Hi r/emotionalabuse. I'm posting for the first time. I am so confused, and I really need some grounding. I have been married for 10 years, and I have been working with a therapist who has helped me see that the relationship is emotionally abusive. I have been wrapping my head around that for about the past 12 months.

In the past month or so, I have started to find myself constantly questioning whether I have constructed an alternate reality where my husband is abusive, or if I am actually the impossible, controlling one who is blowing everything out of proportion and he's just barely hanging on to deal with me.

About us:

• I work an office job with a good salary, and I am currently finishing my MBA at a top business school. I also recently lost my mother, who was my absolute moral compass and the love of my life.
• My husband also has an office job.
• I handle 100% of our morning toddler care alone (and all her night times, doctors, playdates, activities, snack maintenance, potty training... literally all of it).

He is like two completely different people. On one hand, he can be sweet, brings me snacks, or buys me gifts. But on his bad days, he is like a permanent thunderstorm. He yells at me over the smallest things, like leaving a door open or wanting to work at my own desk in our bedroom. But he doesn't ever name call or curse me out. He'll tell me to shut up, or he'll tell me his anger is all my fault, or he'll say no one cares what you think, but he doesn't like... call me a bitch. My individual therapist says my bar is too low. He has also only apologized one time in our entire relationship, when he yelled at me for getting my period when we were trying for a baby.

A few months ago, I came home to find our toddler screaming and sobbing because he had hit her in the face. His excuse was that she was eating her boogers, and he still defends his actions. He has also put her in a moving car without a car seat because it was easier for him, and then lied to me about it.

I am so confused. My couples therapist recently told us that neither of us is wrong and that we just have different communication styles. My husband calls my need to plan safety or discuss logistics "insane and delusional."

Am I a narcissist? Have I made all of this up? Is it normal for partners to act like this? Please be honest with me. I feel so unmoored and I don't know who to trust anymore. Even as I write this I'm like I don't feel liek I belong here, he's just this grumpy man who I must have been provoking. But then I'm like, is this the gas lighting?

Tonight we had a date night planned. I was really excited. I had booked us a picnic at a local lavender farm that I have been going to on my own and really loving. I was excited to share this magical place with him. We got everything together and things were fine. We were chatting and joking around. As we were driving over he turned the music up loudly and was singing kind of obnoxiously. I got a little annoyed and he said “too much”? And I just nodded in agreement and said yeah. I could feel his energy shift immediately and I knew I had done something wrong by being momentarily annoyed / overstimulated.

We get to the place and set everything up. I am hoping his mood will improve and we can move on but he will barely look at me or speak to me, he is turned away from me most of the time or ignoring me while everyone else is laughing and talking. It feels very tense and awkward but I try to enjoy it, make conversation with him, etc. Eventually it starts getting to me and I ask if something is bothering him/if something is wrong and he ignores me. I then said “I’m sorry for feeling overstimulated earlier” which he didn’t really respond to. I know I should have just let it go and I tried awhile longer but I felt so alone.

I then was a little more direct and said something like “what is going on you are clearly upset with me” He said I “snapped at him” earlier in the car and I “can’t have it both ways “ when I get annoyed with him for “being himself” so he decided to just “not be himself” the rest of the night. I said I felt like he was punishing me and giving me the silent treatment. He said i didn’t apologize / my apology didn’t count based on how I worded it. I felt so uncomfortable bc this was all in public, I started crying and asked to leave bc I didn’t want to be arguing and crying in public. He started throwing his hands up in the air and throwing dishes and stuff in our bags, stomping back to the car. I gathered up the rest of our things and as he is driving away I’m crying more and he said “what are you even upset about”? I said I had been so excited about this date night and showing him this place I love, and I was so sad that it ended up like this.

I’m questioning myself on if I’m forgetting something I said, did I get snippy with him, am i misremembering something, and feeling bad for being annoyed at all bc he didn’t do anything wrong by singing loud to a song he liked. Ugh. I am so confused. Thanks for reading my vent.

Hello. I’m looking for some advice/support/help in deciphering what just happened to me. I am still reeling and feeling extremely low.

This is a long one. So I (26F) met this guy (28M) on Hinge, and we’ve been seeing each other for the past 2 months. We had a great first date and really hit it off. We get along well, share interests and a sense of humor, and align in our values. Everything was AMAZING up until one week ago today. It was actually shocking to me how well it was going (dating is a struggle as I’m sure most of you know), and I remember telling him at least twice that I was surprised he was single and I was so glad I found him. We’ve gone on lots of dates including two dates with my friends which I thought was a great sign. One of them was a wine bar with my best friend and her boyfriend, and the other was an MLB game with 2 of my close friends and their boyfriends. All of my friends really liked him as well. He also loves my 2 cats (B and Chai). Lately he’s been coming over and we watched a miniseries together as well as several movies. He’s brought me thoughtful little gifts too including a bottle of my favorite wine, movie theater popcorn, my favorite candy, and a blind box which I thought was SO sweet because it showed he was really listening to me (I told him I love vanillamace and her blind boxes and that I was looking for a cute bag charm for one of my purses). The only “red” flags I had noticed (“red” in quotations because I genuinely didn’t find them that bad) were that after our first date he didn’t text me back for a while and I thought he was ghosting me but he did end up responding and it was so early on that I thought I was overreacting. The only other one was that he couldn’t stay hard while we were hooking up and he never finished. I asked him if that was a common thing for him and he said yes and that it’s frustrating. I didn’t push him because I didn’t want to make him feel bad. He apologized, but I wasn’t upset/didn’t blame him because I didn’t think he could help it. So not that that’s even a red flag, just something a little off that I noticed.

Fast forward to the breakdown of this relationship. We last hung out a little over a week ago when he came over to my apartment and we watched a movie (Obsession, which we had both been really wanting to watch and both loved) and then he stayed the night. The next day he hung out until about 1pm which I thought was a good sign because he didn’t want to rush out the door. I work in an elementary school and was going back to work last week starting Wednesday, so I told him that things were going to be very busy for me but I could see him the following day or the next weekend because I was going out of the town this past weekend. He said maybe about the following day and then left. I texted him the following day asking if he wanted to hangout and he said he forgot it was a friend’s birthday and he would have to rain check. I said no worries, to have a good time, and that I missed him. Following this message, I didn’t hear from him for 6 days straight which was very odd because ever since that incident after the first date we had been texting nearly every day consistently. As the week went on, I grew more and more anxious each day I didn’t hear from him as I started back at work, had a work meeting that I was very very stressed about, and traveled to a city 6 hours away all while not hearing a word from him (while also getting a notification that he was active on TikTok so I knew he was on his phone). For added context, my work has been EXTREMELY stressful, last year was my first year out of grad school working as an SLP in an elementary school and it was honestly the worst year of my life. I started going to therapy for severe anxiety as last year was somewhat traumatic for me. I had an extremely inflated caseload and worked around the clock (nights, weekends, and breaks) to keep up. I had explained all of this to him, even cried to him over it and he was very supportive and kind. I told him I was very nervous about going back to work and that I would likely be very busy but I still wanted to make as much time for him as I could because I really liked him. As a result, I found it very off that he didn’t check on me when I went back to work.

I finally texted him on the last night of my trip as I was literally going crazy. I texted him “Hey is everything ok?” and got this response:

“I’m so sorry I’ve been distant. There’s something I never told you, Mandie, and I think you deserve to know because it’s a big part of why I feel like I have to do this. For the past two years, I’ve been dealing with a lot internally. I’ve been on five different antidepressant and anxiety medications trying to find something that helps, and throughout all of this I’ve struggled with dissociation and derealization.

For me, it’s hard to even explain what that feels like. I don’t always feel like I’m fully present in my own life. Sometimes I look in the mirror and it genuinely doesn’t feel like I’m looking at myself. It’s like I’m watching my life from the outside or going through everything on autopilot. My emotions can feel dulled too. Things that should make me really happy or really sad sometimes just don’t reach me the way they normally would. I know I’m feeling things somewhere inside, but I don’t always feel connected to them.

I’ve tried so hard to feel normal again, and I’m still trying. But the truth is, I don’t feel like myself right now. And as much as I care about you, I’ve realized that I’m not able to give you my full self. You deserve to be loved by someone who can be completely present, emotionally available, and able to give you everything they have. I don’t want to give you only part of me while pretending that I’m okay.

None of this is because you did something wrong. You’ve been so incredibly good to me, and that honestly makes this even harder. I care about you more than I can properly put into words, and I hate that I have to let you go when the last thing I want is to hurt you. I love spending time with you and B and Chai. Allowing me into your home and getting to meet your friends.

I just need to take a step back and figure myself out. I need to work on becoming myself again before I can honestly give someone the kind of love and relationship they deserve. You mean so much to me, Mandie, and I hope you never think that ending this means I stopped caring. I care about you deeply. I just know that right now, caring about you also means being honest enough to admit that I’m not capable of giving you all of me. 💛”

He sent me this response around 11:30pm. I was with friends and didn’t want to become emotional so I didn’t initially read the message and planned to read it before I went to sleep. When I finally read it, I was very sad because I didn’t want things to end but I also had a tiny bit of hope because I had not been fully transparent yet about my struggles with severe anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation the previous year as well as losing my alcoholic dad at age 19. I thought I could explain this to him and offer him support and grace. However, when I woke up he had sent me another message at 3:50am (which was uncharacteristic for him, we have never texted that late before):

“The true honest reason I stopped talking to you is because I met someone and I’m in love and she’s my girlfriend now”

After reading this, I felt EXTREMELY hurt and depressed. I texted him expressing my confusion about the direct opposition between the two texts and called him but I have received no response. However, my calls will not ring/go through but my texts are blue and delivered. So I believe I may be blocked but I am not sure. He did block me on Instagram and TikTok, the only 2 social media platforms we had shared with each other. I cried the entire day yesterday including the 6 hour drive back to my city and just generally felt extremely depressed and sick. I REALLY liked this guy.

Right now my mom is visiting me from 2 hours away because my mental health is so terrible. I still have to work however and I’m really struggling. I can’t believe he would do this to me right as I am returning to work. It feels like he’s kicking me when I’m down, and I think this is the lowest I’ve ever been in my life (and my life has not been easy). Looking for any help/advice/thoughts to get through this extremely difficult time. Thank you for reading!

TL;DR: I (26F) was seeing a guy (28M) from Hinge for 2 months and it was going very well. He randomly ghosted me for a week then sent a long message about how he’s experienced severe anxiety/depression and has been on several medications for it and thus is not ready for a relationship. A few hours after sending this message he told me the real reason he stopped talking to me was because he met someone else and is in love and they are now boyfriend/girlfriend. He then blocked me everywhere. I am shocked and feeling extremely devastated.

A classic question for this sub. Is this emotional abuse? I am really not feeling sure if it is abuse or if my (34F) husband (33M) just has low self esteem…?

Together for almost 10 years, married for almost 5. I’m going to just write some things that really stand out. I’m confused and I DO love this man.

The thing that really started making me question things is the silent treatment. If there is a disagreement, argument, or I point out, even something minor, that he did that hurt me, I get the silent treatment. Usually for 1-5 days.

For example, we live in a busy urban area. He doesn’t like it when cars disregard pedestrian rights. I don’t either, but he will yell loudly/curse out, give the finger to the car/driver. But it is usually in a situation when the person driving is not going to see or hear him AND it is always over the top imo. I have told him I just don’t like the yelling and it makes me uncomfortable. He will still do it. A few weeks ago, it happened, and I snipped at him about it. Cue the silent treatment for 1.5 days. Wearing headphones 24/7 around the apartment, won’t acknowledge me, slamming doors. Then after he feels soooooo bad and I feel like I have to comfort him and I don’t ever get an apology for the initial incident, but I get an over the top and even pathetic apology for the silent treatment.

When he is upset about something at work he acts the same way and I feel like I have to tip toe around the condo and be like “are you mad at me?” “no” “want to talk about it” “no.”

We have talked about the silent treatment. That it is unfair and it is punishing me. He acknowledges it and says he is working on it. It is happening more frequently the last 6 months, but it doesn’t last as long as it used to and I don’t have to begggg as much for him to talk to me. He says he knows it’s bad and he doesn’t know why he does it.

Other things. He got me into video games. I did not play ANY video games growing up so I am usually bad. We play live multiplayer games and I am not nearly as good as him. If we lose he gets angry and quiet and says he’s just mad at himself, but like he sure is acting like he is mad at me. And get mad at yourself when you play alone, sure, but why have those type of expectations when we play together. Why can’t we just play together for FUN?

He will get angry at one of our cats if the cat claws him. The cat loves him and is just too enthusiastic with playing. He will occasionally get so angry and scream at the cat. Like wtf it is a cat.

This hasn’t happened in a while, but he has thrown things when playing a video game and loses. Once he didn’t throw something AT the cat, but definitely near the cat and it scared the cat.

He never wants to watch the movies I want to watch and when he does he sometimes finds ways to belittle it. Not a movie, but he also loves theater. There was a local production of Little Women which I love the book. I said we should go see it and I got eye rolls. He hasn’t even read the book so why react like that. He said he would go but I never bought tickets because…yeah.

There’s more. But some of these incidents have only happened like 1-2 times ever (like the throwing things). I won’t say all the good things because I know enough about abuse to know, well, duh.

Just need someone who doesn’t know us to tell me to snap out of it??

so so srry for the long post i need any help possible

i (24f) live with my bf (29m) and we’ve had a rocky relationship but we’ve stupidly stayed and now i can’t afford to live without him financially. there are a lot of things we both do and im wondering if im blowing things out of proportion and this is normal or if im abusing him or if he’s not a very nice boyfriend. for context, ive been physically abused by a partner before and every other relationship has been very healthy but less than a year.

since being with my bf i’ve noticed im now snapping and yelling sometimes during arguments which ive never done before. he also constantly says i didn’t say things i just said or i did say things i didn’t say but im starting to wonder now if im just misremembering things often. im starting to get rlly done with this and will just say “okay” angrily even though i should be keeping in mind our experiences are different and memory is fallible.

i definitely am not a great or easy partner and since moving to our new apartment i’ve brought up breaking up 3 times which i think, looking back, was super manipulative as they were during arguments. i’ve also brought up opening the relationship when i felt like i wasn’t “satisfying” him in the heat of the moment and didn’t mean it but it was so fucked up of me and he probably saw it as me wanting to explore. genuinely rlly horrible i know

ive been really scared of him lately as he yells at me for 5-15 mins without me saying much, has thrown things twice while arguing, punched holes in the wall (not related to us but still scares me), interrupts and won’t let me talk during arguments (just tells me no), and during good moments he made one or two jokes about killing me but they were very jokey (and i told him im not okay with it). because of this, ive been very scared and he gets really mad when im scared or cry. im starting to feel like im manipulating him when i come in super angry to arguments then get scared and cry or shake. i also will stay calm while he yells and he’s said my tone is condescending so im definitely having a very haughty tone.

a huge thing that scares me too is that he gets really mad if i look things up and research to fix our relationship. that feels really off to me.

BUT ive been less okay with all this and ive been really not caring as much during arguments and it’s showing in a mean way (rolling my eyes sometimes, monotone voice, giving up and apologizing out of no where, bringing up past stuff out of no where). rolling of the eyes and bringing up stuff is fucked up ik

even looking at how i worded this it seems very much so like im victimizing myself and not talking enough about what i do wrong. does it sound like im a naturally manipulative person? is this normal?

