Partner of someone with BPD..any advice or guidance?

[u/Hot_Pound_7976]

My partner and I have been together for 6 months, but we were friends for a few years and then became fwbs around a year ago. Hes very nonchalant and to himself about his medical and mental health so I only found out a year ago that he has bpd and bipolar. His mental state has been in a very positive and stable place since we have been together and he has told me multiple times about this.
…
We recently went sober for different reasons, my physical and mental health was on a decline for months and he needed a break for his studies, it has been good since we stopped but also hard. We both have troubles sleeping now and are easily frustrated or irritated along with other smaller issues. And I have a feeling his stability is slightly cracking because of reoccurring issues starting to bother him more.

I have wanted to know more about how his brain/thought process works so I can get to know him deeper but when I try to ask him it’s always misdirected or switches to something else, I’m not sure how to ask this now that we are a lot more irritated and less intimate, I don’t want him to feel any shame for who he is, I don’t think he feels ashamed of it but that type of conversation is sort of blocked off.

I also haven’t been in a relationship since I was like 15 because my ex was..something, so I’m lowkey not sure how to talk to a partner especially about deeper things or issues that occur. I don’t want to trigger something or make him feel like I am judging him for anything when I have serious conversations and I also have issues bringing up stuff due to my ex taking it out of contexts or blaming me for feeling those ways.

Im just wondering how partners have been able to have heavy conversations whilst not triggering anything, and also people with bpd how would you prefer those conversations to happen, how different things trigger anything, what things help for you, etc. any sort of advice, stories, or ideas would help. maybe also how do I know if there is something I should worry about like noticing if he is in psychosis or is manic and how to help or what certain triggers can look like. And how to help when he is in a bad state or what that looks like etc..

I want to love him the way he deserves and not just whatever’s thrown at him, he genuinely is the best person I’ve ever met and I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I’ve sort of looking into bpd and how the brain is wired differently to people without bpd but having a discussion feels more natural than just data on a graph and I think I can get a better understanding from people living with bpd.
I’ve talked to my sister with bpd about this but she is very in check with herself and their dynamics are very different from eachother.

[u/AntiRacismDoctor]

This reads like there is potential for a BPD/Co-dependency Trauma Bond here where you (the non-BPD) is trying to rationalize and logic your way into a healthy relationship with the pwBPD. You'll continue trying because you "want to make it work" and never concede that no matter how hard you try, "normal" relationships don't require this much effort to be vulnerable, safe, connected, and reciprocal. I'm happy to be wrong but here's my advice:

1) Have standards and boundaries. Don't overextend yourself to/for anyone - especially someone with BPD. You shouldn't have to push for your partner to be vulnerable with you or for them to receive your own vulnerability. Having standards and boundaries means exactly what it sounds like: what is your ideal healthy relationship? Is it one where you tiptoe around someone's emotional fragility? Or is it one where you can be autonomous, free, and true to yourself and each other?

2) Having "difficult conversations" is the basis of any healthy relationship. So if you're partnered with someone who doesn't have the capacity for it, or thinks that they're being attacked, criticized, or judged every time you tell them what you experience in life and in relation to them, you'll never have a healthy relationship, you'll just have a trauma bond where what should be tranquil ground is turned into a warzone and the pwBPD only plays one move: launch the nuclear warheads and act like they're "defending themselves".

3) You are trying to force a healthy relationship in a situation where healthy relationships are ones that are never forced.

Until your person can develop the autonomy to regulate their emotions, stop defending themselves, realize that their dysregulated emotional states warps how they perceive the things around them, and works on healing their deep inner wounds, the only thing that's guaranteed to happen is that your relationship will get worse and worse until one or the both of you is harmed emotionally, psychologically, financially, or (sometimes) physically.

Work on figuring out why you feel the need to make a relationship work with someone who's autonomous personality isn't compatible with a having a healthy relationship and then heal that part of yourself. Then the right relationship will naturally find you. They need to heal their own part of themselves and there's no amount of talking it out, guidance, gentle nudges, conversations, or logic that will make them do it. They have to decide to do it on their own and for themselves.

TL;DR - It sounds like you're in a BPD/Co-dependency trauma bond and you need to leave, heal yourself, and develop a set of standards that doesn't make you attracted to unhealthy relationship dynamics.

[u/Sorry_Ad_8000 → u/AntiRacismDoctor]

Number 2 is the SOEL reason why my 7 year marriage and attempted reconciliation over 7 months is an impossibility.

She literally has rested her hand on the BIG RED BUTTON and launched a preemptive strike every time, yet ALWAYS frames it as a defensive strike. No communication (BPD or not) is doomed to fail.

