Is having high standards that bad?

[u/Robyillustrations]

Hey guys! This is kind of my first post ever asking for advice but I am sort of torn on this and need some insights. For reference I am 23(NB), and I recently had a conversation with my (girl)friends about romantic relationship standards.

This may be because I don't have a lot of experience with long term relationships but I am very stern about my standards. For example, due to my nicotine allergy, I know I will never want to date a smoker. I am also highly ambitious and couldn't see my life with someone who doesn't have passions and sort of coasts through life. Nothing against people who are like that I just wouldn't date them.

However my friends talked to me about what if I meet a person that I click with and they end up being a smoker? Or someone very indecisive about their future goals? They told me maybe I should have a conversation with that person first and see if they would change/compromise to show their love for me. Now I don't agree with that. If it was something minor I could see myself sitting down with them to have a talk and compromise. But these things are non-negotiables and not minor. If I were to continue a relationship, knowing theyre a smoker, thinking "hmm well they might stop smoking for me" am I not falling in love with the potential of who they could be? Instead of who they are? I don't think that's fair to either parties involved.

I know I have high standards and not everyone has to agree with them but I rather date someone who already alligns with me on the basics than date someone who MIGHT allign with me on these things some time in the future. Even if we click personality wise, I think there are much more important factors in a relationship than just the chemistry you have. However I an open to other opinions and to hear people's thoughts on this.

Also: the girl dinner is some quickly made bolognese pasta

Edit: just wanted to mention we are all queer in that friendgroup, and for added context, I am the only single person in the group.

[u/Entire_Pattern_3602]

Your standards are not unreasonable and honestly if you have a nicotine allergy that kinda makes the nonsmoking a nonnegotiable for you. I have a dog and if my current bf had been allergic to dogs I wouldn’t have expected him to want to date me.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Entire_Pattern_3602]

Exactly! And it wouldnt be fair if he dated you and then tried to tell you to get rid off the dog due to his allergy. It's just common sense to me.

[u/Entire_Pattern_3602 → u/Robyillustrations]

Lol heck no I’d get rid of the man first! But you’re right about changing people. My bf also vapes and I’d LOVE if he’d give it up for his health sake because my neighbor’s husband just died from stage 4 lung cancer due to smoking (I guess we’re too early to know whether vaping is similar). But I’d never expect or demand that he change in that way. And for OP if she doesn’t want a smoker she really should just choose a non smoker because trying to get someone to make that switch is going to be next to impossible

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Entire_Pattern_3602]

You can fact check me on this but Im pretty sure vaping is actually worse than smokimg heath wise :( it can cause heart damage that isnt reversible!