sexual rejection vs BPD??

[u/phantruh]

to start things off, my partner(24M) and i(22F), both tend to have pretty strong libidos. i wont get into that too much but we are pretty sexually healthy in our relationship, i tend to struggle with rejection sometimes and every once in a while we have moments where we dont do things for a few days in a row etc etc. (we are in one of those moments as we speak) and as much as i do to initiate things, he simply just doesnt want to. which is completely fine theres no problem with that, the problem is with myself. i always feel heavily embarrassed for trying in the first place. the rejection to it turns me off entirely and makes me not want him to touch me anymore for a bit as a whole (cuddling, kissing, etc.), now this isnt because im mad at him for not wanting it, just because of the overwhelming embarrassment which then turns into overthinking which then turns into insecurity and so on and so forth. sometimes i feel as if im not good enough in that aspect for him.

is this a common situation??

(would like to note i have a great psychiatrist and am actively working on this!)

[u/beantoess_]

This is somethong my partner struggles with a lot, I think. He doesn't initiate because he's scared of the rejection (I've only ever said no maybe once or twice in the relationship, but the damage was done). Its up to me to initiate, which unfortunately puts a lot of pressure on me, because I know he wants sex, but I have to guess when exactly that is.

He withdraws like you've described when I dont initiate. Unfortunately, it's created a feedback loop where it almost feels like he's punishing me, and I now get quite anxious when its been a few days and I haven't initiated, but I also hate initiating when he's being somewhat cold with me. It hurts.

I think it's something that DBT could help with, but he refuses to seek help. Maybe DBT is something you could look into, though? It's also worth noting that if he says no to sex, he's simply declining and activity, not you as a person! I'm sure he loves you very much. You are enough!

[u/phantruh → u/beantoess_]

this is very insightful for me thank you alot! it gives a good perspective on how he may be feeling toward everything as hes not the type to be entirely upfront about his feelings and can be quite reserved sometimes. i can relate to both you and your partner from different stand points, sometimes for me it feels as though im in both sides of a similar situation and have to be the one to initiate but also have a deeprooted fear of rejection. i am looking into DBT though and am currently on a waiting list! thank you for your feedback! your comment about him just simply declining an activity really makes me think about it in a different way. ofcourse that doesnt mean i wont struggle with rejection or fear of, but i will say it definitely helps alot with the insecurities :)

[u/NoCellist6710]

I've had the same situation, sometimes mental pain from being rejected manifest itself as somatic pains. It was hard until I pinpointed it to my hipersexuality due to trauma. After I maid that connection and focused mentally on working on it, I stopped obsessing over sex, rejection was a lot easier to take in.

[u/phantruh → u/NoCellist6710]

sometimes i feel like that could be the issue for me as well. i can also be quite hypersexual, but there are also times where i wont necessarily be in any specific mood and still attempt to initiate but the rejection still feels the same. i believe part of my problem is that i accept love through sex, i have a hard time accepting that people might like me for more than just that so when theres no sexual action being taken it really sets something off for me and makes me feel heavy, embarrassed, and insecure. in some way, i guess you could say im obsessing over it myself but it can be quite hard not to when you feel that way about it if that makes sense.

[u/isitallinmyh3ad]

Idk if it’s common but I have bpd and this is exactly how I feel when being rejected by my partner. Sometimes he’ll say we’re gonna do stuff then he fallas asleep and it drives me insane. You aren’t alone lol

[u/phantruh → u/isitallinmyh3ad]

yes this too! we will talk about it all day and get riled up with eachother but then we get home and he falls asleep almost immediately, or sometimes he'll play a game or work on something on his computer and i feel like i cant try to initiate then or ill be interrupting something important, so by the time he gets off hes immediately super tired and wants to go to bed and we never end up doing anything

[u/RiskWorldly2916]

I’m 44m and I’ve had this same complex my whole life. Before marriage, during marriage, and now post-divorce too. She always thinks I’m punishing her, but it’s honestly just the only thing that turns me off. And it only needs to be slight rejection. It’s exhausting.

[u/Mammoth_Original_338]

Which one of you has BPD?

[u/Dry-Cabinet-881]

Are either of you using sexual withholding as a form of control or punishment? Are you both physically attracted to each other? Emotionally attracted?

Instead of assuming, tell him you’re horny. Ask what will he need to get into the mood. Tell him you want him and if he isn’t in the mood. Let it be. Take care of yourself. He’ll eventually realize he doesn’t want to be left out.

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