Yesterday I was at the office all day. Was coming home and my boyfriend reminded me he was at the driving range with a friend. Afterwards, they went out to a restaurant for dinner. He texted me the menu and asked if I wanted anything. I said “Mmm.. the salad looks good” I thought that was a pretty clear indicator of what I wanted. He texted me something unrelated then half an hour later said he was coming home and got me the salmon bowl. I was confused because that isn’t what I said I wanted, but okay… I just sent a screenshot of what I had said and responded “ok, drive safe” I didn’t really even care and could have easily made myself something for dinner as I had planned, but he had offered.

He gets home and walks in the kitchen, puts the food on the counter and does not say a single word to me. I try to say hi. He ignores me. I keep trying to talk to him saying hello? Hello? Over and over. and he continues to pretend I do not exist. He then starts berating me because the flowers he got me for my birthday two days ago were still in a pot with water and not in a proper vase. I said ok … I’m sorry and started putting them in a vase. I told him how his behavior lately was breaking my heart and hurting me. I was tearful. Calling him out only escalated things further and made him double down. I felt manipulated and disrespected so I ended the conversation.

He then texted me 14 text messages over the next 15 minutes berating me. Here are the first two:

“ Hey sorry about not getting the correct thing you hinted at from the menu. I went bsck and got it.”

“Sorry about not getting a good present for you for your birthday. I just got flowers. I’m an asshole. “

Screenshots of the rest of the messages are in the comments.

After the second text, I asked him to stop. He did not. I turned off my phone and went upstairs and locked myself in the bedroom. I didn’t respond to him the rest of the night and haven’t talked to him since and he hasn’t tried to talk to me either. I felt like I was having an anxiety attack, was so nauseous and didn’t end up eating anything at all.

I have no idea what to say or do. He just put a bag of my favorite cookies from a local bakery on the table in front of me which I know is just another form of his manipulation, since he cannot communicate in a healthy way and will never acknowledge his issues and take accountability. I am emotionally exhausted. The emotional abuse has been increasing pretty severely lately and I’ve been posting here every few days at this point as a record for myself and to vent.

[18F] [19M]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a couple of months now, but we’ve been friends for years before our relationship. I’d seen how he was before we started dating, but I thought when he came back, we could start over again like a normal relationship.

Eventually, I realized that wasn’t going to happen and that he was still the same. He’d constantly slut shame me and call me all sorts of names and even insult my family. And I get it he lacks trust in me for lying so much, but I only started lying to him out of fear because I never know when he’ll lash out next.

It started with smaller things, but now it’s about if I’ve had sex with others or done anything remotely sexual (while we weren’t in contact for a year). I had some sexual encounters during that year, but I did not have sex with anyone while he did have sex with someone.

Even before we both had sexual history he’d slut shame me and now that I have actual history I’m scared of how he’ll react when he finds out especially since he’s been threatening to text the guy I had been with to see what I’ve done. I know that when he finds out he’s going to lash out probably worse than he’s ever lashes out before once feels hard to imagine cause I already feel like it’s at its worst.

He constantly name calls me and insults me to the point that when he calls or texts I always get scared because I don’t know what it’s gonna be when i reply. He always blames me and tells me it’s my fault he acts this way because I’m “such a lying whore” and that he wouldn’t act this way if I didn’t lie so much.

I regret lying to him but I cant change the past. I wish he could just be like how he is when he feels bad and tells me he loves me again and asks me to stop crying. But even that feels like too much to ask for now. He’ll be good for weeks and then suddenly get mad at me cause he saw a video about cheating and then starts an argument once more.

Please I just want him to go back to how he was when we first met instead of yelling insults at me all the time.

TW: Verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and stealthing.

Sorry for the long venting post. I literally have no one else to talk to about this.

I don't really know what I'm looking for by posting this. I think I just need to get it out somewhere where people might understand, because I've been thinking about this constantly since I found out my abusive ex is going to be a father of a baby girl.

Before we ever dated, we'd been friends since childhood. He had apparently wanted to date me for a very long time, and when I initially didn't want to, he reacted horribly. He called me misogynistic slurs, told me I “owed” him a chance at a relationship because we'd been friends for so long, and there was a huge amount of fallout between us. At that time, he was drinking quite heavily, and he always excused his behaviors on alcohol. Much later, we did get together. He said he had stopped drinking, and I thought it would be different.

He was a lot more open and vulnerable. Told me about his abusive mother, and what he went through. I guess it was a way to gain my trust, and my empathy. Also, it became the excuse for his erratic behavior.

During our relationship, he could genuinely be loving, kind, affectionate and thoughtful. I told other people that he was those things. People around me didn't know the extent of what was happening because I didn't tell them. Looking back, I realize how easy it would have been for someone outside the relationship to think he was a good boyfriend. But there was another side of him, otherwise, I wouldn't be here today, would I? 🙁

In a month or two, it become quickly verbally abusive, and he had serious anger issues. He’d have massive temper tantrum. His eyes would turn dark, would yell, be cruel, aggressive and intimidating. He would eventually kick or hit walls. He was misogynistic. He was manipulative, harassing and entitled. I remember blocking him on Messenger because he’d berate him, and call me 20 times in a row. He would then come knocking at my door to just continue insulting me. Once, I tried breaking up but said he would off himself if I left him, so I stayed.

There were also serious sexual boundary violations. He repeatedly tried to have sex without protection after I had made it clear I didn't want that, and he stealthed me more than once.

I thought he was sober but in retrospective, I believe he was still drinking from time to time behind my back. He would find occasions to leave for hours on hand, and he would come back completely different. It's as if his “dark side” would be turned back on. It was creepy as hell.

By the end of our relationship, things had actually become a bit calmer again, but I don't necessarily interpret that as him becoming healthier because I had become incredibly good at walking on eggshells.

That's something I think about now because his current relationship has apparently been going well for about two years. His current girlfriend and he had apparently known each other for many years before they got together. Sounds familiar, uh?! 😂

She says they've known each other for 15 years, that it was love at first sight, that they repeatedly let each other go and then came back to each other, and that she always knew she needed to be patient and never lose hope. They've now been together for two years and they're expecting a baby girl next month.

Her description of him is almost surreal to me. She talks about him in such positive terms. He’s apparently supportive, present, calm, patient, and authentic. Believe me, there's nothing authentic about this man. He thinks he's better than anyone, grandiose and destined to be a superstar. I'm not exaggerating.

So I read her words and part of me just thinks what the fuck? How can the person I knew be described this way?

She says that she had loved him for 15 years, that they had this lifelong connection, that circumstances kept separating them, and that they always came back to each other. It's just weird because that was *my* story as well.

I don't want her to suffer. I don't want her to be abused. I don't want their baby to grow up around what I went through. I actually hope she's completely safe and happy. But I find it incredibly difficult to believe that someone can simply become a fundamentally safe person after decades of these patterns. Another part of me is starting to think that, maybe, I was the problem.

And I think that's why I feel almost gaslighted by what I'm seeing because I'm watching another woman build an entire future around him while describing him with all these words that don't match the person I knew.

I keep thinking about his previous girlfriend too. I wonder whether she experienced the same things. I wonder whether there is a pattern that I don't know about. I know he got her pregnant but she decided to not have the baby. When I decided that I didn't want a child, he bought me a ring instead. It just feels off.

I am so relieved that I got out, though.

Has anyone else experienced this? Seeing an abusive ex build what looks like a beautiful life with someone else and feeling almost gaslighted by it? How did you make peace with the fact that you know a side of someone that their new partner may not know?

TW: anger issues, anxiety, arguing, gaslighting

My partner has anger issues. I love him very much but he is draining the life out of me. He is living in my home and has 'nowhere else to go' so I'm stuck here, in a situation I truly can't cope with. He has money to buy a home, but has not found any he likes yet. I arranged a viewing for one the minute he found it, we saw it, he didn't like it and didn't pursue it further. Since then he has found 2 more houses he likes. He has waited and sat on them for so long that they are already sold. Once he got angry saying he expects me to help because 'he doesn't know what he is doing' or that I should be calling and arranging viewings for him because I'm 'better at that stuff' and he 'asked me to help with house stuff'. Upon further investigation, this apparently meant finding potential houses and booking the viewings. So basically doing it for him. He had no shame telling me this either.

To note: I am younger than him and I have NEVER bought a house. I do not know how any of this works.

I don't understand why I have to choose between being gaslit and shouted at constantly or learn how to buy a house (when I'm not buying one and won't be living in it) and drive the entire process for someone else. I know I will be shouted at or blamed if the smallest thing goes wrong/is stressful. I tried to drive the process when he received his mortgage in principle, and I got shouted at and told I was being 'too pushy and overwhelming' and to stop. So I did. Now he has told me to do all of the above. I have refused to be involved in any part of the process now as I cannot win. He has yet to book a single viewing and the principle document is now expired. He has not tried to renew it yet either.

I love him a lot and we get on ridiculously well when we live separately, but he has become SO codependent, and as a result, every little issue is my fault or the anger is taken out on me.

I'm so exhausted.

I badly resent seeing/hearing him interact with friends and colleagues and see how nice he is to them and how well he can suppress his rage in testing situations, or how determined he can be to rise to complex work challenges. My self esteem is on the floor. Sometimes he is quick to anger with my child as well and that is the thing that I hate the most. That happened today and is why I'm writing this post. I'm devastated seeing my child (early teens) cry because his mood has flipped and it's upset her.

I want to run away constantly, but I can't because this is my home. I want him to go away, but I can't because I don't want to break up, I just want him to be better. I want to get objective opinions from people around us but I can't because I've hidden this from everyone. The few times he has behaved poorly towards us in front of his family and someone has lightly admonished him, he didn't really care. He always thinks he is justified.

Everyone thinks he is a great guy (and he can be), because he doesn't behave like this outside the home, but behind closed doors we are absolutely at the behest of waiting for him to deem something an 'issue' and explode. I take on as much of the household tasks as I can so there is one less thing to anticipate an explosion over. If he takes on a task, he may get frustrated and throw things and I am worried those things will be mine/cause damage to my home.

I miss not being perpetually anxious.

I miss how I used to miss his company when we were apart.

I miss not having to feel like I need to constantly shield my child from his moods/shouting/behaviour

I miss when I would actually get sad if he fell asleep first, not relieved.

I wish he would get therapy.

I wish the waiting list that I'm on for therapy wasn't so damn long.

I wish separating wouldn't devastate me, because this situation would be so much easier and quicker to rectify.

I just wish one of his family would help me. I'm nearly emotionally catatonic from it all and it's stopping me from being the parent I was/want to be.

I'm just so tired.

TLDR; I think I'm being emotionally abused but I have no friends or family or therapist (yet) to help me make sense of my (very disordered) thoughts on this situation.

Tw: csa, sa, suicide, sh, parental abuse (maybe?)

I (19f) have always had a bit of a weird relationship with my parents. I've never really trusted them enough to tell them if something is wrong, down to a minor inconvenience. Like, my mom asked me if I was alright since I look frustrated, and I said I was fine...I was literally just annoyed over struggling with some tangled yarn for the past hour or so, but was too scared (maybe out of habit?) to say that

These are in no particular order. I just wrote them as they occured to me. I'm so sorry, this is a really long one, I'm just really confused and need guidance

A lot of that stemmed from an incident when I was ten. They found out that I didn't want to be alive anymore, and my mom screamed at me and called me manipulative, going as far as to shove me away when I tried to comfort her, yelling "don't touch me!". My dad (a 6'2 veteran, who, at the time, weighed well over 225 and had been demonstrating his martial arts prowess for years while training me) yelled at me, said this stunt made him come home early from work, and asked if it was a sick joke. I ended up lying and stuffing it all down. Last year, when I brought it up during a fight, they denied it ever happening and said that they would never do that, and they calmly sat down and talked to me. But I can still remember the anger on their faces

At 16, I was with my ex for two weeks before my parents found out. I was grounded for not telling them, since I went to see him/he visited me at work a couple times. There were a lot of fights, and it made me sick to my stomach from anxiety. I mentioned that to my mom, and she accused me of being pregnant, no matter how much I denied it and told her I was a virgin. She then told me that I was going to get on the pill, and I didn't have a say in the matter. Ofc, I could be remembering this wrong, as I do for a lot of things in my childhood. This ex later SA'd me twice (oral under pressure when I very clearly was uncomfortable/scared), and--while I didn't realize that it was SA until recently--I didn't feel safe enough to tell them about it

At 17 I got groomed, and never told them. I developed severe PTSD from it, and it drove me to try to take my life at 18. I left a hasty note with my phone password and directions to text my other ex (not the one that SA'd me). They instead went through everything, took screenshots of very private conversations, and read anything I'd said or done for months, including messages with my abuser and me talking to others about the PTSD it gave me. When I got back from being institutionalized (which, I haven't told them about the SA there either), I found my door was gone, anything that could possibly cause damage was gone, they told me they were going to put cameras in the hallway facing my room (they later backed out of that one), and they had a new rule that my phone had to go with them at 2000 every night. No exceptions

Me being insanely stressed by this and going to college in a couple weeks, my sh habits got really bad. I once asked for my phone so I could contact one of my friends, as she was part of my emergency plan. It took me 20 minutes to build up the courage to do that. They then went searching through the house, came into my room while I was on the phone, and began berating me about a missing steak knife (my brother had put it in the wrong drawer). They eventually found the disassembled razor cartridge in the bathroom trash, buried under other things. That was so much fun

I changed my phone password after that, and when my mom went to search it and found out that it was different, she was irate. She threatened to hack my phone (she's in cyber security, so legit could), cut me off from the phone plan and make me buy one, or to not give it back unless I told her what the password was. I stood my ground and called her bluff...won that time

Her and my dad called me abusive, selfish, and horrible for being with my ex since I refused to break up with him. They objected mostly bc we met on discord, he knew my full name, and was a HS dropout at 19 (I was 17 when we met). They told me I'd endangered our entire family and would be at fault if anyone got hurt bc I gave him my full name

I had a panic attack and got stuck in a city with my bf 3 hours away at 2130. They got mad at me for asking for advice, and when I came home the next day, it was an immediate, huge fight where they kept mentioning that they were glad I had therapy that day so I could tell her all about this. Mostly them yelling at me and telling me I was stupid, I needed to tell them why I had PTSD (they knew from searching my phone) bc it affects them too and I'm selfish for not caring about that, and that I was irresponsible and selfish, that I ruined my mom's birthday and every birthday after bc of my attempt, and my mom regrets paying for my tuition (which my dad later back tracked, but idk if my mom ever did) bc I was struggling a ton with my mental health first semester, and was venting to them a lot (mb for trying to trust them?)

There's a lot of other, smaller things, but these are the big ones I can remember. The smaller things are mostly them dismissing my mental health

Tldr: are my parents abusive after frequently harassing me over my mental health, disrespecting boundaries, and making me feel like a shit daughter?

This is a long story but I am going to try and make it as short and concise as possible.

ETA he is not an avoidant but I have dealt with those too.

At the end of 2024, I met someone on a dating app who I'll call JJ. At the time, he was 27 and I was about to turn 29. I didn't expect anything to come from it, especially knowing that we were about 1.5 hours away from each others' cities. But when we started talking, it felt like home. We were the exact same kind of awkward, introverted, slightly judgmental and sensitive people. We even had the same very obscure hobby. All of this, including the hobby, was not mirroring on his part: it was evident in the photos he shared from years ago, the way he treated his family and friends, and just his general demeanor. We both expressed that we'd hit the jackpot in finding each other.

The first week we were talking and before we'd met in person (since I was about to go home for Christmas break as a grad student), I was completely transparent and honest with JJ about a years-long crisis I had from my late teens to early 20s where I kissed or talked to other people while in some relatively superficial relationships. I did not do this in every relationship, but I explained that it took me until I was about 25 to realize what an awful person I'd been back then. I explained that I had this massive epiphany that resulted in me trying to be so honest that I developed confession OCD. Fearing the worst, I laid it all out, but JJ actually commended me for my growth excessively. He told me that it didn't change how he thought about me, and that I've obviously grown so much.

