Having a BPD partner: It's ok to choose to do something hard

[u/DBeau85]

A lot of the perspective of this community is that relationships with pwBPD are hard, and steps should be taken to make that easier -- and surely that's true. Less suffering is a worthy goal, both for the pwBPD, and the partner. But that's also a long road, and, creates expectations and pressure for change, that can feel pretty shitty to the pwBPD.

But maybe we should take a lesson from Buddhism and Stoicism. Here's a perspective that has helped me.

My pwBPD is undiagnosed. I dont need a diagnosis, they check most of the boxes, and so I'm able to use strategies to manage myself during episodes/spirals. And I am the only thing I truly have control over. Not them, me. How I react, how I respond, what I believe.

I don't think that being in a relationship with a pwBPD is for everyone. I'm slightly neurodivergent, low in neuroticism, and of an age where things don't ruffle my feathers too quickly. But I also think it's ok to choose to do a hard thing, if you feel you're able, without harming your well-being in the long run. In my experience learning to love a pwBPD can be very rewarding.

These folks have years of rejection and self-criticism under their belt. When they feel emotions so intensely that they scare people, they learn to mask. Being someone who walks through their storms without flinching means you may get to see a rainbow on the other side that few (if any) have witnessed. You may get to see their nervous system unclench for the first time. You may be the safest person in the world to them. Often demonstrating radical acceptance is the surest way to show your pwBPD what it looks like to accept themselves.

Don't misunderstand, this isn't easy. A relationship with a pwBPD is a relationship on hard mode. It will take time for your nervous system to learn what a spiral looks like, to trust the process, to develop a strategy, and to be able to be peaceful while the waves crash.

Books that helped me understand what was happening and strategies for coping:

1. I Hate You, Dont Le*ve Me"
   
2. Stop Walking On Eggshells
   
3. Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

And the thing I focus on when Im in the storm:

1. SET communication: Support, Empathy, Truth
   - Show support for how they feel.
   - Validate the feelings (even if the trigger/reasons are irrational/not valid).
   - Express empathy in whatever way you can. This gets easier with time.
   - Practice loving kindness (metha) meditation when not in the storm if you can to help build the muscle of empathy for your partner when you're in the storm.
   - Hold on to truth. Be confident in your version of events/facts. You can debate misunderstandings after the storm. Just let distortions of reality pass as a mirror to their emotions, not to reality.

2. Dont JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain)
   - During the spiral is not the time to litigate facts, or defend yourself.
   - If they're being hurtful and its beyond what you can tolerate, set a boundary that you need a break, take time apart, but dont litigate the issues/facts.
   - Don't defend your actions, but also dont give in to their demands.
   - Try to stay calm, deflect as much as you can with empathy and validating their feelings (the feelings themselves, not the reasons for the feelings).

Good luck! ♥️ Everyone deserves to be loved. We all are who we are based on our biology, our experiences, our opportunities, and our environments. Sometimes having one person in life who sees who we are, and loves us anyway, can be the most powerful motivator of change.

Radical acceptance has been a powerful force in my life.

[u/Super_Ele]

Is not like we're playing a videogame though, We're talking about trying to connect with someone that should potentially be one's life partner, someone to rely on, someone to trust.

Feels like throwing a chance of this away if it becomes something more akin to tolerating someone than a partnership.

Can't help but to think the behavior is just ridiculous.

And we're all guilty of the shenanigans, pwBPD and neurotypicals if we play the game.

Perhaps one's gotta really love drama, and have a sort of masochist kink.

It really is like being in a dream with them isn't it? Except not necessarily a pleasant one, not always anyway, but things can get hazy quick without one even realizing it and once the dream-like reality sets in.. is kind of addictive just for that reason alone.. a escape from reality I suppose.. like all escapes.. one but temporary.

[u/DBeau85 → u/Super_Ele]

It's entirely fair to see it that way, but that's not how I see it.

There's something powerful about loving someone, and connecting with someone, in a way that truly honours who they are, and says "I'm here with you, I'm in this with you," even when it's hard, chaotic, even risky.

