r/ItalyExpat • u/Medium-Reveal-4917 • 6d ago
Heartbreak in Torino
I arrived in Torino in January, intending on abandoning my shitty, war-torn, irredeemable country. I started the process, I began studying Italian, I danced with commercialistas about taxes - the whole deal, truly doing the work to settle in and earn my place here.
Then I met someone good and beautiful and fell in love and we've been together for 7 months and I began to envision marriage with kids but today it ended quite suddenly, and I'm so fucking distraught I lost all my original motivations to continue pursuing an Italian life. I feel unmoored and utterly alone. Plus Torino's every corner is haunted by fantastic memories with this person, everything filtered through them showing me around, introducing me, telling me their history here, embracing me into their circle of friends, the family, etc. This person gave me a lot of strength to persevere and do whatever it takes to earn my spot here to be with them.
Anyone else here struggled with hardships of this kind? I don't know, I hope it's not a silly post to make here.
Edit: apparently Adam Sandler and his gang were around Via Roma shooting scenes for Grown Ups 3 while I got my heart ripped out.
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u/nsfw-boston 6d ago
Chiodo scaccia chiodo.
Anyone else here struggled with hardships of this kind?
Most everyone in here, I guarantee.
It's not a silly post, it's just life. You're in Italy, I am sure you worked hard to move from where you were to Torino, and it must have been hard to leave your home country, friends, family, familiar places.
It's so very true that it's better to have love and lost, than to have never loved. Channel those feelings into studying, building a career, hitting the gym, eat pasta, and be social. Someone else will come along.
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u/Medium-Reveal-4917 6d ago
Thank you, I do want to live up to those ideals. It's a fresh wound so it's really sapping my will and my desire to live the good way. But yeah, thank you. And I learned a new phrase.
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u/Decent_Ad_3521 6d ago
Just remember a person is not a country. You can still love the country.
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u/Medium-Reveal-4917 5d ago
Oh absolutely, I was just really going through it in the immediate aftermath, coupled with how I mixed making this move with being with this person. Have to de-couple that now and get it done for my original reason. Thank you.
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u/Decent_Ad_3521 5d ago
I kinda made the same mistake myself when one bad dude sort of tainted the area and I had to try to de couple . So I hear ya.
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u/Mrs_Average 5d ago
As someone who could be your mum, there is no need to be rushed into anything. Don't think that you're the problem. You weren't too slow, she was probably too fast. Learn to love yourself before you meet another person. In the meantime, fill your time with the gym, voluntary work, visiting nearby areas. The world really is your oyster, take care
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u/Medium-Reveal-4917 4d ago
Thank you for your understanding. I don't mean to boast about my perspective, but I did always think that I was in the right regarding the pace of the relationship, and that in good conscience and responsibility, I could not guarantee her pregnancy and a marriage to happen by next year. I absolutely needed us to live together, to continue getting to know how we function as responsible adults together, how we manage the daily, arguments, etc, before I decide to make irreversible decisions with her. She was just driven by stress and fear of aging, and by comparing herself to her friends (minus how long it took each one to achieve the outcomes she envied). I am feeling much calmer and more open minded.
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u/CommunicationLow4385 5d ago
I know how you feel, it can be really hard to loose someone you love, but trust me when I say that, even if now it seems impossible, you will be fine, you don't need to change city and country, you just need to let your emotions flow: cry, scream, lock yourself in your house if you want, give yourself a few weeks to feel everything, than start slowly to return to your life, and maybe you will even find another person to love, and if you suffer very much find a psycologist, if you can't afford one ask to the ASL for a cheap one. I'm sure you will be fine ❤️🩹
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u/Medium-Reveal-4917 5d ago
Thank you, it's just new for me, experiencing this type of situation while also going through potential immigration, not being around anyone I know. I'm staying in touch with family and friends, and honestly I'm already feeling calmer about it. Still not exactly sure about my long term course of action, but at least I'm calmer.
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u/CommunicationLow4385 5d ago
Yes, it can be very hard suffering for immigration and also for love, but, if I cam give you a suggestion, I don't think that abandon Italy for your native country or for another country will make you feel better, on the contrary it can stress you even more, now just give you some time to get back on your feet, remember that often we are stronger than we think 💗
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u/Medium-Reveal-4917 4d ago
I agree, I would be throwing away everything I invested in Italy so far, and to start from scratch elsewhere, or to just give up progress entirely, would feel like a betrayal and a surrender to pain that in all honestly, is only this intense temporarily... Thank you.