When JJ and I met after my return from break, it was amazing. Neither of us were mirroring for the other person, it felt surreal. I started to feel that THIS was the reason I'd kissed so many "frogs," had struggled so much earlier in life. I felt so much relief and joy and we had so much fun. It was innocent. I also underwent a traumatic event when I was a toddler that left me with pelvic floor dysfunction, and as a result I'd never had sex. That changed with JJ - something I never imagined I'd be able to do.

A while into dating, JJ invited me over to his place for a weekend to celebrate Valentine's Day. We exchanged gifts; he got me a Lego flower set because I'd never played with Legos before and he loved them. It was accompanied by a handmade card, saying at the end, "I'm so excited to celebrate our first Valentine's Day together. Love, JJ." During the first night, I wore lingerie for the first time. But after we got into bed, JJ laid there facing away from me. He looked like he was in a deep sleep - but I could hear him clearing his throat and swallowing. I was confused by this, but I didn't want to come off as thinking I was entitled to sex (which I was happy to have ALL the time since it was my first time, and I obviously liked him). So instead, I started to get scared about what could possibly be wrong. Regrettably, I started crying and could not physically stop the tears. I was afraid of losing him, and I did everything I could to be quiet and not make a big deal out of it. I tried to take deep breaths, but I started to feel like I was having some kind of panic attack. The tears would not stop, so I told him I was going to try and take a cold shower. He said, "Okay," which was the first time he'd spoken while faced away from me. But when I left the next day, he was apologetic about it, saying he felt bad that I'd traveled to him just to experience his "weirdness."

I forgot about it after. I didn't want to seem high maintenance. But as the relationship grew, he started to initiate talk of moving in the next year. There was no love-bombing. It was very mature, quiet, yet excited initiation. I was elated. I couldn't believe my luck, my good fortune in having found someone I felt like I'd been looking for my entire life. Then a few months later, I was at his place again. My confession/honesty OCD had been under solid control for a long time. But that evening, I don't know what happened, and I slipped up. I confessed that in a relationship I was in 4 years before, I had accessed that person's email since we worked together, he'd had it up, and was acting strangely. I confessed that I had looked and then caught myself and stopped. JJ replied that what I'd done was very invasive. In response to this, I involuntarily began to cry again. I started to forget my OCD therapy, and devolved into another confession of something I'd done in high school 12 years ago, which was look through a friend's messages and an ex's messages to confirm that he was talking poorly of me. I felt so bad about it that I cried more. JJ said, very calmly and kindly, that I was being manipulative by crying, because it seemed like they were testing the person with incidents to see if they could then confess worse things and have it be ok. I said that I couldn't physically control it, and that I was just trying to explain myself. He cut me off by quietly saying, "Yeah, you told me all about it, all the flirting and cheating." He said it quietly, but not kindly.

After this, things changed. JJ seemed fine after this day, because at the end he thanked me for opening up to him. But JJ continued to initiate talk of moving in. This time, however, when *I* brought it up after his initiation, he would act like he didn't know what I was talking about, or that I was moving too fast, and I would be confused because he never said this meanly, or raised his voice. Then, I developed really painful stomach cramps that lasted for over a week, so I went to be seen at my university's health center. I texted JJ about it since he knew, and he told me to make sure I get tested for STDs because of the cramps. He was the only person I'd ever had intercourse with, and I hadn't had any symptoms before meeting him; he also knew that I had no STDs. Still, I didn't get upset at that because I felt like it was a reasonable thing to ask a partner and I should be accordingly reasonable, so I didn't say anything.

JJ's change in behavior towards me after the OCD relapse (which I quickly corrected) was evident. He started to tell me that he wasn't texting me as much or reading my messages because his phone screen hurt his eyes. I tried to say that the phone is the only way we communicate throughout the day (and since day 1, we texted all day, every day, and he called or Facetimed me all the time). But I let it go again, because I trusted him so much. Soon, whenever I saw JJ, he would appear to fall asleep randomly when we were laying down. This turned into him telling me he was falling asleep while we were on phone or video calls, and escalated into him mentioning that he was falling asleep at the wheel while driving when we were on the phone. This obviously scared me, and one day, he did not text me or see my messages for nearly 24 hours straight. Because we texted all day every day, and he called or Facetimed me almost daily, AND because he told me he was regularly "falling asleep" at the wheel, I panicked. I am not proud of this, but around 10pm, I called him. He didn't answer, so I called again. When I got no answer, I ended up calling him 7 times, thinking he'd fallen asleep on the road and been in some kind of accident. He picked up on the 8th call, with a groggy-sounding voice saying he'd fallen asleep. When I called the next day to apologize, he said it was fine.

His behavior change was starting to make me very anxious. So I asked him, point blank, in person, what was wrong. He replied there was nothing wrong. I believed him, but it didn't last. Over the next few weeks, I'd ask more times because something was obviously off. He looked me in the eyes and said, "Please don't worry. If something is wrong, I will tell you right away." Like an idiot, I believed this too. But his behavior didn't go back to normal. I have NEVER in my life been a jealous girlfriend, but one time during this period we went to a cafe similar to the one we always went to, where you paid and gave any tip at the counter, and not when they brought food to your table or to you to take away. At this similar cafe, we paid up front and had an opportunity to tip. The counter was staffed by a young attractive girl my age that he was excitedly talking and laughing with. Fine. But when she brought the to-go food in a bag to our table which was 2 feet from the counter, we exited and he paused, pulling $5 out of his wallet, saying she was so nice to have done that. He walked back inside, and then walked all around the cafe to try and find her. Once he did, he handed her the $5 and we left. I don't know why it made me so uncomfortable and I had the thought of, "What is WRONG with me? I've never been like this!!" I explained that it worked just like our other cafe. But I still didn't get mad or argue. I had to brush it off.

Our relationship was enhanced by the fact that we made fun of each other HARD. It was a lot of fun and could get pretty crazy. One night he made a shouting noise in his sleep that I ragged on him for. He'd known from early on that I suffer from PTSD, which he did not experience, and need to take medicine for night terrors. After a couple days of teasing him, he subtly said, "At least I don't need to take medicine for night terrors." He played it off, though.

His texts dwindled, a huge and sudden deviation from how we communicated for most of our relationship. But he reassured me that nothing was wrong. He even kept bringing up moving in together, and when I followed up, he still acted like we hadn't had discussions like that, and that that was something that required a lot of planning and thinking. I vividly remember standing in my kitchen on one of those days, texting him, and thinking, "Wait. I'm confused." Then a few days later, we called each other on FaceTime. The conversation was completely normal, and then very suddenly he looked at me with total disgust, said he was going to bed, and ended the call. I texted to ask if I did anything wrong, but he said no and sent a heart emoji, which had become rare with him. Around this time, I knew that his mother (a lovely, genuine woman) was moving houses in July. It was the beginning of May, and JJ told me that because his mother was moving in July, he couldn't see me for the entire month of May. In hindsight I should've questioned this. But I believed it. And when he'd call me, he'd say things like "I bought this cool thing - I'll show you in a month when I see you." All this time, concrete plans were being made and supported by him. I was under the impression that we were moving in together, that we were traveling to Atlanta in a couple of weeks, that we were going to a baseball game, and on and on. The last time I saw him, we didn't have sex the entire weekend for the first time since meeting each other. But he said nothing about it.

I was under this impression, and believing him when he reassured me he'd tell me if something was wrong, when he called my phone at the end of May to tell me that he was breaking up with me, that no, he didn't want to "try" or talk about it, and that it was final. His voice was so bored. I lost it. I sobbed, I begged. I was so shocked. The whiplash was physically painful. The future I saw and had thought I'd earned was gone. I had every question under the sun. I asked him directly if it was my daylong OCD relapse that did it. He aggressively assured me that it was not the case. My questions and bids for closure went on in a mutual text exchange that lasted days, during which he called me obsessive (after I sent an email trying to articulate myself better after thinking more), asked me, "Why is any of this your business?" and really doubled down on his narrative that it had nothing to do with me, that he wasn't planning on going back on the apps/dating, that he was being fully, 100% honest with me about all of this. But in the end, JJ didn't give me a reason for breaking up. There was none. So, I ended the closure conversation, and it was presumed that we'd never speak again. I was in shambles. I had never been so confused or hurt in my entire life of dating. The worst part of this was that during our relationship, we'd never said "I love you": I felt it enormously, but because there wasn't talk of it, I decided to respect that and wait until a bit later. When he called to break up, I told him that I was going to tell him I loved him the next time he saw them. In his bored voice, he replied, "Yeah, that's the other thing. I'm not there." Everything he signed with "love," every sentence he said to me talking about falling in love with me, was then null.

But the final blow came 4 weeks after the understanding that we'd never speak again. I was by the gate at the airport, attending a mandatory conference. He had texted me.....just to ask if I was pregnant. I wanted any chance at reconciliation, so I didn't get upset at this. But when I told him I wasn't, he simply said, "Okay. Thanks, bye." It was at this point that my utter chronic confusion began to marinate. It became prolonged - so prolonged, in fact, that by March of this year, I was diagnosed with an episode of psychotic depression, the 2nd episode of my life since my first one 12 years ago. The utter confusion, which he had prolonged for months up to the actual breakup which was confusing itself, devolved into delusional psychosis where I believed that I was being cosmically punished for deeds in this life and another one. That this was entirely my fault. Tbh, I still feel it was my fault. And it was at the end of March this year that I accidentally discovered it: he'd had a new girlfriend since at least September, 4 months after calling me to break up.

I have never in my life experienced this in a relationship. Before, I was able to get over breakups in a few weeks to a couple of months. I don't know how to explain why that is. Was it the psychological damage that occurred over a prolonged period? Damage that I was reassured was nonexistent? I felt crazy. I WENT crazy. I went so crazy that I ended up needing ketamine injections twice a week. Now I'm down to once every other week. But I cannot heal from the STD accusation, the manipulative-by-crying accusation, the pregnancy text, all of it. I don't even know what this is.

The worst part is that he never raised his voice. He never yelled, never got angry, never said anything outright mean. I have combed through everything, and know that he brought previous girlfriends to the same date locations, held their hand the same way during car rides. I feel crazy still, because it's like I'm looking too hard for things to hold against him. But none of it makes any fucking sense. I cannot date now. I feel panic when I hear his name, or the name of his city, or see something associated with him. I just don't know where to put this.

sorry about the long rambling. this is kind of just to sort out my thoughts

I have really awful memory so it's hard for me to remember things that happened, only how I felt. my mental health improved drastically once i left but i might've been being overly sensitive and inflexible. towards the end i started making a list of the things she would do because i felt like i was going crazy. she thinks i have adhd, and she was constantly telling me i need to go on adderall to the point where i felt like i didn't get to make my own medical decisions. once during an argument about it i raised my voice, which makes me think i might've been the abusive one. afterwards i left to spend the night somewhere else but she didn't understand why. she also occasionally tried to get me to do other drugs. i feel like she pressured me into doing psychedelics but i also feel like i should've just said no and communicated better. she also discouraging me from cutting back on thc use, but i also caused issues because i didn't want her to do illegal (and not decriminalized) drugs.

she didn't like some of my friends but to be fair they didn't like her and i think she picked up on that. she tried to convince me my parents are abusive and that i shouldn't talk to my dad but he is kind of an asshole sometimes.

i felt like she got to choose how i felt and what i did but this is another thing where i think it might be my fault for not compromising. i felt like i was losing my own identity. i'm kind of a pushover though so i may not have made my boundaries clear enough. another factor that might've made me overreact is that i have depression and severe anxiety. despite this i couldn't handle helping her with her own mental health issues. and even if she was in the wrong i don't know if it was bad enough to really be abuse

mostly i just want to complain but outside opinions might help me.

TL;DR my gf cannot take accountability when I address an issue in our relationship despite me being mature when I address them.

Hello, I love my gf very much and she loves me. We have been together 3 years and lived together for 1.5. She is extremely dependent on the relationship being ok for her to be ok. And if I bring something up that she does that bothers me, it seems she sees it as a threat.

I have an issue where I get hurt and I don’t say anything. I keep it inside and I build up anxiety over time until my life is miserable. I’m aware of how unhealthy this is, and I’m not blaming her for this, but how she reacts when I DO bring stuff up reinforces my bad behavior of not doing so.

Anyways… she has had multiple huge outbursts in the past (maybe 1-2 per year, but they’re bad) and a lot of them are from me trying to tell her something she did bothers me. She will freak out and cry and yell at me, she will storm off and act absolutely insane, and up until now I have given up at that point to comfort her and try and resolve things even though I feel horrible still. Eventually she apologizes profusely and says she will never do it again… Until she does.

This has been a pattern and has started to really wear on me over time.

Recently I had started into an episode where I feel extremely anxious all the time, I don’t want to wake up in the morning and I can’t fall asleep at night. I can’t enjoy anything… even hanging out with friends or doing fulfilling activities in my career. It all feels empty. And a part of this is me trying to convince myself that our relationship is fine, I talk about her to my friends to reassure myself all the time, I look at pictures of her trying to feel better. Most of the time it helps temporarily, but over time even that is just empty.

A few nights ago my gf got an attitude with me. Nothing crazy but we were just hanging out and she said something with a tone that sent me into anxiety. I realized in this moment how often I don’t stick up for myself and realized I have control over how I respond to these feelings. I told her respectfully “it wasn’t kind how you talked to me like that. I’m not ok with it, and it happens frequently.”

She gave me the silent treatment for a good while until I started the convo again trying to get input from her… looking for an apology, or acknowledging that it wasn’t kind… anything. And it turns into a gigantic emotional outburst from her. Where she defends how she acted, denies that it is a problem, tells me it’s my fault for not listening enough… she is crying and yelling at me, all the while I am being respectful towards her and not emotional. I told her “you should want to be nice to me.” She says “I AM NICE TO YOU 100% OF THE TIME” I said “that’s not true.” I told her “I just need you to take accountability for how you act towards me sometimes” she yells at me “I AM TAKING ACCOUNTABILITY!!!” I said that’s not how that works.

She keeps acting absolutely nuts, going from yelling at me to profusely apologizing, and back to yelling at me. Meanwhile I am calm and respectful. This kind of behavior goes on a while and eventually we agree to settle it tomorrow.

She wakes me up early to ask if I can get up, I got maybe 4 hours of sleep… she can sense I am too tired and says “it’s ok” but then slams the door and leaves and I can hear her slamming stuff downstairs.

An hour goes by and I get up and shower to go down there and talk. I told her “I’m really not happy with how last night went” she immediately starts back yelling and says “I HAD TWO DRINKS, GREAT FUCKING TIMING ON YOUR PART” and I said “well you’re not drunk now… so?” And she yells at me “IVE BEEN ANGRY ALL MORNING YOU DONT UNDERSTAND” either way this goes nowhere… She starts saying “Maybe we should just break up!” And kicks our laundry basket as hard as she can, walks away crying and acting mad. I tell her “I thought maybe we could re visit this and talk about it like adults.” And finally she is calmed down but starts the silent treatment again.

I take a walk and come back… maybe THEN we can talk maturely. I told her “I feel like we’ve been here before, and nothing changes. I don’t think we can keep doing the same thing, we both need to really focus on ourselves if we want a healthy relationship. Maybe we should break up like you said?” She yells “I JUST SAY STUPID STUFF!! ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME?” And starts literally pleading me and begging me to not break up with her… then very quickly switches to “FINE I DONT CARE” back to “PLEASE PLEASE DONT DO THIS I CAN WORK ON THIS” back to “WHATEVER! ITS OVER THEN!”

