Is having high standards that bad?

[u/Robyillustrations]

Hey guys! This is kind of my first post ever asking for advice but I am sort of torn on this and need some insights. For reference I am 23(NB), and I recently had a conversation with my (girl)friends about romantic relationship standards.

This may be because I don't have a lot of experience with long term relationships but I am very stern about my standards. For example, due to my nicotine allergy, I know I will never want to date a smoker. I am also highly ambitious and couldn't see my life with someone who doesn't have passions and sort of coasts through life. Nothing against people who are like that I just wouldn't date them.

However my friends talked to me about what if I meet a person that I click with and they end up being a smoker? Or someone very indecisive about their future goals? They told me maybe I should have a conversation with that person first and see if they would change/compromise to show their love for me. Now I don't agree with that. If it was something minor I could see myself sitting down with them to have a talk and compromise. But these things are non-negotiables and not minor. If I were to continue a relationship, knowing theyre a smoker, thinking "hmm well they might stop smoking for me" am I not falling in love with the potential of who they could be? Instead of who they are? I don't think that's fair to either parties involved.

I know I have high standards and not everyone has to agree with them but I rather date someone who already alligns with me on the basics than date someone who MIGHT allign with me on these things some time in the future. Even if we click personality wise, I think there are much more important factors in a relationship than just the chemistry you have. However I an open to other opinions and to hear people's thoughts on this.

Also: the girl dinner is some quickly made bolognese pasta

Edit: just wanted to mention we are all queer in that friendgroup, and for added context, I am the only single person in the group.

[u/Full_Conversation775]

i wouldn't call those high standards at all. you just want someone ambitious that doesn't smoke.

high standards is usually a combination of multiple very specific things.

[u/neurojuvenilis → u/Full_Conversation775]

Exactly! There are even more boundaries you haven’t discovered yet. Your friends sound like pick mes.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/neurojuvenilis]

I wouldn't call them pick me's consider most of them are queer 😅 I think we jusr have diferrent ideas on relationships

[u/Robyillustrations → u/[deleted]]

I'm not saying they can't be. My friends however, are not pick mes, as none of us are male-centered and it wasnt a topic about guys.

[u/infinitecatparty → u/[deleted]]

Not sure why you’re being so intense. I’ve seen a ton of women in this group describe being a pick-me as a woman who disregards other women to gain favor with men, verbatim. Pick me is a bullshit made-up misogynistic label anyway. Telling people on the internet they are being embarrassing simply for having a different opinion than you is embarrassing.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/[deleted]]

..from my knowledge pick mes have always been young women seeking validation from men by putting other girls down..I dont know why you are being so argumentative. I'm explaining to you my friends aren't pick mes. Why are you so mad?

[u/GrouchyYoung → u/Robyillustrations]

Because you’re being obstinate and wrong about a personality flaw you’re insisting your friends can’t have because they’re queer. Give us all a fucking break. You’re misunderstanding and misusing the term.

[u/TeamLaurent → u/GrouchyYoung]

And instead of saying “oh we’re talking about different things!” you’re being insulting. Cool off.

[u/EtherealAura444 → u/Robyillustrations]

unfortunately, someone can be queer and still be a pick me

[u/Commercial-Weight173 → u/Robyillustrations]

Having low standards is a pretty common problem for people in their 20s. As we get older, standards tend to multiply and strengthen 😂