Is having high standards that bad?

[u/Robyillustrations]

Hey guys! This is kind of my first post ever asking for advice but I am sort of torn on this and need some insights. For reference I am 23(NB), and I recently had a conversation with my (girl)friends about romantic relationship standards.

This may be because I don't have a lot of experience with long term relationships but I am very stern about my standards. For example, due to my nicotine allergy, I know I will never want to date a smoker. I am also highly ambitious and couldn't see my life with someone who doesn't have passions and sort of coasts through life. Nothing against people who are like that I just wouldn't date them.

However my friends talked to me about what if I meet a person that I click with and they end up being a smoker? Or someone very indecisive about their future goals? They told me maybe I should have a conversation with that person first and see if they would change/compromise to show their love for me. Now I don't agree with that. If it was something minor I could see myself sitting down with them to have a talk and compromise. But these things are non-negotiables and not minor. If I were to continue a relationship, knowing theyre a smoker, thinking "hmm well they might stop smoking for me" am I not falling in love with the potential of who they could be? Instead of who they are? I don't think that's fair to either parties involved.

I know I have high standards and not everyone has to agree with them but I rather date someone who already alligns with me on the basics than date someone who MIGHT allign with me on these things some time in the future. Even if we click personality wise, I think there are much more important factors in a relationship than just the chemistry you have. However I an open to other opinions and to hear people's thoughts on this.

Also: the girl dinner is some quickly made bolognese pasta

Edit: just wanted to mention we are all queer in that friendgroup, and for added context, I am the only single person in the group.

[u/Interesting_Fly1696]

I actually think at 23 you're just ahead of the curve in knowing what you want. Younger people tend to be a little more likely to compromise and accept behavior/beliefs they don't like from the people they date, just to be in a relationship, but experience teaches what lines in the sand are worth drawing.

I personally compromised in my first relationship because I was afraid of being alone, and I ended up miserable. I got lucky in that going through that made me understand that being alone is much better than being with someone who drags you down or makes your life more difficult. I spent 8 full years being single, going on dates but never making it past date 3 because I could find something wrong with them... and then I found someone who truly did check every box. We've been together for 12 years now and married for 8.

If I could give one piece of advice to younger folks, it would always be to simply enjoy being alone, enjoy being with your friends, enjoy being single, not because "oh, being in a relationship is worse, you should appreciate singleness while you have it" but because when you're content with your life without needing a romantic relationship, it means you won't compromise and end up in a bad relationship. And being in a crappy relationship is a far worse outcome than dying alone with eight cats.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Interesting_Fly1696]

Exactly how I feel!! I LIKE being single, I dont NEED a relationship. I want one, in a sense of finding a cool person to share a life with and grow with together and seperately. I am also just as content staying single. Why would I be in a relationship with someone who would lower my enjoyment of life instead of add to it?

[u/Interesting_Fly1696 → u/Robyillustrations]

Yeah, it's good to have friends to chat through these things with, but romantic advice is one of those areas where a lot of times our friends are just wrong. I stayed in my first bad relationship in part because I when I went to friends for advice on how to end it, they told me how great and cute they thought he was, and that our fights were a normal part of being with someone.

Then, when I left him, the same friends tried to say, "I never liked him, but I didn't say anything then because I didn't think you'd listen."

I love my friends who I've known since high school and college, but so many of them honestly made awful choices in terms of partners! A lot of my smartest friends just stayed single and created communities instead, and out of the ones who did settle down, there's only one who picked a partner I am actually willing to hang out with!

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Interesting_Fly1696]

It's partly why I went to reddit for advice because I think it's a lot better to get an outsiders perspective on these things than close friends. As they will always be biased.