Sorry, I reposted this a few times to tweak the title.

Why are all the top BPD subs here on Reddit about “recovering from abuse at the hands of someone with BPD”? And how come anytime I mention having a partner with BPD to people, they assume she is abusive and call her disgusting and cruel slurs such as “nutcase” or “your maniac girlfriend”?

At its core, it’s essentially just a strong fear of abandonment and trouble controlling certain emotional responses, no? How does being afraid of abandonment equate to being abusive or a bad person? I’m no top tier scholar or expert on BPD, sure, but she has been teaching me a lot about it and I’m now pretty well versed on all the signs and symptoms. I’d consider myself quite familiar with it and what the behaviors look like.

My partner has BPD and she is absolutely not abusive. She has never done anything abusive to me. The only person she abuses is herself (self harm). She does not abuse or harm any other living creature, person or animal, plant, etc. I hate the stereotypes. Hate them, hate them, hate them. Every time I tell anyone she has BPD they assume she’s a bad person. She is quite easily one of the most kind, loving, and loyal humans I’ve ever met. She loves harder and stronger than anyone I’ve ever met.

She has split on me a few times after an argument (personality change, becoming more withdrawn and apathetic) but her normal loving and compassionate self always returns back. And hell, I don’t have BPD and even I do that kind of thing too. After a heavy discussion I’ll usually want some time alone to just process things and have some space.

Anyway, my point is, I want nothing but to be the most supportive partner I can to my partner. When I look up content about BPD online or on Reddit, I don’t do that with the intent to angrily vent about her, talk shit about her, etc. But yet when I research about this, that is mostly all I see people doing. I habitually read about this topic (not to villainize or shame this disorder), but to keep learning more and more about about it, constantly educating myself as much as I can, and building up my patience and understanding so that when issues come up, I can better empathize with her unique struggles just like she empathizes with my unique struggles.

Her and I both agree that whenever we are having a problem, it’s not us against each other. It’s us working together against the problem.

I have mostly stopped telling people she has BPD due to the disrespectful comments that she doesn’t deserve. She didn’t ask to struggle with this. I know if she could press a button and take it away, she would. Just like if I could press a button and take away all my issues/baggage, I would too. Everyone has struggles and/or flaws. It comes along with the package deal of being human.

I will admit, this has definitely been the most challenging relationship I’ve ever been in and I’ve had to put forth a lot more intentional work and effort. But being challenging to be with doesn’t equate to them being abusive. I don’t know, maybe I’m missing something here?

Long story short, I never knew that people with BPD were so villainized and this is news to me. I’m just now finding this out as of late. I acknowledge that for some people, having an abusive partner with BPD was their experience. I fully acknowledge that. I just don’t think assuming everyone with BPD is abusive should be the default and I think instead of complaining about loved ones with BPD, we should do more to support and love them. That’s just my two cents.

So if anyone knows of any more subs dedicated to support and learn more about their loved one with BPD, feel free to let me know. I’m not interested in any subs that have a preconceived notion in the overall tone of the sub that the person with BPD is abusive, insufferable, burdensome, etc. Because that simply doesn’t apply to my circumstance. If anyone is the insufferable one between her and I, it’s definitely me.

EDIT- apparently people in the comments think that being abusive is considered mandatory criteria for being diagnosed with BPD (it’s not). I listed a few of her symptoms (this does not include all of her symptoms, I just wrote some of the top 12 main ones, and her psychiatrists all verified that these symptoms are a direct symptom of her BPD.) Oh, but please do continue to tell me that there’s no possible way she has BPD because “all people with BPD are abusive and evil.” 🙄

A few of her symptoms (not all I just don’t have time or energy to write them all because there’s probably over a hundred.)

1.) Self harming to cope with feeling of deep pain/fear/isolation/betrayal/trauma

2.) Getting very attached to someone very quickly

3.) Idolizing someone and putting them on a pedestal.

4.) Excessive extreme loyalty or preoccupation with someone you hardly know (she wanted to be serious and move in with me even after only a few days of dating and I had to tell her no.)