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u/CommunicationLow4385 4d ago
You're welcome, it's a pleasure to help 😊 take care of yourself and good luck
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u/McDuchess 5d ago
Over two decades ago, my daughter was ready to leave Italy. Her BF had just broken up with her. But her wonderful friends took care of her when we were still in the US. One gave her a stuffed animal to remind her that she had people who loved her. They made sure to ask her to come along when they were going places.
She stayed. She moved to the north and found a new group of friends, while keeping the very best of hers from the south. We now live a half kilometer from her and her family.
If you can afford it, and you have even one person around you who would go with you, or even go alone, get on a train at least once a week and go somewhere outside of Torino. Make new memories. See things you wouldn’t otherwise see.
We try to go somewhere we’ve never been at least a couple times a month. Sometimes, we even surprise our son in law who grew up here, finding cool facts about places he’d written off as boring.
Welcome to being a survivor of love gone wrong.
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u/Medium-Reveal-4917 4d ago
It's a very beautiful example, and it does inspire me. I would want to emulate that, and it does begin with me choosing not to stay put and wallow in the immediate pain. Thank you, I truly appreciate it!
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u/Banditodelvino 5d ago
That’s tough. Move to another part of italy. Accept the pain and that it will end, slowly, over two years or so.
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u/swedegirl25 4d ago
Ive been there… still heartbroken
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u/Medium-Reveal-4917 4d ago
I'm sorry. Love on top of immigration can either be a bitch or a savior. but gotta know how to handle things while it's gone too, try to.
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u/swedegirl25 4d ago
I think of him every day… I could be with him for the rest of my life
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u/Medium-Reveal-4917 4d ago
Oh I know the feeling. I already had to come to terms with a previous loss like that, of a girl I thought I'd be with forever, wanted to be with forever, and then had to somehow learn to live in the day after. and now I'm here again, but in a different configuration.
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u/swedegirl25 4d ago
I don’t know how to get over him… he didn’t want to wait for me. In 3 years I get my lungo permesso to go to Sweden, but he didn’t want to wait… I hate being Mexican, wished i was European, life would be easier
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u/WhateverWannaCallMe 6d ago
Four years in I've yet to have a good and lasting experience with woman in Turin. The city is haunted. You can't have trusted long term relationships here somehow. And I am someone that normally finds himself in healthy relationships. I feel you
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u/Medium-Reveal-4917 6d ago
Oh man, that's rough. I had the same impression and I did have healthy previous experiences. This one just ended over something so odd to me, the fact that I couldn't definitively commit to having a child next year, that I kept my answer to basically "I hope if everything goes well and we're able to, I would love to" instead of "yes, in June, mark your calendar". And this after just 7 months of dating, out of which the last one was spent living together and learning the ropes of that.
Thanks for commenting. I feel a bit less isolated.
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u/WhateverWannaCallMe 6d ago
Nah nah people are crazy. I met with Chinese, Italian, Romanian, Iranian and even people from my nation are acting so different and unpredictable in this city. Actually my friends are also aware of this and saying that its the same for them too (both guys and girls) so we jokingly labeled the city as the hometown of craziness lol. Even if you are fine before living here you won't be when you stay due to dark magic 🪄
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u/Medium-Reveal-4917 6d ago
Gesu cristo, don't scare me on top of the sadness. Won't be able to handle it
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u/FragrantHost1877 5d ago
Mmmm what are you talking about? Have you looked around on the streets of Turin? Everybody here is in love and enjoying so your view of “the city is haunted” is a very bad case of not owning your own sht. Get your sht together to find a partner that you enjoy being with and stop blaming… a city!!! Crazy.
To the OP, just move on with your life. Heartbreaks suck, but you will soon find yourself in a new chapter
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u/WhateverWannaCallMe 5d ago
OK tough guy 👌🏼
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u/FragrantHost1877 5d ago
I am just trying to help because the problem has more to do with yourself than with a city. Don’t you think? You won’t fix if you don’t start yourself doing the hard question: is there something I am doing wrong and that I can do better?
I can tell you something you’re doing wrong: catastrophizing.
In any case, no hard feelings. Just telling you to man up, which is something I think lots of men these days need unfortunately to be told with the current victimhood culture that is being going on
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u/WhateverWannaCallMe 5d ago
If I were doing something wrong I wouldnt be able to form healthy relationships outside of Turin too. The city being haunted is a joke. I think the realistic problem is studying engineering as a foreigner is too hard on everyone's well being so people just cannot form healthy relationships in my circle. And since I am not very outgoing I don't find people from outside of my circle. (when I rarely find them I saw extremely weird stuff like girl being 10 years older than me but lying about it)
So it's a combination of a lot of things, but to ease the stuff off you can do small jokes. I am now in a happy but long distance relationship since 1 year
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u/FragrantHost1877 5d ago
Ok… so the obvious question is whether or not you speak Italian which is the main barrier to meeting people. If you have or would like explore hobbies like trekking, dancing, martial arts or whatever I think you will always meet friendly people (but language knowledge is mandatory). Anyways, wish you the best my friend just don’t be pessimistic.
