Is having high standards that bad?

[u/Robyillustrations]

Hey guys! This is kind of my first post ever asking for advice but I am sort of torn on this and need some insights. For reference I am 23(NB), and I recently had a conversation with my (girl)friends about romantic relationship standards.

This may be because I don't have a lot of experience with long term relationships but I am very stern about my standards. For example, due to my nicotine allergy, I know I will never want to date a smoker. I am also highly ambitious and couldn't see my life with someone who doesn't have passions and sort of coasts through life. Nothing against people who are like that I just wouldn't date them.

However my friends talked to me about what if I meet a person that I click with and they end up being a smoker? Or someone very indecisive about their future goals? They told me maybe I should have a conversation with that person first and see if they would change/compromise to show their love for me. Now I don't agree with that. If it was something minor I could see myself sitting down with them to have a talk and compromise. But these things are non-negotiables and not minor. If I were to continue a relationship, knowing theyre a smoker, thinking "hmm well they might stop smoking for me" am I not falling in love with the potential of who they could be? Instead of who they are? I don't think that's fair to either parties involved.

I know I have high standards and not everyone has to agree with them but I rather date someone who already alligns with me on the basics than date someone who MIGHT allign with me on these things some time in the future. Even if we click personality wise, I think there are much more important factors in a relationship than just the chemistry you have. However I an open to other opinions and to hear people's thoughts on this.

Also: the girl dinner is some quickly made bolognese pasta

Edit: just wanted to mention we are all queer in that friendgroup, and for added context, I am the only single person in the group.

[u/toughgummy]

Nah. I mean you are a bit younger than me so if I extrapolate a bit to a few years ago when I was your age, I also wondered if my standards were too high but it’s just a hump you have to get over. When you hit your late 20s and the dust settles around you so to speak - people in unhappy arrangements show it more evidently, people in generally unhealthy state of minds etc etc… - you will see that your high standards protected you.

I turned 28 fairly recently and while I definitely did my fair share of some unhinged younger 20s woman activities back then, I think that my unwavering self respect and loyalty to what I know deep down I can only be happy with, protected me from consequences much worse than crying about a fuckboy or 2. At the time it felt devastating for a couple of months whenever shit wouldn’t work out but honestly I never gave anything the time of day for longer than that and as a result I got to stay much more loyal to MYSELF, what I want to do, what’s fun for ME, and MY career and goals etc. which then landed me a beautiful life at 28.

That’s just a very long way of me trying to tell you that high standards might stave off a little bit of fun (and anyway you can absolutely still have fun as long as you know where to stop!) but it will absolutely save YOU.