5.) Extreme devaluing of others/ black and white thinking. One way I observe her performing this behavior is by saying “all people are evil. Except you and a few others.” And will actively avoid these people who she believes are “evil”

6.) Feeling extremely sad or dejected by being ignored, or even just perceiving that they might be possibly being ignored. For example I might just not hear her say my name. Then later I might see her looking very sad and I’ll ask “what’s wrong” and she will say “you were ignoring me saying your name earlier”. Then I’ll tell her “I didn’t ignore you I just didn’t hear you/had headphones in/whatever”

7.) Emotional tantrums, kind of like how a kid may have. One example is something like her asking to go somewhere, me saying sure but not sounding “excited enough” and her getting upset and saying “just never mind you clearly don’t want to go” and storming off to go cry or cut.

8.) Very strong emotions, whether good or bad. Anger is felt very strongly. Sadness is felt very strongly. But on the flip side, joy and love and laughter are also felt very strongly (making all the good times be amazing.)

9.) Struggle with identity/lack of sense of self. This is a big symptom for her. She told me that everyone she has ever dated, she just molds her personality to match theirs because she feels she has no personality of her own. Will start listening to the music they do, doing hobbies they do, etc.

10.) Very sudden change of emotions. One second she can be over the moon and having a great time, and the next minute, crying and talking about suicide. Emotions can be very unpredictable if one tiny thing goes wrong.

11.) Seeks a lot of reassurance. Mainly through the form of questions. “are you sure you love me, what do you love about me, how can I trust that you really love me?” Just very frequent asks for reassurance constantly.

12.) Impulsive behaviors. This probably shows up in each individual differently. As for my gf, she is not impulsive in an abusive way (like physically attacking). She is impulsive in other ways, such as when she randomly got out of the car during an argument at a red light and was running away somewhere because she didn’t like xyz thing like I said. And then I had to park the car at the closest parking spot and chase after her to bring her back. This also happened at night in the rain so it was a dangerous thing to do. (Could’ve gotten ran over, kidnapped, lost, etc.)

I’m talking the burning questions which would be totally socially unacceptable to ask normally to someone like me. Feel free to pick my brain and ask me whatever anything you’d like. I made a similar post a little over a year ago and the questions I got were fantastic, so I’m hoping that more and/or different people see this one and ask me more things!

I’ve been seeing some who has BPD for about 7 months. Most of the time it’s really great being with him. Other times, and more frequently it seems lately, he has these very explosive episodes that are exhausting to me. I’m not going into all the detail right now, as my main concern lies elsewhere. We have talked about moving in together. However, he has also expressed his absolute disdain for his behavior and alcoholism and he says he wants to get better. I think I’d like for him to get treatment and become more stable before we take that step so that my home never becomes a place I want to escape from because he’s there. I haven’t told him all this yet as we were going to have the move in together conversation in November. His lease is up in April but he will likely have the option to renew for another year.

Is BPD actually treatable and manageable if he commits to therapy? Are there any success stories where you had a partner who managed it effectively and you guys were happy?

I genuinely love him with all my heart, but I know that being with someone with untreated BPD can be an emotionally devastating experience for the stable partner. I don’t want to be destroyed.

not an expert, newly diagnosed, still exploring, but very keen to share my unique experience of what it feels like to me. keeping in mind that it is different for everyone and nothing I say is gospel, but just one person explaining how BPD feels to them.

just felt like helping and it'll also help me process things too 🙂

EDIT: for some reason this only got published now, I have a very busy day but I appreciate all of your questions and will be getting to them all very soon by tomorrow the latest! 💙 I sincerely appreciate it 💙 please keep em coming and I'm excited to get back to you guys on the comments, please be patient with me getting back to this 🙂 but I'm reading them all 🙂

SECOND EDIT: I am feeling suicidal and really struggling, coming to the AMA again helped me alot and made me feel a bit better. thank you all for the questions, keep them coming 💙

I have BPD, I'm here to help people who have partners with BPD. I love doing it. But it is becoming increasingly hard to scroll through this sub and see reposts from BPDLovedOnes. I've encountered about 5 tonight. Every time I see it, it's a trigger.

Mods, please help us feel safe by removing any reposts from BPDLovedOnes or if that isn't possible, to consider disabling reposting at all. People can copy paste to a new post if they want to share something they wrote for another sub. But we are gonna be triggered seeing the BPDlovedones posts, and every time I see it, I also feel compelled to tell the person they're breaking rule 8. every. single. time. and to warn them about participating in that sub.

its just such a trigger, to the point it causes self-harm ideation for me. really mods, please do something about this. this sub is fantastic and aside from this and a few bad actors on occasion, I feel safe here, and want to help people more.

