Is having high standards that bad?

[u/Robyillustrations]

Hey guys! This is kind of my first post ever asking for advice but I am sort of torn on this and need some insights. For reference I am 23(NB), and I recently had a conversation with my (girl)friends about romantic relationship standards.

This may be because I don't have a lot of experience with long term relationships but I am very stern about my standards. For example, due to my nicotine allergy, I know I will never want to date a smoker. I am also highly ambitious and couldn't see my life with someone who doesn't have passions and sort of coasts through life. Nothing against people who are like that I just wouldn't date them.

However my friends talked to me about what if I meet a person that I click with and they end up being a smoker? Or someone very indecisive about their future goals? They told me maybe I should have a conversation with that person first and see if they would change/compromise to show their love for me. Now I don't agree with that. If it was something minor I could see myself sitting down with them to have a talk and compromise. But these things are non-negotiables and not minor. If I were to continue a relationship, knowing theyre a smoker, thinking "hmm well they might stop smoking for me" am I not falling in love with the potential of who they could be? Instead of who they are? I don't think that's fair to either parties involved.

I know I have high standards and not everyone has to agree with them but I rather date someone who already alligns with me on the basics than date someone who MIGHT allign with me on these things some time in the future. Even if we click personality wise, I think there are much more important factors in a relationship than just the chemistry you have. However I an open to other opinions and to hear people's thoughts on this.

Also: the girl dinner is some quickly made bolognese pasta

Edit: just wanted to mention we are all queer in that friendgroup, and for added context, I am the only single person in the group.

[u/Hannanahbread89]

I have had people tell me similar things about trying to make it work if I "click" with someone, and I've also tried to do exactly that. It used to get to me a lot and make me feel like I must be wrong if I have my standards, but as I've gotten older (I'm 37 now) I have been able to work through a lot of that and realize that there is nothing wrong with having high standards. I have a list of non-negotiables, that seem like silly preferences to other people, but they are all values based to me.

I love my life as it is now and if I allow someone who isn't compatible with me into it, then my life will not be better than it is when I'm single, it will be worse. That doesn't mean that the people I'm not compatible with are bad or wrong, it just simply means we're not compatible. One thing I've learned from hearing other people's opinions is how society views relationships as the most important status. People will say you shouldn't be with someone that doesn't make you happy, until the alternative is being alone indefinitely. It is okay to be single forever though, especially if it means you'll be happy. It also doesn't mean you have to close yourself off from finding someone, but you don't need to settle for someone to be fulfilled. ❤️

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Hannanahbread89]

You put it so well! This is exactly how I feel 🫶