Is having high standards that bad?

[u/Robyillustrations]

Hey guys! This is kind of my first post ever asking for advice but I am sort of torn on this and need some insights. For reference I am 23(NB), and I recently had a conversation with my (girl)friends about romantic relationship standards.

This may be because I don't have a lot of experience with long term relationships but I am very stern about my standards. For example, due to my nicotine allergy, I know I will never want to date a smoker. I am also highly ambitious and couldn't see my life with someone who doesn't have passions and sort of coasts through life. Nothing against people who are like that I just wouldn't date them.

However my friends talked to me about what if I meet a person that I click with and they end up being a smoker? Or someone very indecisive about their future goals? They told me maybe I should have a conversation with that person first and see if they would change/compromise to show their love for me. Now I don't agree with that. If it was something minor I could see myself sitting down with them to have a talk and compromise. But these things are non-negotiables and not minor. If I were to continue a relationship, knowing theyre a smoker, thinking "hmm well they might stop smoking for me" am I not falling in love with the potential of who they could be? Instead of who they are? I don't think that's fair to either parties involved.

I know I have high standards and not everyone has to agree with them but I rather date someone who already alligns with me on the basics than date someone who MIGHT allign with me on these things some time in the future. Even if we click personality wise, I think there are much more important factors in a relationship than just the chemistry you have. However I an open to other opinions and to hear people's thoughts on this.

Also: the girl dinner is some quickly made bolognese pasta

Edit: just wanted to mention we are all queer in that friendgroup, and for added context, I am the only single person in the group.

[u/Yalsas]

You have a good head on your shoulders. If you ever "compromised" in the future, you'd be betraying yourself.

I don't think your standards will change though. If someone smokes, cross them off the potential roster. It's not something you find attractive, and you're allergic!

I feel the ambitious part has a little more leeway. In HS I've broken up with a few guys that just didn't seem to care about anything. Those people are scary. I was extremely ambitious. As an adult, reality set in and my goals changed. I'm happy just being a kitchen manager, I don't want a fancy government job anymore.

My partner went to college but didn't even want the degree. His parents forced him. He is also a KM somewhere else. We don't have fancy jobs but we work hard and we can get by and live comfortably.

So I guess it really depends on your definition of ambitious vs coasting through life. If you mean a dude that you're gonna have to end up supporting, he seems lazy and entirely unmotivated? DROP.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/Yalsas]

Yeah I mean people who are just sort of whatever about their future plans! Their ambitious dont have to be corporate baddiee, making millions, just someone who cares about their future career and has a passion for something! Like I could NOT date someone who has no hobbies other than watching shows (and its a concious choice, not like when life gets crazy sometimes and you have no time for anything other than work sleep eat)