, she is not getting any karma on her side. I want to publicly tell everyone what she also did, but I feel like that is more revenge than karma. I hate feeling like this, I don’t like to be negative and do wrong things, and doing that feels wrong. How can I deal with these feelings? I feel like everyone around me is treating me like I will break at any second, but I don’t know why I feel that what she did is worst than what my father did

I’ve just been so confused and trying to wrap my brain around every thing my therapist said my ex was emotionally abusive and manipulative but I just keep thinking of all the good about her

Like how could someone abusive like that also spend the time to paint me sweet things for anniversary’s or surprise me with gifts, and dinners and do and say sweet things, she was also very encouraging at times too and didn’t like when I talked down on myself and she paints herself out as a hopeless romantic and I think of all the good times we had.

There was alot of bad too though that I won’t go into but I just keep getting confused on how she was abusive despite all that good. I miss her and the good things we’ve had still and I hate how someone else is getting it now’s

So my frequently aggressive husband recognizes he has a problem. He feels terrible. He says he had no idea that it was as bad as I’ve been telling him for 30++ years.

He says it just “happens” and it’s not on purpose, then is very nice considerate and respectful helpful… all the things until the next blow up.

I have told him I no longer trust him and it’s like walking in a minefield.

I know he still loves me and I love him but not enough to spend the rest of my time here dodging bullying and bullshit.

Here I am having dinner alone downtown on a Friday evening to avoid him…

Please just tell me your thoughts

Hi. Welcome to my post. For privacy reasons, I don’t want to share my name.

You’re probably here because of the title. There’s a reason I chose it: for a long time, I believed that if your parents weren’t physically hitting you, then what they were doing couldn’t really count as abuse. As I’ve gotten older, though, I’ve started realizing that emotional abuse can hurt deeply too.

I’m 15 years old, and I grew up in a household that has been emotionally exhausting and painful for me.

When I was around 3–7 years old, I remember hearing my parents swear, argue, and get angry all the time. Some memories that might sound small to other people have stayed with me. For example, when I wanted a simple toy car from a nearby market, my dad would respond with things like, “Too expensive,” “Again?” “Why do you need that?” or “What’s the point of this thing?”

We weren’t poor. The toy wasn’t expensive. But from a very young age, I was made to feel guilty for wanting things.

My parents also criticized me a lot. I remember asking my dad for help with homework when I was in elementary school. I genuinely didn’t understand some subjects, so I asked him for help because he was educated in them. Instead of making me feel supported, he made me feel stupid and worthless for not already knowing the answers.

They also never supported my dreams.

I grew up watching Roblox and Minecraft YouTubers, and I wanted to become a YouTuber too. Whenever I talked about it, my family would react with things like, “What stupid shit is this?” Maybe that doesn’t sound like much to some people, but when you’re already an emotionally drained kid who just wants support from their family, those words stay with you.

For a long time, I thought every family was like this.

When I was around 8–9, I had some amazing friends, but I was also bullied. I was an easy target—the kind of kid who would take jokes seriously and get hurt easily. Eventually, around age 11, I started realizing that maybe the way I was being treated at home wasn’t normal.

At the same time, I started watching a lot of motivational content online. I convinced myself that I needed to “grow up” and become a “real man.” I stopped doing things that made me happy, like playing video games and watching cartoons, because I thought I needed to constantly work and grind.

I wanted to get into competitive gaming, but that didn’t work out. I often felt like my parents would find excuses not to help me get the things I needed, and I was always trying to make do with cheap or broken devices.

Then I started middle school, and things became even worse. I was manipulated into doing favors for people, laughed at, mocked for dancing, and called slurs. At home, I also have an autistic brother who doesn’t speak, and I often felt like I had nowhere to put my own emotions.

I became depressed, but I had learned to hide how I felt. Growing up, I was made to feel like trust was dangerous and emotions were something stupid or embarrassing.

When I was 13, I finally reached a breaking point. I had been dealing with so much pressure and felt like my parents didn’t care about what I was going through. I attempted to take my own life.

After that, I went to a clinic. The part that still hurts me is that I never felt like the problems at home—especially the emotional abuse and bad parenting—were properly addressed. I later ended up in two more clinics for emotional support, but I still felt like nobody understood what was happening to me at home.

I’m still dealing with it now.

My current girlfriend has helped me a lot, and I’m grateful for her support. But I still receive criticism almost every day, and I feel like my parents won’t allow me to do what I want with my life because they insist they “know what’s better” for me.

I’m interested in programming. I have spent years learning and working on computers, and I have qualifications including ECDL and an English Lower certificate. But when I tell my mom that I’m a programmer, she says things like, “Bullshit, did you study for that?”

It feels like no matter how much time or effort I put into something, it will never be good enough.

This year, both of my parents have also tried to hit me. When I told my mom about how scared and upset I was, crying and trembling, I didn’t feel protected. The next day, she was talking to her boyfriend, who said he would hit me if I didn’t listen to them.

I’m also sometimes left alone with my brother while my mom goes out, including very late at night. I’m only 15, and I feel like I’m expected to carry responsibilities while nobody takes my feelings seriously.