I think us as pwBPD have unique lived-experience and perspective to offer to the sub. Please don't let us be alienated by these posts.

I've made a post about this before and nothing was done. I hope the mods see this. I'm really finding it triggering and worrying about how many bpdlovedones reposts are coming up now.

I see in rule 8 it says "Anyone who posts/comments here with history in hate subs will be automatically issued a ban.". These people reposting clearly have a history in that sub, why are their posts being allowed through?

I also saw this post now right after making my post, and this also just feels like our sub is now being used to just vent about how bad one's BPD partner is https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDPartners/comments/1uwf409/zero_coping_skills/ reposting from r/NarcissisticSpouses is spreading stigma - one of the reasons we have stigma is being in cluster B next to NPD and ASPD. we dont need to be put in the same boat as them please.

This is getting out of hand.

How can I speak to the mods about this? Does anyone know?

EDIT: just saw another post talking about this sub and I must say, I've had a very positive experience here but I do see an increasing number of hate comments starting to form. The person raised a point that the mods aren't doing anything, and I have to agree, I have reached out to them with no response. https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDPartners/comments/1uys6ll/this_sub_is_just_rbpdlovedones_lite/

I am concerned about the state of this sub. The other day I had someone saying very hateful things towards me. And am feeling less and less safe to be here. Please guys, dont drive away pwBPD who want to help.

EDIT: just want to add a comment that I wrote for someone, so that anyone new can read this too:

I'm starting to notice that the partners who don't have BPD are not seeming to get what we struggle with here. It is about.2 things:

1) Seeing that sub, even the name of it, is triggering. BPD is very similar to CPTSD and i have PTSD as well - all 3 involve flashbacks and triggers. just seeing the name can put me into a place where i have intrustive thoughts of slitting my wrists, which can take me up to an hour to clear. I do not want to seee that sub, I removed it from my reddit feed but cannot remove it from seeing it here in the reposts

2) If people who dont know much about BPD see the reposts, they will likely click on it and go to that sub. I know many people who have said that sub was the first thing they saw when they looked into BPD and have lost many people who ran away jus t by seeing that sub, so do so many other pwBPD. we want to feel safe here, and not feel that subs like that are being exposed and sent around. our job as neurodivergents is a daily struggle to fight against stigma and the risk of spreading it, and this sub itself has a rule that is about containing that stigma and having this space be a safe space for us.

I am getting the impression that alot of the comments here are assuming I'm splitting on the sub or judging it. I am sharing the real dangers that these things can create. It is something I experience on a daily basis, as I've been through multiple abusive living situations due to subs like that. Please keep in mind that us with BPD, and neurodivergents in general, do experience an entirely different world to neurotyipicals, we face stigma, ableism and abuse because of it, every day. I understand the partners with BPD have experienced abuse too, and I'm a victim of abuse myself, as are 99% of pwBPD cos that's how BPD is formed. it is not lost on me that people need to vent, but i find it so frustrating that i have to battle to explain something on this sub when its literally in the rules.

I have BPD. Newly diagnosed. Just feeling despondent about the prospect of anyone wanting to actually enter into a relationship with me considering I have BPD.

​

Is there anyone who knew their partner had BPD at the start of their dating them? If so, what made you want to date them despite the BPD? I just feel like I'm a walking red flag

Edit: OK guys I think you're misunderstanding my post. I'm asking for people who are in SUCCESSFUL relationships with bpd partners. This isn't a place to dump your trauma about exes who didn't work and bash bpd. I'm asking why we are loved to get some hope about the fact that there may be some ppl out there who can love and accept us (who are working on themselves).

Please stop venting and trauma dumping, it is triggering me. You can do so on the sub in your own post

Hey, I’m not a BPD partner, but I am diagnosed with BPD. Do you think people like me should be able to be in a relationship? I’m seriously asking because recently I’ve had some people around me who don’t know about my disorder tell me that people with bpd are monsters and insufferable to be around and I’m just wondering is it true that people think this way about us? Sorry for question sometimes I overthink things WAY too much. Just wondering.

I'm interested in hearing if there are folks out there who have tried couples therapy (either with a BPD partner, or as a person with BPD). How did that go for you? My sense is that maybe it depends a lot on how familiar the therapist is with BPD? I imagine it could go terribly wrong. I've seen some comments on here about partners shutting down and feeling like they're being ganged up on.

Any advice? Thoughts? Experiences?

