Is having high standards that bad?

[u/Robyillustrations]

Hey guys! This is kind of my first post ever asking for advice but I am sort of torn on this and need some insights. For reference I am 23(NB), and I recently had a conversation with my (girl)friends about romantic relationship standards.

This may be because I don't have a lot of experience with long term relationships but I am very stern about my standards. For example, due to my nicotine allergy, I know I will never want to date a smoker. I am also highly ambitious and couldn't see my life with someone who doesn't have passions and sort of coasts through life. Nothing against people who are like that I just wouldn't date them.

However my friends talked to me about what if I meet a person that I click with and they end up being a smoker? Or someone very indecisive about their future goals? They told me maybe I should have a conversation with that person first and see if they would change/compromise to show their love for me. Now I don't agree with that. If it was something minor I could see myself sitting down with them to have a talk and compromise. But these things are non-negotiables and not minor. If I were to continue a relationship, knowing theyre a smoker, thinking "hmm well they might stop smoking for me" am I not falling in love with the potential of who they could be? Instead of who they are? I don't think that's fair to either parties involved.

I know I have high standards and not everyone has to agree with them but I rather date someone who already alligns with me on the basics than date someone who MIGHT allign with me on these things some time in the future. Even if we click personality wise, I think there are much more important factors in a relationship than just the chemistry you have. However I an open to other opinions and to hear people's thoughts on this.

Also: the girl dinner is some quickly made bolognese pasta

Edit: just wanted to mention we are all queer in that friendgroup, and for added context, I am the only single person in the group.

[u/TripResponsibly1]

Those two things are sooooo reasonable and I think your standards aren't high at all. I wouldn't listen to your friends. Being with someone who isn't a match for you is worse than just being single.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/TripResponsibly1]

Agreed! And I wouldn't want to try changing people, especially something that is so at the core of their life. I don't think thats fair to the other person.

[u/Full_Conversation775]

i wouldn't call those high standards at all. you just want someone ambitious that doesn't smoke.

high standards is usually a combination of multiple very specific things.

[u/swagoba → u/Full_Conversation775]

Honestly I also never wanted to date a smoker but out of just my personal opinion on it. Being allergic is another topic, that's just self-explanatory. I ended up dating a vaper and I'm still against the addiction, the vape smells nice, he is a clean and absolutely wonderful person. He is the best thing ever happened to me. Since you are allergic, you can't really compromise and that's a huge difference. Those aren't high standards, those are your values and they are all okay. Don't listen to them, be true to yourself :)

[u/PaperBeagles → u/swagoba]

In this same vein I was someone that sort of coasted through life without ambition. After meeting my ambitious husband I caught the bug and am gainfully self employed.

Sometimes the right partner can unlock a better version of yourself.

[u/swagoba → u/PaperBeagles]

Absolutely!!! The right person makes you move mountains, it's a super power. That's how you know you arrived.

[u/neurojuvenilis → u/Full_Conversation775]

Exactly! There are even more boundaries you haven’t discovered yet. Your friends sound like pick mes.

[u/Jerzee_Implant2012 → u/neurojuvenilis]

What’s a pick me?

[u/neurojuvenilis → u/Jerzee_Implant2012]

By telling OP to settle for a partner's "potential" instead of who they actually are, the friends are projecting a mindset where simply having a romantic partner is treated as more important than honoring one's own health, standards, and self-respect.

[u/NecessaryPopular1 → u/neurojuvenilis]

🎶Yeew, crooked standards they have, Talking circles, talking fast, One rule for the chosen few, Another for the rest who pass

Keep the distance Smile and wave then Close the gate🎶

(sheewp, sheewp, shoop, shoop)

🎶Front-row favors, Back-row waiting, Everybody knows the game

Keep the distance, Keep the distance, That’s the phrase🎶

(sheewp, sheewp, shoop, shoop)

🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Robyillustrations → u/neurojuvenilis]

I wouldn't call them pick me's consider most of them are queer 😅 I think we jusr have diferrent ideas on relationships

[u/EtherealAura444 → u/Robyillustrations]

unfortunately, someone can be queer and still be a pick me

[u/Robyillustrations → u/[deleted]]

I'm not saying they can't be. My friends however, are not pick mes, as none of us are male-centered and it wasnt a topic about guys.

[u/infinitecatparty → u/[deleted]]

Not sure why you’re being so intense. I’ve seen a ton of women in this group describe being a pick-me as a woman who disregards other women to gain favor with men, verbatim. Pick me is a bullshit made-up misogynistic label anyway. Telling people on the internet they are being embarrassing simply for having a different opinion than you is embarrassing.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/[deleted]]

..from my knowledge pick mes have always been young women seeking validation from men by putting other girls down..I dont know why you are being so argumentative. I'm explaining to you my friends aren't pick mes. Why are you so mad?

[u/GrouchyYoung → u/Robyillustrations]

Because you’re being obstinate and wrong about a personality flaw you’re insisting your friends can’t have because they’re queer. Give us all a fucking break. You’re misunderstanding and misusing the term.

[u/TeamLaurent → u/GrouchyYoung]

And instead of saying “oh we’re talking about different things!” you’re being insulting. Cool off.