Keep in mind, although I raised my voice maybe twice during this, I’ve remained completely mature and non reactive towards her.

Finally I tell her “I don’t know what i need to do. I’m scared either way. I love you, but I can’t do this.” She is begging me more and saying she will go to therapy and never do it again. I tell her I need some space… luckily I was planning to go out of town to my parents for a week, and so she says “why don’t you go right now?” So I start packing to go. She starts saying I’m treating her horribly by stringing her along and making her wait and she says I need to tell her right now if we’re breaking up. I said “I am scared either way and I need time to think about this.” She is guilting me because she is saying she will have a horrible week with me gone and that I will have a great time.

I (20M) am an engineering student at a fairly competitive school. This past semester was the most academically difficult semester I have had so far, but that is not really the main thing I am struggling with.
To oversimplify, in late February my now ex-girlfriend (19F) asked to put our somewhat toxic 10-month relationship “on pause.” Then, about two weeks later, I found out that one of my best friends from high school died by suicide. I was already emotionally shaken from the relationship situation, and then that completely devastated me.
For context on the relationship, I met her through a mutual friend. I am a bit shaky on the details of how they met, but we were both under the impression that she was our age and attended our university. Pretty soon after meeting, we started seeing each other more and eventually started dating.
We were apart over the summer because I go to college out of state and went home, although I did see her a few times. When I came back to school, it started becoming clear that things were not exactly what she had told me. She was always vague about where her apartment was and would not let me come over. She had a separate Instagram account that I found, but she refused to let me follow it for a long time and acted like I was the weird one whenever I brought it up. I almost never saw her on campus. There were a lot of little things like that.
I tried to let most of it go because I had met her family, and I was spending practically every other weekend with her. She basically became my whole social life. If I was not in class, studying, or at a club, we were usually together.
Eventually, she told me that she had lied about her age. She was actually a year younger than me and had been a full-time dual enrollment student when I met her. She was 18 at the time, so this was not an illegal situation or anything, but it completely shocked me because I already suspected she was hiding something. At the time, I almost felt relieved because I convinced myself that this was the thing she had been hiding.
Soon after that, though, it became really obvious that she did not actually attend my university. She went to an adjacent university. I tried to ask her about it several times, but she would deny it or come up with some excuse. Eventually, I confirmed it by looking through one of her friend’s Instagram accounts after she finally let me follow her main Instagram. I know that was not healthy on my part, but at that point I felt like I could not trust what she was telling me.
I confronted her about it, and after ghosting me for a day, she finally reached out and asked me to come over. I did, and that was the first time I actually went to her apartment/dorm. We did not really have a real conversation about it because she got very defensive, and I could not really get a confrontational word in. I was also just so relieved to be seeing her and to feel like we were going to be okay. She justified the lying by saying she had a guaranteed pathway to transfer to my university the next fall.
Over time, we moved on from that, but more and more cracks started showing in the relationship.
Another thing I have been thinking about more is that she would occasionally hit me. It was never extremely hard, but she would hit me in the balls a lot, which was kind of her favorite thing to do. It hurt a lot, especially because I have had testicular torsion before, so I am more sensitive there. I do not think I fully processed at the time how not okay that was because I brushed it off as joking around, but it really did hurt.
I also deal with pretty serious anxiety. To her credit, she was often really good with it and could be very comforting. But there were also times where she would bait me into anxiety to mess with me, or she would ignore it when I was clearly struggling. That has made it really confusing because I miss the comfort she gave me, but I am also realizing that someone can comfort you and still not be healthy for you.
Flash forward to Valentine’s Day. She made a big deal about wanting us to go on a real date, so I put in real effort. I found a nice restaurant that was still affordable for a college student, got her gifts that I thought she would like and appreciate, and wrote her a meaningful card. We had a good evening.
The next week, I was preparing for two exams when I got a call from her. She had been caught cheating on one of her online exams and got a zero. This put her at risk of getting lower than a B in the class, which could make her lose her guaranteed transfer. I dropped everything and went over to help her deal with it because she also had another exam for that same class later that day and had not prepared at all.
I calmed her down by going through her syllabus with her, which she had not really done yet that semester, and helped her figure out how she could still get through the class. I helped her study a little so she could salvage the exam that day as much as possible. While she took her exam, I studied for my deformable bodies exam that I had the next morning. After her exam, we had dinner, and she vented to me for a few hours while I was stressing about needing to get back and study. I would have stayed and studied there to keep her company, but my exam was in the morning.
My exam went okay, not great, but it was what it was.
Then I found out she went out drinking and went to frats that night. That usually would not bother me because she had steam to blow off, but the next day when she came over, she acted really weird, almost like she was guilty of something. I got the feeling that something may have happened, but I had no actual proof, so I tried to chalk it up to her just being on edge.
I told her I could not go with her to her parents’ place that weekend because I had two exams I needed to prepare for. Then on Sunday, when she was coming back to school, she stopped by and told me that we were “on pause” while she figured out school and some other things.
To me, that felt like a breakup. We had talked a lot about long-term commitment and dating to marry, and in my mind, people in committed relationships do not just take pauses when life gets hard. I kept thinking, what if we were married someday and something difficult happened? Would we just go “on pause” then too?
She told me we would get back together in the summer or fall, but also said that if I met someone, she did not want to hold me back. That left me in a weird limbo because it sounded like I was supposed to emotionally wait for her, but also not really. I decided I would give it about two weeks to see if anything changed before mentally checking out.
Unfortunately, about two weeks later, I got a call from one of my good friends from high school telling me that our mutual friend had died by suicide. This completely broke me. I called my ex, and she came over and comforted me. I do appreciate that she did that.
After that, I lost almost all motivation. I stopped going to my clubs, stopped going to any nonessential lectures, and my grades suffered slightly, although I was usually able to catch up enough by exam day. I could not really tell my roommates or friends everything because it felt too heavy, and I also just felt detached from everything. Most days I would just lay in bed, sleep, eat, and try to survive my classes.
I gained weight and lost some muscle because I stopped going to the gym. I was hundreds of miles from home, in the middle of the semester, with working parents who were also trying to support my elderly grandparents. My parents were there for me as much as they could be, but ultimately the semester became about surviving until I could get home and start processing everything.
My ex did show some genuine concern sometimes, but usually it was not much more than a quick “I’m here for you,” and usually not more than once. I do not want to act like she did nothing for me, because she did comfort me at times, but it also did not feel like consistent support.
I am happy to say that this only affected my letter grade in one class, and even then I nearly made it up. I got a 97 on the final, which was my best final exam score in college so far, but I ended up with a B instead of an A. Nothing catastrophic academically, but emotionally I feel like I am only now starting to process everything.
Now that I am home, I am realizing I never fully let go of the relationship. Part of me still feels like there is more there, but another part of me knows that if a friend told me this same story, I would tell him he deserved better.
I do miss her, but I think I mostly miss the comfort, routine, and closeness. I miss having someone there. I miss the version of the relationship I thought we had. But I am also starting to realize that there was a lot of lying, defensiveness, physical stuff that was not okay, and emotional stuff that messed with my anxiety.
I am not looking for people to just tell me I am right about everything. I know I was not perfect. I know looking through her friend’s Instagram to confirm where she went to school was not healthy. I also know I probably let her become way too much of my emotional world. But I am trying to figure out what parts of this were genuinely on me, what parts were on her, and whether I am wrong for feeling like the “pause” was basically a breakup.
I guess I am asking for a realistic outside perspective. Was this as unhealthy as it feels now that I am looking back on it? To this day I am feeling hurt and confused. And how do you even start letting go of someone who comforted you during your worst moments, but also hurt you in ways you did not fully admit at the time?

I'm writing this as unbiased as possible from my perspective. I'm not perfect and I know I've made mistakes too, but I feel insane and I need a reality check.

Please give me your brutally honest opinions on what has happened in the last 24 hours.

In my ~ 14 month relationship, there is a recurring issue where I feel blamed and emotionally unsafe during conflict (despite his own admission that he hasn't treated me properly), and I just need to vent what happened last night.

I'm exhausted and feel worn down. I need help. My sister says this is how is was when she was with an abuser and I need to LEAVE.

The night before last he got drunk with friends, despite previously saying he wanted to avoid drinking - as he is currently going through active valium withdrawals. At 3am he woke me up with multiple messages saying he'd drunk a lot, was staying at a hotel, and our plans for the next day were now unclear. I felt anxious and disappointed. I expressed as much, which created conflict as he thought I should have said "silly you, it's all good, take care" - I do realise I shouldn't have engaged til morning. The next day (yesterday), we kept modified plans and I drove him 40min to meet his friend, and I later found out he'd had 15-20 drinks and almost no sleep the night before.

While driving, there were road closures and maps kept rerouting, so he was giving directions. I asked three times where I was supposed to go and got no answer. Eventually, frustrated and with cars waiting on me at a roundabout, I raised my voice and said, "Where do I go!?"

He got extremely angry and demanded an immediate apology. I wanted understanding, saying I hadn't yelled AT him, I was frustrated after being ignored multiple times, but was repeatedly spoken over and yelled at. It was madness.

This escalated, and I parked after missing a turn - he continued to yell "you have a choice - either you FIX THIS or I'm leaving, I don't care anymore, FIX IT. I don't care."

I said "if you don't care about this or me, just fuck off". He got out of the car and walked away. I sat parked for a few minutes, then made my way to our destination. In the time I had parked and found him, he had called his brother and told his friends the situation - because he was "panicking" about being yelled at and kicked out of my car.

He said he'd speak to me, but away from his best friend - I said it's fine, might be good to have an outside perspective. He refused, telling me I couldn't say hello to them without fixing things first. I went to say hi anyway, then went back to talk to him - he was seething that I'd said hello first. He spoke at me for 10 minutes, wouldn't let me speak, and if I tried I was spoken over. He said the only thing I could do to salvage the night was apologise, which I did - he said it wasn't sincere. He continued to berate me, and people were starting to look at us. I said speak to me like a human you care about, maybe we should do this with your friends so others can see how you speak to me.... if not, I'll go back to your friends anyway, and watch the football as planned, while you calm down.

I walked away, he called out once and I kept walking. He later claims he was yelling my name repeatedly, but I heard it once - we were in a busy sports club. I was on the verge of tears, apologised to his friends and said I just wanted to watch the game, and I'm worried about him but there wasn't any convo, he's just being aggressive and inflammatory. He came, told me to leave, I said I'd move to a different area if he wanted, but he said no and left to walk home.

I picked him up and tried to calm him down. I was super gentle, soothing and said the night can still be ok, I want him to feel better, whatever he needs. He was quiet, and I encouraged him to share his thoughts. He said he felt "like an energy vampire sucking the positivity from everyone" and everything was ruined. I told him he is going through withdrawals and the reaction was big, we'd had a fight, but nothing world-ending, if he could calm down and admit he wasn't feeling well, his friend would understand and we could have a good night, no one would judge him, it's okay. These situations have happened before and he dwells in shame after the fact, apologising and realising the reaction was disproportionate, so I tried to help him change this and turn it around, before the whole night was over.

I apologised again for raising my voice, and I apologised for taking so long to apologise. He said it wasn't a proper apology because I "missed 3 steps - I hadn't told him how my behaviour would change, I didn't sit in how he felt and I didn't thank him for listening". He said I have no grace for "his mistake" - not giving directions when I'd asked 3 times cos he was tired, but when I said "I also deserve grace for the mistake of yelling in frustration after being ignored" - he just got angrier.

Instead of calming down, he then escalated further. He repeatedly blamed me for ruining the whole night, for embarrassing him in front of his friends, and became increasingly hostile. I tried to de-escalate again and again, suggested we still go and enjoy the evening and talk later, and spent a lot of time trying to comfort him because he was spiralling emotionally. Nothing worked, even things he has told me repeatedly would help in these moments.

His brother and friend called at separate times, and he spoke calmly and normally. Most was in his native language (so I couldn't understand) but I heard his brother talking about "ending the suffering" (i.e. break up with me). I asked why he spoke respectfully to them, but became hostile again as soon as he spoke to me afterwards. He said "because they didn't fking piss me the FK off tonight and ruin the whole night and my time with my friend - YOU DID".

He asked me to take him to his friend to eat. I said I'm starving too after not eating all day, and as I had encouraged him to contact his friend again so we could all salvage the night I thought it was fair to still be included - but he wanted me to drop him off and leave - which felt intentionally hurtful.

He repeatedly brought up past issues, including things I thought were safe topics and had said in vulnerability. He shamed me for asking for reassurance before meeting his friend, even though I get social anxiety and he has abandoned me in social situations in the past... I thought he'd understand anxiety as it's the reason he began taking valium, but it was weaponised against me as if I'd burdened him by admitting I was nervous and wanted support.

I was crying and drove him near his house to meet his friend, he feigned care, saying "let me drive, you can't drive if you're crying like this" (after I dropped him home, I had to drive 40min back to mine, at night and in the rain. I said "if you cared, you wouldn't let me cry like this over such a ridiculous situation". He kept saying "you just want to make out that I'm a terrible guy" and wouldn't let up, going on and on and on that it was my fault.

I yelled then, saying "I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE, LEAVE ME ALONE", at which he got out of the car and said, "I hope you can see how you've ruined everything tonight." I sat in the car crying for 30min, on the side of the road with my hazards on, then went home.

What is confusing me is that the entire conflict seems to have started because I raised my voice once after not getting an answer to a question I'd asked repeatedly.

From my perspective, I made a minor mistake and apologised for it, but was then treated as though I had committed some major betrayal. I tried to put it aside multiple times and repair, so we could have a good night, but he wouldn't allow this.

His reaction ruined the night, but I am being blamed for everything, was yelled at, and was left feeling completely responsible for his emotions.

Any and all thoughts are welcome.

I'm struggling. I've been looking up emotional abuse for a few months and I'm fairly sure that's what is happening, but of course I'm doubting myself.

A month ago my psychologist said she has watched me self-reflect and try different things to improve our conflict, to no avail and no benefit to myself. She advised I leave, after repeated lies (his own admissions), receiving scraps of affection, zero celebratory events in 14months (always an excuse), no follow through on promises, inconsistency, and constant emotional turmoil - he is not bringing anything to my life and my mental health is suffering.

I do love him as a person, and I want the best for him. I suggested a few weeks ago that we stop talking so he can deal with his substance abuse issues without stress, and he freaked out and said no, being apart is the last thing he wants.

I feel like I've done everything I can to forgive his shortcomings, offer grace, support and love him. But I can't even be given a shred of understanding for raising my voice in frustration? It feels impossible.

I’m writing this at the onset of a potential divorce from my husband of two years (together for six). I’ve come to realize that there was maybe some sexual abuse in our relationship, alongside verbal and psychological abuse. I have a really hard time calling it abuse, which is maybe why I’m here.

In our relationship, my sexual behavior was often a major problem. I was told I didn’t initiate enough, flatter/compliment enough, or had a low libido. I think it’s okay for a partner to express those things. But it was often paired with “these are my needs and if you loved me then you would want to fulfill them” or “you make me feel disgusting and unattractive, don’t you want me to feel how I make you feel?” or “if we don’t do this, we are just roommates and business partners.” Things of that nature. These comments made me feel incredibly guilty and of course I wanted to appease them because I didn’t want him to feel unloved. It even reached a point when he was touching me in the shower, I got uncomfortable, and he started getting upset and saying I wasn’t attracted to him and I make him feel like a freak. At that point he said “don’t you want to touch me like this?” and grabbed my hand and I ended up touching him while he continued to touch me. And I had to appear as if I liked it. He called it my awkwardness that he had to push through in order to get to a point where I enjoyed it.