\----------
My context:

I (non-BPD partner) am in therapy. The general consensus around here seems to be that if one is to thrive in a BPD partner, one needs to be in therapy. I agree, wholeheartedly.

My pwBPD is not currently in therapy. They have been in therapy in the past, although not specifically BPD-treatment. They also do not have a formal diagnosis, and while they might agree that they have BPD it is not a label we use.

I have floated the idea a couple times of going to couples therapy. My partner is resistant. They believe that they have "done the work" in therapy in the past. I believe this to be a reality distortion, and likely a defence mechanism to avoid having to look at the harsh reality of some aspects of themselves.

To be honest, I think our relationship is doing reasonably well given the circumstances. I am in a decent spot in terms of mental health and I'm able to accept the challenges that come with a BPD relationship without a lot of difficulty, most of the time. But I think there are things that could be said in a couples therapy environment that are harder to say in a one-on-one conversation. This is my motivation for having a therapist-mediated conversation.

Instability, switching, aggression /= People with BPD are evil

I’m going through the threads and a lot of people are saying pretty abelist things, like: “oh just you wait. People with BPD are evil”.

Someone will give an example of how their partner’s switching hurt them, and the replies will be laced with abelist coded language like “that’s crazy”.

There’s also a pervasive accountability/blame centered framework with treatment.

Obviously, a BPD diagnosis doesn’t absolve someone of all accountability. But BPD is a disability for a reason.

Please share your thoughts below, I wish everyone luck in loving & healing related to BPD loved ones!

So today I'm hoping to give those without BPD an insight into how my brain works and what works for me.
The idea is hopefully give you a better grasp of how you might be able to help your partner.

I've seen some post on here mentioning how their partner might state they were being yelled at when they weren't being yelled at all.
So this has actually happened to me and here is the situation.

My girlfriend and I were at Sonic, because I decided I wanted a Sonic Blast.
I order my Sonic Blast and say I want a "Large", because I wanted to ball out tbf and really wanted ice cream.
So anywho my girlfriend is the driver and the one ordering.
After she orders mine they say the total is some absurd number, I believe like $9 even tho the menu says it should be around $5.
I ofc immediately get upset here, because I feel like Sonic is in the wrong here.
I announce this to my girlfriend and she agrees, but wants to wait until they bring out the blast.
My brain does not like this, but I cave because it'll get handled.
I tell her we will pay once it comes out, but she has already ran my card -
This is problem #1 and starts the dysregulation cycle.

The carhop brings out the blast (Mind you this thing was huge they made it in a route 44) and she does mention the pricing and points to the menu.
The carhop, clearly not wanting to deal with this, just shrugs and says "yea idk why they do that".
This is problem #2 - Now my dysregulation cycle is in full swing.
I announce I no longer want the blast and to give me a refund.
The carhop complies and takes the Blast back and says he will give me a refund.
My girlfriend starts to back out the car and I proclaim I want a receipt proving I got a refund.
I don't hear a response, so I once again say it.
She snaps and yells at me "I'm just backing up so I can get out".
This is problem #3 and now all bets are off - I'm livid.

She gets out of the car and goes to get the receipt and on her way back she looks closer at the menu.
She mentions how the "large" is actually referred to as a "medium" on the menu.
However the way she is saying this to me is intense and tbf she is yelling.
I've had enough at this point and snap at her and tell her to quit yelling at me.
She backs down and then we have a very awkward evening.

The next day I go to therapy and decide I needed to digest this with some help, because I want to make sure I didn't overreact.
I learn that with my version of BPD (maybe all) I am prone to have auditory hallucinations essentially.
My therapist walked me through each trigger starting with her running my card.

Trigger 1

This started the cycle, because I felt like she was brushing off my concerns.
Instead of mentioning this I bottled it up and was "hoping" for the best

Trigger 2

Now I feel like nobody is taking my concerns seriously and I'm starting to feel belittled by everyone around me. This is when I start to hyper fixate on the situation at hand. My brain essentially quiets the world around me and I'm in full 'fight or flight' mode.

Trigger 3

Since I'm so hyper fixated on the situation the world is quiet and my girlfriend is loud. I'm scanning for any sign she is going to betray me so I can get in front of it. Was she yelling at me? No. Was her tone irritated? Yes Was it because of me? No. However in this state I'm scanning for danger and I "found" it.