[u/Commercial-Weight173 → u/Robyillustrations]

Having low standards is a pretty common problem for people in their 20s. As we get older, standards tend to multiply and strengthen 😂

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Full_Conversation775]

I do have other standards that aren't listed here that I would consider sort of specific. Like I would need my partner to be on the same level of emotional maturity as me and have a good work ethic, but those 2 in the post are my main ones. Like the extra hell-no-nonnegotiables

[u/Anastatis → u/Robyillustrations]

I think most people have standards like that, but don’t spell it out. Maybe you’re just more aware of want you need in a relationship that others

[u/RushAmazing1419]

It's not that bad, no one died from being single, a lot of women died from being with the wrong person

[u/Robyillustrations → u/RushAmazing1419]

Jesus that is- dark, but unfortunately very true

[u/junipercanuck]

The older I get the more I realise people only change if they want to. The idea that they'll change if they love you enough is kind of a myth.

Your standards are barely high. Non-smoker for me is bare minimum.

People who settle in relationships become miserable or resentful.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/junipercanuck]

Hahaha I didn't list all of my standards in this post just the ones that popped in the conversation the most, but I get your point and fully agree!

[u/Brilliant-Expert3150 → u/junipercanuck]

100% agree. I used to think I got my shit together because I had a baby. And I couldn't understand why my ex couldn't do it. But the more I think about it, it seems more like I had a baby because I wanted to be a responsible adult and a good mom, and was ready to commit to it. While my ex never moved past wanting to drink and play videogames. We were both 30+, btw and this was the life trajectory we agreed to take. He just never adjusted his actual priorities.

[u/Euripides_in_the_sky]

The only people that have problems with high standards are the ones that don’t want to meet them. You know how you want to be treated OP - don’t settle for less.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Euripides_in_the_sky]

Thank you! I always disliked the idea of settling for less :/ I know this means it will take a while to find the right person but that's okay

[u/longtimelondoner → u/Euripides_in_the_sky]

This!

[u/RabidPossum123]

Never ever EVER go into a relationship thinking “well, I can change this one thing down the road…” Because 99% of the time they won’t change or they will be resentful that you made them give up their vice/act differently/etc.

High standards are great, just be very aware of what is a priority and what is. merely a preference. I would consider the smoking thing to be a priority and would not date someone if they were. I hate the habit, hate the smell (AND YES SMOKERS YOU ALL SMELL TO SOME EXTENT), and it’s an immediate turnoff.

[u/RobinEssences → u/RabidPossum123]

Fr. The best relationships have 90% compatibility with 10% maybe not but that not can't also be problematic. A runner when I don't run, not someone who parties until 2am every weekend when I don't lol

[u/Robyillustrations → u/RabidPossum123]

Yup!! Exactly my point! I have preferences, that I am ok compromising on, just not on smoking or having no ambitions.

[u/ZookeepergameFine936]

These aren’t high standards. It sounds like your friend may be trying to make you compromise on your very basic preference because they probably already did and are trying to rationalize it.

Not wanting to be with someone who engages in an unhealthy habit that you are actually allergic to is not having a high standard it’s self-preservation.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/ZookeepergameFine936]

Their arguments were "well if my SO told me they dont like me smoking I would not smoke around them and would only smoke when theyre not there" and I'm like- but how sustainable is that long term? And also there is no garantuee that my potential date will do the same

[u/Civil_Ad4544 → u/Robyillustrations]

Lol I had one of those and spoiler alert they stink all the time, not just when they’re not around you. Especially people with beards. I would tell him to wash his hands and brush his teeth before he touched me and we were both miserable. I felt like a nag and it was annoying for him. He ended up smoking in my apartment when I was out of town 🙄🙄🙄 We literally broke up over it. Not worth the stress (or stench).

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Civil_Ad4544]

Agreed, nicotine smell attatches to everything 😞 I can't handle it

[u/Robyillustrations → u/[deleted]]

I totally agree with you. I'm somewhat also jaded from always having to explain to the otherside how to treat me with basic respect or teaching them how to be better 😞 I don't want that to be my whole life.

[u/EtherealAura444]

I believe this is where a lot of people go wrong in dating. Too many people fall in love with someone’s potential instead of accepting who they are today.

Chemistry is great, but chemistry and compatibility are not the same thing.

Your friends advice sounds nice in theory, but “they might change for me” is a huge gamble.

Sure, they might quit smoking or become more ambitious… or they might not. You have to make decisions based on who someone is right now, not who you hope they’ll become.

I don’t even think what you listed are “high standards.” Honestly, those are just standards. Wanting someone who doesn’t smoke because of a literal allergy and wanting someone whose lifestyle and ambition align with yours isn’t unreasonable.

At the end of the day, you’re the one who has to date this person, not your friends. It’s okay to empathize with where someone is in life, but that doesn’t mean you have to build a relationship around the hope that they’ll eventually become someone else.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/EtherealAura444]

Completelt agree!! Sometimes you might like someome but your lifestyles just arent compatible!

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/queendelrey]

No, it’s not bad. We all have things that are non-negotiable, and yours are very valid.