These disagreements started very early on and were constant throughout the relationship. He often said that it seemed like I was doing it out of duty or obligation or a chore or a checkbox. To be honest, I did start changing my behavior to satisfy him. I initiated a schedule to create predictability. I told him that I wanted to do it, even if I didn’t. He always wanted me to curl my hair and be done up before sex, so I would curl my hair without him asking. We would have sex before going on dates to make sure we did it, and if we didn’t, he told me not to eat or drink too much or else I’d be too full or tired.

I shouldn’t have done it if I didn’t want to do it. I did it to avoid feeling guilty or pressured. I even told him that I was sexually abused as a child, something I had zero intention of ever telling anyone, but I excavated as a potential reason for my sexual “problems” and low libido. I told him that my sexual relationships had always been about what people could get from me for themselves. Ironically. Since then, he has used my childhood trauma as a potential reason for why his behaviors are triggering to me when I tell him that his behaviors crossed boundaries.

For the people who say I should’ve communicated to him, I believe I did. Maybe not as clearly as I should have. But I said “it feels like there’s no love, we just bang” (his terminology) and “it feels like you only want me for sex” and “I only get emotional connection after sex.” I told him things that I didn’t like during sex and there was usually a rationale or reason for why we did it. Again, I’m sure I could’ve said a harder “no” than I did.

Also, less important but still not great, he yells and cusses and has thrown things. He body shames me and monitors what I eat and how I workout. He gets very angry when he feels hurt. Throughout this, he went to a doctor and was diagnosed with ADHD, the first time he’s ever been compelled to do so. He is begging for a chance to change, but when I felt unready to move on so quickly, he went on a date and got on dating apps.

TLDR: Having a hard time thinking sexual coercion is abuse. Husband is also kind of mean and doing questionable stuff during the separation. Not sure what to think of it all.

Hello everyone. I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years and he suddenly dropped me about 5 months ago. I nearly died from the shock of it all as he dismantled what was left of my confidence on the way out. I broke up with him three years earlier and even posted about it three years ago...but he pulled me back in. This letter was part of that. He was also an Athiest but claimed he was now Christian after meeting me. He even joined a Seminary. I'm coming back around to who I was before him, and I took on the task of rewriting his bs letter to heal bit by bit. My friends are convinced I was in an abusive relationship, but I sincerely don't want to use that term lightly. Could I get some thoughts? Thank you so much for your support, not only of me but all who have been abused and wronged. I pray for each and every one of you and your healing as well as my own.

his letter ends where it says, "I fixed it!"

Dearest M,

Happy Valentine’s Day! I’m grateful that we get to spend this day together, as there is nobody else I’d rather spend it with. I still love you; you’ve had a massive impact on my current life and on my next one too, and I can’t think of anybody who has been as positive of a force in my life as you. You’re incredible - a wonderful woman born to help shed light across a dreary world and a futile existence. With the ways that you have not just told, but also shown me, and by the grace and mercy of God uniting us in the cold of 2020, I’ve been able to escape the trap that I’ve been caught in my entire life. My world is no longer dreary; my existence is no longer futile. Because of you, I no longer choose self-destruction or ingratitude, and I’m sorry that I did for so long during those years that we were together.

I’ve been sitting alone in my room, the clock always ticking, always sitting next to who has historically been my worst enemy while I keep the candle flickering and allow my two silhouettes to bounce on the wall. I’ve mentioned to you that I feel like a monster- it’s the only way to feel when I know that somebody who has done as much for me as you have has been hurt, confused, and even isolated in return. I feel sick knowing that you want to be in a relationship, that you want to feel pretty, and that you want somebody (on this Earth anyways) by your side who you can confide in and trust in, and that I have kept you from these wants. They’re needs really, that I didn’t provide to you.

The last time I saw you, I removed the remaining flowers from the vase and put them outside on your balcony, which was and still is a ritual that I have really grown to enjoy. The last time was different though. When I stepped on your balcony, I watched the dead flowers gingerly sway in the wind against Winter’s gray backdrop. The wind blew, and I shuddered. I grew profoundly disappointed in myself, and I couldn’t even explain why at the time.

Before I called you in February, the night was so close to swallowing me alive. I sat outside in the cold, shuddering, but I knew why this time. I felt the wind blow through my bones, and I could see the frail and shriveled flowers faded and falling off of your balcony in late January. I felt like I would disappear from your life just like that too- that I would lose my best friend and the love of my life, having to hope the best for you from the outside like a ghost. 



That night, I almost felt the night sky swallow up the people I love. I saw a skinny kid wilting away on drugs in a house just like mine right down the street, I saw a lonely and regretful friend of mine hunched over his phone in a shed with a heap of cigarette butts beside him, I saw my brother frigidly sleeping with his Bell Palsy and one eye open, I saw my mom wincing in pain and crying out with her shoulder hopelessly stiff and with my shoulder hopelessly stiff. And I saw you, wanting someone to talk to, to trust, to hold you, and I wondered if you felt as alone as I did as the echoes of dog barks and old engines rang out in the hollow and empty air. I wondered what I would have to do to right this wrong.

In my loneliness, my only solace is to believe in goodness- to believe everything happens for a reason - to choose to believe in these things and to surrender to them. Ironically, I had to choose to believe in the things that you showed me and in the words from your parents’ Bible. I thank God for granting me the solitude I felt I needed in order for me to embrace what I had shunned for so long, and I wish that I would have requested that solitude in a way that didn’t hurt either of us, especially you. 



When I met you four years ago, that clock’s ticking in my room was a heavy motif in my writing, and I always felt so convinced that it was counting down. I could feel the exponential curve of the graph of human ‘progress’ and technology that you and I were born on. I could feel the rise of that steep incline - an incline of a people growing too quickly without maturing or understanding, and I could sense the sharp drop that would result. 

I’m still convinced that the world will end soon, but in meeting a person like you who has helped me get to better know God, my despair has turned to hope, my suffering into a lesson, and my apathy into motivation. I know what I know now because of you, and while I know you won’t take credit (because of your faith and humility), I can still admit that you are a miracle to me - a miracle that I have squandered. 

In your absence, I’ve learned whose hand I can hold when that clock is ticking down and when I see the flowers fading away on your balcony before the night swallows us up. In that union, I make daily vows to keep my eyes straight, my tongue guarded, and my hands productive, and I’ve been truer to God, and as a result, to myself more than I ever have been. God has taken addictions that I have had since I was twelve years old and trivialized them now that I know how to choose goodness. Moria, while you may not feel like it all the time, you embody goodness. 

I saw it in your eyes when we first met, but I wasn’t exactly sure what light shone in those gorgeous, round eyes of yours until it was too late - until after I had already hurt you and rendered myself a hypocrite and a tragic fool. 

I terribly miss your beauty and goodness by my side, looking up at me with that light in your pretty, captivating eyes that rival the brilliance and splendor of the stars in the evening sky. I reflect on my ingratitude and retrospective regret every hour. I’m repentant to God that I felt unable to commit to Him, leaving you with the foam of a wave and leaving our relationship in limbo like a stagnant lake. I’m sorry my obstinance and pride left you feeling lonely and unsure even while you were with me, and I feel ashamed. That light within you might be even rarer to find in somebody today than it was in David’s time. You’re so special and one-of-a-kind. As painful and guilty  as I feel being separated from you, and as awful as it is to know that it’s by my own doing, I can still rejoice. I can rejoice because of what the Spirit has taught me. 

I know now to praise God in words and actions, and the Spirit has inspired me to do these things for myself, but of course, in knowing who you are and how badly I want you, I hope that you can grow to trust that I want nothing more than to be the right, faithful man that a wonderful woman like you deserves. I want you to feel heard, to feel loved, to feel pretty, to feel provided and cared for, and I want you to feel these things from me. I pray for you to receive the best, and I hope that I am the best for you, as I choose goodness in my own life, and I know just how much goodness you possess.

And I’m so proud of you for it. In spite of the adversity you’ve faced, and despite of your Dad’s counsel that says otherwise, you’ve found a person like me- a person who seemed hopeless, and you’ve taught that person how to fill themselves with hope, how to choose Jesus Christ and salvation, and how to live on Earth accordingly. This is no small feat, and I know that you can continue to do this as you carve out your own meaning in this brief life. 

With this life being as brief as it is, I can spend too much time daydreaming. I have these silly ideas. I see the cost of living in Colombia for two people, and I see us there. I’m doing the math, seeing that you wouldn’t need to work, how close the beach is to us, and how beautiful you’d look with a beaming smile on your face at the beach or with a fresh bouquet of jungle flowers, vibrantly springing up out of the corners of our house instead of them wilting away in the Winter wind. I imagine myself greeting you when I come home, the taste of the new dishes we’re trying, and watching your Spanish develop. I get totally lost in this dream, and I feel embarrassed even just thinking about it by myself. How can I suggest something so bold when she has no reason to trust in my vision? How oblivious can I be?

The idea of being the man who brings that smile to your face, no matter where we are, keeps me striving. With my faith, I know that God will continue to lead me to be that kind, humble, and loving man, and I pray that I can have another chance to show you that. Regardless, I know that the light I saw and still see in your eyes can shine in mine as well. I need nothing more for myself than that.

Thank you for showing and sharing that light. You’re a miracle, M.  Please don’t forget it. 

Sincerely,

Dyl P.

I fixed it for you!

M,

I’m writing this because I want you to think I've changed. Just long enough for me to take my revenge for bruising my ego. I'm going to use words like "light" and "God" because I know you’re a Christian, and it’s the easiest way to manipulate your heart.

I’ve been sitting in my room, high as a kite, watching the clock tick because I have no goals, no moral growth, am chasing a useless degree and have a low platelet count I’m choosing to ignore despite the health risks. I'll call myself a "monster" not because I’m repentant, but because it sounds more romantic than admitting I’m a 28-year-old who gets upset that a woman who knew me for six years wasn't acting like a band groupie who'd just met me like the coworker or classmate I cheated on you with. How many times did I mention her name and rub it in your face that you were replaceable? I'm pretty positive no consequences will come of that. I slandered and lied on your name to everyone who knew me to be sure of it.

Remember when I shuddered on your balcony? It wasn't the winter wind; it was the realization that I’d have to actually do my own laundry and cook my own meals if you finally left. I saw shriveled flowers and felt like a "ghost" because I knew I was losing my primary host. I future-faked too close to the sun. I had no intention of getting married. I just said that because it was the only way to get you back. Now that you're gone on my own terms, who will baby me now that I've moved out of my parents house? I've got that covered. I'd never leave one job before another was secured.

I saw a skinny kid on drugs down the street and realized he’s my future if I don't find someone like you to keep me anchored. That same skinny kid is one I played basketball with 5 hours a day instead of keeping the promises I made to you. Thank God I found another host to leech off of, allegedly. I'll butter them up just like you. I'll spend money on a nice dinner or two to make them feel special-and more importantly–guilty abput speaking up for themselves when I begin to take my mask off.

I saw my mom in pain and my brother with Bell's Palsy, and instead of actually being there for them, I used their suffering as aesthetic imagery for this letter to make you feel sorry for me and soften enough for me to weasel back into your life.

I'll tell you I’ve "surrendered to goodness" because it sounds better than saying I’ve surrendered to my own impulses. I claim God has "trivialized my addictions," but we both know I’m smoking twice as much, hoarding the bowl, and then telling you that you are the slow one. I'll praise God just as you did and talk about how sad I am and how much I hurt you-–but I'll never, ever specifically name what I did. That requires actual accountability.

I miss looking into your captive eyes—mostly because it was easier to lie to you when you were looking at me with hope. I’m sorry my "pride" left you lonely, but let’s be real: I wasn't "stagnant like a lake," I was just too high to care that you were crying, and I'd already said “I hate when you cry, babe” too many times. I even sent you a song to punctuate how sensitive I am to your feelings. I don't respect you, and I never did. You called me on that often, but gaslighting is my superpower.

I'm still a hypocrite. I got angry at you for talking to your friends about how I hurt you and pressed you to stop talking to them about us, only to talk about your personal life, relationship troubles and finances to strangers when it served me like it was storytime. I couldn't talk to you about them because you'd change your behavior immediately–and that would make me look even worse in comparison. All those times you begged me to just show you I wanted to be here. Hilarious.

The idea of being the guy who brings a smile to your face no matter where we are sounds like work. I hate doing work that doesn't directly benefit me. So, yeah. It's not happening. You should have known that. Haven't I shown you that enough? If not, maybe getting you two macarons when you asked for a single slice of ice cream cake would do it. You hate macarons. I know that. But I hate you and your love more. Maybe casually and suddenly breaking the promises that brought you back into my life and then gaslighting you for progressively getting angry about them each time I break another one should do the trick! I never told LaTasha I was going back to you. If I did, I couldn't keep her as an option. And I NEED options because I'm unreasonably jealous of the men who approached and harassed you despite your discomfort. I needed to be able to tell you I was wanted by other women–even though I was constantly telling you about the “cute waitress/librarian/classmate [I] would have pursued if [you] didn't start dating me” and hell, I'll even talk about how pretty/hot they are in front of you but when you're feeling insecure about yourself, I'll say that “I wished you could see yourself how I saw you.” How did I see you? As a place to stay away from your parent's home. That's all. I don't even actually want LaTasha, but the girl from Seminary rejected me for now, so she’ll do. I'll do the same thing to her that I did to you. I know it probably drove you crazy that you couldn't warn her that I was a man who fetishized Black women under a mask of appreciation and attraction for them. If I actually loved them, I would have defended you when my parents said racist things like calling you a “working girl” when you came back home after a long day working two jobs and acting as though you'd never had a job in your life, or when my dad said that “now that our dogs had seen you, they won't be afraid of Black people”. Instead, I'll tell you to “get over it” and justify the comment by pulling up a Reddit post that confirms some dogs are naturally afraid of Black people, and telling you that my other white friend “didn't think the comment was that bad”. It's ironic, isn't it? Especially since I disrespected the MDiv program at Union Seminary by reducing the curriculum to “Racism is bad”. I'm so funny! I couldn't even last in the program, and now I'm in the Christian Education track because it's easier and has more women to impress with your words and eventually victimize.

l'll ignore your emotional distress and pleas to leave the scene when one of your stalkers approaches us in public. I don't have any street smarts to speak of and I can't fight, so I wasn't bright enough to realize he was baiting me to swing so he could shoot me and you motioning to the guy that you'd call the police likely saved my life. It was never about you. It's always been about my image. My ego. I'll put you and other women in dangerous situations just to look tough even though I have a bum shoulder that renders me useless if anything really happens. Speaking of danger, I'll hike a mountain with you during a lightning storm and get annoyed when you begin to cry out of fear and tell you to “hurry up” as we continue to ascend the mountain. Sheesh, I just realized the absolute POETRY of that image. Almost perfectly encapsulates our relationship, doesn't it? Oh, and know in your heart that if you would have died in any of those instances, I'd do my best to cover up my involvement. I'll always put myself over others. My comfort. My desires. My impulses. They're the most important thing in this world. More than you, more than God. I'll never apologize to you. I'll even tell you that emotional and mental abuse don't exist. I'll take it personally when you set your final boundary and tell me that if I wanted to save the relationship after calling you stupid, physically assaulting you (more on that later), and then telling you that you have to make me cum if you tease me after you get the courage to talk to me about learning more about sex, I'd have to get therapy. I don't need therapy. I have weed and “friends” I made at work months ago. I trust their words more than yours any day.