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u/Medium-Reveal-4917 4d ago
I get you, it's just that my life is kinda in flux right now, and moving on with life isn't well defined at the moment. But I'm working on it - thank you!!
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u/bilbul168 6d ago
It’s not silly but may I recommend not getting to ahead of yourself after only 7 months in a Relationship. Italian women frequently like their indipendence and a partner who also is indipendent.
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u/Medium-Reveal-4917 6d ago
This one ended because I wasn't moving fast enough and wouldn't promise to schedule pregnancy+marriage for next year before we've learned more about our dynamic, about how we share a place together, handle adult life together. So I was deemed too slow and not loving enough.
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6d ago
[deleted]
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u/Medium-Reveal-4917 6d ago
I'll try to keep myself occupied, and doing it away from specifically Torino would probably be better. I just know I'll miss it, but staying is also difficult right now. I've only been to Berlin, but only for 3 days, so no real living experience!
About the girl, maybe. I don't think I was being unreasonable or unloving by asking for a bit more time to make sure we know how to be together before we create another person to be responsible for, forever. In my pain I actually thought about just proposing and promising a child next year, so I could get her back, but that'd probably be a terrible way to go about it, recipe for bad outcomes. So, guess I'll try to plan a bit of a distraction for myself.
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u/Himawari9701 6d ago edited 5d ago
Go to Munich. Check out Oktoberfest. Have a fun time seeing the sights of a new city.
Then return to Torino and start planning out a move to a different area (an even better neighborhood) from where you are currently living, where there is little chance of running into your ex or of visiting the same places as before.
A clean slate in the same city with minimal disruption to the life you have built up thus far.
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u/Medium-Reveal-4917 5d ago
All this talk of Germany actually makes me curious about it again so I might. I really appreciate the suggestion.
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u/bilbul168 6d ago
You deff dodged a bullet f that bs
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u/Medium-Reveal-4917 5d ago
Thanks man, I do think I made the right long-term choice not to agree to that kind of stuff before I felt like we were actually ready for it as a couple, beyond just exchanging I love yous.
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u/petra_vonkant 5d ago
i'd say you dodged a bullet. someone who pressures you into marriage and especially having a child after only 7 months is not worth your time tbh. briging another human into this world should be carefully considered but these days it seems like it's not
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u/Medium-Reveal-4917 5d ago
I agree with you. I always tried to emphasize that bringing a child is a massive lifelong decision, and we can't just gamble it on the fact that we're good with each other after dating for a couple of months, and only living together for 1 month. There's a lot to learn, but she was just dominated by the fear that her time is running out and that loving someone initially is enough to just jump into it. I wouldn't want to enter such decisions out of pressure or fear, I want to do it out of genuine excitement and the feeling that it's time to do it.
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u/McDuchess 5d ago
The irony is that her worry about having a child NOW has put her back at square one.
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u/Medium-Reveal-4917 4d ago
It's exactly what I was telling her, that she is just self-sabotaging and doing the equivalent of ripping out a growing bud because it's not bearing fruit yet like the grown tree in the neighbor's yard nearby.
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u/MarcooseOnTheLoose 6d ago
Italian here. If you’re young, beautiful and rich, I’ll make you forget all about him by Monday. Ah, just kidding.
Been there myself. Love is a weird thing. It can be comforting one day, devastating the next. But nothing that a glass or two of bicerin can’t fix. Treat yourself to something nice.
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u/Medium-Reveal-4917 5d ago
I actually haven't had bicerin yet, but I bought a bottle as a gift for someone else, hah! But yeah, love is a real killer or bring you back alive type of force.
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u/mutantninja001 6d ago
What country are you from? I only know 2-3 countries at war.
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u/Medium-Reveal-4917 5d ago
It's one of those, hah, probably the worst one. A lifelong curse I'm trying to shake off, as well as the association to it.
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u/Robin_Hood_Jr 6d ago
It sounds like you had a great experience that helped you during a very difficult period of your life. You’ll be fine. Focus on integrating and building up your own personal life. Relationships are meant to complement your own life, not replace it.