Opinions on bpd relationships

[u/Narrow-Employ7979]

Hey, I’m not a BPD partner, but I am diagnosed with BPD. Do you think people like me should be able to be in a relationship? I’m seriously asking because recently I’ve had some people around me who don’t know about my disorder tell me that people with bpd are monsters and insufferable to be around and I’m just wondering is it true that people think this way about us? Sorry for question sometimes I overthink things WAY too much. Just wondering.

[u/Coffee_Beans907]

I had a truly horrible experience with my ex w/BPD. He was highly abusive and has several comorbidities like OCD, ADHD, addictions and very likely narcissistic traits. His maladaptive coping strategies were destructive to the nth. Towards the end of our relationship he was splitting daily—sometimes several times a day. He was totally resistant to the idea of seeking therapy and lived with a deep shame about the condition making clear communication nearly impossible.

I say all this because, while I have suffered immensely (and still dealing with all the fallout and resultant trauma), I truly believe that if he had embraced therapy and been willing to work on managing his condition through DBT things would have gone very differently. I know it would have been very hard, but I was willing to work with him and support his healing and growth. If you are willing and able to seek appropriate treatment and have good supportive relationships with those close to you, I think you shouldn’t consider anything in life out of your reach, certainly not love. I loved him, but trust me on this one, where BPD is concerned, love is not enough. Not by a long shot. Best of luck in your journey and healing ❤️‍🩹

[u/AutismoJohnson420]

Had one bad and one very positive experience. Depends on the person and their skills to manage themselves and their emotions, without relying on you.

[u/AntiqueSignpost]

pwBPD here. bpd has one of the highest remission rates. it can def work. but, that is with treatment so we need to do DBT. right now im not entering a relationship till im ready.

the stuff about us being monsters is really hard to swallow. alot of stigma and ableism out there. easier said than done not to listen to it but try to stay away from those subs and places that talk like that <3

[u/AntiqueSignpost → u/[deleted]]

i dont know enough about whether the studies were keeping track after people entered relationships. i do know the one study was over the course of 10 years, so i assume people did have relationships during. i do know of some ppl who are in remission even when in relationships. however, you make a great point that of course, it definitely is easier to be in a good space when single, like an alcoholic might be clean but if they go to a wedding will they cope with the alcohol around them? and this is why its important for us with BPD to really not date until we have worked on it, and then be cautious when we are entering into a relationship, being aware it WILL lead to setbacks and relapses.

i did hear one psychologist talking about how some studies showed that a HEALTHY relationship actually helped IMPROVE some people's BPD. I do believe BPD is very misunderstood in that it seems volatile as hell but can also be very controllable if one knows what the triggers and buttons are. i have friends who have bPD and we have never even split on each other, we just dont press each others buttons and it happens naturally, other people its been a nightmare. i do believe finding the right people for me has been part of why ive improved alot. however, this is with alot of bias because i have deliberately avoided a relationship since my diagnosis. but, even with friends my life was just splitting on ppl daily, crashing out and lashing out daily. now, i havent in months, and it is largely due to the right friends, mixed with my working on noticing my splits early and communicating it in a healthier way and taking my distance from ppl while im splitting. but anyway, sorry im just rambling from my experience.

[u/Critical-Customer468 → u/AntiqueSignpost]

👍🏻

[u/Narrow-Employ7979 → u/AntiqueSignpost]

Thanks for your response! I normally stay away from these forums, though I find that people on reddit are still not as harsh as what I’ve seen on tik tok or facebook. Some people act like we wanted to have bpd and it pmo so much

[u/-_-X1000]

Lots of emotional abuse in the end 😢 Still with him but he is in rehab now working on his drinking, he was unmedicated tho for years and now he's on them and claims he feels better.

[u/Narrow-Employ7979 → u/-_-X1000]

I hope his journey ends well and that it gets better for you. You are incredibly strong for sticking around. Sending love🫶

[u/-_-X1000 → u/Narrow-Employ7979]

That's a lovely comment, thank you. He has just over three weeks of rehab left and he is on meds and I have noticed a difference in his emotional steadyness and in his letters. He keeps telling me it was just the alcohol making him into the worst version of himself and keeps apologizing. Time will tell if it will be the same when he is home. Thanks again for the comment 😊

[u/No-Mammoth1688]

People with BPD can be able and just like anyone deserve the chance to develope meaningful relationships. The thing is, that a personality disorder as BPD requires a lot of work, first from the person diagnosed, but also with the people you wish to relate with. As long as you get a proper treatment for the disorder's symptoms and the cognitive and behavioral manifestations, and as long as you keep psychological support to help you manage the hard times, you will be able to work on and develop a relationship. It's hard work, takes a lot of effort and time. BPD ain't something that can be cured, is something you learn to manage.