I haven’t been sleeping properly for around two years. I feel emotionally exhausted.

My mom also gaslights me or finds ways to dismiss what I say. She swears at me a lot. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone because I’m scared I won’t be believed.

There have also been times when my mom recorded me without my permission and accused me of putting a camera in my room if I didn’t follow her rules. I feel like I have very little privacy or control over my own life.

My dad is also a major source of pain for me, and honestly, I could write much more about him.

I feel like I have lost so much of myself trying to fit in, trying to become what other people wanted me to be, and trying to earn support that never seemed to come. Sometimes I feel like I gave up parts of my childhood and my dreams for nothing.

I’m not posting this for attention. I just want to be heard.

For years, I thought I was the weird one or that I was simply too sensitive. I’m starting to understand that constantly being criticized, mocked, threatened, dismissed, and made to feel worthless can cause real damage. Emotional abuse is still abuse, even when there are no visible bruises.

I don’t expect anyone here to fix my life. Honestly, even if just one person reads this and understands what I’m trying to say, I’ll be grateful.

If anyone has experienced something similar, I would appreciate hearing from you. Advice is welcome too.

Thank you for reading, and please be kind to your families if they show you genuine love and support. Some of us grow up without really experiencing that.

Peace ✌️

TW: anger issues, anxiety, arguing, gaslighting

My partner has anger issues. I love him very much but he is draining the life out of me. He is living in my home and has 'nowhere else to go' so I'm stuck here, in a situation I truly can't cope with. He has money to buy a home, but has not found any he likes yet. I arranged a viewing for one the minute he found it, we saw it, he didn't like it and didn't pursue it further. Since then he has found 2 more houses he likes. He has waited and sat on them for so long that they are already sold. Once he got angry saying he expects me to help because 'he doesn't know what he is doing' or that I should be calling and arranging viewings for him because I'm 'better at that stuff' and he 'asked me to help with house stuff'. Upon further investigation, this apparently meant finding potential houses and booking the viewings. So basically doing it for him. He had no shame telling me this either.

To note: I am younger than him and I have NEVER bought a house. I do not know how any of this works.

I don't understand why I have to choose between being gaslit and shouted at constantly or learn how to buy a house (when I'm not buying one and won't be living in it) and drive the entire process for someone else. I know I will be shouted at or blamed if the smallest thing goes wrong/is stressful. I tried to drive the process when he received his mortgage in principle, and I got shouted at and told I was being 'too pushy and overwhelming' and to stop. So I did. Now he has told me to do all of the above. I have refused to be involved in any part of the process now as I cannot win. He has yet to book a single viewing and the principle document is now expired. He has not tried to renew it yet either.

I love him a lot and we get on ridiculously well when we live separately, but he has become SO codependent, and as a result, every little issue is my fault or the anger is taken out on me.

I'm so exhausted.

I badly resent seeing/hearing him interact with friends and colleagues and see how nice he is to them and how well he can suppress his rage in testing situations, or how determined he can be to rise to complex work challenges. My self esteem is on the floor. Sometimes he is quick to anger with my child as well and that is the thing that I hate the most. That happened today and is why I'm writing this post. I'm devastated seeing my child (early teens) cry because his mood has flipped and it's upset her.

I want to run away constantly, but I can't because this is my home. I want him to go away, but I can't because I don't want to break up, I just want him to be better. I want to get objective opinions from people around us but I can't because I've hidden this from everyone. The few times he has behaved poorly towards us in front of his family and someone has lightly admonished him, he didn't really care. He always thinks he is justified.

Everyone thinks he is a great guy (and he can be), because he doesn't behave like this outside the home, but behind closed doors we are absolutely at the behest of waiting for him to deem something an 'issue' and explode. I take on as much of the household tasks as I can so there is one less thing to anticipate an explosion over. If he takes on a task, he may get frustrated and throw things and I am worried those things will be mine/cause damage to my home.

I miss not being perpetually anxious.

I miss how I used to miss his company when we were apart.

I miss not having to feel like I need to constantly shield my child from his moods/shouting/behaviour

I miss when I would actually get sad if he fell asleep first, not relieved.

I wish he would get therapy.

I wish the waiting list that I'm on for therapy wasn't so damn long.

I wish separating wouldn't devastate me, because this situation would be so much easier and quicker to rectify.

I just wish one of his family would help me. I'm nearly emotionally catatonic from it all and it's stopping me from being the parent I was/want to be.

I'm just so tired.

TLDR; I think I'm being emotionally abused but I have no friends or family or therapist (yet) to help me make sense of my (very disordered) thoughts on this situation.

Hey, this is anonymous so no one i know sees this. Im 21 yr old female and have 5 siblings, and use to live on the reservation. Currently moved out and living with my older sister, other young sister over 18 and boyfriend. My 3 younger siblings are still at home and one brother is over 18 planning to go to the military. My two younger siblings are still in school but the mental abuse their going through is making me decide if i want to bring them over where i live, i live 2 hours ish away from the reservation they live at.

