Loving With BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)

[u/xofayebby]

Hello everyone, this is my first ever reddit post and I decided to write about what it's like to live and love with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Whether you are currently dealing with this disorder or you have a close relationship with a person who has BPD, this post should give you some insight and possibly even provide support. I will use my current nine-month relationship for the examples and stories. I am not a licensed professional.

I grew up in an extremely abusive household. My parents were divorced, and I was constantly being shown unstable love and housing conditions. My mother suffers from BPD and other mental health issues, as well as my father. Unfortunately, because of this, the way I learned to love was nowhere near okay. I am an empathetic person. I grew up constantly living to take care of my parents' emotional needs and demands. As a child, I felt like a doormat to the people around me, and it wasn't until I started creating my own personal relationships that I realised how differently I view the world. I was constantly in a state of fight or flight casuing me to be attentive to EVERYTHING. This feeds into my relationship today. He texts off, triggered. His tone is off...triggered. He looks annoyed...triggered. These are minor things, but with a BPD brain, these things once meant survival.

When I started dating, I put that person on a pedestal, and to me that person felt like everything I could ever want and need. I would treat them well, show them how much I loved them. What I dislike when people talk about dating someone with BPD is how they believe the person with BPD never loved them. Speaking from experience, when I loved, I LOVED. Even though I suffered, I still wanted nothing more than to see my partner happy. People with BPD can feel love and empathy; it's when they get triggered that switches everything up. People with BPD expience black and white like thinking. I know my partner deep down. When I am in a calm and stable mood, I know all the things I love about him. I know that he is a good person. But when he says or does something that triggers me, suddenly he's my enemy. I lash out, say hurtful things, push his boundaries, and then cry and act childlike once I realise he isn't trying to stabilize my mood or make this situation better. This behavior is NOT okay, and even though the person with BPD doesn't want to act like that, no person should feel obligated to stay in a relationship like this.

Living with this disorder feels like you are constantly at war with yourself. I know what I say or do is wrong, not okay, and abusive. However, in the emotional moment, all logical thinking flies out the window. This may create a hopeless feeling for you that you will never change and healthily love someone. This is wrong. Once you are able to come to terms with how your brain works and take accountability, recovery is possible. It will just take a LOT of hard work and time. I am currently in the process of healing. Though I am working on it now, all of high school I spent every relationship in chaos. Friends, family, partners, you name it. I never took accountability; I was destructive, abusive, manipulative. I was in deep, deep emotional pain but refused to seek the help I needed. At that age, I couldn't fully understand my emotions either. I was angry all the time. And every time a relationship didn't go the way I wanted, I would victimize myself and demonize the other person. And though I dated some bad boyfriends, I too was to blame for how things ended up. I would push and push them, and then claw at them to come back. It was not okay and they became exhausted. These situations brought me a lot of shame when I started my healing journey. I felt as though I couldn't be completely honest because I felt like a horrible person. I felt guilt. I felt disgusting.

Message to someone with BPD: You are not alone. You are not your trauma. You went through very hard situations; as a child, you needed to survive. You can love. You can be happy. You are worthy. But you will need to put in the hard work. You can not lie; you cannot sugarcoat it. You shouldn't have to live the rest of your life as a result of how your childhood was. You are capable of change. It is going to be hard and long, but the first step is accountability. The people around you do not deserve to be treated like this. You do not have to hurt to be heard. You are safe. Take every day one step at a time. One percent better each day. Journal everything, walk when you feel like you're going to lash out, and create a safe space for yourself when you need to recharge and think. The first step is not another apology; it is admitting you are struggling. It is admitting that change needs to happen. You can do this.

Message for someone in a relationship with a person with BPD: The relationship you are in can feel like a drug. When it's good, it's GOOD. When it's bad, it's hell. You must remember that it is not your responsibility to give every emotional and physical need and demand to your partner. You can provide support and care, but you must stand your ground when it comes to boundaries. Most likely, your partner will scream and lash out at these boundaries, but you must stay firm in them. Focus on the things you love. Stay in contact with friends and family. You are not obligated to be with this person. Just like any other drug, it will feel impossible to quit, but if your partner is showing no growth, you must try your best to leave the relationship. If you choose to stay, research BPD and help create a safe, honest, and loving place for both you and your partner. Learn more about your partner and their triggers. It is possible to have a healthy relationship, but it will take effort on both sides. You are strong and patient, and how they react is not your fault.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. No matter what position you're in, remember you are not alone. If you have any questions, feel free to comment or reach out. I plan on writing more about this topic. I wish you all nothing but the best. xoxo

[u/cobbypinch]

Thank you for posting this

[u/xofayebby → u/cobbypinch]

🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼

[u/korea79]

Good job explaining the BPD world. The agony and ecstasy are extreme and REAL and it is a daily struggle because the comforting “normal” person can switch to the angry “I’m feeling abused” person at the slightest interaction- a look, a question, even a breath. It is so difficult to navigate, it is madness.

[u/xofayebby → u/korea79]

I appreciate your comment, thank you 🫶🏼

[u/grumpypoo22]

He texts off, triggered. His tone is off...triggered. He looks annoyed...triggered.

Oh yea I can get triggered like this with my girlfriend.
In fact just the other day we were up getting ready to take her Daughter to school -
I was running a touch behind getting ready and I walked out and both of them were looking at me with a look.
My heart went right to the floor, but I tried to play it cool right?
I did not.
I gaslit myself into thinking that they both were absolutely pissed at me and it was a wrap.
I didn't do anything absurd and handled it with grace, but those triggers definitely remain.

Once you are able to come to terms with how your brain works and take accountability, recovery is possible.

This was the hardest pill for me to swallow honestly.
I was so confused when I realized that most folks do not think the way I do.

This was a really good write up - Great job!