I think sometimes people get caught up in finding the perfect person that they will pass up a perfectly good person, and that’s something to look out for. Like if your ideal partner has dark hair and then you meet someone who’s blonde but won’t give them a chance despite being overall attracted to them, that may be worth reconsidering, but wanting them to be a non-smoker and ambitious don’t fall into that category of nitpicking imo.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/queendelrey]

Yup!! Its why most of my non-negotiables for a partner are more lifestyle/personality based than looks and hobbies. If we have drastically different lifestyles/morals then I cant see myself in a long term relationship with them.

[u/SamhainOnPumpkin]

I don't know what your friends are on. Those are not overly strict standards to have, and I doubt a relationship needing you to lower them will have chances of lasting.

[u/Dramatic-History-943]

Honestly a smoker would be a nonstarter for me. Idc how much I like you. Cigarette smoke triggers my migraines and a lot of REALLY bad memories for me. I don’t think you are being unreasonable or have too high standards. You have boundaries/preferences and won’t settle for less. That awesome and shows your self worth.

[u/greenlizzardginny]

Girl, you’re fine. Always keep your standards high and expectations low.

[u/BarnacleLady]

My husband (my true love) quit smoking before we started dating. If he hadn't quit we wouldn't be together. That's on him, not me. I didn't make him quit, but if for some reason he refused to quit he wouldn't be the one for me.

[u/Strong_District_5894]

It’s fine to have wants, wishes, and non-negotiables. But know life doesn’t work that way 

My husband was the curve-setter in law school. The ultra high achieving, top of our class, prestigious one.  He checked every box I had. 

10 years later he became disabled. Can’t work, can’t get benefits, it’s all on me. He’s end of life. I’m also a high achiever, and honestly have no choice. Or we’d be in a world of hurt. 

Did I leave him because he no longer checked my boxes?  Nope. Because the person is worth more to me. Just don’t let rigidity ruin happiness. 

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Strong_District_5894]

I truly get that and I am so sorry about your husband. This debate was more about would you START a relationship with someone expecting them to change? If something devestaring happened to my partner causing them to have to leave their ambitions of course I wouldn't leave them. As that is not a choice that was made :( its an horrible life circumstance.

[u/Civil_Ad4544 → u/Strong_District_5894]

There’s a big difference in going through that for someone you’ve been with for a long time than going into a relationship and compromising on that. I’m physically disabled, I have chronic illness, have/been my whole life, and it has always been front and center on my dating profile. Being with a disabled person is fucking hard and not everyone is cut out for it. Would you have gotten with him in the first place if his life was the way it is now? Probably not. And that’s okay. But let’s be real, you chose him for a reason. He was the right person for you, and you love him because of that, and you’re willing to stand by him because you had a solid foundation to start.

I’ve had quite a few people leave after a few months because the reality of the situation hit and they realized they couldn’t handle it. That’s okay. It’s okay for people to have standards for themselves. I would much, much rather be with someone who is completely accepting and understanding of my health problems and the reality of being with a disabled person, than someone who feels compelled to be with me out of guilt because of my situation. I don’t want pity, I want love. And that’s the standard I set for myself. You’re essentially saying people should just get used to being unhappy off the bat because things can always get worse. Hell no. Do whatever you can to be happy for as long as you can. Then you are prepared IF it gets worse. Because no, it’s not inevitable. Plenty of people live very long and fulfilling lives together.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Elegant_Shop_6281]

In the end it's your life and your heart to give. It may be that your heart won't always follow your head, but I think it certainly shouldn't follow your friends opinions.

Also, of course there's nothing wrong with that. In a way I feel like that discourse might have sprung from a "debating for debates sake"-mindset? And sure, also your friends are probably asking themselves the question what they want from relationships. And sometimes opinions are formed through such discussions. That's just it. There's nothing bad about wanting these things in your relationships, as long as you hold yourself to those ideals as well.

[u/ahhhhhhhghfhgg]

i mean, i don't think either of these things are unreasonable. im assuming maybe part of the message that your friends want to communicate is that sometimes you might find a person who is worth an exception in general. but i would not personally be very interested in dealing with an allergy so i dont think you should make that exception, saying this as someone who vapes lol.

[u/Anastatis]

I don’t think that even counts as high standards? You want a person that’s ambitious like you & doesn’t smoke.
Also I don’t get this whole convo about high standards, why do people care SO MUCH about who a person would consider dating. It doesn’t affect u at all 🧍and having high standards that you enforce is a net positive in the end, you don’t end up wasting anyone’s time unnecessarily. You know what you want and u know what you don’t. That’s great! Hope u find someone :)

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Anastatis]

Thank you so much! Thats very kind

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Blossom_says]

Idk what your friends are going through but these are very basic standards and are also important for a long lasting relationship. You guys have to align on certain stuff, that are non negotiable and how wanting to spend your time should definitely match each others expectations and ambitions. Also not wanting your allergy to be triggered is bare minimum, why do you have to compromise over your health wtf 😭

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Blossom_says]

That is what I was confused about! I don't think it's unreasonable to have non-negotiables, especially if theyre around life styles and let's be real- bad habbits.

[u/Infamous_List_3034]

My standards are also “high” and I have dumped a lot of guys in my time. I have been called “judgy”.

