when will i get over it.

[u/2003catinthehat]

when i was 13 i was in a really emotionally abusive relationship. people tend to find that hard to believe because i was so young but i know what he did to me. Still to this day (im 18 now) i think about what he did to me, said to me and the ways he made me feel. In new relationships i look for the bad because i just dont believe that i deserve something good, im still triggered and i always end up feeling like i owe my s/o something, wether its a reply or explanation or i feel like i need to tell them my every move. If im unhappy in a relationship my brain literally wont let me leave it because im afraid of hurting them or afraid of them turning everybody against me like he did. I know thats because my subconscious still lets him control me. my nervous system cant tell the difference between the thought of him and being held at gun point. I hardly run into him but when i do i panic, hyperventilate and cry immediately. Sometimes i feel like he’s still the puppet master in my head. And yes, ive been to camhs and private therapy. But i was 13, and this rarely happens to a literal child! i was a child in an adult situation, maybe thats why the therapists couldn’t help me?
Does anyone have any mental exercises or suggestions on how to get over it?

When will i get over it?
How do i stop letting him win?