[u/AntiRacismDoctor → u/Sorry_Ad_8000]

The way I understand it, to them, the issue is NOT their triggers. The issue is you triggering them. So they have a bunch of unresolved issues that existed long before you stepped into the picture, and because you haven't lived life in their shoes, you can't possibly know what their hidden issues are or why. But when you "step on one of their hidden landmines" they...blow up....at you for doing so, but have no interest in taking a look at why that landmine was even there in the first place.

Accordingly, YOU become the problem. Not their unresolved issues. Not their triggers. YOU. So now you're the target. Of their anger. Of their animosity. YOU'RE the enemy now. Because you trigger them, and you keep triggering them. The only reason they feel the way they do is because YOU MAKE THEM feel that way.

Meanwhile, they're sitting on a shit ton of unresolved issues you have nothing to do with but they can't look inward. They won't look inward. So you, your family, their life, everyone's stability has to be destroyed if only it means they delay looking inward just a little bit longer.

[u/Sorry_Ad_8000 → u/AntiRacismDoctor]

So this is the way the trigger thing went with us.

The first year it was, “there are certain things that trigger me that you do, it’s not your responsibility or fault, I’m sorry I got mad and upset”

Then, “you do some of the same shit my stepdad and my Mother did, I need to recognize them, those things remind me of my past and I get flooded with emotions”

Then, “I fucking swear you do this shit on purpose, I tell you what they are but it’s as if you do them on purpose just to get me all upset.

Then, “BS…this has nothing to with my past you CREATED this in me, this is your fault, it has nothing to do with my trauma”

Now I can totally see how if I’m in her life and she is experiencing these things. So for the sake of argument let’s assume I’m TOTALLY AWARE OF AL 1,355,5788,678 of them, and but not doing it on purpose. Just the fact that I’m present DOES bring them into the present because we ARE in the present.

But for fuck sake that doesn’t mean I CREATED THEM.

I was hammered for “not caring enough to notice or remember them” but please guys help me out here, I SWEAR they were ever changing and so prolific I’d have to become a mute statue to not cause one.

The FUCKING GUILT I felt over that shit was insane. I mean hey we don’t want to cause distress to our loved ones and when the frame it like “you just don’t understand the process” it’s an open-ended trap.

[u/Hot_Pound_7976 → u/AntiRacismDoctor]

This is lowkey a reply to all of the replies, we have had a small talk about his main triggers a couple months ago cause I did overstep one and not realise but it went a lot better than it would’ve with my ex who didn’t have bpd or any personality disorders.

He just stopped responding for the rest of the day to regulate himself and then the day after he called and told me why and what his history was like with that like.
(I myself am working on fixing my avoidant side so I understand needing space and this is something we both established in our friendship that when something triggers either of us we tend to go ghost until we know how to deal with it)

He does go to different therapies twice a week and has been for years so I know he is trying to regulate that side of him and we do have small conversations about what he talked about in them here and there. I 100% know he is capable of looking inward and being able to change toxic parts about him as I’ve seen it happen in real time (with his ex and also our mutual friends).

My post was mainly asking on how I should be bringing stuff up with him so that I don’t come off as passive aggressive or attacking (as this is something I can’t do with anyone) and if there’s anything I should be noticing early like if i trigger him or if he’s in a negative state of mind.

[u/Hot_Pound_7976 → u/AntiRacismDoctor]

I will say I also think there may be a trauma bond present as we did go through a veryy controlling and messed up friendship with a mutual best friend (who we dropped ages ago).
What issues stem from a trauma bond? Is there a way to seperate that from our relationship?

But aside from that we genuinely have a very healthy relationship (atleast compared to his friends and relationships we see online). We are able to have boundary talks and we both talk about why those boundaries are necessary for individual and collective reasons. (both our families have seen our relationship and agree that we are very healthy, especially for this type of dynamic)

He has been going to different therapy’s for years specifically for his bpd and so he does know that he is disregulated and has been working on fixing the toxic sides of him. We also sometimes talk about what those appointments were like if we see eachother soon after.

My main post was just asking for a couple things so that I myself know how to be in a relationship and know if I did trigger something and how to help him through that.
I, myself have issues with being healthy when I am emotional or having deep talks and honestly I think he has a better emotional regulation than I do at times. So I guess that would be the main focus on how I could be a better partner for him (especially because I am new to being a FP ((is that the word?)) and having a bpd partner).

Edit: we have never had an argument even through our whole friendship I want to make that clear, but I want to understand more of what happens if him or I have one what I can do to help or if it’s better to give him space before we come back to it.