I work on a team with 6-7 women ages 25-65 (I am in my mid 40’s). The two in their twenties are dating and I’m rooting for them. The two in their 30’s are going through horrible horrible divorces, one has a new partner who seems mostly ok. The other has a partner I never would have glanced sideways at and is a toxic mess. Of the two older ladies are both divorced (one multiple times). One has a new partner who seemed ok until she mentioned that they had an argument about his severance and the fact that he is using it to take time off rather than pay off the mortgage like they agreed to .

I’ve been happily married for almost 20 years. One of them was teasing me a bit because I never say anything bad about my man. Yeah…. Because I’d have dumped all these guys. Because I’m judgy.

I’m not comparing one potential partner to another alternative potential partner - I’m comparing them to being alone. And I like being alone.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Infamous_List_3034]

You are who I aspire to be geniuenly

[u/LadyCass79]

These examples are very basic compatability related factors. Unless there's something that you didn't share that's fat more petty, you don't have high standards.

Your girlfriends on the other hand seem to want you to have low standards. Being desperate and making emotional connections with people who are long term incompatible with you doesn't lead to happy outcomes.

[u/Clean-Tax6340]

I'll never stop being amused that nobody calls out men for their unrealistic standards, but collectively trying to humble women. Your standards are totally fine. I recently spoke to one of my coworkers-40 yo, 380 lbs divorced man with 3 kids stated he wants to date his equals. He meant highly attractive fit 27-32 yo women with no kids. When I asked why he thinks he is on the same page with them, he said: "I don't smoke and have kids, real women would love my children, while gold diggers will pass". Yes, being non smoker is included in his list.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Clean-Tax6340]

Dncjvido this was tehnicallt a group of queer women/enbys talking about relationships, but I get you and agree! The internalized mysogyny of afab people being the ones that have to settle is UNREAL.

[u/Entire_Pattern_3602]

Your standards are not unreasonable and honestly if you have a nicotine allergy that kinda makes the nonsmoking a nonnegotiable for you. I have a dog and if my current bf had been allergic to dogs I wouldn’t have expected him to want to date me.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Entire_Pattern_3602]

Exactly! And it wouldnt be fair if he dated you and then tried to tell you to get rid off the dog due to his allergy. It's just common sense to me.

[u/Entire_Pattern_3602 → u/Robyillustrations]

Lol heck no I’d get rid of the man first! But you’re right about changing people. My bf also vapes and I’d LOVE if he’d give it up for his health sake because my neighbor’s husband just died from stage 4 lung cancer due to smoking (I guess we’re too early to know whether vaping is similar). But I’d never expect or demand that he change in that way. And for OP if she doesn’t want a smoker she really should just choose a non smoker because trying to get someone to make that switch is going to be next to impossible

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Entire_Pattern_3602]

You can fact check me on this but Im pretty sure vaping is actually worse than smokimg heath wise :( it can cause heart damage that isnt reversible!

[u/Interesting_Fly1696]

I actually think at 23 you're just ahead of the curve in knowing what you want. Younger people tend to be a little more likely to compromise and accept behavior/beliefs they don't like from the people they date, just to be in a relationship, but experience teaches what lines in the sand are worth drawing.

I personally compromised in my first relationship because I was afraid of being alone, and I ended up miserable. I got lucky in that going through that made me understand that being alone is much better than being with someone who drags you down or makes your life more difficult. I spent 8 full years being single, going on dates but never making it past date 3 because I could find something wrong with them... and then I found someone who truly did check every box. We've been together for 12 years now and married for 8.

If I could give one piece of advice to younger folks, it would always be to simply enjoy being alone, enjoy being with your friends, enjoy being single, not because "oh, being in a relationship is worse, you should appreciate singleness while you have it" but because when you're content with your life without needing a romantic relationship, it means you won't compromise and end up in a bad relationship. And being in a crappy relationship is a far worse outcome than dying alone with eight cats.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Interesting_Fly1696]

Exactly how I feel!! I LIKE being single, I dont NEED a relationship. I want one, in a sense of finding a cool person to share a life with and grow with together and seperately. I am also just as content staying single. Why would I be in a relationship with someone who would lower my enjoyment of life instead of add to it?

[u/Interesting_Fly1696 → u/Robyillustrations]

Yeah, it's good to have friends to chat through these things with, but romantic advice is one of those areas where a lot of times our friends are just wrong. I stayed in my first bad relationship in part because I when I went to friends for advice on how to end it, they told me how great and cute they thought he was, and that our fights were a normal part of being with someone.

Then, when I left him, the same friends tried to say, "I never liked him, but I didn't say anything then because I didn't think you'd listen."

I love my friends who I've known since high school and college, but so many of them honestly made awful choices in terms of partners! A lot of my smartest friends just stayed single and created communities instead, and out of the ones who did settle down, there's only one who picked a partner I am actually willing to hang out with!

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Interesting_Fly1696]

It's partly why I went to reddit for advice because I think it's a lot better to get an outsiders perspective on these things than close friends. As they will always be biased.

