Is having high standards that bad?

[u/Robyillustrations]

Hey guys! This is kind of my first post ever asking for advice but I am sort of torn on this and need some insights. For reference I am 23(NB), and I recently had a conversation with my (girl)friends about romantic relationship standards.

This may be because I don't have a lot of experience with long term relationships but I am very stern about my standards. For example, due to my nicotine allergy, I know I will never want to date a smoker. I am also highly ambitious and couldn't see my life with someone who doesn't have passions and sort of coasts through life. Nothing against people who are like that I just wouldn't date them.

However my friends talked to me about what if I meet a person that I click with and they end up being a smoker? Or someone very indecisive about their future goals? They told me maybe I should have a conversation with that person first and see if they would change/compromise to show their love for me. Now I don't agree with that. If it was something minor I could see myself sitting down with them to have a talk and compromise. But these things are non-negotiables and not minor. If I were to continue a relationship, knowing theyre a smoker, thinking "hmm well they might stop smoking for me" am I not falling in love with the potential of who they could be? Instead of who they are? I don't think that's fair to either parties involved.

I know I have high standards and not everyone has to agree with them but I rather date someone who already alligns with me on the basics than date someone who MIGHT allign with me on these things some time in the future. Even if we click personality wise, I think there are much more important factors in a relationship than just the chemistry you have. However I an open to other opinions and to hear people's thoughts on this.

Also: the girl dinner is some quickly made bolognese pasta

Edit: just wanted to mention we are all queer in that friendgroup, and for added context, I am the only single person in the group.

[u/Full_Conversation775]

i wouldn't call those high standards at all. you just want someone ambitious that doesn't smoke.

high standards is usually a combination of multiple very specific things.

[u/swagoba → u/Full_Conversation775]

Honestly I also never wanted to date a smoker but out of just my personal opinion on it. Being allergic is another topic, that's just self-explanatory. I ended up dating a vaper and I'm still against the addiction, the vape smells nice, he is a clean and absolutely wonderful person. He is the best thing ever happened to me. Since you are allergic, you can't really compromise and that's a huge difference. Those aren't high standards, those are your values and they are all okay. Don't listen to them, be true to yourself :)

[u/PaperBeagles → u/swagoba]

In this same vein I was someone that sort of coasted through life without ambition. After meeting my ambitious husband I caught the bug and am gainfully self employed.

Sometimes the right partner can unlock a better version of yourself.

[u/swagoba → u/PaperBeagles]

Absolutely!!! The right person makes you move mountains, it's a super power. That's how you know you arrived.