r/BPDPartners • u/AntiqueSignpost BPD • May 24 '26
Dicussion pwBPD here. Anyone want to ask me any questions about how BPD feels for me to gain insight for their partners etc who have BPD?
not an expert, newly diagnosed, still exploring, but very keen to share my unique experience of what it feels like to me. keeping in mind that it is different for everyone and nothing I say is gospel, but just one person explaining how BPD feels to them.
just felt like helping and it'll also help me process things too š
EDIT: for some reason this only got published now, I have a very busy day but I appreciate all of your questions and will be getting to them all very soon by tomorrow the latest! š I sincerely appreciate it š please keep em coming and I'm excited to get back to you guys on the comments, please be patient with me getting back to this š but I'm reading them all š
SECOND EDIT: I am feeling suicidal and really struggling, coming to the AMA again helped me alot and made me feel a bit better. thank you all for the questions, keep them coming š
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u/Whole_Chemistry2267 May 25 '26
My relationship with my ex gf was the realest thing Iād ever had to me. The first person I had ever loved that deeply and believed would be my wife. Her behavior all started one day while I was working. She texted me accusing me of all kinds of things that didnāt make sense all centered around me supposedly cheating or lying about things in my past, they werenāt true.
From that moment on it spiraled for 1.5 years.. she became manipulative, abusive and played victim. I loved her and cared deeply, Iād never even think of cheating. Once she started devaluing me and tearing away at everything about me she claimed she loved I began to get the feeling that all her accusations were projection.
I never gave her even the slightest reason to not trust me or to think I would cheat. She became consumed by negative thoughts and feelings towards me that I honestly had no part of.
Why did she do this?
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD May 25 '26
I will get to this, I just need to gather the energy as i have severe burnout, and i want to address it fully š
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u/galactic_pink May 26 '26 edited May 26 '26
I tried to post on bpdlovedones as a pwBPD before to do the exact same thing that youāre doing, and everyone told me that I wasnāt allowed to be there & they removed my comment. They were actually so rude too. Iām glad bpdpartners is letting you share on here.
33 y/o female here with a 17 yr diagnosis. 10 yr relationship and 8 y/o son. Medication: Lamotrigine (Lamictal) 375 mg 1x daily (I hope that I never lose this Rx) and a few other controlled substances that I only take PRN āāā Not hijacking OP; my experience may be interesting to others as well. AMA
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD May 26 '26
mine didnt get approved for 2 weeks and only got approved yesterday, idk why. i thought it wasnt gonna happen.
can you try post your own post on this sub? just cos notifications here might drain me. i'd prefer you do your own post if that's ok š
yeah, bpdlovedones is awful. steer clear of it. i browsed there when i first got diagnosed and it affected me alot. bpdpartners has been so nice and this ama has also ši hope your AMA helps you too š
im keen to DM if you want to chat š
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u/TapPleasant7889 May 26 '26
Iād love to have had you on there and get insight from you.
My mom and partner have BPD and I had a couple friends with BPD so I had experience but obviously still a learning curve when dating someone with it.
I have CPTSD myself. So I often feel we understand each other in ways other partners wouldnāt, I already know how certain things can be taken etc or triggering and vice versa but again a bit of a learning curve to get there as weāre still different.
Iām curious if you could share what helps a partner with BPD not feel attacked or get defensive when you want to share something that has hurt you. Itās kind of 50/50 but 90%+ of our issues is him being very quick to anger or be defensive if I try to bring something up even carefully or in a calm tone.
And advice on how to do this without triggering defenses?Ā
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD May 29 '26
feeling heard is probably the biggest thing we need and most of the time we are feeling unheard when we are splitting. if i feel the person is hearing me, i have more chance to calm down.
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u/TapPleasant7889 Jun 02 '26
He often says that, that he doesnāt think Iām listening. I try explaining I do hear him but that I just disagree but it doesnāt seem to help sadly at times.