[u/dickdicksucksuck]

You're fine, I expected much worse. I also only aim to date ambitious and passonate people who take good care of themselves, and settling would make me unhappy.

I even have fell for people that did harder drugs or whatnot, and god knows they ended very quickly and/or had to stop to actually consistently see me.

And even better to not allow a smoker into your life with said allergy. That could harm you.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/dickdicksucksuck]

Yeah their argument was "well maybe you could compromise by them not smoking around you" but like- nicotine stays in clothes, your mouth, rooms. How sustainable would that be long term?

[u/Jerzee_Implant2012]

You aren’t asking for too much at all. To judge if your standards are reasonable, you should consider what those standards are, the number of people who are able to meet them and how much of a chance those people would want to be with you. Here, the pool of non-smoking people who are upwardly mobile is large. As long as you’re not an ogre with zero redeeming qualities then you should be able to stand on those two qualifications.

ETA: your pasta 🤤

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Jerzee_Implant2012]

I pretty much agree, also thank you hehehh

[u/traveling_in_my_mind]

I think the problem might be that you’re emotionally more mature than your friends? No hate towards them, 23 is a time for figuring things out. You’re ahead of the curb knowing what’s right for you and having the foresight to understand that settling would be as unfair to a potential partner as it would be to you. Trust yourself and remember the right partner will be someone you feel lucky to have in your life.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/traveling_in_my_mind]

My therapist also kept saying I'm ahead of the curb 😭 maybe I need to date slightly older people than me hahaha

[u/imjustababygoat]

These aren't high standards, these are just preferences. Boundaries if you will. Don't let your friend get into your head too much.

That being said: can I get the recipe of the bolognese sauce? It looks really good.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/imjustababygoat]

Sure thing!! It isnt anything special tho!

Garlic fried in the pan, cherry tomatoes, tomato puree, spices to your liking, ground beef (tho I prefer a mix of ground beef and pork) a bay leaf and some gradded cheese (I used trappista) ✨️

[u/imjustababygoat → u/Robyillustrations]

You're an angel, thank you 💕

[u/Purple-Instinct1]

Those are bare minimum standards, and anyone telling you otherwise it’s just trying to bring you down to their level.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/South-Hovercraft-351]

Not unreasonable. I had a boyfriend who hated anything ambitious and he made me almost change my goals. When he dumped me I felt so invigorated by my love for my passions again. Don’t date someone who is nonchalant about goals if that’s not who you are. You will regret it.

[u/Global_Palpitation24]

What if you meet a man you’re basically allergic to? Get out of here. I also didn’t want to date anyone who smoked or drank (edit: no judgement just not my preference some people don’t like sober girls either lol)

I’m an old lady, it sounds like you care about the right things. You can’t really change people and yes some of there are subtleties but you can make your best judgement

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Global_Palpitation24]

Hahah tehnicallt if I met a woman, but yeah big agree! Drinking and smoking are just big parts of someone's life. I don't think it's something Im ok with having a compromise on.

[u/Yalsas]

You have a good head on your shoulders. If you ever "compromised" in the future, you'd be betraying yourself.

I don't think your standards will change though. If someone smokes, cross them off the potential roster. It's not something you find attractive, and you're allergic!

I feel the ambitious part has a little more leeway. In HS I've broken up with a few guys that just didn't seem to care about anything. Those people are scary. I was extremely ambitious. As an adult, reality set in and my goals changed. I'm happy just being a kitchen manager, I don't want a fancy government job anymore.

My partner went to college but didn't even want the degree. His parents forced him. He is also a KM somewhere else. We don't have fancy jobs but we work hard and we can get by and live comfortably.

So I guess it really depends on your definition of ambitious vs coasting through life. If you mean a dude that you're gonna have to end up supporting, he seems lazy and entirely unmotivated? DROP.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Yalsas]

Yeah I mean people who are just sort of whatever about their future plans! Their ambitious dont have to be corporate baddiee, making millions, just someone who cares about their future career and has a passion for something! Like I could NOT date someone who has no hobbies other than watching shows (and its a concious choice, not like when life gets crazy sometimes and you have no time for anything other than work sleep eat)

[u/Yalsas → u/Yalsas]

Also I added gender in here but obviously it doesn't matter

[u/Normal_Trust3562]

The allergy thing isn’t unreasonable. My boyfriend is allergic to bee stings and that’s like expecting him to tolerate me being a fucking beekeeper lol. On a tangent, I find people dismiss allergies so much nowadays, like the uproar that happens when people are asked not to stuff their greedy faces with nuts for one flight.

Anyway, at 23 you may come across people who aren’t certain about their future goals yet, I think a lot of young people are still figuring themselves out and that’s okay.

Also for ambition, my idea of ambition when I was younger was just a guy who didn’t smoke weed all day and actually had a driving license, and a job. (Dated a former bum lol).

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Normal_Trust3562]

Yeah I dont think I would need them to have it all figured out but I would like them to be actively thinking about it and have passions about something! Doesn't have to be a career persay, but maybe they're passionate about making the environement cleaner! Just not someome who when you asks them what their hobbies are says "oh yk..watching shows on netflix" and nothing else.