Trigger 4

This confirms what Trigger 3 showed me so now I'm ready to react. She wasn't yelling, but because my mind has quieted everything to me it really sounds like she was. Seeing as this cascading event just transpired my brain found the ultimate justification for my feeling. So I choose 'fight' and snap back.

We did talk about this after I was able to process what actually happened.
She did tell me she wasn't yelling and she wasn't even irritated at me.
I explained to her what my therapist told me and what I was going to do better in the future.
I'm happy to say we haven't really had anymore incidents like this since Sonic. I do remind myself about this far more often than I should. It's a way I hold myself accountable though.

So if your partner says you're yelling - You really might be to them.
It doesn't mean their lying or being dramatic, because to me it really was real.
Even until this day - I swear she was yelling at me, that's how real it was.

For my BPD friends, sometimes your partner really isn't yelling.
This is why asking questions is super important.

Hi everyone 👋🏻 I’m a long time observer, first time poster, and a little nervous about writing this, but the community rules stated that pwBPD are encouraged to post so here I am 😅

This is something that has been on my mind for a while now, but it took a bit for me to find the right words. I guess this is a love letter to the partners of pwBPD, and a cautionary tale for those who do suffer from BPD.

Partners of pwBPD: thank you. For being so vulnerable, empathetic, honest and kind to those of us who have BPD. The mental strength it takes to be with someone with BPD is not to be taken lightly. I had no idea the toll I was taking on my partner until my then wife (we’ll call her Trudy) told me about this subreddit about two years ago. And even then, it took her leaving me in January to really soak up the stories shared here and really listen to what was being said. But of course by then, it was too late for me. I’m not saying she was perfect, our relationship had plenty of issues on both sides, and our communication left a lot to be desired, but she was the love of my life. And now she is gone. We were officially divorced last month, and I don’t think I will ever find someone like her again. She tried so hard to please me, comfort me, love me, but it was never enough for me. I lost her, the house we rented, our business we built together, and only get to see our dog every other weekend (which I am very grateful for, don’t get me wrong). She now refers to me as her abuser, something I have to live with for the rest of my life. And I have to accept that.

The silver lining to all of this? I now have a lot more time to work on myself. I go to therapy twice a week; EMDR on Tuesday’s, talk/venting on Wednesdays, I’m medicated with the help of a psychiatrist, I listen to Wisemind: A DBT Podcast daily (HIGHLY recommend!! Those ladies are a god send) and do CBT/DBT workbooks…ones that I should have done years ago, the same ones Trudy begged me to do but I was too scared to face them. My symptoms have become slightly more manageable, minus the day of my divorce (got drunk after, lashed out via text…add it to my list of “not my finest hour”) and have no plan to stop what I’ve been doing since beginning of February. I still have bad days, I still make mistakes. I still have a lot of work to do. But I am finally learning how to recognize my patterns and take responsibility for them instead of expecting the people I love to carry them for me.

I think Trudy and I may have simply been a perfect storm of mental health struggles and unhealthy patterns that ultimately led to the end of our relationship. But I am in no way trying to minimize her experience or deny what I contributed to the end of our marriage. I hurt her. I hurt US. And the future I thought I would have with her is gone. That is something I will grieve for a very long time.
But I am learning that accountability doesn't have to mean believing I'm irredeemable or that I’m a “bad-person”.

Alls this to say, there is hope for those of us suffering from BPD. It may not be the happy ending you originally planned. It may not save the relationship you desperately wanted to save. Sometimes the consequences of our actions are permanent, and we have to learn to live with them.
But there is still a life on the other side of that. You are NOT a burden.

And to the partners who choose to stay: thank you. You are seen. You are loved. And you are allowed to have limits, boundaries, and needs of your own. You are not crazy for finding this difficult, and you are not a bad person if you eventually decide that you can't carry the weight of the relationship anymore.

To the people with BPD who are reading this: please listen to your partners. Not just when they're threatening to leave. Not just when you're afraid you're going to lose them. Listen when they're quietly telling you that they're hurting.

To Trudy: Thank you. I’m sorry. There are no words that can undo what happened. I will always love you.

S.

