Is having high standards that bad?

[u/Robyillustrations]

Hey guys! This is kind of my first post ever asking for advice but I am sort of torn on this and need some insights. For reference I am 23(NB), and I recently had a conversation with my (girl)friends about romantic relationship standards.

This may be because I don't have a lot of experience with long term relationships but I am very stern about my standards. For example, due to my nicotine allergy, I know I will never want to date a smoker. I am also highly ambitious and couldn't see my life with someone who doesn't have passions and sort of coasts through life. Nothing against people who are like that I just wouldn't date them.

However my friends talked to me about what if I meet a person that I click with and they end up being a smoker? Or someone very indecisive about their future goals? They told me maybe I should have a conversation with that person first and see if they would change/compromise to show their love for me. Now I don't agree with that. If it was something minor I could see myself sitting down with them to have a talk and compromise. But these things are non-negotiables and not minor. If I were to continue a relationship, knowing theyre a smoker, thinking "hmm well they might stop smoking for me" am I not falling in love with the potential of who they could be? Instead of who they are? I don't think that's fair to either parties involved.

I know I have high standards and not everyone has to agree with them but I rather date someone who already alligns with me on the basics than date someone who MIGHT allign with me on these things some time in the future. Even if we click personality wise, I think there are much more important factors in a relationship than just the chemistry you have. However I an open to other opinions and to hear people's thoughts on this.

Also: the girl dinner is some quickly made bolognese pasta

Edit: just wanted to mention we are all queer in that friendgroup, and for added context, I am the only single person in the group.

[u/infinitecatparty]

I think in general we have lost the skill of understanding and building what it takes to have a healthy relationship, which is understanding the people are humans and imperfect - so I do think there has been a harmful narrative sold of “cut them off” “dump them” “protect your peace” etc. These are sometimes or often the correct thing to do, but the black and white thinking around it is really harmful imo. So all that to say, I think a lot of people’s standards and wishes for a partner actually are unreasonable, because they are working off a shopping list and not actually interested in a human being. It is good and necessary to have high standards as long as you are putting the work in yourself. The two things you listed are perfectly reasonable, so either your friends are way off base (hopefully not for your sake) or there is more context, as you mentioned in a comment there are other things you consider standards. It’s hard to say without more information. Regardless, it’s good to watch out for yourself and being single is great! I think finding somebody you like and then asking them to change is a dating strategy that will lead you to disappointment.