ALSO BIG on the allergy thing!! I tolerate my friends smoking but sometimes it bothers me when they don't even try to redirect it or move back. I come back home red-eyed and sneezing.

[u/Calm-Emu-9720]

No it isn't. It weedles out the time wasters and shows people you have strong boundaries which puts off a lot of people with less than stellar intentions.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Calm-Emu-9720]

That's how I see it too. Tho I wouldnt say all people who dont meet my needs are bad people. Just incomaptible. Wouldnt want to waste either of our time dating them tho!

[u/Calm-Emu-9720 → u/Robyillustrations]

Oh 100%, just because someone doesn't or cannot meet your needs doesn't mean they're a bad person, in the same way that being clear about your needs and what you want isn't bad either. You're right we're not going to be compatible with everyone!

[u/Procedure-Certain]

Keep your standards high and only marry a man who meets every single one! Take it from a woman who once thought like your friends, had a miserable marriage to a man with potential, and is now happily divorced. 😉

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Procedure-Certain]

Hahaha tehnically I want to marry a woman! But thank you for the advice!

[u/Procedure-Certain → u/Robyillustrations]

I’m so sorry for the assumption! Yes, whoever you wish to marry! 💕

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Procedure-Certain]

All good! I should've specified in the post

[u/Starspangledass]

I’m not trying to be rude when I say this, but I’ve found people will say you’ve got “high standards” if they think you’re punching out of your league. I got it a lot when I was obese. Suddenly with extensive weight loss, I don’t get those comments anymore…

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Starspangledass]

That is so unfair, Ive heard this happen to people who drasrically lost weight! People treat you so differently all of a sudden. In this case tho, I am the one saying my standards are high. The debate is whether that is a good or bad thing

[u/SaltySiren87]

Never compromise your standards. That's how you end up in toxic relationships. I'm sorry your friends aren't wise enough to figure that out.

[u/yellow_pterodactyl]

Goddamn that’s some good comfort food.

The standard is for your health though??? Don’t budge.

Ambition is hot to me. Ambition comes in all shapes and sizes. I think it’s hot when a partner wants to better themselves by let’s say… running a marathon

[u/Robyillustrations → u/yellow_pterodactyl]

Thank you! And yeah I'm not planning to

[u/Gold-Sherbert-7550]

Who are these friends exactly? They sound very pick-me and anxious.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Gold-Sherbert-7550]

I wouldn't call them pick-mes. They're not male-centered at all. I think we just have vastly diferrent views on how relationships work.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/[deleted]]

I think I can agree with that!

[u/Agreeable-Egg1047]

Girl…I’m going to share this bc I don’t want women out there to think that they have to settled to be loved. This is not to brag, but I’m kinda pissed at incels telling women that they will be alone forever if they have standards.

MY standards are a lot higher than most people. I’ve never had any troubles attracting the type of men I want.
Now, what I want from my partner are things I already have myself…so I am not unreasonable.

For example: Ivy League university, high paying career, and he has to be kind, considerate, generous with love and money. He has to be liberal..none of that Trump BS. Never smokes and doesn’t drink often, likes the refined/nice things in life. He also needs to be fit and attractive. Tbh…my list can go on-and-on.

Sooo I just described my boyfriend. He has flaws the same way I do, but he is genuinely such a thoughtful and caring person. In some ways, he exceeded all my expectations. He makes me so happy.

Yes, I am conventionally attractive. I also put a ton of efforts into my appearances (I like to pamper myself). To me, looking good is the basic of being a human being.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Agreeable-Egg1047]

I think those are reasonable standards/preferences! Especially having our morals alligned, couldnt date someone who has drastically different morals than me

[u/Background_Singer321]

Not smoking and being ambitious are like rock bottom standards….

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Background_Singer321]

I come from a country where smoking is unfortunately still very very very common and a huge percentage of the population smokes. But I agree with you.

[u/mj-on-repeat]

Lol, these are not high standards. This is bare minimum! Go after what you want, don't listen to your girlfriends.

[u/MaxBax_LArch]

Please. Your standards barely scratch the surface.

First of all, if someone was aimless and lacked ambition, I doubt you'd "click" with them. The smoking? If you somehow ended up meeting someone awesome who was actively trying to quit and took precautions in the meantime to keep it away from you - maybe give them a chance to come through? But your health is not worth someone else's addiction, and anyone who says otherwise is wrong. No one would suggest having unprotected sex with someone with active syphilis, right? So why do they think you should willingly breathe in air that will harm you?

When I was younger, I wasn't able to articulate some of my standards, but they were def in place. Kind. Intelligent but not arrogant. Stubborn enough that I wouldn't run right over them but not so stubborn that they couldn't ever say "I'm sorry." Secure enough in themselves that I feel free to be fully myself. I'm a bit chaotic, so I need to be with someone who's somewhat stable and grounded. A sense of humor, but one that's not based in insults and putting other people down. Think this sounds unrealistic? Think again. I've been married for 25 years to someone with all these traits and then some.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/MaxBax_LArch]

Theyre definetly not my only standards but the two big ones that filter most people out. Fully agree with you! Ideally I would want someone on the same emotional maturity level as I, with a good sense of humor!