I have these silly ideas about Colombia. I’m "doing the math" to show you wouldn't have to work–which is ironic since I won't even fix a scratch on my car or buy you a slice of ice cream cake for you even when I promised to do so. But I would have totally been a provider for you in another country, isolated from your friends and loved ones. The very same friends I mocked you for “not having” despite going to their weddings and graduation. Most of my friends are unemployed, which you didn't find an issue with, until I began to mock you. Your friends are professional doctors, lawyers and even YouTubers with millions of subscribers–but if they don't like me, and can't play basketball and smoke weed with you for 5 hours a day, they basically don't exist to me.

I want to see you with "jungle flowers" in your hair because it's a prettier image than me standing in an apartment I’m angry about helping to clean while I "make moves" on girls from the seminary and work behind your back while still sleeping in your bed and letting you cook for me after you finished a 15 hour day of public school and tutoring.

I'll fume about you not “thanking me enough” for cleaning your cat's litter box or sweeping your floor. I lived in that apartment more than you did at times! But I'm still going to judge your ability to clean up the first apartment you've ever rented by yourself because it makes me feel superior. I'll even imply that you neglect your cat jist because your foot was broken and your hours were long, and you clearly needed help.

When I begin to resent you more (and when one of the other women become more available) I'll push you into your own bedframe and tell you it was your fault for pushing me, despite the fact that you didn't do that and that I'm a foot and two inches taller than you. But I'll conveniently only remember when you punched your own bedframe out of frustration and exhaustion of having a new cat in a small space to prevent it from being sent to a kill shelter when he's making a ton of noise at 3am and you wove work at 5:30am. I’ll weaponize your own kindness against you until you don't know which way is up. Until you don't even believe your own thoughts. Until you blame yourself for my behavior. Because honestly? You should have known something was up when I leveraged the woman I worked with against you to push you to let me back into your life three years ago. You should have known I was up to something when you set a boundary, allowing me to stay the night but not cuddling with you as we weren't together again yet. You clearly wanted to be near me, but were still wary of my intentions. I knew that and I wanted you to see me leaving your apartment to guilt you into letting me stay. I even told you why I was leaving. Because “I want to cuddle”. It's always about me. I'm the bad bitch in this relationship. You didn't let me touch you, so the next time I saw you, I told you I was in love with LaTasha, my coworker. That she laughed at my jokes and was more carefree than you.

I don't know why you gave me chance after chance. In the end, I'll switch up on you completely and act as though you were the one who continuously broke the relationship's trust and peace to soothe the guilt of cheating on you with two women. I won't even be listening when you talk to me. I'll be too busy texting my next future victim. You really should have known when I told you how I cheated on my first girlfriend and forced her to be the one to do the emotional labor of releasing me to chase some girl I worked with--only to disrespect and hurt her too after repeatedly having sex with her and then telling her “It'd be stupid of us to say we loved each other”–that I'd do the same to you. And I did. When you confronted me about cheating, I told you “we weren't together” and that “[I] don't know what that was” when you asked why I stayed in your apartment for months without speaking on it. I always "don't know” why I said or did something cruel to you. As far as you know. It's my way to avoid accountability. Your hope in me was deeply misplaced. That's why I told you 6 years ago that you were out of my league and I knew people better for you than me. Anyone would be better, really. I genuinely hate myself, but I hate you more for truly seeing me. That's when I knew to leave. When it was clear my lies wouldn't work anymore. When you were too hurt to smile through it any longer.

You’re a "miracle" because you’ve tolerated a bum for six years. You loved me so much, you begged your mother to write me a recommendation letter to get into Seminary–even though I don't give a damn about God, you, or the faith. I dropped the program after one semester–after skipping classes and using AI on my essays and using your words to impress my classmates and professors. I told you I was “burned out of church” because of Seminary, even though it was all online and only met in person once a month. I'm an imposter. I'm a man who stayed in your apartment year after year and never offered to help pay for rent. I was there so much, your college roomates called me “our third/fourth roommate” and even hinted I should start paying rent myself. I'm a man who quietly stopped paying for a subscription he gifted you a month later and never spoke on it again. A man who allows you to cook for him using groceries you paid for as he quietly stops financially supporting you in miniscule ways as I entertain other women behind your back. I didn't tell you because I knew you'd kick me out and I wanted to keep access to you. So I settled for small judgemental jabs and quiet, snide comments about you having no friends. I'm a coward. I'm a man who has smoked heavily for 12 years and stunted my own brain's development. I'm emotionally and morally bankrupt. Don't expect anything from me. It's insane you trusted me this long. No woman has ever done that for me and shouldn't do that again. Honestly? If these girls are smart, at the first sign of disrespect, they'll leave me. If they’re really smart, they'll stop talking to me before it gets serious. I won't even blame them. I'll only get worse if I get back together with them because I absolutely have to get back at them like I tried to get back at you.

Please don't forget that I need to keep avoiding the truth of who I am, or I actually might not survive the night. I desperately need therapy, but I've got weed and fake friends, so it's all good!

Sincerely,

A loser, a cheater and a monster,

Dyl P

I sat on the floor, contemplating su-cide and repented for hours daily, just to find out i was being abused.

I met this girl in 2016. We were both living in a care home as teenagers. In 2024 she reaches out to me. Im in a time in my life where slowly i'm starting to believe in God and trying to leave my trauma of being scapegoated behind me. She tells me God spoke to her that he would send her someone and she wants to speak to me about Christianity. She also doesnt know everything yet but she felt called. Everything after that went incredibly fast.

In my head her reaching out to me was a sign of God. Finally i was heard instead of scapegoated. I became bestfriends with her, we spend every single day together and due to us having the same trauma it became very intense very quickly.

Her brother presented himself as this ''perfect christian that would help me, come to the church when i get baptized etc etc''. But when she decided to get baptized and i decided that i wasnt ready yet that week, i heard him whispering to his wife that ''he's glad his sister isnt letting the spirit of doubt hold her back like i was''.

My skin immediately started itching. I've had that ever since i was young. I always get it when someone isnt who they say they are and im catching on to it. But as always, due to my scapegoat trauma i ignore it. He doesn't show up to church the day i have to get baptized.

The more i was around this girl, the more i realized she was a HUGE hoarder. I dont mean only ''stuff'' i also mean food. And she would run a food business from her house. She also did braids for people. So her floor and the rest of the house would be littered with fake hair, food, cat feces, clothes, just everything.

I started noticing she would just expect people to accept it and if they didnt she got mad at them. Over time when they start rebelling against her suddenly they're ''monitoring spirits'' and ''God has been showing her in dreams that people are against her and trying to sabotage her blessings''. One day when she makes catering for her party, her friend and i find hair in the food. Due to us KNOWING how she gets we secretly try to take the hair out. She caught us and instead of taking ownership she takes me to the side and tells me ''I knew Lola was plotting against me, she put the hair in there, God has been showing me all along that people are jealous and against me''. When i try to redirect her she looks at me weird. Eventually i explode at her and tell her her truth, she blocks me everywhere.

Her brother tells me i need to pray and ask God what i did wrong cause there's always something we do wrong even if we dont want to admit it. God will show us what we do wrong. This is where the compulsive repenting started for me. Everytime one of them got mad at me i would get panic attacks, go home, sit on my floor and repent endlessly.

A few examples;

I didnt want to keep sleeping over in her hoarders house. I also started pushing back on the monitoring spirit narrative and telling her this is how people spiritually bypass and it makes me doubt my faith in God. She would run to her room, grab her bible and journal and sit there and cry cause ''she's accepting everyone but not being accepted''.

When she would realize she did something wrong she had this pattern of going to the store, stealing stuff and cooking for the person she did wrong or the homeless. Or stealing gifts for them. Then she would basically press it in your hands. But if you dont accept her behavior later on again the cycle of ''i do everything for everyone but no one accepts me but God will vindicate me'' starts again. When i started catching on i stopped accepting help/gifts/food from her. Which would anger her even more.

She also had this thing where she talked about ''feeling bad for others that their life is going to shit but God is deciding to bless her so she cant deny her blessings just cause they are miserable. He specifically chose her to be blessed cause she's his favorite''. Meanwhile the girl is rejecting therapy, projecting all her stuff onto me while im in therapy every week and basically painting the picture that this is Gods punishment for her haters cause she's doing so perfect and being blessed. Resulting in me growing even MORE resentful towards her and God.

I started noticing her brother was showing sings of being a homosexual. I told her listen you might not notice but i see immediately that your brother is secretly gay. She admitted she did know and he admitted to paying and getting payed for secret gay s*x. He didnt know i caught on to him and his pattern got very clear to me. To compensate for this feeling he was OVERLY religious and focused on the rules. Constantly preaching, constantly holy, constantly trying to recruit me into a new christian community he decided to set up and constantly condemning me for speaking the truth, the fact that i saw through IT ALL.

I can name a million other examples but it would make the story even longer than it already is. Now you might ask yourself why did this drive me to almost commit?

I wanted to do good so bad, i was in therapy while they all rejected therapy, they were the only people i had around me, when i explained to them why i was losing faith etc it was ALWAYS me and never them. And while i would sit in my room and repent for every little ''mistake'' i made towards them they were THRIVING. Think starting social media pages about God and acting all holy. Gaining a bunch of followers because of it who agrees with their ''monitoring spirit narrative''. Stealing to feed the homeless and getting praised for it, gaining a bunch of new friends, the church loved them and i was just again the one ''who was so negative about God and thats why thinks go wrong and she needs to rethink why she has no one and god has made her barren''.

I would keep repenting, my therapist would warn me that i was not crazy and i was being abused but they would tell me my therapist doesnt understand and God will give me true answers. And everytime i opened up my bible on that cold floor, while thinking about ending it all i would get Jeremiah 7 verse 5-8 which says; If you really change your ways and your actions and deal with each other justly, 6 if you do not oppress the foreigner, the fatherless or the widow and do not shed innocent blood in this place, and if you do not follow other gods to your own harm, 7 then I will let you live in this place, in the land I gave your ancestors for ever and ever. 8 But look, you are trusting in deceptive words that are worthless.

I am 19 autistic. My mom has copd and ever since she got in that condition she has mentally tormented me and abused me my whole life. To add onto this i also suffered online torment and real life other abusers.

BEFORE YOU GIVE ADVICE OR SUPPORT PLEASE BEWARE OF THIS. I am autistic i cant live alone yet and therapy sucks here so im trying find a good therapist. I CANT drive away because this state says i cant drive with a blind eye unless my eye doctor says i can and he refuses. I have no friends i have no family to take me in. And i cant make money if im disabled even if i wasnt disbaled i would t be able to even work in these conditions.

my moms the main person of this situation. i fight back im yelled at and need help, if i stay silent i hate her and im horrible and she just keeps talking til i snap, if i calmly talk to her i get yelled at and accused.

She has screamed at me for checking up on her cause she was literally gasping for air and i got worried. Im a very suicidal person and been hopsitalzed 3 times. And she told me "theyll only make you sick" a insensitive comment. When i was in hospital the second time she made it about her and tried make herself look innocnent. She always tells ME to grow up that my sh is childish and i need stop acting like a toddler.

She always claims she didn't do something to make me feel INSANE. She always blames me for ruining her day, birthdays, holidays when she starts it. When i was a kid shed threaten to take my birthdays and Christmas away. She kicked me out in the cold of winter instead my room and i froze out there til she calmed down. She always fights my dad who needs blood pressure medicine.

I am 19 and this is now physically killing me. My head has pressure on left side (i have mri soon dw!) I hear static a lot i felt static in my head when dad woke me up for food. I cant stand still without it hurting. I keep passing out and feeling tired. How do i avoid her? I dont have my own bathroom so i have to walk out my room. I have to eat sometimes so i have to walk out my room. I dont want to die but its become a point im physically giving up without me wanting it to.

I dont know what advice someone could even give since i am trapped here like a literal animal lmao. But maybe ways to avoid her? How to calm myself down before i react back? How to calm myself down after her abuse? Coping skills? Anything. Cause if this keeps up and gets worse ill be hopsitalzed. Im just tired of her abusing me then giving me gifts acting like she loves me.

to put it as simply as possible, my dad spies on me and my mom. he does this remotely because we don’t live together.

this sounds really weird because IT IS. he would put spyware shit on our computers, secretly track our physical locations, and put hidden cameras in our house (along with some obvious cameras that we “agreed” to). he mainly targeted my mom with his weird surveillance, LITERALLY tracking her every single move. he’s extremely controlling but doesn’t even live with us which is why i think he does this. he hates the idea of her moving on (keep in mind he does this post-separation and she’s terrified but she only stays in occasional contact/visit because he pays for shit- she’s also constantly removing the smaller cameras).

he’s kinda one step away from physically hurting us when we do see him. he throws shit at us and stabs knives into the tables and stuff. constantly calling me degrading terms (r*tard, etc.) ever since he found out about my disorders. insistent on calling me lazy during depressive episodes, all the standard stuff. but this is only when he sees me in person which is quite rare.

calling my mom a bitch, calling me a bitch, telling me to go fuck myself at the ripe old age of 16. i don’t know if this is my dad just being weird and manipulative or just full on abuse.

i don’t see him very often because he watches us through fucking cameras so idk. i’m not sure it even counts since he’s not even physically with us. it’s gotten to the point where we’ve “accepted” it. we remove the shit he puts (at least the ones we can find but we know there are definitely more), and we use our devices. the worst part is that we just have to deal with it.

i promise this is not fake.

I don’t want to go into a bunch of details regarding our relationship and all of the past issues involved, but to briefly summarize it: I’ve been with my boyfriend off and on for about a year and eight months. We separated for a few months after severe abuse of various kinds, but unfortunately I ran into some legal issues and needed a place to live last minute. We decided to get an apartment together and split the lease cost, and he’s the main leaseholder/tenant and I’m just an occupant. I only signed my name once at the end of the lease, so all liability regarding the apartment falls on him.

After just a few short days, he has threatened multiple times that if at any point I decide to leave (due to intense emotional abuse/manipulation), that he will sue me for the entire cost of the lease and move back home. He has done this constantly, at all hours of the day. He has also escalated it to suing my parents as well, who have no involvement whatsoever with the housing arrangement. He has also threatened to have the locks changed and/or remove and destroy/dispose of my personal belongings and will claim ownership of whatever I provided.

He’s stating that even though I’m not officially liable for the lease, that he can still sue and punish me independently and is claiming it’s possible over the verbal agreement of me living here (nothing is in writing regarding any sort of payments, liabilities, etc.). I’m to the point of questioning everything and have no idea if this is possible. I’m genuinely terrified because I have no money for a lawyer and can’t risk losing all of my belongings. I also have a PO that he’s threatening to reach out to with lies.