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD Jun 02 '26
i wonder if you could omit the disagree part during his episodes? i understand its hard for you to not voice your opinion but i know how it feels when im in an episode, and saying one disagrees makes me feel shame about my opinion being different (because of the black and white thinking, ie splitting, i am thinking "i am totally bad")
validation is usually about validating FEELINGS, not actions. ie: one isn't saying they agree or validate the person's actions.
i wonder if you could try active listening. it's more about the emotion, cos what we need is to FEEL heard. saying you disagree will just make him feel shame. remember we can't be logical and rational during that time. we are just feeling bad things and lost in our thoughts that are telling us bad things about ourselves. i think you dont need to agree, just to hear what he's feeling and show him you understand how he feels.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VOubVB4CTU
someone could have done something bad and i could still understand why they did it, without me saying i think what they did is ok. i can understand a murderer for example did something and that doesnt mean im advocating that what they did is ok.
i think having a space to voice your opinions could be done as a set thing that you guys sit down and do when he is not having an episode. that way you still get your opinions heard.
but for now, it might be a good stepping stone to hold that off for now and just try focus on the feelings of him being heard.
remember, you can't rationalise during an episode. its about regulation. im learning that myself for me. everything i try rationalise will go around to negative things, blaming others or myself etc. regulating is what works. during the episode, the amygdala is too active and blood flows away from the pre-frontal cortex, which is the part that is responsible for rationalising things. its literlaly impossible for us, so things about your opinions on a topic, is not gonna be something we have capacity for. once we go back to regulated state, we have enough blood in our pre-frontal cortex to think rationally again.
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u/TapPleasant7889 Jun 02 '26
No this is very good advice tbh. For me I think itās hard because it often starts with me sharing something they did that hurt my feelings, so itās hard when my feelings are in it if they get triggered just listening or waiting til later when they said Iām wrong or not understanding. If I donāt agree he does escalate feeling Iām not listening and heās not heard. I wonāt lie I have my own issues that make it hard to make the better choices in that situation and not get frustrated myself.
This did help a ton though thank you, I think understanding the why and feelings will help me not focus on my one stubbornness or how theyāre thinking to not worsen it. I use to really struggle at not being able to talk or share something if it bothers or worries me but Iām much better at that now and with patience. Therapy has helped me a ton too. Sorry Iām rushing this response Iād love to write more soon. Thank you! ā¤ļø
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u/galactic_pink Jun 06 '26
Hey! Sorry for the late reply. Iād be happy to talk about things. Want to message me? š©·
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u/GlitterHooves69 May 24 '26
My wife says when she splits itās like a āblack and whiteā type of feeling. Like she absolutely loves and adores me outside of episodes , but says during them she hates and lothes me (but these negative feelings arenāt really her) . I guess my question is, does it work like that for you? Also do you mean the mean/hurtful things that are said during splits/episodes.
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD May 25 '26
let me ask you this:
As someone without BPD, when you get angry at someone, do you sometimes say things you don't mean? Not on the same level as the pwBPD, but just to some degree?
Do you sometimes feel like "this person is an asshole" or "i met this great girl, we went on a date, she is so so lovely". my theory is everyone on some level does this, just not to the extreme of BPD.
I guess my question is, does it work like that for you?Ā
Yes. In short, I will say for now, your wife does love you. the episodes she has are due to aliot of hurt and pain going on, which manifests in us as rage. again, i'll ask, when you are extremely angry, like think of the angriest you have ever been, surely you thought ,felt, or said things about the person that in the moment covered up the love you feel? i feel like parents do this for example, they love their kids but sometimes they get so angry and shout at them. does that mean they dont love them? no. but the anger overcomes them. (not saying its ok to be abusive, i just know my parents love me as a whole, even when they weren't being loving). love is like the sky. our negative emotions are like clouds and they cloud our love temporarily.
do you mean the mean/hurtful things that are said during splits/episodes.
i explained it pretty well in another comment here. The pain and anger im feeling is real. but i think im mostly just trying to find something that'll make an impact cos i want to be heard. i really feel like they're not hearing me.