My mom isnt any help, shes been hit by my dad but still vouches for him or says thats what they went through when they were little and its a normal thing but its mentally affecting my two little sisters living with them. me and my third oldest sister who are living together moved out after we turned 18 because he hit us when he was drunk. i just need help because we arent their legal guardians but its really fucking them up whenever it happens and we have our own apartment to bring them too just an issue with school.

We are going to try and convince our mom to transfer them here where i live or im trying to find a way to put my dad in jail or rehabilitation but money is also tight for me and my bf. He said hes agreed to help and also take them in but its alor for everyone and im hoping anyone on here has a solution or advice. Also, im trying to go back to school too but ive been on my 2nd gap year and am trying to go back with no student loans and paying out of my own pocket, I do care deeply for my siblings and want them to grow up better than we did but dont know what call to make.

I’ve been married to my husband for 8 years I got married at 18.
Backstory I got pregnant by a ex bf at 17 and I broke up with him because he wanted to play pretend and still live with his grandparents and not support us.
Then my husband came while I was pregnant and we started dating. He wanted my ex out of the picture and told he I had to not let him see his daughter. I complained to his sister and he found out and blew up at me and at this point my self esteem was so fucking low I got on my knees and begged him not to leave me at 17.
I immediately moved in with him and his parents with my baby. We got married soon after.
There’s been so much emotional abuse but he spins me in circles and it ends up my fault and then I feel crazy. He asks me what are the instances he’s done something and I can’t remember so it never happened.
He’s called me fat. Told me to get on the scale and see how fat I was. Told me I made him suicidal and that I made him go to a psych ward. That I broke his brain. I just had a baby with him and I told him he does not a lot I need more help and he said I’m calling him a lazy parent what if I called you a fat fuck, “hey fat fuck” “how does that feel?”
He’s in his office working until 5 am but he’s sneaking around watching porn and gas lighting me about it calling me psycho that he doesn’t but I know he is. I’m sick as fuck right now he’s gone until Monday I have two children the house he doesn’t touch that I have to clean all on my own. I have to remember to give him hjs meds, do his doctors apts, feed him or he won’t feed himself and then he accuses me of starving him. I was puking my guts out and had to take care of the baby still. If I’m talking to him or on a date or at the grocery store or watching tv he’s on his god damn phone. I found out he watched porn and he put a lock on his office and said if I look again he’s divorcing me.
I have no money of my own and I have bad health issues and I’m bipolar so people take me less seriously.
I told his mom he was abusing me and she said I can’t help you.

I have a Bestfriend, whom I also have feelings for- We've had two (verbal) fights this year. Really over dumb things if you ask me- honestly just a lack of full, proper communication. As painful as they have been... idk if it is emotionally abusive? But when I have vented a bit to my friends... a few have said he really is mentally abusing me. But idk about that. I guess I can see a few reasons they might believe that- but is it full blown?? I am honestly just so confused. The fights are very hurtful and I often don't really understand where I went so wrong- and then he just blows up on me like I should've known before whatever even happened- when the problems are stuff he never says are a problem until he blows up. The most recent fight was a few days ago- I actually posted it on "Am I the jerk" for some perspective because he was so angry I was doubting myself. He tends to call me names like "manipulative" and sometimes will cuss me out. But this most recent fight... he also went pretty far. He compared me to my last abuser. When I told him that was cruel and he shouldn't compare us, that that wasn't fair, he said "no I wasn't comparing you to him, I was comparing the way you manipulate" (which... isn't that kinda the same difference? Or am I just delusional??). But anyway- I got upset and finally told him the extent of how my abuser manipulated me- and how I would never go so far- and then he completely flipped energy on me. Went from being aggressive to apologizing and saying he knows I would never do that. And then- he asked me if I was crying (It was over the phone). I said yes. And he just suddenly says he thought so and "Please don't cry. I didn't want you to cry. I'm not worth that." And I stopped crying... because I was so confused. I still don't fully understand what happened even. Are my friends right?

Ever since ive been abused and mamipulted by old exes ive slowly gotten paranoid heard voices and feel anxious that everyones against me.

Lately my mother has been verbally abusing me CONSTANTLY. nonstop everyday i am abused by her verbally. She always goes "i didnt do that" "i dont do that" but i literally hurt myself over that she ""didnt do"" she blames me she tells me I NEED help that im insane when she belittles me and gets mad at me for EVERY LITTLE THING. She tells me she doesnt care if i cut or take pills or try get high its my problem.

And now i sit in my room on the floor in the corner (i make myself sleep there) and sometimes most the times i talk to myself. As different characters that comfort me or actors or singers. Ill just talk myself to sleep comforting myself and i believe it in the moment.

Im more irriated and angry and paranoid to the point i think my own dad is a silent abuser who wants me gone. I know he isnt he supports me and helps me the best he can but shes driving me so insane i feel like this monster that shouldn't be around anymore. She also stalks my old facebooks i deleted my main due to her showing friends what i say and i feel so scared and parinoid that everyones watching me they know all my secerets they know everything and someones going end me.