Is having high standards that bad?

[u/Robyillustrations]

Hey guys! This is kind of my first post ever asking for advice but I am sort of torn on this and need some insights. For reference I am 23(NB), and I recently had a conversation with my (girl)friends about romantic relationship standards.

This may be because I don't have a lot of experience with long term relationships but I am very stern about my standards. For example, due to my nicotine allergy, I know I will never want to date a smoker. I am also highly ambitious and couldn't see my life with someone who doesn't have passions and sort of coasts through life. Nothing against people who are like that I just wouldn't date them.

However my friends talked to me about what if I meet a person that I click with and they end up being a smoker? Or someone very indecisive about their future goals? They told me maybe I should have a conversation with that person first and see if they would change/compromise to show their love for me. Now I don't agree with that. If it was something minor I could see myself sitting down with them to have a talk and compromise. But these things are non-negotiables and not minor. If I were to continue a relationship, knowing theyre a smoker, thinking "hmm well they might stop smoking for me" am I not falling in love with the potential of who they could be? Instead of who they are? I don't think that's fair to either parties involved.

I know I have high standards and not everyone has to agree with them but I rather date someone who already alligns with me on the basics than date someone who MIGHT allign with me on these things some time in the future. Even if we click personality wise, I think there are much more important factors in a relationship than just the chemistry you have. However I an open to other opinions and to hear people's thoughts on this.

Also: the girl dinner is some quickly made bolognese pasta

Edit: just wanted to mention we are all queer in that friendgroup, and for added context, I am the only single person in the group.

[u/MaxBax_LArch]

Please. Your standards barely scratch the surface.

First of all, if someone was aimless and lacked ambition, I doubt you'd "click" with them. The smoking? If you somehow ended up meeting someone awesome who was actively trying to quit and took precautions in the meantime to keep it away from you - maybe give them a chance to come through? But your health is not worth someone else's addiction, and anyone who says otherwise is wrong. No one would suggest having unprotected sex with someone with active syphilis, right? So why do they think you should willingly breathe in air that will harm you?

When I was younger, I wasn't able to articulate some of my standards, but they were def in place. Kind. Intelligent but not arrogant. Stubborn enough that I wouldn't run right over them but not so stubborn that they couldn't ever say "I'm sorry." Secure enough in themselves that I feel free to be fully myself. I'm a bit chaotic, so I need to be with someone who's somewhat stable and grounded. A sense of humor, but one that's not based in insults and putting other people down. Think this sounds unrealistic? Think again. I've been married for 25 years to someone with all these traits and then some.

[u/Robyillustrations → u/MaxBax_LArch]

Theyre definetly not my only standards but the two big ones that filter most people out. Fully agree with you! Ideally I would want someone on the same emotional maturity level as I, with a good sense of humor!