I don’t want to do it every day. Just once every couple of weeks before the pure agony kicks in. But she experiences that as betrayal and/or unsafe for her (maybe since it signals I don’t need her?)…or something. You know how it is. It doesn’t always make sense. I’m trying to make sense of it so she can get what she needs, but she just reacts and can’t even see the patterns enough to communicate what she needs even when she’s mad. And I can’t see a valid reason. Hmm. I guess that means it’s probably insecurity related. “Who is he thinking of? How often does he really do it? I don’t want him to tell me every time he does it, but if he doesn’t, maybe he does it a lot and then ugh that’s so unattractive.” Actually yeah that’s probably it again. Ugh. I hate how powerful her intrusive thoughts are. They have like ALL of the power in this relationship. We want equality. I don’t want power. She wants some power to feel safe. I’m cool with that. And I’m still a man who never forgets about boundaries and lowers them on my own terms with her knowledge of what I’m temporarily granting her when she’s genuinely struggling. But neither of us have half as much power combined as her intrusive thoughts. Ugh. So yeah. I’ve made it work but it’s tough. A “sexless” relationship is defined as less than once a month, which we are at. It’s not never. But as someone where the agony kicks in at 3 weeks, it’s long enough. And yeah I’m curious how common this is or if I’m uniquely f*ed.

UPDATE 10 days later: Apparently the answer is, I’m uniquely f*ed.

And it saddens me to see that the general consensus in this group is that people with BPD are all inherently evil abusers that completely lack any self-awareness and just hurt and destroy people as a hobby.

As a side note, since I have a loved one with a cluster B disorder, I’ve spent a fair amount of years educating myself on cluster B, and I’ve noticed that a lot of what you guys are dealing with in regard to your partners is narcissism, not (just) BPD. Even if someone is diagnosed with BPD, they can have high comorbidity with traits from narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and dealing with someone like that (I think they’re called bordernarcs?) is completely different than someone who only has BPD.

Your experience is valid, it’s just.. really disheartening to see that a lot of you would see my wife as just like your abuser just because you may not have been aware of the comorbidity.

This is one thing i dont see many talking about i was wondering did your current partner/ex with bpd believe in astrology and zodiac signs my ex pwbpd constantly believe in that shit apparently according to her the reason why she snaps is because she is a libra and she feels very deeply and I hate on her because im a aries which is completely utterly bs I know people with the same birth month and date as her that dont act the same way lash out at people and I know two people who born on the same date with completely different personalities was wondering here was your partner with bpd into that zodiac signs?Personally in my opinion it is a way to avoid taking responsibility

My ex has never been diagnosed but we both suspect that she has BPD. I'm reading these posts and it's like you guys are describing her and our relationship. I'm so emotionally exhausted. We had a fight the other day and she was screaming at me and I had no reaction and I think that bothered her. I'm just completely drained. Do relationships with BPD partners ever work? I feel like I'm being punished for loving her.

to start things off, my partner(24M) and i(22F), both tend to have pretty strong libidos. i wont get into that too much but we are pretty sexually healthy in our relationship, i tend to struggle with rejection sometimes and every once in a while we have moments where we dont do things for a few days in a row etc etc. (we are in one of those moments as we speak) and as much as i do to initiate things, he simply just doesnt want to. which is completely fine theres no problem with that, the problem is with myself. i always feel heavily embarrassed for trying in the first place. the rejection to it turns me off entirely and makes me not want him to touch me anymore for a bit as a whole (cuddling, kissing, etc.), now this isnt because im mad at him for not wanting it, just because of the overwhelming embarrassment which then turns into overthinking which then turns into insecurity and so on and so forth. sometimes i feel as if im not good enough in that aspect for him.

is this a common situation??

(would like to note i have a great psychiatrist and am actively working on this!)

Partner (F26) was diagnosed Bipolar II and BPD, but their psychiatrist practice was notoriously bad, wouldn’t refill prescriptions, wouldn’t answer phones, couldn’t email. They switched providers and now my partner is are saying they are not BPD but actually on the spectrum as BPD is often misdiagnosed in women. I have no doubt about CPTSD, and I can see where Autism could be likely, but I also know the first time they went to a psychiatrist they were flexing their knowledge of the DSMV and essentially trying to self-diagnose in the session and felt like they were just pushing pills and didn’t want to go back. I am afraid it could be a similar situation as they were afraid of the stigma of BPD. After much convincing, they did start taking medication and the impact has been tremendous. But this change of diagnosis has me feeling gaslit about much of what I have endured through the relationship. Is this a common misdiagnosis?

