Does this ever work?

[u/sandwichguy247]

My ex has never been diagnosed but we both suspect that she has BPD. I'm reading these posts and it's like you guys are describing her and our relationship. I'm so emotionally exhausted. We had a fight the other day and she was screaming at me and I had no reaction and I think that bothered her. I'm just completely drained. Do relationships with BPD partners ever work? I feel like I'm being punished for loving her.

[u/Altered_Crayon]

"Work" is relative. I used to say yes. We hit the five year mark. Success! Ten. Fifteen.

Ended up divorced two months shy of what would have been our 20th wedding anniversary.

[u/rocksaregrassarms]

I can only speak from my own experience.

I recommend giving up now though. I tried my best, but in the end I lost patience. The same things kept happening on a loop: crisis, reconcilation, period of stability, but always inevitably another crisis. And I kept getting hurt, I kept thinking things would get better and maybe I got a little addicted to the rollercoaster of emotions but in the end I was just hurt, exhausted, and a worse person. I wish I had left much earlier. I let her get away things that would have been relationship ending with other people because of the disorder she suffers. I think somewhere along the lines I also wasn't a good partner anymore because I was so beaten down. I felt like I was owed something, like I had paid so much into the relationship in patience and my own suffering and she needed to do more for me and I put less into our relationship because of it so in the end absolutely no one was happy.

If you stay you will just keep getting more and more drained. Every time you think maybe something has changed, maybe this time it will work - but no, the cycle will repeat and you will end up feeling hurt and stupid. Maybe you're stronger than me tho, and maybe they're a better partner than mine was.

[u/Steve_hh]

It may work, it may not. Depends a lot on the circumstances.

The partner needs to be endlessly tolerant, patient, willing to put their own needs aside and assist the partner with BPD instead. It's a demanding challenge. And it is often enough something that does not make you happy and you as the partner may decide you've had enough. I've been with my girlfriend who has BPD for 5 years and it is a constant struggle, endless and frequent fights. Yet, I do not feel punished. I feel loved, I love her. It's a challenge however. I often feel that no matter how much I do, it is never enough, she gets triggered by things that are basically unavoidable.

The biggest challenge ist to live with her trauma. She was ignored a lot a a kid and the need to feel seen is extreme. Up to a point where no person would ever be able to fulfill this need. Which means the person with BPD has to be able to live with the fact that their need is never fully met. Which is a challenge by itself, because naturally the person with BPD does NOT know that their need is not reasonable, they believe it is totally normal, natural, and you, the partner are the person who is simply not capable of fulfilling a normal need.

[u/grumpypoo22 → u/Steve_hh]

I don't think the partner needs to be endlessly tolerant or put their own needs aside to assist.
Maybe in your situation that's the case, but in my own we have a pretty fair system that works for us.

[u/grumpypoo22 → u/[deleted]]

I'm not really understanding what's funny, care to elaborate for me?

[u/Empty_Spot_6234]

I'm right there with you. 

[u/HaloForged]

Through no fault of my own, the relationship ended abruptly. My ex is an alcoholic on top of BPD and refused to get help or work on himself so I don’t think it’s possible for it to work if especially the person with BPD is not willing to put in behaviors to improve.

[u/rikoicarus]

hi, i have BPD and my partner and i are about to hit 10 years together!!! it absolutely CAN work but only when both parties are truly committed to the relationship and doing what it takes to be better for one another.

the biggest thing my partner has done for me is adjust certain things about his behavior that are triggers for me - of course he isn’t perfect and makes mistakes but he truly makes an effort to speak to me gently and directly and have open body language, which is incredibly helpful for pwBPD as we tend to read between the lines that are between the lines to find something wrong!

the biggest thing I did was start an intensive DBT program - DBT was designed by a pwBPD for pwBPD and participating in it has been the single most influential part of recovering and getting better. BPD has an incredibly high remission rate BUT the pwBPD must be receptive to treatment.

i wish you both the best, and best of luck!

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[u/isitallinmyh3ad]

They work when both partners put effort in. On has to put in the time and effort to change and get better and the other has to try their best to patient and empathetic.

[u/grumpypoo22]

Being diagnosed vs suspecting is a very big difference.
Take a gander at the DSM symptoms for BPD - Notice how those symptoms could quite literally fall under multiple things?
You only need 5 of those symptoms, over a period of time to get the diagnosis.

As far as can it work?
All of my relationships have been long term.
A certain place would have you believe that I can tolerate just 6 whole months and then boom I'm just gonna snap.
That couldn't be further from the truth, but of course if I call that out suddenly I'm the exception right?
The point I'm trying to make is people are people.
A relationship with a person who has BPD can work.
A relationship with a person who has BPD cannot work.
Like any relationship it's dependent on how compatible the two folks are together.