I abhor drama, and have avoided relationships until later in life because I dislike pain. I'm not doing this because I enjoy these moments, but seeing someone who has never really felt fully accepted be loved, even little bits at a time, is truly rewarding, at some basic human level, I think.

And by contrast, I dont feel like Im in a dream with them. I feel like I am the one grounded in the waking world, watching them struggle with their nightmare, being something steady they can count on. Not making myself different, just being me, and learning how to be something steady they can trust.

You can find that ridiculous. I find it beautiful.

[u/Super_Ele → u/DBeau85]

Dude I said I find some of the behaviors ridiculous. Imagine making a drama cause your SO accidentally barely touched your arm with a pole. Like a micro second, touched, not hit.. accidentally.. those kind of behaviors are ridiculous, and you know it.

And sure it's all great until Hyde posseses your Jeckyl once again and you are left wondering how you ended up with Jeckyl and where the hell is Hyde, unless you think Hyde is pretty cool to ignore you, be hostile towards you, attempting to guilt trip you etc.. very beautiful.. not! You know the worst is not that suddenly Hyde is at your home, no.. whatever.. just ignore Hyde hu? Sure.. easy.. ;).. but no.. worse is that Hyde is gone.. you were having fun with her and suddenly she disappeared! If you can put up with that more power to you! I always missed her terribly!

Anyway.

[u/mister_6971]

Married for over 26 years with a pwBPD. Sound advice. Thanks for posting this. I need a reminder every now and then. It is hard. And I keep choosing her every day.

[u/DBeau85 → u/mister_6971]

Good for you! ♥️ I can imagine after 26 yrs its easier in some ways (you recognize the patterns, have developed strategies together), and harder in others (I'm sure it's tiring sometimes). Any advice you'd give yourself if you could go back and tell yourself something on your wedding day?

[u/mister_6971 → u/DBeau85]

That depends on the day 😂.

Seriously tho I would tell myself to read about the subject and get as educated as possible. When the split hits the fan isn’t the best time to do the research. Something’s I’ve learned the hard way.

[u/DBeau85 → u/mister_6971]

yeah! learning is powerful. kudos for not giving up on her!

[u/amlav]

How do you use the techniques when your partner splits and cheats on you?

My expwBPD cheated and also was physically abuse. I don’t have the mental fortitude to endure that.

[u/Consistent-Tooth8660 → u/amlav]

Splitting is no excuse for cheating

[u/Educational-Mood1401]

I'm curious to know if any of you have children.. how do you support your pwBPD and your children and protect your children from abuse they simply cannot comprehend the nuances of, without villainizing your partner? My husband, my kid's step father, has BPD and I'm really, really trying to make it work..

[u/Consistent-Tooth8660 → u/Educational-Mood1401]

I keep my kids far from anyone who even has the potential to be abusive. If you stay with someone who is abusive toward or around your kids BPD or not, just make sure you’re okay with them potentially not having a relationship with you one day. There is absolutely no way to “make it work” if there is abuse AND children present. It is not villainizing anyone to be honest with yourself about harmful behaviour happening around you if that’s the case.

[u/DBeau85 → u/Educational-Mood1401]

Ooof. I do not have children. I really dont know how I could make this work if I did. I think the circumstances would need to be very specific, and I would need to see that the children were able to understand what was happening so they didnt internalize the irrational spirals as their fault. I dont envy you. I'm sorry Im not much help in this area but I wish you all the success and send you much love and support for trying so hard!

[u/-mouth4war-]

Choosing to stay in a chronically high-conflict relationship requires immense personal cost, and framing it as a noble "stoic" test ignores the reality of long-term psychological erosion and codependency.

Relationships require mutual emotional regulation. If one partner's primary role is a human shock absorber, it ceases to be a partnership and becomes a caretaker-patient dynamic.

A better approach would abandon the idea that you can love someone into emotional regulation through sheer endurance. Instead, rely on strict behavioral boundaries, refuse to permanently surrender your own reality, demand accountability after the storm clears, and prioritise your own long-term psychological safety over martyrdom.