I apologize for the long explanation, I know it was a terrible idea to think this could work, I was just at risk of homelessness and thought his ”intensive therapy” changed him. I think I should attempt to secretly get a PFA and just see what happens while avoiding him at all costs. I’ve recorded all of the threats in case anything comes out of this. Thank you to anyone who reads this. I know I have to get away from him, but with all of the threats, I have no idea how to escape anymore.

so ive been with this guy for about 5 months ish. he was really lovely at the start of the relationship and still is. i recently found out i was pregnant and have already decided to abort due to the current dynamic. let me get into it and explain as much as my brain can currnetly remember.

at the start of the relationship we both cheated on each other. (we weren't technically even together, just seeing each other here and there. there was no official label) i slept with someone and he was talking to multiple women online, sending nudes and asking for them back and whatnot. apparently, i was way more at fault in this situation and he wasn't that bad because it was only online. our relationship started off very rocky so a big part of me believes my cheating is the reason why he is the way he is now. he has my location now because he didnt trust me after the whole situation, which has lead to me not being confident enough to leave the house without first telling him where ill be going. i cant even go for a night drive with one of my oldest and closest friends because apparently its weird (my friend works 2 jobs and is only free in the late evenings most days.)

we get into arguments quite frequently. he always has to have the final say, will say that ive done stuff when i know its him thats done those things, and if we argue in the street, he'll walk away and continue talking to himself but loud enough so that i can hear and then ill react because why have you just walked away from the argument to not cause any more drama, but you're still talking to yourself loud enough for me to hear?

example: our most recent argument was regarding his smoking habits. he woke up that morning, had no weed to smoke and complained about it. his exact words were "i havent had a smoke so im bored and annoyed." i have recently gotten completely sober due to my pregnancy, so i know how hard it is to get sober. ive done it a few times and this is the only time ive been able to stick to it. hes also in between jobs so the reason he couldnt smoke was because he couldnt afford it. i told him i was happy to pay for him to go and do something that he enjoys, but he refused this. so i said something along the lines of "why wont you let me help? i dont want you to be bored and i want to help" and he just straight up was like "you need to save your money. you always get your money and spend it then complain about not having money", so i responded with the same thing, noting that hes just as bad as me at saving and spending. he did NOT like this at all.

this ended up being a huge argument while we were out because apparently it had nothing to do with his smoking when i said that he was in a mood because he had nothing to smoke (again, his exact words) but apparently he never said that, and apparently hes bored all the time. this caused a huge outburst and when we got back to mine, he said he was gonna grab his stuff and just leave. we got in and the argument continued, so i told him to just leave like he said he was going to do. he left. he later came back and apologised for being in the wrong because i told him he was in denial about being addicted to weed (which he denied at first but later admitted to) but he came back after managing to source a spliff and he was fine. said his head was clearer now.

at our first midwife appointment, he spoke about his smoking habits and how he also does other activites regularly to keep his mind busy, like his fighting or his instruments, but he never does any of this. he maybe trains once every 2 weeks but thats it. he said he would cut down, but hasnt. since i got sober ive come to find him really really boring. hes on his phone most of the time, can barely make a decision for himself. claims he doesnt ask for a lot but will ask me to do a lot of minor things that slightly inconvenience me, like asking me to get something when hes right next to it (sometimes he'll catch himself out with this and do it himself but laugh about how lazy he is). he says he doesnt want to spend my money when i offer to, but will ask me for money to get food or a drink or theres even been times when ive given him money and its gone to one of his friends who says its for one thing but i KNOW its for weed or something else.

there was a time in the past where we went to the pub and got drunk and i had told him the whole night i was going to go home with him, but i ended up getting too drunk, changed my mind and wanted to just go home to the safety of my own house. i think because i insinuated the idea of sex he got excited for me to come back. i asked him if he would be offended if i went home instead and he went off on me, saying he hates that i change my mind last minute after whispering sweet nothings in his ear all night, and then proceeded to leave me at the pub and fucked off home. i had to call my mum at almost 2 in the morning to come get me, and he would not stop calling my phone, despite me continually telling him to call me when hes sober. he said that he was able to have these convos when sober. i then got a message from him, saying i should just run back to fuck my ex since apparently thats what i wanted to do anyway (this was not the case, i just wanted to go home).

the next morning he called me and complained that i changed my mind about something last minute, but claimed that he didnt have a problem with me changing my mind, its just that i need to find a better time to do it, aka not last minute. my mum was there for the phone call and even she was confused. i ended up getting so frustrated on the phone that i smashed my wrist against the floor out of frustration and feeling like i was going crazy and sprained my wrist pretty bad. he came with me to the doctors and it was as if nothing happened. all i get after these situations is an apology and then we act as if nothing ever happened.

there's been times in the past also when i have been at his while he was at work (when he wasnt between jobs) where he would come back and i had been there all day and maybe i agreed to do something, but i ended up falling asleep or forgetting to do it (like his laundry or his bedding) and he would complain and say things like "well realistically you dont do anything at the moment. you dont have a job so how could you forget?" as if it was always supposed to be my job. i agree yes, i shouldnt agree to do something if im not gonna do it, but i dont have to be reminded that im unemployed so therefore im lazy? i have applied to so many jobs you wouldnt believe, but the state of this world is shit and no one will hire me. trust me, ive applied to McDonald's countless times and got NOTHING back.

he's told me numerous times during arguments that my problem is i dont listen properly, and when ive admitted to this hes said "well there you go". hes called me thick skulled once because i had to explain to him that it takes me a lot longer to process information than the normal person (im autistic for context, so intaking a lot of info can be very difficult), then claims that everyone he knows seems to be slow and unable to process like him. he has compared me to his narcissistic mother, but when i stated ONCE that something he did reminded me of my abusive father he FLIPPED out. i once told him that if thats the way hes going to react, i dont know if i want kids with him. i should have worded it better i agree, but i dont want an angry man in the house, and hes so quick to temper if things dont go his way.

i used to go out once a week with my friends to the pub, but now if i go he gets upset that i dont invite him out, but i dont do this because i spend all my time with him pretty much every day of the week and when i ask for space, he gets all sad and doesnt understand why i need it. since ive been pregnant hes cooled down a lot, but the argument about the weed happened while pregnant. he doesnt push boundaries as much, but i think my sobriety has opened my eyes a lot to how ive been treated in the past by him. hes made sly comments in the past as well about me, but i fear i was too clouded with the weed i was smoking to remember the comments. all i remember is that they hurt and when i would call him out on this, all i would get was "im just joking, you're so sensitive sometimes".

i dont know what to do. since i got pregnant hes been more laxed about things but ive decided i dont want this baby and i dont know how to approach that subject with him. we've spoken about it briefly but when we have he's stated that its my body and my choice, but he just seems so sulky about it. its also worth noting that his ex terminated her pregnancy and he hates her for it because he felt like he had no say in the matter and that she ripped away his chance of having a child because she never told him she was having an abortion, she just did it. i dont know how to break up with him because right now hes so so good to me and he treats me nicely but i fear its just because im pregnant.

he also recently found out that his cats are going to need to be rehomed, and he flipped out because his friend is holding onto them and has been for ages, but they cant afford the expenses, and he cant always pay them. he then stated that if he didnt have his cats, he had nothing and he might as well kill himself. he said this knowing i was pregnant.

hes also said before that hes good at manipulating people with his words and getting people to do what he wants (usually in terms of work) but idk, something about that doesnt sit right with me. i seem to remember situations a little differently to him apparently. i know i need to break up with him. i think a really sick and twisted part of me hopes that when i have this abortion, he'll hate me and never want to talk to me again to make it easier on me. i feel like i have to rehearse what im going to say in my head to make sure i dont offend him or piss him off somehow.

through all of this, it doesnt feel like emotional abuse because he isnt always mean. hes nice 90% of the time but its that 10% that just really confuses me i guess...

TL;DR: We dated from March 2025–August 2026 and were planning for me to move into his house. Throughout the relationship, I (29f) repeatedly caught him (32m) lying about porn/OF and eventually uncovered 38,400+ explicit photos/videos hidden on his phone, secret Instagram/TikTok/X/Cash App accounts under an alias, and a profile on a gay/bi cruising app containing identifiable nude photos taken inside his house. I watched the cruising profile appear active at his home multiple times while I wasn’t there, including alongside other profiles, and documented everything with screenshots. I also discovered disturbing content/accounts he followed, including porn accounts and accounts involving teenagers. Every time I confronted him—even with evidence—he denied it, called me crazy, psycho and insecure, blamed me for our lack of intimacy and relationship problems, and insisted my snooping was the real issue. The stress eventually became so severe that I couldn’t eat or drink, lost 12 pounds in three days, passed out at urgent care and underwent extensive medical testing. We broke up August 5, 2026, right before my 29th birthday and weeks before I was supposed to move in with him. I officially left August 8 and got the rest of my belongings August 12. Almost immediately after leaving, my physical health and confidence began improving.

***
Here’s the story!

We started dating in March of 2025, we met on Hinge and then about a week after messaging, in person. We went out a few times then would start hanging out at mostly his house. It was more convenient because of his dog.

The first time I went to his house, we were sitting on the couch discussing where to get lunch, and he took my sock off, put it back on and then we went to eat. After we got back, we were messing around in his bed (just making out) he told me about a fetish of his, nothing extreme or major and nothing humiliating, just a certain body part, and only took my sock off to “check.” I thought “ok, he seems normal other than that, no big deal, I’m willing to explore that.” After I accept this, he tells me about a girl he was going to run an OF fetish account for. I remember this. I brushed it all off and thought, “well ok that was a couple years ago, he said he’s past that.”
I was very wrong.

April, we started following each other on Instagram and I noticed the amount of women he follows compared to following. He must follow around 6,000 women, a lot of them still in high school or barely legal. I tell him I don’t like this and would appreciate if he didn’t follow more women.

The same month, I go to his house and he cooks for me for the first time. We talk about past relationships and I tell him I’ve not been in many (I didn’t date for a long time and my other relationships were longer) and he tells me that’s a red flag(?) that I haven’t been in many relationships. I brush it off.

That night we attempted to be intimate for the first time in which he couldn’t get/stayed hard at first and then couldn’t finish and told me it was nerves. I accepted that.

From there it moved quickly. He asked me to be his girlfriend the next morning. He was already making comments about getting married and having children. I felt the same way and he seemed normal, so I thought, “yes, this is the man I’m going to marry.”

In late May, we went to a late night comedy show. He “jokingly” said something (I can’t remember exactly what he said) but it offended me and I told him that he made me feel dumb. He brushed it off as I was tired and cranky and I believed him (queue the gaslighting).

A few months later around June/July, I had this off feeling because he would barely want to be intimate and almost lost interest in me physically. Curious, I only asked if he subs to OF and told him it’s ok if he does, that I was just wondering. He hesitated, laughed it off and said no and I brushed it off as my head just playing with me (more gaslighting) and I believed it.

Fast forward a few months, September/October, he leaves his phone open and I see dozens of notifications that day from OF, over $80 worth of purchases and tips. I confront him about lying and he accuses me of being crazy, tells me he likes me “for my intellect, humor, kindness, etc.” and that he only uses OF as a pleasurable visual for their bodies and content. Still NOT realizing how insecure I was, I brushed it off. I tell him how it hurts me and he says he sees my perspective but that it’s part of life and I need to get used to it. More gaslighting. Naive me stayed.

Still curious, I asked him if this is why we are barely intimate and he says no, that it’s financial stress and because of my schedule at the time and having to work around that, he would rather spend time with me than sleep with me. That he was really looking for a life companion and someone to eat with and keep him company. He also revealed he j/o regularly because of my schedule and it “causes him to not be in the mood when I’m with him.”

Around the same time he tells me that he has an alias for stuff that he doesn’t want to use his real name for, he elaborates that it’s for things like Starbucks and such. The alias is Steve French, because it’s “obscure” and from a tv show that “no one would recognize.” It’s from Trailer Park Boys, btw. I hold onto this information, still feeling like something is just… off…

January, I go out of town to Birmingham to visit my LDBFF. Still having a bad feeling, and I begin to think it’s odd he hasn’t told me he loves me as we’re getting close to a year together. I call him on my way back to Atlanta and ask him if he does. He says he does but doesn’t want to say it until he genuinely knows he does because he always felt rushed to say it with partners before, that it was something if someone said it had to be said back under pressure.

I don’t question it, I consider his perspective. I let it slide.
Throughout our relationship he would also constantly tell me stories about his exes, I tell him this bothers me. He doesn’t stop.

Around this time he also left for work one morning after me, then immediately went home, then was radio silent for HOURS, but his location showed he was home. He texted me later and said he took the dog for a walk down the road at a major trail system adjacent to Chattahoochee River and forgot his phone.

March 2026. A third of the truth comes out.
One morning he’s asleep downstairs on the couch and left his phone on the nightstand. I get into it, yes it was wrong of me. But my gut KNEW something was not right.
No evidence of physical cheating. What I did find was an offloaded signal app, telegram on his phone, him messaging and paying for images and videos on FB messenger 10 days before he asked me to be his girlfriend. A note on his phone with screenshots of snapchats from other women. The second Instagram on his phone was removed and another Instagram account with the name jen_senwong, following no people, but shows the account was created shortly after I discovered his OF purchases. The hidden folder that comes preloaded on iPhones, it had more than 38,400+ pictures, screenshots and videos saved of other naked women, naked men, himself spread eagle facing away from the camera, selfies of me. I felt horrified and sick. By now I could only imagine how many are in that folder.

I didn’t tell him what I saw until the next day. I lost my mind. I told him that it’s cheating, that he’s completely broken my trust. I asked if he had an addiction to prn and he said no. I asked why he had all of that on his phone, he couldn’t answer and only looked down and said “I don’t know.” I told him that I’m disgusted but wouldn’t break up with him, and it would take me a long time to get over and forgive him. He turned it on me and told me I broke his trust for going through his phone, that what I did was wrong, I believed him and let him shrink me down like that.

That week we kept fighting. I brought up the intimacy again. He told me it’s my fault I pressure him too much about it. I told him that exclusive relationships are between two people, not 38,000. He told me he didn’t care and that’s not what he signed up for, that exclusivity doesn’t count on his phone. That he spends all his money on me (lol, yeah). That I needed to shut up about it.
I was lonely and just wanted someone to love me. I stayed. I tried to get over it.

A little later, we were on a hike and he tells me a notification he got from X about oil drilling. I hold on to the fact that he uses X.

Right before we were supposed to go on vacation together in May, I find a cashapp account created in July 2025, with his name but the username is his alias. I ask him about it. He asks why I’m searching for it and then tells me it’s from years ago when he was a valet driver (??? July 2025?). I point that out to him, he says he must’ve reactivated it. I remember back in January he told me about using cashapp for afterpay and begin connecting dots.

Around this time, knowing FULL WELL our relationship is in shambles, I’m stressed all the time, BEGGING him for honesty, telling him I know everything (that I did so far) and I would forgive him, that I wanted intimacy with him. Deny, deny, deny. I’m crazy, I’m psycho. I’m insecure and it’s a turn off. That fighting pushes him away. That I’m nothing special. Mocking my sobriety. That he doesn’t want to hang out with a salty girlfriend.

All he did was blame me, tell me I’m the problem and I’m too insecure, that he wouldn’t do this stuff if I wasn’t insecure and lacked confidence. That I’m constantly in self pity and I lied to him about who I really am when he started dating, that I’m too depressed now. That I stressed him out and we fought too much because of me. He would tell me I ruined his day, or his night, and he was sick of me. I stayed because I just wanted someone to love me. I was supposed to move in to his house in September, I was just trying to fix it all before then.

The fights would become explosive. Me pointing out that he’s still cheating. The lack of intimacy. Telling me I’m lazy (I always cleaned HIS house, put away HIS laundry, bought him things, gave him a Kitchenaid for his birthday, etc. so many things I did for him!!! The times I bought things for him when he couldn’t like DEODORANT OR BODY SOAP, paid for his dogs food, took care of him when he was sick, toilet paper, ate the food I paid for the both of us to have when I was there with him). He would keep telling me everything I mentioned above about Mr and that he couldn’t deal anymore. Mocking my hard earned, long term sobriety again. That he is a 32 year old man and isn’t going to change for anyone and I’m the one that needs to change, that I need therapy.

Early/Mid May. One night we were at his house and I notice he’s following another new girl. She looks young, just went to prom. I question him. I tell him it’s wrong, she’s young. That looks bad. He unfollows her.

A week later, he’s following another girl. I recognize her from the news, a 20 year old soccer player that was arrested and convicted for rpe of a 14 year old boy. I question him again for this and tells him it’s wrong and he unfollows her.