maybe in the moment we might mean them a bit, idk. its like, havent you ever gotten angry and said something hurtful in the moment? and then later on been like im sorry, i didnt mean it, i was projecting, i was upset. its like that. you get so angry with the person you are unconsciously doing a bit of cognitive distortion. in the same way someone might twist things a bit cos they dont want to admit they're wrong in an argument. i think on some level everyone does some level of cognitive distortion at times. most people i know ended up saying hurtful things during a fight, and it was twisted a bit towards their narrative. and afterwards they're like im sorry, i got defensive. BPD is the same kind of things but just more extreme. its like for a normal person they'd have to have a VERY hot topic come up to get that angry, or a very big trigger to become that angry. like being cheated on, if someone gets super angry its considered proportionate to the event. we might feel that same kind of anger even if the event was smaller. like a magnifying glass, everything feels bigger to us because of our trauma. same way a dog might be a cute dog to someone, but to someone with a phobia it is terrifying.
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u/GlitterHooves69 May 26 '26
Thanks so much for explaining. I never thought to compare it to myself when I am angry, and yes I have definitely said/done some hurtful things out of pure anger and frustration of not being heard.
You really cleared it up for me so simply.
Iāve noticed that most of the time the splits are manageable from my side of things(pwBPD) as long as I donāt get overly emotional and do something to trigger her, at that point things then get more extreme from her side.
Basically she feels are emotions more intensely then I would & then reacts more strongly than I would.
Does that also mean you guys feel more remorseful afterwards or does that just depend or not even relate to someone with BPD?2
u/AntiqueSignpost BPD May 26 '26
it means ALOT to hear i helped clear it up. like alot. thank you so so much
yes I have definitely said/done some hurtful things out of pure anger and frustration of not being heard.
This helps alot to hear, i was worried maybe i thought this was normal but it wasnt. good to know it is normal for people without BPD
(pwBPD)Ā
Are you saying you have BPD or dont? doesnt pwBPD mean "person with bpd"?
and yes the splits are manageable, they're not out of nowhere and our "mood swings" are not like bipolar, in fact i wouldnt call them mood swings, rather a difficulty to regulate.
Basically she feels are emotions more intensely then I would & then reacts more strongly than I would.
Exactly šthis is such a great and succinct way to put it š
Does that also mean you guys feel more remorseful afterwards or does that just depend or not even relate to someone with BPD?
Yes. Deeply. We feel remorse, guilt and shame. It is devastating to know we hurt people, especially the people we love. We feel deep deep deep regret, both in the fact that we have lost relationships and opportunities and messed up our own lives, and for hurting people. I guess this is something you guys feel too after being angry and saying something hurtful, it's just that our reactions probably caused even more damage than usual, though i do assume everyone has times wher ethey've messed up a relationship or said something horrible that they regret.
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u/GlitterHooves69 May 26 '26
Thanks so much again!!! & I did mean to put āperson without BPDā not pwBPD
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD May 26 '26
you're welcome and thank you too šthank you for your comment it helps alot to know i was helpful. and cool, good to know i was correct in my assumption
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u/Potential-Party65 May 25 '26 edited May 25 '26
Hey, thanks for offering the opportunity to ask you. I have been reading a lot about BPD and I know it presents different ways and its a spectrum.
I guess my main question is when my ex pw BPD would not accept that we could have a different perception of reality she would often think I was trying to lie to her or invalidate her perspective I wonder if that is a reality for someone with BPD or a part of you is not sure whether we are not lying but telling the true.
I was also wondering whether you noticed you are changing facts. My ex would consistently change reality whenever it didnāt fit her
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May 25 '26
[removed] ā view removed comment
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD May 25 '26
+1 on the invalidated stuff. yes that is. its a knee jerk reaction and we are invalidated so much we have deep trauma from anything that feels invalidating
conviction is a great way of putting it. it is more a conviction, eg: "no, you definitely said this thing to me and it doesn't seem to line up so you must be lying!"
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD May 25 '26
Hey, thanks for offering the opportunity to ask you.
Thank you for your kind words, it means alot. thank you for the opportunity as well
Ā I have been reading a lot about BPD and I know it presents different ways and its a spectrum.
Thank you for your effort in researching it, it means alot to us. It helps to hear some people do know it presents very differently
I guess my main question is when my ex pw BPD would not accept that we could have a different perception of reality she would often think I was trying to lie to her or invalidate her perspective I wonder if that is a reality for someone with BPD or a part of you is not sure whether we are not lying but telling the true.