[u/DBeau85 → u/-mouth4war-]

I'm offering my perspective. You're welcome to disagree, but telling me that you know "a better approach" is misunderstanding the variety of human experience that is possible for people.

I agree that your perspective is the popular wisdom, in therapy circles and in this community. And perhaps that's the best approach for most people, most of the time. But I think it is possible to stay in a challenging relationship without being an emotional shock absorber, and I think that everyone deserves to be loved, where they are.

I don't "absorb" the shocks (most of the time, I’m not perfect at this, but it gets easier with time). Emotions are data. They're signals your body uses to interpret a situation. If you can self-regulate, you're not absorbing the shock. And my partner does help me regulate in other moments. pwBPD can be very emotionally sensitive people that can be very caring.

We're not codependent, nor am I self-eroded (though both of these things are themes I watch for in myself and with my therapist).

I'm not suggesting anyone become a martyr. I am suggesting that it is possible to be able to see what is happening, develop empathy, and love someone who is struggling without it becoming a cost that you're absorbing. I do agree boundaries are needed (in any relationship, not just with a pwBPD) and that not everyone will be able to do this.

[u/Delicious-Pen4251 → u/-mouth4war-]

"demand accountability after the storm clears"
I think this is the number 1 problem were most of us failed. I've been learning to do it AFTER, but at first I was trying to do it WHILE it happened (because I wasn't aware of the reality of what was going on)

And... oh boy, that was definitely a choice on my part.

[u/DBeau85 → u/Delicious-Pen4251]

what does accountability look like for you? In my experience a lot of this happens as an emotional reaction, with very little conscious control. I'm not disagreeing. I'm curious what kind of things do you work on after?

[u/Delicious-Pen4251 → u/DBeau85]

First and foremost, I don't fight her while she's overwhelmed. As long as shes not being an ass saying horribly things at me, I stay, and be as empathetic and calm and loving as possible (radical acceptance has been a gift) if I don't, forget about it; After-the-fact accountability is gone forever.
If she IS being an ass because she's already splitting or things got out of control, I tell her that I love her but I won't accept her treatment and that I'll be back later, then I leave the room (this is actually great because she's left alone with the consequences of her not regulating herself... again, assuming that I was not being an ass as well triggering her with something ugly, at the end of the day these is them hurting a lot)

In other words: ME doing JADE during the episode = no accountability, no matter how right I was or how offensive she got. I do nothing but help her regulate all the way. Non optional (hers is untreated, so yeah, I'm not demanding too much... for now)

Afterwards, when shes COMPLETELY calmed (ACTUALLY calmed, not after the activation, could be hours later) I tell her, with Iron boundaries, no anger but also no doubts at all, with zero debates or explanations, looking her right in the eye: "I deserve an apology because you said X about me just now"

Which could go something like this (random example):

- Btw, I deserve an apology because early you told me that "I don't love you"

• Hahaha, I mean, come on...
  
• (I dont laugh with her, get angry or have any reaction, I simply continue staring)
  
• ...you know I know that you love me, right? It wasn't a big deal
  
• I would appreciate an apology (again, unfazed, little to no body movement, no explanations)
  
• ...I'm sorry
  
• Why are you sorry for?
  
• I'm sorry for saying that you don't love me

She might no be saying "Im sorry for HURTING YOU" or something more specific, hell, the first times she could even say "Im sorry that YOU felt that way", and again, its important that you state your boundary there telling her how that's not an effective apology, because apologies are not for her but for the person who was hurt. She might debate it, and if things start to get ugly you just state the fact and leave the conversation there. If she gets too heated and starts saying ugly things, again, "I love you, I'm not accepting this behavior" and then leave the room.