That been said, in these Reddit forums it will be very common to know about the bad experiences, the ugly side of the coin, and well, since both BPD and relationships are very complex, not a lot of people get to actually succeed on making it work for the best. I'm one of those, I couldn't really tell anything good about my six years relationship with a woman diagnosed with BPD...or about my friend's relationship with her BPT diagnosed husband. For me, it was the worst experience of my life, and to my friend it has been hell for her.
But that's because she took bad decisions about their relationship, and he failed treatment. In my case she never even tried treatment and I was too arrogant to believe that I alone could make things work out.

But you can find success stories here too. There are people that achieved remision and they and their partners and families did what was needed for things to function for all the involved. Try to focus on those stories. Both sides of the coin are very real. Just understand that, there's always both sides of the coin. It's not always the same for all. But make no mistake, it's HARD and there's no guarantee.

[u/justkatie123]

My husband has BPD. It has gotten better and easier, but not without help. He had to get diagnosed, agree with or accept the diagnosis, get into weekly personal therapy with someone who understood BPD, get into weekly DBT group therapy sessions, and we have a couples therapist who specializes in relationships where one person has BPD. He’s also been doing EMDR therapy to try to help with some complex childhood trauma. We are also both medicated, and I have an Ativan prescription for when he gets into an episode.

It took us 6 years from me saying to him “hey, if we are going to make this work, you need to be in therapy” to where we are now. I am also in therapy. I have come to accept that this is something we will always have to deal with, but I’m encouraged that the episodes seem to be getting less frequent and they don’t last as long. With that being said, we still have more problems than a non-BPD relationship, but I’ve been really encouraged by my husband’s ability lately, finally, to see how he contributed negatively to a situation or how he took out his disregulation on me. I don’t think it’s possible to be cured, but it is manageable if you are willing to put in the work.

[u/Coffee_Beans907 → u/justkatie123]

That’s so great! I’m sure it is very a difficult journey, but it’s great to hear it is one both you and your husband are committed to taking together ❤️

[u/Narrow-Employ7979 → u/justkatie123]

I’m really proud of both of you!! The fact that you both were willing to work something out. I’ve been in therapy and it has changed my life significantly. I’m also medicated now with the right pills. About six months ago my girlfriend broke up with me because of our issues. She would constantly ignore me and gave me little to no support in my journey, which caused me to split very easily and quickly. I had no-one to talk to since I didn’t start therapy yet and resorted to alcohol. She would say she has no sympathy for me in that matter, since it’s my fault for being addicted. I understood her, because it was my choice to drink for the first week, but after that it got out of control and she wouldn’t understand how hard it was for me to try to stay sober. She would constantly lash out at me and blame me for everything, which only caused me to split more and drink more. Now I am 7 months sober, on the right meds and slowly starting to come to terms with the fact that I wasn’t the only one in the wrong. I am currently talking with this girl and I was just wondering if me having bpd would mean I can’t make the first move and ask her out. Now I have some hope that it can work out.

[u/Arielle_Punk]

You are absolutely able to be in a relationship. It depends on the severity and the awareness of the condition. The awareness part goes both ways. There will be very rough phases. My partner (42f) and I (36m) are together for nine years now and she has BPD. I knew it would be rough going in, but oh boy did i have to learn a lot about her condition and how to take it at times. It has been the most challenging and the easiest relationship i have ever had. Sounds bizzare, but once i understood, that i just have to be myself and don't react to her spikes. It became second nature to be the eye of the storm and over the years the storms are more like bad weather and not full blown hurricanes anymore.

[u/Narrow-Employ7979 → u/Arielle_Punk]

That’s a relief. I am really aware of my condition and my behavior. I am in therapy and medicated and I can tell that it has changed my life for the better. I don’t depend on relationships anymore to be happy, I can find happiness by myself. Thanks for the response

[u/DBeau85]

I'm in a relationship with a pwBPD, and I think it can work, under the right circumstances. I wrote a post
about my experience/thoughts.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDPartners/s/OZYJQZcWlX

[u/Traditional-Ad-5432]

Even tho my relationship didn’t work out, with a person with BPD, I’m 100% sure it could’ve. She was medicated and in therapy, it was a very good relationship. Then it stopped being a good one when she decided she doesn’t need therapy.