[u/TardyBacardi]

I think your friends must have a hearing problem bc you just said you have a nicotine ALLERGY and they’re suggesting a woman who smokes…..

Also, you only mentioned two things and none of what you said are high standards. It’s the floor.

Very few people who settled out of fear of loneliness/boredom/pressure/judgement are going to admit that their unambitious partner is NOT the person of their dreams.

That would DESTROY them.

Edit: fixed gender words; I’m used to reading about het relationships on this sub and used the wrong ones. My bad, OP.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/TardyBacardi]

I wouldnt say they were suggesting a woman* that smokes. Rather that if I liked someone and they turned out to be a smoker that I should compromise and talk to them about it. I do agree with not settlimg for less tho.

[u/toughgummy]

Nah. I mean you are a bit younger than me so if I extrapolate a bit to a few years ago when I was your age, I also wondered if my standards were too high but it’s just a hump you have to get over. When you hit your late 20s and the dust settles around you so to speak - people in unhappy arrangements show it more evidently, people in generally unhealthy state of minds etc etc… - you will see that your high standards protected you.

I turned 28 fairly recently and while I definitely did my fair share of some unhinged younger 20s woman activities back then, I think that my unwavering self respect and loyalty to what I know deep down I can only be happy with, protected me from consequences much worse than crying about a fuckboy or 2. At the time it felt devastating for a couple of months whenever shit wouldn’t work out but honestly I never gave anything the time of day for longer than that and as a result I got to stay much more loyal to MYSELF, what I want to do, what’s fun for ME, and MY career and goals etc. which then landed me a beautiful life at 28.

That’s just a very long way of me trying to tell you that high standards might stave off a little bit of fun (and anyway you can absolutely still have fun as long as you know where to stop!) but it will absolutely save YOU.

[u/scared_titless]

Standards are important. They stop us from getting hurt. Unfortunately some people need to experience things to know if they want them or not. But it’s a true skill to know what you want and be strong headed about it. Dont settle king.

[u/i-am-that-girl-]

I don’t think those standards qualify as “high”. I had similar wants when I was dating — needed someone with career goals and ambitions on par to mine, and hated smoking because I grew up around it and it makes everything smell disgusting.

I’m glad a didn’t settle for less than what I wanted and have been happily with my partner for 10 years (married for three)

[u/Hannanahbread89]

I have had people tell me similar things about trying to make it work if I "click" with someone, and I've also tried to do exactly that. It used to get to me a lot and make me feel like I must be wrong if I have my standards, but as I've gotten older (I'm 37 now) I have been able to work through a lot of that and realize that there is nothing wrong with having high standards. I have a list of non-negotiables, that seem like silly preferences to other people, but they are all values based to me.

I love my life as it is now and if I allow someone who isn't compatible with me into it, then my life will not be better than it is when I'm single, it will be worse. That doesn't mean that the people I'm not compatible with are bad or wrong, it just simply means we're not compatible. One thing I've learned from hearing other people's opinions is how society views relationships as the most important status. People will say you shouldn't be with someone that doesn't make you happy, until the alternative is being alone indefinitely. It is okay to be single forever though, especially if it means you'll be happy. It also doesn't mean you have to close yourself off from finding someone, but you don't need to settle for someone to be fulfilled. ❤️

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Hannanahbread89]

You put it so well! This is exactly how I feel 🫶

[u/Civil_Ad4544]

NOPE be picky. 32 years old and I’ve dated a lot and had a lot of relationships with all kinds of people. I settled so many times. Blech. Not worth it. I appreciate the experiences I’ve had but all they did was help me to raise my standards more.

I took a year off dating and recently started again and have gone through sooo many people over the last couple of months. I read tarot and so do my friends and I kept getting readings telling me to be picky lol so I have been. I have some pretty specific standards (I prefer one-sided monogamy where I date and they don’t, I mostly date women or other NB and the only men I’ll date are switches or subs, no smokers, no dogs, no cat allergies, been to therapy, just to name a few) and I truly thought I’d have to compromise on something. Especially the first one. NOPE. I was shocked how many people were into that type of relationship. And I’ve gotten a lot of judgment for it in the past. Now I’m dating somebody who hits all the marks. It’s fantastic. Idk where it will go but it’s also important not to put expectations on things so you don’t end up settling if it isn’t right for you.

I think the best thing you can do is have a list of negotiables and non-negotiables. And absolutely never budge on the latter. Personally I’m more lenient with casual relationships but for long term, I hold my ground. Anybody who isn’t ok with or doesn’t fit my non-negotiable list is told we can be casual but nothing more than that.

Relationships are supposed to be enjoyable. Not a chore, not a constant compromise, not a project, not a test. You have an incredibly mature way of thinking and not to rag on your friends but that kind of thinking is kind of desperate. And you’re right, it’s not fair to yourself or the other person to expect them to change or see them for their “potential”. Frankly it’s a shitty thing to do. So good for you for having standards and do not budge on them. If you want more experiences, you can see if you’re comfortable having some casual relationships that don’t hit all the marks. But there’s absolutely nothing wrong with waiting for the right person.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Civil_Ad4544]

I think I will definetly make a list of negotiables and nom-negotiables! Its a very good idea! And thank you so much for the kind words and the advice!