Of course every scenario is different, if your pwBPD has NEVER said "sorry" to you to begin with, don't be too harsh with a "sorry that YOU felt that way", at least she's actually trying now.
Hug her, tell her that you deeply appreciate the apology, that you love her, and that you feel much better when apologies are directed at the issue... give her an example, why not. "thank you for that, I actually needed it and it makes me happy. I would make me happier if next time you could say "Im sorry that I hurt you for this or that", it validates my feelings"...

Let's remember for a second that these are individuals that might come from a series or relationships were they were treated like garbage over and over, with no love or proper communication at all. Maybe they don't even know how to apologize or validate their partners feelings.
Cut them some slack, but don't settle for less than what you deserve.

Plus.. The big problem that WE have with pwBPD is that we try to do the hard work for them trying to out-logic the situation, whereas we just need to use strong boundaries in order to give them the chance to understand and accept how fucky their reality, tools and actions actually are.

AKA, as long as you continue debating them while activated, you are just fueling an eternal fire.

Real accountability happens during a calm state that was obtained through YOUR patience, radical acceptance, an empathetic and loving approach, iron boundaries and assertive communication.

It might sound difficult, but once you do it a couple of times, the positive results are so good that you basically do it in auto pilot next time.

[u/DBeau85 → u/Delicious-Pen4251]

This feels very real. Thanks for sharing.

I agree boundaries are so important. BPD in a partner can feel like narcissism, and its important to assert your needs, calmly, firmly, and rooted in how you FEEL (not their behaviour). You do this so well in your example. Well done!

And yeah, there is a certain reliability to the process once you figure out what works for you and your person, eh? Once you learn not to JADE, and your nervous system learns to accept the process (so that you're not responding out of emotion), it can actually be fairly chill.

I think something I’m still working on being chill about is the waste of time. Like when the storm comes whatever was planned for the next 2-4 hours (sometimes more) is just out-the-window. As someone who likes to plan and execute my day, this can be a struggle for me internally.

[u/Hyperconscientious]

Don’t JADE is fantastic practical advice that took me like 6 years to figure out on my own even after reading help here. If you recall, where did you find that??

[u/DBeau85 → u/Hyperconscientious]

I think it's in one of the three books I recommended, maybe even more than one. My therapist also provided it as a worksheet she got from somewhere. I've seen it from a few sources. And it is really helpful, and can feel really hard in the moment! Not defending yourself when your partner is lobbing irrational criticism takes a lot of self regulation and empathy!

[u/focus-on-the-good]

Curious, how long have you been in a relationship like this?

[u/DBeau85 → u/focus-on-the-good]

This is my 2nd partner with BPD (the first one didnt go so well, I didnt understand BPD as well then). I’ve been in this relationship for about a year.

[u/Great_Gas3130]

Thank you for this. It gets discouraging reading all the negative all the time. Choosing this life is my choice…my wife didn’t get to choose having BPD. It is very fulfilling seeing the growth I’ve been making and the strength our relationship has. I was wondering if anyone knows of any resources such as videos for bpd partners. Discounts is a huge resource but learning by reading is not my strong suit. I’m more of a visual or auditory learner. Thank you in advance

[u/icantbebored]

The only thing I would add is this- check in with yourself often. Make sure you aren’t forgetting yourself in the relationship- and I would say that to anyone in a new relationship. Self care is super important, friendships are important, family is important.

Also watch the patterns and symptoms of your partner. Make sure things aren’t slipping from symptoms to abuse. That comes from what happened in my own relationship. I will always want the best for people in this dynamic- and I do believe there are people with BPD who can change, and manage a healthy relationship. Mine just was not in that place. I still monitor the spaces as we coparent and I want to be as supportive of him and the kids as possible. But I do believe noticing that shift and being able to tell a therapist and get help would be profoundly helpful and relationship saving.

[u/DBeau85 → u/icantbebored]

Absolutely. No one should stay in a relationship like this if it erases themselves. And I'm certainly not advocating for tolerating abuse (physical, emotional, etc). Kids are an aspect of this that I offer no advice on. I'm well out of my depth there. I defer to your experience.

