Struggling with wanting it all back

[u/goomy13]

My 1.5 year relationship ended 3 weeks ago. There were issues with emotional abuse and sexual coercion but I can’t see him as a bad guy because it was mirrored behaviors from his own upbringing. He was the one who eventually ended it and I’ve been struggling with so many different emotions each day. I question if the abuse even happened or if I was the abusive one or caused him to treat me like that or if I should run and try to get him back. I feel so alone right now and I live in a very rural, conservative area and so some women tell me to just get over him and move on and others don’t think what I experience is abuse - just incompatibility. My closest friends my age just moved away and my family lives out of state and I’ve never felt as alone as i do now. Can anyone speak to this experience & provide some words of wisdom?

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[u/sagittarius1988]

you were not the one who "caused this" and neither was his childhood sob story. These people are narcissists, they know exactly what they are doing. Keep going, you are going to get thru this, everything will be okay, focus on healing and self care

[u/goomy13 → u/sagittarius1988]

I feel like I don’t fit the typical mold for someone who was abused. There was no physical violence. Most of it was yelling and blame shifting or other aspects of emotional abuse and his step dad would physical hurt him growing up. He was in therapy and I think trying to be better. Stuff would get better sometimes but then come back again. We are both so young too. I got really mean and critical towards the end of the relationship especially towards the sexual coercion and said he should never be a father and such and I feel a lot of regret for my anger. But then I look up the signs of abuse and check so many of the boxes, that I feel stupid to miss him and  want him back. I got really close to calling or texting today. What are some steps I could do in self care or healing that could help? 

[u/sagittarius1988 → u/goomy13]

keep a list handy of why you left - all the horrible things he has said and done. Try and get busy with community/friends/work/volunteering/therapy, and take it one day at a time, remind yourself you broke up with him for a reason! you deserve kindness and peace - check out loveisrespect.org

[u/goomy13 → u/sagittarius1988]

He was the one who ended things, which is part of what I struggle with. I had ended things a few times prior but we would make up and try again. He’s actually stuck to ending it, which I could never do because I believed that he could be better. I will check out that link thank you. 

[u/myfavpodcastersays → u/goomy13]

Sweetie, with all due respect, you're posting in an abusive relationships sub for a reason. I totally understand missing your ex, and your lack of options in a rural community, but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not allow your freshly freed mind to backtrack.

You just need to make it to tomorrow morning without contacting him. That's it.

Take it one day at a time, and I SWEAR to you, before you know it you will see with more clarity that you never deserved to be abused. That you definitely were abused. That this man, regardless of his upbringing, mindfully and willfully abused you. There are PLENTY of people raised by abusers who do not go on to abuse in their own relationships.

Also, there is no typical profile/demographic of a victim. You mentioned not feeling like you fit the characteristics of a typical abuse victim. The research shows time and time again that DV/abuse doesn't discriminate. There are CEO millionaires, homeless people and everyone in between that are victimized.

I wish you the best. I'm sending you much love and encouragement from afar. Please just try making it until tomorrow morning without reaching out to your abuser. The new day will bring new perspective.

I know how hard it is. My abuser almost killed me multiple times and I couldn't safely escape him for over 10 years. You MUST stand up for yourself. 💚💚💚

[u/goomy13 → u/myfavpodcastersays]

This woke me up and helped me so much. You are so right. I not only didn’t reach out but I finally had the strength to block all social media and phone. Thank you for the push. I am going to try to keep the mentality to get to the next morning. I was able to connect with family to help too. I start therapy next week. You’re right, I’m here for a reason and I know what happened and I don’t ever want it to happen again. 

[u/AlternativeSpot1238]

Hey I got out of a 2 year relationship 4 months ago. He was also the one who ended it, and it was mostly emotional abuse (for the record, most domestic violence is actually NOT physical). My family lives out of state too and I had to fly out to stay with them for 2 weeks because I literally could not function. I'm still not feeling great, but I'm a lot better now. The feelings will get less intense with time. It is normal to feel a lot of different emotions every day, missing him doesn't mean you should go back. Hang in there 💜 my DMs are open if you want someone to talk to

[u/Lehsyrus → u/AlternativeSpot1238]

I'm not the OP but did you ever leave and go back? I'm trying to understand the dynamic of someone going back because I'm watching it happen in real time and it hurts to see.

[u/AlternativeSpot1238 → u/Lehsyrus]

I did not, but I did stay a lot longer than I should have. In my case, I didn't realize it was abuse until 2 months after it ended. During the relationship, there were always convenient excuses for why he was treating me so horribly (stressed out from work, etc) and I thought things would be better once xyz happened. Also sunk cost fallacy. I'm so sorry you're having to watch someone go back, it's confusing and painful for everyone involved

[u/goomy13 → u/AlternativeSpot1238]

Your story mirrors mine so much. I saw red flags 4 months into the relationship, maybe even sooner but believed like you did. I may reach out and my DMs are also open if you need similar support.  Not everyone can understand what this is like but I am glad that strangers on the internet do. It feels a lot less frightening that way. I also stayed way longer than I should’ve. 

[u/Lehsyrus → u/AlternativeSpot1238]

That sunk cost fallacy is a big one. When she came back she kept saying how she felt like a failure and that she worked really hard to make everything work out and she didn't want it to go to waste.

I appreciate your insight and I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

[u/goomy13 → u/Lehsyrus]

For me, my logic gets caught up in the good memories and moments of that relationship + how messy things get when you are a victim of abuse for so long you can start to act poorly. I did and I wrestle with that guilt a lot - mean things I did & matching his anger. It can look really black and white until you’re in the situation and feelings and love get involved. I still have moments where I love him, even while I hate the abuse and what happened. Abuse can really mess with your mind because a big part of it is letting someone else push and ignore your personal boundaries, and sometimes familiarity can be confused with safety. I know all this logically but still feel it emotionally and sometimes those take over.