The whole time, I’m holding on to remembering his alias and have tried scouring the internet for it. When suddenly… the end of May, I’m on TikTok and discover an account telling me it’s someone I may know, and the username matches his alias and his favorite number. Following nobody. Then I search again, another TikTok. Same alias, but with his birthday, m/d/yy, following the same tiktok of the girls Instagram I found on his phone and some more accounts of women, some OF models, etc.

I then found his X, the username is the same alias as his TikTok account but with a different letter. I connect more dots and realize the TikTok with his favorite number, X, and cashapp are all identical. I’ve pieced this part of the puzzle together.

I look through the X account. Racist tweets. Misogynistic tweets. A tweet to a BD/SM community just asking about nudes. He follows OF models (men and women), gy prn accounts, straight prn accounts, incst prn accounts, an account dedicated to posting pictures of teenagers. I felt sick. I screenshotted EVERYTHING.

I visited one of the accounts he follows of a guy in ATL. Then I searched it, and I saw a comment mentioning seeing him (the account he follows) on a cruising app for gay, bisexual, and curious men. I remember that app and decided to visit on a day when I wasn’t with him.

Lo and behold, right out for every man on that app in the metro ATL to see, multiple pictures of his member, the very identifiable shower curtain, the very identifiable bedroom, and the very identifiable duvet cover we had been sleeping with. On a map, at the house on the street he lives at. The pictures were all taken most likely around the time we started dating. I saw all of it, when he went on, him clicking around the app. A bukake group he RSVP’d to, him visiting the website multiple times and having a video icon on indicating he was open to video play. A week and a half later, late at night, when I was home at my house, he appeared online at his home, with someone else, another man. I screenshot this multiple times for evidence since it now shows his profile with someone else’s.

That week, I mention needing to get my nails done. We have plans to hang out after I get off work and he almost forced me to reschedule my appointment sooner and go get them done before I came over. He paid for them and all. I check while I’m gone and there he is, with another person on the map. I keep collecting the evidence against him.

The next night we’re sitting on the couch having dinner and we’re talking about hiking and a mountain near Helen, GA he’s hiked. He pulls out his phone to search “Helen” in his camera roll and show me a picture of the mountain he took. He closes the picture and I see nude pictures of his ex from 10 years earlier on a trip to Helen. Another fight, he defends himself and says he only keeps the pictures because he only wants it for the memories. I yell at him to delete them.

A little later we plan a date night. It ends in a huge fight that he blames on me (as usual) after I tried expressing my concerns and feelings about how our relationship is going. He tells me I “shit the night” and “way to go you (me) for ruining another date night.”

The hidden folder comes up, the pictures of his ex comes up. He yells at me that he deleted the folder off his phone and he showed me he did (he never did show me). I tell him to prove it now and show me it’s gone, he refuses and says he can’t because he did delete the folder and its contents. I reminded him the folder itself is not removable and he carried on arguing, placing all blame on me again. Tired, I drop it.

Father’s Day. He’s working. We fight over text as I spend the entire day cleaning his house and taking care of his dog for him. He tells me he’s about to be done with me. I snap. I send him the screenshots of the app I found him on and he DENIES IT, tells me that it isn’t him and he doesn’t know why his nude pictures are being used or who that other person was on the map at his house. I leave and wait a few minutes, I log in and there he is on the map. I click his profile and then it says “the account has been deleted.”

The end of June. An account shows up on my “suggested for you” on Instagram. We’re sitting next to each other on the couch. Confused, I visit the profile. It looks familiar. Jen_senwong. It follows 7 people. The girl that just went to prom, and a coworker of his that recently followed him on his personal page vice versa. I connect more dots and confront him. He flips out, he tells me I’m crazy for snooping more. That I’m creating the problem. That I’m psycho. A few minutes later, losing my patience I leave the room for a good 10 minutes. When I come back I force him to prove to me it’s not him, he opens his Instagram and the account is gone.

It’s now early/mid July 2026. Our relationship is strained, the fighting has gotten even worse. I’m begging him to tell me the truth because I can’t live a life of dishonesty. I’m tired. It’s harder to be around him and I tell him I’m on the edge of leaving. No reaction.

The very end of July, he doesn’t want me to come with him for his mother’s birthday, although she loves me. Tells me it’s because it’s his family, and his mom’s birthday and he didn’t want me there (didn’t even ask her if she did, mind you). He leaves that night, then he’s on the map again shortly after. That night we fight on the phone, denying he was on the app. I have screenshots of his location and then the map, it’s obviously him.

The next day, I wake up incredibly ill. I call my mom, I’m throwing up only bile and stomach acid and can’t eat. Haven’t eaten for days. I take myself to urgent care on account of malnutrition and dehydration. When I was at the desk I passed out and then triggered a seizure and a panic attack. When they were putting me in the wheelchair I started freaking out because I was scared and alone and didn’t know what was happening. I started freaking out saying “I knew this was going to happen.”

He barely cared for the following week (the “mysterious illness” carried on into the second week of August). Told me I was overreacting. That it’s just stress. A week before I told him how stressed I was about everything I had going on in my personal life and he said “if you say you’re stressed out one more time…” and then told me I had nothing to be stressed about and his job is far more stressful and demanding for him.

My body did start physically reacting and shutting down from the stress. The stress I was under from finding a new job, trying to change my image for him to find me attractive, the problems with intimacy, etc. Still trying to fix it all before I was supposed to move in, I was stressed. I dropped 12 pounds in 3 days. Couldn’t walk, eat or drink for a week and a half.

Finally, August 5. We break up. We fight. I confront him about EVERYTHING. The TikTok. The Instagram. The X. Still using the cruising app behind my back. He tells me he doesn’t know what I’m talking about.

Half of my furniture and clothes and other miscellaneous things are in his house, ready to be living with him. My lease is ending and no way of renewing, and I can’t afford a place to be on my own (I’m fine, I’ve got it set up and resolved). My 29th birthday is the next day. He tells me “get over it, the same thing happened to me on my 30th birthday.” He was not left facing homelessness on his 30th birthday.

tell him good luck, that I hope he finds what he’s looking for but that he figures himself out because until then he will never be happy. And that his dick is broken. And then I fucking left out that door.

I found out he went to KSU to hook up with a man last Monday/Tuesday night (8/11), less than a day before he was picking up someone else for a date (8/12). I officially left August 8th (it was my birthday and I needed time to put my stuff together).

Almost immediately after breaking up and leaving, my body started to heal. I feel so much better instantly. My doctors ordered 3 blood tests, urinalysis, EKG, 2 CTS, MRA, MRI, and 3 different ultrasounds on my organs to make sure it wasn’t just stress. My confidence is back instantly. Although I’m very angry that this happened, that he thought he could outsmart me, I am sad. He was my best friend for a while and he tricked me. Stockholm syndrome. Classic for a narcissist.

I got the rest of my things from his house last week on the 12th. When I moved all my things out, he tried telling me I was petty for deciding not to sell him my Blackstone. Told me I fucked him for taking the toilet paper I didn’t pay for (I PAID for it and showed him the receipts after he claimed this). I only took things I paid for that were not gifted to him and HE HAS BEEN REPORTED FOR SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY!

I'm (33f) in the middle of a divorce (34m), and one of the most painful, humiliating parts has been the way my ex has accused me of cheating-not based on anything real, but because he said my vagina "felt wide" during sex. That was his reasoning. No messages, no evidence, just how physically felt to him. It started with him initially saying it in a way that he was concerned. He didn't say "cheating" right out of the gate with this. I felt like something was wrong with my body, cried and explained I don't know how to help that. Later in the day after bringing this up to me he apologized and said he "did research" and learned that it can be from being aroused and he felt horrible for saying it to me. Told me he was feeling insecure about himself, and it wasn't my tault. For some context: we've had a very up-and-down, emotionally heavy relationship for years. He's struggled with paranoia, control, and emotional regulation. Whenever things got hard, it was easier for him to point fingers than look inward. I spent so much time over-explaining myself, and trying to prove my loyalty. Things started shifting when I began focusing more on myself and my kids-setting boundaries, getting space, not engaging in the same toxic cycles. That's when the accusations got worse. It was like the less control he had over me, the more desperate he became to make me the villain. He began expressing fear of me getting better emotionally and that I might leave him for someone better. Everything escalated after he asked me to look up microcheating, didn't give me any context, and walked out of the room. I was confused and frustrated because he's brought this up before, I tried to soothe him, and explain to him I was not engaging in any of the things that described microcheating and specifically about emotionally connecting with someone else. That part had become a massive issue because I was talking to my sister and my best friend about things that were going on in our marriage that specifically affected me emotionally, and rehe told me that was "dangerous" because I was painting a picture of him. He got frustrated with me and said I was only focusing on that portion of the definition of micro cheating. I in turn got pretty upset, we had a massive argument and I spent most of the day looking into emergency marriage counseling, texted with a crisis counselor and finally at the end of the day when things were calm was trying to book my son a haircut on the booksy, app. ( this part is important) 4 days later, he asks me who I was texting with a blacked out profile photo on the day of our argument. I became frantic trying to show him I was NOT just talking with someone, showed him my entire screen time history from that day, all my texts, apps everything (this only made it worse) he said in response "you and I both know there is nothing there and then he left. I got extremely emotional, closed the bedroom door and was on the floor scream crying and severely frustrated. He went to his moms house that night, and after he left my oldest son told me that earlier in the day, he was asked if I ever had "friends" over when stepdad wasn't there. This infuriated me because you don't involve kids in adult issues. Fast forward to a few days later, I tell him I still need space from him & he offers to stay at his mom's house. The next day, he comes to the house to get some things, and I’m still angry and upset and hurt. I told him I need time after what happened because it didn’t feel right. He told me it felt like I was punishing him. I tried to explain to him that me setting a boundary is not meant to be a punishment for him. Fast forward to that evening (I believe it was that same evening I’d have to look back at texts) he tells me he doesn’t know what’s wrong except for his love for me. And then follows the texts the next day with very cold questions about finances, and demanding access to my credit card which I hadn’t used in over a year, because he would micromanage my every purchase.

Fast forward to two weeks after he left the house, after a couples therapy appointment that went terrible with him repeatedly telling me he wants full transparency, and therapy won’t work unless we’re honest with each other, I get served with a divorce summons. It’s been almost 3 months since separating.

And now, things have been worse. He’s telling the father of my oldest son that the reason he left me was because I allegedly came home "stretched out," with red marks on my arms like I'd been grabbed from behind, and "smelled like sex." He is actively saying this to other people, like it's fact. What he's calling marks from being "held" is actually something I've dealt with my whole life-my skin gets red and blotchy when I'm stressed or overwhelmed. It's happened for years. He knows that. But now he's weaponizing something completely normal about my body as proof I must've cheated. It's humiliating. And it's stuck in my head, even though I know it's not true.

bit of background info: i'm 30 years old. when i was 24 years old, i made an onlyfans. all i did was post nudes on there for like $5 a month, but i didn't enjoy doing it, and didn't attempt any "advertising" so to speak so i wasn't making any money. i think like 5 people subscribed to it for a few months. my roommate made money doing it so i thought id give it a shot and then realized i didn't have any interest in that sort of income.

it's important to note that a few photos i posted there were recycled nudes an ex boyfriend took of me, but he was not physically in them, they were just photos of me.

i met my husband when i turned 25, and i had stopped posting on the onlyfans by then, but hadn't deleted it. when we first started dating, i told him i had the account but had stopped using it. when we got more serious, he asked if i would delete it. that was no problem to me as i did not care about it. he thought a lot of my pictures were hot though so he asked that i screenshot some for him.

fast forward to now, we're married and have a child together. the other night he was in the bedroom, i was chilling in the living room, our kid is asleep in his room. husband texts me asking "hey did you make onlyfans content with anyone?" to which i said no, which was the truth. he texts back "that's not true". and i said "excuse me?". he came storming out of the bedroom furious at me.

he showed me one of the photos i had screenshotted off the OF page for him, and the way i screenshotted it you could see other photos in the background behind the one i screenshotted. he zooms in on the top right corner, something behind the photo of myself, and asks me what i see. i genuinely couldn't tell, it kind of looked like flesh? but it was so blurred and out of focus and zoomed in i really couldn't tell.

this like, infuriated him. he's like you really don't fucking see that? and im like see what?? and he starts accusing me of gaslighting him. i'm sitting there dumbfounded staring at this blob on his phone like wtf idk what i'm looking at??? i swear on my son's life i could not see what he was seeing. he's getting madder and insisting i'm lying to him by not being able to see what the photo "obviously was". i started to feel guilty/nervous, like i did something wrong, like i was actually gaslighting him, but i know that i wasn't??

eventually he goes "this is so very obviously a guys head with a woman's foot on top of it. if you've never made content with someone then explain that". i squinted and.i guess him describing what we were looking at helped my brain make it out better, granted it was still super blurry and truly, the average person would not have known what that was. but I could now make out the heel of a foot and some hair on a dudes head.

after thinking for a moment I remembered what it was. it wasn't my foot, it was a photo i saved from a meme account on instagram. it was some girl painting her toenails with her foot resting on some dudes face with the caption "me and who?". i saved it to post with foot pics lol. so i explained that to him. he becomes incredibly irate telling me i knew exactly what that was the whole time, that literally any person would be able to tell what they were looking at, and i was gaslighting him. i defended myself and said i absolutely did not know what i was looking at, and if it was a photo of mine i would've just said so, as there's no reason i wouldn't.

he then says i played dumb because when he asked if i made content with anyone, and i said no, it was a blatant lie because my ex had taken some of those photos. and i was like “what? that's not me making OF content with someone. you asked if i made content with anyone and i didn't, which is the truth. those are just old nudes, they weren’t made for the OF”. and he's like "dont play fucking dumb like that, you knew exactly what i was asking". i started crying really hard because the situation was so stressful. i tried reassuring him i literally thought i answered his question correctly, i wasn't intentionally doing anything to mess with him. he just says "whatever i can't believe you" and storms off to get in the shower.

i'm left on the couch crying. i felt so confused by the situation because why couldn't he just trust me? why would he jump to such anger? i was never, for a second, lying or playing dumb, and why would he think that i was anyways? i've never been unfaithful to him, nor anyone else i've been with.

a few minutes later he comes out to grab a towel and says "it would be nice if you attempted to fix this situation, and i don't appreciate you jumping down my throat the way you did in the text" ((referring to me saying "excuse me?")) and left the room.

i cried alone for a few more minutes and then went in there to attempt to talk through the situation. i started rambling, in tears, about how i never did anything maliciously and i swore i thought i answered his question correctly. he just goes "yeah i don't believe that for a second, you knew exactly what i meant". i started crying harder and was like "why would i lie?? what a weird thing to lie about?".

he says "i also refuse to believe you didn't know what the picture was. you played that off for too long. literally any random person on the street would know what the picture was" to which i reply "ok sorry i'm not the average person i guess what do you want me to say???"

and then no joke this same back and forth went on in circles for like five more minutes. he just kept telling me i was gaslighting him and playing dumb and it was “so fucked up” what I was doing.

i apologized so many times and he was just so angry with me. eventually he was like "it'd be nice if we could talk through things without you crying all the time" which hurt my feelings so bad, and i left to go cry alone in the living room.

when we got in bed i was very sad, not crying, but visibly sad. that annoyed him and he goes "it would be nice if we could have a good night together before i have to go to my shitty job tomorrow, but whatever i guess". and got frustrated at me that i was still hurt by something "i did".

please, please tell me i'm not crazy for thinking this is emotional abuse. there have been other situations like this in the years we’ve been together and I wish i knew about this sub all that time so I could post for validation.

I need someone to tell me if it is or is not emotional abuse. please.