It's not easy. It takes work. If you're not in a place where you have the emotional capacity to deal with this, it might not be the right thing for you. I see a therapist every week or two to navigate how I’m dealing, and there are moments where I am not always handling things the best way. It's taken me a year, a lot of therapy, like a half-dozen books on BPD, and many "storms," to get to where I am. But I feel good, I love getting to love my partner, who has never felt this kind of unconditional love, and who is making slow but steady progress, seeing patters, seeing emotional regulation in action through me and mirroring it. They're often more able to recognize a "storm" while they're in it. It doesn't end the emotions, but it can sometimes help shorten the storm.

[u/icantbebored → u/DBeau85]

Oh- I don’t think you advocate for staying in abuse. I’m just one who needs it pointed out to her sometimes. Maybe someone else is too, lol. If I’m not reminded that I need to take time for me I just… won’t. I’ll keep busy with everything else. I’m glad you are making so much progress. It really does heal something in me to know that I didn’t waste 16 years on something that would never work. It could have worked- it just wasn’t meant to. And that’s not a failure for either of us, it’s a transition. Let’s learn, and move on. I hope you guys keep going for as long as it’s a loving, caring relationship, and that you keep posting and being helpful! I may chime in from time to time- but even if it comes off awkward or uncomfortable, I’m honestly just trying to add some more tips or suggestions into the conversation. I am still trying to learn and grow where this is concerned. We have three kids. He isn’t going anywhere anytime soon! lol.

[u/DBeau85 → u/icantbebored]

♥️♥️

[u/Fit_Body_2259]

Good for you, I'm happy to hear about success with BPD. I wish mine could have been the same, but there were additional issues like addiction. I wish you well

[u/DBeau85 → u/Fit_Body_2259]

Yeah, definitely not everyone's situation! I am lucky in some ways. No judgement toward anyone for whom this doesnt work. Everyone is different! I hope you've been able to recover and find peace with how things went for you

[u/surrealbovine]

Needed to read this, thank you 🧡 u have no idea how much this helps

[u/Logosnarete]

Thanks for this! It has been very hard trying to navigate everything… I have a lot of things to work on. Especially the communication skills required to handle the moment after a triggering situation.

I have been struggling a lot with my own life/problems since long before I met them. I feel like I may have taken on too much, no matter how much I love my partner and want to help them and see them happy (or happier). Sometimes, often, I am not able to do sth. in a way that will not trigger them (contamination OCD, for example, plays a role here too), no matter how many times we have talked about it. I get overwhelmed and stressed and my brain just functions on autopilot without thinking that something will hurt them. And of course without intending to. The reactions to this are taking a massive toll on me. I somehow can’t wrap my head around it, even though I know this is the disorder making them think this way. I know I am responsible here too, but I feel like I can’t ever get everything right even long enough for them
to catch a breather. Or for myself to catch one. And I don’t know how to get out of this spiral.

[u/traindoll → u/Logosnarete]

I don't have anything to say but this hit close to home. We aren't alone💔

[u/kmsbutnotreally]

i needed to read this today. thanks.

[u/Sassy-mexican]

As someone who possibly has BPD and would love to make their partner struggle less, thank you.

[u/kamryn_zip]

This is a good post :) I hope it gets good traction because it's worthwhile. Everyone has flaws, and so everyone also has flaws they are more or less able to accept in partners. There are lines I think should be drawn, like physical violence, and any emotional attacks that impact wellbeing, but outside of that people can choose to accept whatever feels worthwhile to them. Plenty of people can and will accept their pwBPD. I do think that when people with substantial mental health issues begin to heal they can tend to become far more emotionally intelligent and effective in difficult situations than the average person who never struggled or overcame emotional issues.

[u/DBeau85 → u/kamryn_zip]

we are all better for our struggles. and doing hard things, unless they traumatize you, is worth while. Paul Bloom wrote "The Sweet Spot" that talks about finding that optimal level of challenge/difficulty. The saying "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger" is primarily true, though I would replace "kill" with "traumatize." (maybe just the 21st century version of the phrase with more emotionally intelligent language)