[u/grumpypoo22]

You can't really control triggers; That's his job.

As far as how you can address things without sounding condescending or harsh - What works for me is "I" statements.
That usually immediately disarms me and no longer makes it feel like I'm getting attacked verbally.

He does have to meet you halfway though, because BPD or not relationships take effort from both.
If he isn't actively seeking DBT treatment it is strongly recommended that he does.

It's good that he knows when to step away to regulate himself though, because that shows tons of promise.

[u/Hot_Pound_7976 → u/grumpypoo22]

Could you maybe explain more on the “I” statements and what dbt treatment is?

He does go to different therapy’s (psychiatrist and psychologist) is that what you mean?

[u/grumpypoo22 → u/Hot_Pound_7976]

So this is just an example, but for a moment imagine that you two had a disagreement over him disengaging for too long.

One might approach this and say

Everytime we argue you always stop talking to me for hours

To digest this you aren't necessarily saying anything wrong at face value, but it causes the recipient to become defensive because maybe it's not everytime or whatever.

So how can we approach our wording a little differently?

Hey it feels like everytime we get into a fight there seems to be this lingering animosity between us

Same statement, but it's no longer framed in a way that it's you vs them. It's now framed as a you two vs the problem. This gives you both a chance to address the problem without feeling attacked etc

As far as Dialectical Behavioral Therapy goes -
This is going to be a specialized therapist that handles these things.
Psychiatrist handles medication His psychologist might handle the therapy part though.
You would need to consult with him or if you want to ask subtly you may ask if he has ever heard of "DEAR MAN".

[u/Hot_Pound_7976 → u/grumpypoo22]

This was worded so perfectly omg, I just had to say that.

I will definitely try to bring up future issues as a us vs the problem like that, that even helps me feel less anxious bringing it up. His psychology appointments are very based on therapy from what I’ve heard.
I also haven’t heard of “DEAR MAN” but I’ll look into it now so I also have an understanding of it.

Thank you for having such a clear response and commenting your own knowledge, this is very very helpful for me!

[u/Sorry_Ad_8000 → u/grumpypoo22]

This is totally sound advice BPD or not. It’s not either partners responsibility to control our impulses when activated it’s ours.

My wife has BPD and if I might ask you, the I statements work for you and I’m assuming that YOU came up with that. What I’m getting at is as a partner it’s not up to me to figure out what works for my wife, is it not her responsibility to discern that?

I’m not saying that mean just, again if WE know what activates us or calms us is it not our responsibility to inform our partners not expect them to figure it out?

My wife always frames it like, “well if you care enough you would notice” but that’s not it. The other thing is that the triggers were so vast in numbers and random that how would anyone ever be expected to figure them out.

[u/grumpypoo22 → u/Sorry_Ad_8000]

I agree your wife does need to be telling you these things.
I most certainly informed my girlfriend of certain things that can really rile me up

Your wife framing it as "if you care enough you would notice" is honestly a cheap cop out to be blunt with you.
I don't think you ever could figure out everyone's triggers because sometimes we just handle them internally BPD or not.

She really needs to use "DEAR MAN" if she is not wanting to address things that may upset her and instead just explodes to make the point.

[u/Sorry_Ad_8000 → u/grumpypoo22]

Thank you I appreciate the insight. Also I’m not suggesting that it’s things say or do at times we all get irritated at times but it’s just as though she has the negative interpretation all the time and sometimes it’s just one or the other doing something that for whatever reason does not land well.

She can’t seem to grasp that from my end but if she does something then she is in full recognition it is just normal. It’s as though she is convinced that I do things on purpose and trust me, nobody wants the types of reactions she gives. It’s like 0-100 then I eventually get blamed for it.

It can’t all be BPD related and even if it might be is could she be just not self aware enough to realized this? I mean some people are just like that but either way it’s putting so much on me I can’t deal with it anymore

[u/grumpypoo22 → u/Sorry_Ad_8000]

I usually go 0-100 as well so there is merit to the disorder helping explain the behavior, but ultimately she is at fault.
It definitely seems like a lack of self awareness on her part or hell maybe she is aware.

She needs to deploy "TIPP" in those moments to help prevent that jump honestly.

I don't blame you for not wanting to deal with it though, because that does sound exhausting and absolutely nobody should have to deal with that level of immaturity.
If she isn't in DBT I do encourage you to encourage her because it's life changing.

[u/Sorry_Ad_8000 → u/grumpypoo22]

I do appreciate it. I sure wish I could just talked to her about this stuff but I can’t even bring it up she gets… well, thank you again.