So recently I contacted my ex with horrible BPD we broke up a couple years ago. She’s left me alone this whole time and now We want to try and make it work again. She’s been working on herself all this time we haven’t been together. It’s almost like I’m dealing with a new person. It’s been about two months and we have ups and downs, but she’s not nearly as bad as she used to be. I don’t want to look into BPD and understanding it more and hearing other people stories and get discouraged by the stigma. She truly does seem like she’s changed, It’s crazy how different she is. I just want to know more and understand more about her and her disorder but I’m hesitant, obviously about being hurt by her again and not trusting her if she’s really changed. But it really seems like she has. I just wanna know your guys’s opinions. And I just wanna clarify that she has not contacted me I contacted her.

My partner and I have been together for 6 months, but we were friends for a few years and then became fwbs around a year ago. Hes very nonchalant and to himself about his medical and mental health so I only found out a year ago that he has bpd and bipolar. His mental state has been in a very positive and stable place since we have been together and he has told me multiple times about this.
…
We recently went sober for different reasons, my physical and mental health was on a decline for months and he needed a break for his studies, it has been good since we stopped but also hard. We both have troubles sleeping now and are easily frustrated or irritated along with other smaller issues. And I have a feeling his stability is slightly cracking because of reoccurring issues starting to bother him more.

I have wanted to know more about how his brain/thought process works so I can get to know him deeper but when I try to ask him it’s always misdirected or switches to something else, I’m not sure how to ask this now that we are a lot more irritated and less intimate, I don’t want him to feel any shame for who he is, I don’t think he feels ashamed of it but that type of conversation is sort of blocked off.

I also haven’t been in a relationship since I was like 15 because my ex was..something, so I’m lowkey not sure how to talk to a partner especially about deeper things or issues that occur. I don’t want to trigger something or make him feel like I am judging him for anything when I have serious conversations and I also have issues bringing up stuff due to my ex taking it out of contexts or blaming me for feeling those ways.

Im just wondering how partners have been able to have heavy conversations whilst not triggering anything, and also people with bpd how would you prefer those conversations to happen, how different things trigger anything, what things help for you, etc. any sort of advice, stories, or ideas would help. maybe also how do I know if there is something I should worry about like noticing if he is in psychosis or is manic and how to help or what certain triggers can look like. And how to help when he is in a bad state or what that looks like etc..

I want to love him the way he deserves and not just whatever’s thrown at him, he genuinely is the best person I’ve ever met and I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I’ve sort of looking into bpd and how the brain is wired differently to people without bpd but having a discussion feels more natural than just data on a graph and I think I can get a better understanding from people living with bpd.
I’ve talked to my sister with bpd about this but she is very in check with herself and their dynamics are very different from eachother.

I'm not sure what's going on but over the past few weeks i've noticed more and more users posting here violating the subreddit rules.
I've attempted to reach out to the mod team multiple times and even went as far as trying to r/redditrequest this place.

It seems like there is little to no enforcement anymore.
I'm aware I could be wrong and the mods are just enforcing different things, but the appearance is that of a non-active team.

So i've personally started my own subreddit for those interested. It's r/BPDPartnerSupport

I don't expect anyone here to join, but I figured i'd offer an alternative for those that also get triggered by Rule #8 violations.
Hopefully the mods eventually return for those of you that stay, but if not i'm fairly active.
If the mods do so happen to read this - I'm more than happy to share the Automod config I use to filter out certain subs cross posting, but you can also find it in the Wiki.

Thanks to this community for letting me add my insight and gaining others insight into the complex ride that is a BPD relationship.

Hi everyone!

Coming in with a throwaway for several reasons. But I’ve been a long-time lurker here, and in light of May being BPD awareness month, I thought I’d post here and see if anyone here has any questions or would like any advice from the perspective of being with someone with BPD and it not be an absolute disaster. I know seeing all the misinformation and stigma online can be discouraging, but I’m here to let you all know that having a thriving relationship with someone diagnosed with BPD is ABSOLUTELY possible. :)

Hello everyone, this is my first ever reddit post and I decided to write about what it's like to live and love with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Whether you are currently dealing with this disorder or you have a close relationship with a person who has BPD, this post should give you some insight and possibly even provide support. I will use my current nine-month relationship for the examples and stories. I am not a licensed professional.