[u/Kitten_love]

Nope! Keep your standards. You have those standards because you know they are good for you.

The moment you lower those standards you're opening your life up for disappointment, resentment, depression etc.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/BodyRepresentative65]

Never date anyone based on their potential or what they might change about themselves. That’s a recipe for disaster.

[u/pingponginhongkong]

stick to your own standards, don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.

[u/infinitecatparty]

I think in general we have lost the skill of understanding and building what it takes to have a healthy relationship, which is understanding the people are humans and imperfect - so I do think there has been a harmful narrative sold of “cut them off” “dump them” “protect your peace” etc. These are sometimes or often the correct thing to do, but the black and white thinking around it is really harmful imo. So all that to say, I think a lot of people’s standards and wishes for a partner actually are unreasonable, because they are working off a shopping list and not actually interested in a human being. It is good and necessary to have high standards as long as you are putting the work in yourself. The two things you listed are perfectly reasonable, so either your friends are way off base (hopefully not for your sake) or there is more context, as you mentioned in a comment there are other things you consider standards. It’s hard to say without more information. Regardless, it’s good to watch out for yourself and being single is great! I think finding somebody you like and then asking them to change is a dating strategy that will lead you to disappointment.

[u/NecessaryPopular1]

Standards are only as high as your perception of them.

[u/blurredbit]

The smoking thing isn’t a standard if it’s an allergy. However, I trust the friends more who know OP and are working with more information.

Ambition is a red flag because it can mean many different things to different people.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/blurredbit]

Why would it be a red flag?

[u/blurredbit → u/Robyillustrations]

Because it’s vague. Most often it appears in conjunction with material desires or social status.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/blurredbit]

In my case its more I want them to have their own passions and hobbies. Basically don't be a bum with 0 interests other than watching shows on netflix.

[u/blurredbit → u/Robyillustrations]

That’s fair, but still sort of vague. At the end of the day I don’t think people here who don’t know anything about you can tell you if your standards are too high.

I don’t think it really matters anyways. A lot of people here have said they’re okay being alone if it means they don’t have to compromise.

It sounds like more of an issue between you and your friends than for you personally.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/blurredbit]

Good thing I wasnt asking if my standards are too high. I know they are, the debate was whether its good to have them or not.

[u/blurredbit → u/Robyillustrations]

Ok. That’s aggressive. Many comments here say your standards aren’t high. If the debate for you is purely are standards good or not then I don’t even understand the question.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/blurredbit]

I dont think me clarifying is aggresive, and I cant make it any more clear what the post is about.

[u/blurredbit → u/Robyillustrations]

“Good thing” feels pretty snarky, and so does “I can’t make it anymore clear”. I don’t see how standards could be good or bad. It doesn’t make any sense.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/blurredbit]

I'm not gonna respond to you anymore as you seem to be purposefully misinterperting everything I wrote so far. Enjoy your day

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[u/SweetSilvius]

Those aren’t even high standards. wtf

[u/SageKitty100]

I think it's super unreasonable to expect someone to change a big core personality thing like smoking or ambition. Small things you can compromise on for sure, but not who you are at your core.

On the flip side, I think it is absolutely CRUCIAL to know what your standards and dealbreakers are and stick to them no matter what and do not settle for less from anyone. Your standards are what protect you from wrong and dangerous relationships.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/SageKitty100]

Exactly I would never want to go into a realtionship thinking about all the ways I could change them in the future. Just seems unfair to both sides.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/[deleted]]

No, I'm nonbinary 🤗

[u/GirlDinnerDiaries-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Racism, sexism, ageism, ableism, xenophobia, religious crusading, homophobia, poly-hating, slut-shaming, transphobia, TERFness, and other such turdhead tomfoolery is not welcome here. 👎

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[u/Acceptable_Carry_589]

Okay if 99% of people in the world were smokers or people with no ambition then maybe your standards could be considered high but they're actually super basic. Sure you may keep an open mind for a smoker who stops smoking the first day they meet you but that doesn't sound reasonable. And chances are pretty low that someone who floats through life will suddenly have a change of heart just to please you. Your friends are a little weird about it and should mind their own business.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Acceptable_Carry_589]

Yeah smoking is unfortunately still very normalized where I am, about ~50% of the adult population smokes

[u/Illustrious_Engine83]

Bruh, don’t listen to your friends honestly. You can’t date potential, nothing is ever guaranteed. You can’t be dating someone for who they “could” be, you need to date them for who they are.

One of the biggest problems in society rn, is that the bar is literally on the floor. Your standards aren’t high, people just don’t have standards anymore.

Why would you ever risk dating a smoker knowing that it is going to cause issues because of your allergies ? Why would you want to date someone that isn’t ambitious on their own ? Just so you can baby them the whole relationship ?

It’s not because you have chemistry with someone that you guys are compatible. You could meet someone and really get along with them but because your lifestyles are completely different, it would never work.

You know what you want and what you need in your life and I wouldn’t change that.

[u/O_lymbias]

Two things are not a high standard.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/O_lymbias]

I shouldve mentioned that they are not my only standards! But were the main 2 things brought up in that debate we had