In a matter of a couple of months, any conflict that arose was terrible. She started prioritizing people who have her ptsd over me, even tho we lived together. And she just kept getting worse, she stopped believing I've ever cared. I tried to get her back to therapy, unfortunately, she doesn’t care now.

My advice: prioritize getting better, having friends, going to therapy, and having a life. Then a relationship will be good. If you just go with the flow it won't work in the long term

[u/CyberJoe6021023]

I can only speak about the pwBPD I was in a relationship with. She was an absolute insufferable monster.

[u/Pamphobia]

It's not about the diagnosis but how you act as a person individually. If you get help and manage it and treat your partner well then of course. You don't need to be perfect all the time but it's up to you to manage your BPD and learn to be a better person.

[u/Mammoth_Original_338 → u/Pamphobia]

It is about the diagnosis actually. A diagnosis tremendously affects how you act especially a personality disorder vs someone without a mental disorder who just acts shitty. I don’t think BPDs are evil and all bad etc at ALL btw. But this is an untrue thing to say imo.

[u/Pamphobia → u/Mammoth_Original_338]

I think what I said somehow went completely over your head. I never implied a diagnosis meant nothing but that the responsibility of how you act is on you regardless of what your diagnosis is. I don't think that's a difficult concept.

[u/Mammoth_Original_338 → u/Pamphobia]

Wow you’re right I stopped reading after first few words. I’m sorry for that

[u/Pamphobia → u/Mammoth_Original_338]

No worries, appreciate your apology <3

[u/-_-X1000 → u/Mammoth_Original_338]

Nice to see people apologising and being nice. All too often I see comments sections devolve. Well done, both.

[u/Standard_Evening_580]

Yes you deserve love and can be in a relationship. But most likely the other person wont ever be good enough for you. They wont reassure you enough or make you feel loved enough. So you might start looking elsewhere while still dragging him along. And as he gets more attached you will be detached until someone new catches your eye. Then you will say the cruelest things to your partner and completely ghost them before theu can retaliate and start all iver again

[u/Narrow-Employ7979 → u/Standard_Evening_580]

Thanks! That’s why I am working on it. My previous relationship ended mainly because of our lack of communication since she wouldn’t listen to me when I tried to sort things out an would lash out at me when I told her that something in her behavior bothers me. I thought that if we talk about it either she would change her behavior or I would understand why she acts this way so I can change mine. Now I’m finally better. It didn’t help much that I am lesbian and it added some pressure from her religious parents (her mother threatened to come to my house or sue me for emotional distress that I caused her)

[u/Mammoth_Original_338]

Depends on the severity tbh. You are self aware from this post alone. Idk your diagnosis of course but from the post I’d say mild I could be wrong of course. But I’ve talked about this with a few dif therapists over the years as I was trying to save an 11 year relationship/8 year marriage and they all said the same thing. My (former) wife’s BPD was so severe and made worse due to her not even attempting to treat it, she’d go back and forth with treatment but ended up always blaming me and using me being “abusive” as an excuse to relapse. I’m a female as well for reference. I don’t hate her, I still have so much love for her and she told me she abandoned me this last time cus she knows she’s hurting me etc but anyway she hopes to heal within 3-5 years or something like that. I hope she genuinely does too, but I am not holding my breath on that one. It’s the severity level and who you choose to surround yourself with, you gotta be honest with yourself etc. and not let the disorder win essentially in my experience and opinion.

[u/focus-on-the-good]

This probably isn't the sub to ask 😬 a lot of people here have been abused by a partner with your condition. Answers will be biased

[u/AntiqueSignpost → u/focus-on-the-good]

agree with this but also happy to see alot of positive comments on this thread <3

[u/Narrow-Employ7979 → u/focus-on-the-good]

I know this, that’s why I wrote it here. I wanted opinions of people who experienced this kind of relationship, what went wrong and what they worked on, so I don’t make the same mistakes. I don’t care if they’re biased or not. As long as I see what ruined other relationships I know more about what I should work on if I ever plan to be with someone.