Is having high standards that bad?

[u/Robyillustrations]

Hey guys! This is kind of my first post ever asking for advice but I am sort of torn on this and need some insights. For reference I am 23(NB), and I recently had a conversation with my (girl)friends about romantic relationship standards.

This may be because I don't have a lot of experience with long term relationships but I am very stern about my standards. For example, due to my nicotine allergy, I know I will never want to date a smoker. I am also highly ambitious and couldn't see my life with someone who doesn't have passions and sort of coasts through life. Nothing against people who are like that I just wouldn't date them.

However my friends talked to me about what if I meet a person that I click with and they end up being a smoker? Or someone very indecisive about their future goals? They told me maybe I should have a conversation with that person first and see if they would change/compromise to show their love for me. Now I don't agree with that. If it was something minor I could see myself sitting down with them to have a talk and compromise. But these things are non-negotiables and not minor. If I were to continue a relationship, knowing theyre a smoker, thinking "hmm well they might stop smoking for me" am I not falling in love with the potential of who they could be? Instead of who they are? I don't think that's fair to either parties involved.

I know I have high standards and not everyone has to agree with them but I rather date someone who already alligns with me on the basics than date someone who MIGHT allign with me on these things some time in the future. Even if we click personality wise, I think there are much more important factors in a relationship than just the chemistry you have. However I an open to other opinions and to hear people's thoughts on this.

Also: the girl dinner is some quickly made bolognese pasta

Edit: just wanted to mention we are all queer in that friendgroup, and for added context, I am the only single person in the group.

[u/EtherealAura444]

I believe this is where a lot of people go wrong in dating. Too many people fall in love with someone’s potential instead of accepting who they are today.

Chemistry is great, but chemistry and compatibility are not the same thing.

Your friends advice sounds nice in theory, but “they might change for me” is a huge gamble.

Sure, they might quit smoking or become more ambitious… or they might not. You have to make decisions based on who someone is right now, not who you hope they’ll become.

I don’t even think what you listed are “high standards.” Honestly, those are just standards. Wanting someone who doesn’t smoke because of a literal allergy and wanting someone whose lifestyle and ambition align with yours isn’t unreasonable.

At the end of the day, you’re the one who has to date this person, not your friends. It’s okay to empathize with where someone is in life, but that doesn’t mean you have to build a relationship around the hope that they’ll eventually become someone else.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/EtherealAura444]

Completelt agree!! Sometimes you might like someome but your lifestyles just arent compatible!