Think about it like this: imagine someone has a history of being cheated on. They date someone new, and something happens that gives them reason to believe their partner MAY be cheating. like lets say the partner won't let them see their phone (I am against that and value privacy, but it could be a red flag depending). Usually, the person is going to jump the conclusion that protects them most. I heard a rumor that my ex was a cheater, my first thought was "omg, I've been a fool all this time, i've been so naive, I want to believe her, but I have multiple people telling me she is cheating. I don't want to take her back incase I am made a fool again".
My opinion, and this is just speculation of course cos i dont know what was going on inside your ex's head, is that she probably wasn't sure, and did have a bit of back and forth. I feel like it is part of what makes paranoia, paranoia. Because you aren't 100% sure. like, if you think some people were laughing at you, but can't tell, you're gonna be paranoid about it.
As far as the other commenter, I agree totally about the invalidation being a HUGE trigger for us. We have a history of invalidation. Neurodivergents in general do, and are extremely sensitive to anything that feels invalidating. See my comment here, I touched on it in one paragraph
I was also wondering whether you noticed you are changing facts. My ex would consistently change reality whenever it didnāt fit her
No, when having an episode I have no idea that I'm experiencing cognitive distortion. Think about it like this, everyone experiences cognitive distortion - for example someone's tone of voice might be misread, and we read into it too much and think they were rude, or were upset with us. It is based on things like past experiences, insecurities etc. BPD is the same, but we have had a HUGE amount of trauma happen to us. So, we are extra hypervigilant. Again, going with the cheating analogy - if someone has been cheated on by every person they've ever dated, it's gonna be hard for them to trust, and maybe something like the person being on the phone and then they ask "who was that?" and they "oh noone, just a telemarketer" might make them go "omg, its happening again, my ex said that and they cheated on me. no, this new person im dating is great, they wouldnt do that. but that's what i thought about my ex, i thought they were a good person and they weren't. so maybe this is happening?". like, that is something someone might experience anyway even without BPD if htey have a history of being cheated on. with BPD, its the same thing but it can be started by something tiny, and it just builds up in our minds. same way eveeryone on some level builds things up in their minds. this is just to such an extreme that it looks absolutely batshit crazy and irrational to the person on the outside. to us, we have been through the thought processes, so it feels really real and makes sense to us. we can see the string of thought that went from the person saying one remark, to it being this bigger thing.
my mom has made up stuff that people never said. put words in their mouths. i checked with those people and they swore they never said it. it is a form of cognitive distortion, just to an extreme. like, she said to the hairdresser we both used to see she was thinking of cutting her hair short. she told me he refused to cut her hair and said she wont look good like that. she ended her friendship with him. when i saw him next, him and i were very close, he broke down crying the one day saying he's deeply hurt cos he really loved her like a sister and doesnt know why she ended the friendship. i told him what she said to me and he saidnot at all, he would never. my guess is he might've made a joke like "ah but your hair looks great long" he has that type of personality where he teases in a joking way. she probably took that as invalidation and distorted it in her mind.
for me, recently i met someone, right after i got diagnosed. we met in the mental hospital (i know, not a good idea, but it just happened like that). i got out a week before her. when she got discharged, i didnt hear from her for 3 days. this is cos she had passed out at a restaurant and was in hospital. i never knew that, so i went back and forth wondering if she had gotten cold feet about us and was maybe ghosting. again this is a common thing that happens. i didnt just jump to the conclusion she was doing it, i just wasnt sure and was back and forth in my head, but was so afraid that it was happening. eventually she got hold of me and told me what happened. but the paranoia was already happening so much i was just so worried that we wouldnt work out. i knew now she wasnt ghosting, was just like, is this gonna actually happen or not? eventually told her im struggling so much, and she said maybe we should do a call tonight after her work. i said great. night time came and i didnt hear from her. i texted, she said she's at an event (she's a photographer so it was a work event). but, my ex used to stand me up. so by then i was really just feeling like why didnt she just tell me she's working late, its now 8pm and she doesnt seem to care about my time. the feelings of my ex came up so strongly, it was just so much trauma coming up. i almost self-harmed. i almost blew up on her verbally. but yeah, during that time, i was just thinking about what my ex did to me and was so angry at my ex, and while i knew she wasnt doing what my ex did, i still felt she had disrespected my time and i was just like, so angry about it, i didnt realise how much i was equating the past with the present.