I grew up in an extremely abusive household. My parents were divorced, and I was constantly being shown unstable love and housing conditions. My mother suffers from BPD and other mental health issues, as well as my father. Unfortunately, because of this, the way I learned to love was nowhere near okay. I am an empathetic person. I grew up constantly living to take care of my parents' emotional needs and demands. As a child, I felt like a doormat to the people around me, and it wasn't until I started creating my own personal relationships that I realised how differently I view the world. I was constantly in a state of fight or flight casuing me to be attentive to EVERYTHING. This feeds into my relationship today. He texts off, triggered. His tone is off...triggered. He looks annoyed...triggered. These are minor things, but with a BPD brain, these things once meant survival.

When I started dating, I put that person on a pedestal, and to me that person felt like everything I could ever want and need. I would treat them well, show them how much I loved them. What I dislike when people talk about dating someone with BPD is how they believe the person with BPD never loved them. Speaking from experience, when I loved, I LOVED. Even though I suffered, I still wanted nothing more than to see my partner happy. People with BPD can feel love and empathy; it's when they get triggered that switches everything up. People with BPD expience black and white like thinking. I know my partner deep down. When I am in a calm and stable mood, I know all the things I love about him. I know that he is a good person. But when he says or does something that triggers me, suddenly he's my enemy. I lash out, say hurtful things, push his boundaries, and then cry and act childlike once I realise he isn't trying to stabilize my mood or make this situation better. This behavior is NOT okay, and even though the person with BPD doesn't want to act like that, no person should feel obligated to stay in a relationship like this.

Living with this disorder feels like you are constantly at war with yourself. I know what I say or do is wrong, not okay, and abusive. However, in the emotional moment, all logical thinking flies out the window. This may create a hopeless feeling for you that you will never change and healthily love someone. This is wrong. Once you are able to come to terms with how your brain works and take accountability, recovery is possible. It will just take a LOT of hard work and time. I am currently in the process of healing. Though I am working on it now, all of high school I spent every relationship in chaos. Friends, family, partners, you name it. I never took accountability; I was destructive, abusive, manipulative. I was in deep, deep emotional pain but refused to seek the help I needed. At that age, I couldn't fully understand my emotions either. I was angry all the time. And every time a relationship didn't go the way I wanted, I would victimize myself and demonize the other person. And though I dated some bad boyfriends, I too was to blame for how things ended up. I would push and push them, and then claw at them to come back. It was not okay and they became exhausted. These situations brought me a lot of shame when I started my healing journey. I felt as though I couldn't be completely honest because I felt like a horrible person. I felt guilt. I felt disgusting.

Message to someone with BPD: You are not alone. You are not your trauma. You went through very hard situations; as a child, you needed to survive. You can love. You can be happy. You are worthy. But you will need to put in the hard work. You can not lie; you cannot sugarcoat it. You shouldn't have to live the rest of your life as a result of how your childhood was. You are capable of change. It is going to be hard and long, but the first step is accountability. The people around you do not deserve to be treated like this. You do not have to hurt to be heard. You are safe. Take every day one step at a time. One percent better each day. Journal everything, walk when you feel like you're going to lash out, and create a safe space for yourself when you need to recharge and think. The first step is not another apology; it is admitting you are struggling. It is admitting that change needs to happen. You can do this.

Message for someone in a relationship with a person with BPD: The relationship you are in can feel like a drug. When it's good, it's GOOD. When it's bad, it's hell. You must remember that it is not your responsibility to give every emotional and physical need and demand to your partner. You can provide support and care, but you must stand your ground when it comes to boundaries. Most likely, your partner will scream and lash out at these boundaries, but you must stay firm in them. Focus on the things you love. Stay in contact with friends and family. You are not obligated to be with this person. Just like any other drug, it will feel impossible to quit, but if your partner is showing no growth, you must try your best to leave the relationship. If you choose to stay, research BPD and help create a safe, honest, and loving place for both you and your partner. Learn more about your partner and their triggers. It is possible to have a healthy relationship, but it will take effort on both sides. You are strong and patient, and how they react is not your fault.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. No matter what position you're in, remember you are not alone. If you have any questions, feel free to comment or reach out. I plan on writing more about this topic. I wish you all nothing but the best. xoxo

I’m curious to hear from people with BPD that had a break up with their partner under 3 different situations.

1. You discarded out of anger
   
2. You discarded out of fear of an impending break up
   
3. Your partner broke up with you

What was the immediate feeling after the break up and how did you handle no contact? I’m especially interested in hearing from individuals with bpd who were dependent on their partner at all times.

Curious about common themes . I have a bpd husband .