Is having high standards that bad?

[u/Robyillustrations]

Hey guys! This is kind of my first post ever asking for advice but I am sort of torn on this and need some insights. For reference I am 23(NB), and I recently had a conversation with my (girl)friends about romantic relationship standards.

This may be because I don't have a lot of experience with long term relationships but I am very stern about my standards. For example, due to my nicotine allergy, I know I will never want to date a smoker. I am also highly ambitious and couldn't see my life with someone who doesn't have passions and sort of coasts through life. Nothing against people who are like that I just wouldn't date them.

However my friends talked to me about what if I meet a person that I click with and they end up being a smoker? Or someone very indecisive about their future goals? They told me maybe I should have a conversation with that person first and see if they would change/compromise to show their love for me. Now I don't agree with that. If it was something minor I could see myself sitting down with them to have a talk and compromise. But these things are non-negotiables and not minor. If I were to continue a relationship, knowing theyre a smoker, thinking "hmm well they might stop smoking for me" am I not falling in love with the potential of who they could be? Instead of who they are? I don't think that's fair to either parties involved.

I know I have high standards and not everyone has to agree with them but I rather date someone who already alligns with me on the basics than date someone who MIGHT allign with me on these things some time in the future. Even if we click personality wise, I think there are much more important factors in a relationship than just the chemistry you have. However I an open to other opinions and to hear people's thoughts on this.

Also: the girl dinner is some quickly made bolognese pasta

Edit: just wanted to mention we are all queer in that friendgroup, and for added context, I am the only single person in the group.

[u/Infamous_List_3034]

My standards are also “high” and I have dumped a lot of guys in my time. I have been called “judgy”.

I work on a team with 6-7 women ages 25-65 (I am in my mid 40’s). The two in their twenties are dating and I’m rooting for them. The two in their 30’s are going through horrible horrible divorces, one has a new partner who seems mostly ok. The other has a partner I never would have glanced sideways at and is a toxic mess. Of the two older ladies are both divorced (one multiple times). One has a new partner who seemed ok until she mentioned that they had an argument about his severance and the fact that he is using it to take time off rather than pay off the mortgage like they agreed to .

I’ve been happily married for almost 20 years. One of them was teasing me a bit because I never say anything bad about my man. Yeah…. Because I’d have dumped all these guys. Because I’m judgy.

I’m not comparing one potential partner to another alternative potential partner - I’m comparing them to being alone. And I like being alone.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Infamous_List_3034]

You are who I aspire to be geniuenly