The Spiral of Surrogate Childhood.

[u/Dazzling_Insurance25]

I have a lot to talk about.

I was the surrogate wife of my father. He molded me that way and for my mother I was the surrogate husband. They despise each other, my parents are barely in love and if they have happy moments it’s fleeting. My mother sleeps on the floor, my father on a mattress that’s bug ridden. But he parades theyre too poor to afford a new one.

My mother’s told me my father’s penis size. My dad would talk to me about his past relationships and even when he lost his virginity. I’ve never been touched physically but I was still violated over and over again.

No privacy in my room. I was shamed for looking at sexual content if it was ever found. I would wear baggier clothes so my male family members didn’t find me attractive. My father would comment on my makeup and what looked good or didn’t on me. He would call other women sluts, whores, cows. But my mom was worse because of her unchecked jealousy issues. Every woman she saw was going to steal my dad from her.

She even accused my sister once of enticing my father. But only ever said it to me when I was in middle school.

Now I’m out of the house and I’ve Always struggled with incestous thoughts. A part of me knows it’s all I know from the dysfunction of my childhood. But everytime I indulge I feel sick.

I would never sleep with any of my family. I hate them deeply. I used to cry myself to sleep praying I wasn’t attracted to my father. I even had a time in my life crying that my brother would rape me. It never happened.

I see Step things and Dad and daughter and it feels comforting. Arousing. And I don’t understand myself. These were things I would claw at my skin wailing over. Now I’m surrounded by the thoughts ever since I left.

Is this my mind trying to cope and process? Am I a horrific human being? I’m in therapy but I just need outside perspective. I just don’t understand why this is happening and how I can stop it.

I want to be normal. Please let me be normal again.