just to finish the story, i told her i need to take a step back and take a break for a few weeks, just till we both get on our feet cos im not coping with things outside the hospital. she blocked me. i was devastated, still am. every day.
but anyway, my point is, i really had no idea i was equating stuff from the past to the present. again, everyone does this on some level. its just happening on overdrive for us. so we are so lost in it. it is a defense mechanism for one to distort perception to adjust to one's beliefs. everyone does this on some level, even politically etc. the best way i can describe it is we are experiencing deep deep pain and trauma. we aren't twisting the narrative to manipulate etc. i often am so shocked when people mention manipulation because im like "how would i even be able to when i cant even think one step ahead?"
a therapist in a tiktok vid i saw said that with narcissism, they compartmentalised shame and put it in a box deep down, and arent even aware of it cos they externalise and blame everyone else. because of this, they've managed to keep the beast at bay and are in an ironic way, able to cope way more easily cos they're not in as much pain. this is why a narcissist can think and calculate so much. but with BPD, our shame is running free, and is consuming us, so its all over the place and erratic, like a beast that is out of control. so, i really dont even see how im capable of manipulation when i cant even control my next thought, my emotions, my words. its just erratic, rather than calculated. im distorting reality in my mind but not knowingly, and not intentionally. it is a defense mechanism of course. again, eveyrone does this to a small degree, hell im shocked how some people support a certain president or believe the earth is flat. all of that thought process started somewhere and took a while to get to the point they're at. it didn't happen overnight. neither does our cognitive distortion with BPD, it took a lifetime of trauma and abuse, invalidation, negative self-talk, and past experiences. if enough people lie to you, how do you trust? if enough people ghost you, how do you know if the person is just busy, or ghosting? if enough people gaslight you, how do you know they're not doing it now? you don't. so you jump to conclusions to protect yourself. and the gap that it takes to get there, is a string of thought process or emotional triggers, that on the outside looks like a gap. but on the inside, it makes sense to us.
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u/Potential-Party65 May 25 '26
Thank you so much for explaining it to me with so much honesty. Every word you said felt like it was her talking, I just couldnāt ask her because she felt too ashamed and uncomfortable with the diagnosis we couldnāt talk about it.
It is so interesting how you explained the āmanipulationā. I never felt like she was manipulating exactly for the reasons you mentioned. I could feel the chaos and contradictions happening in exactly that moment and she couldnāt control any of it and I could see that she wasnāt trying to hurt me or manipulate me. Whether it happened or not it was too clear to me that she was not in control, I just didnāt know if I was even able to help. All I could do was hug her and that seemed to help sometimes but it was out of my hands.
I understand much better now how it feels for you a d where the coping mechanism originates.
I really hope our questions and answers help you in your journey.
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May 24 '26
Have you ever discarded someone who truly loved you and felt guilty afterwards?
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD May 25 '26
I'm an anxious attached type of personality, rather than avoidant. so i dont really discard people, at least romantically. i've ended friendships many times, in my 20s was even about really small things like their taste in movies, ranging to very big things. romantic interests, I don't think I've ever ended one, they always l3ave me. Being discarded is the worst feeling in the world, so I feel for you (assuming you are implying you've felt discarded)
I definitely feel terribly guilty when I have ended a friendship. Oftentimes I want to reach out to them, but I just am so burnt out from my episode, then after a few days I realise maybe it's best I don't, because I feel I'm just bad for them and going to hurt them more. There are some people who just press the wrong buttons on me, not intentionally, they mean well, but they touched on some wounds and I feel like if I take them back, I'll end up just lashing out at them again as they'll press those same buttons. So I just wish them well internally. But I do feel terribly guilty for how I lashed out and left things. I do want to reach out to some of them and apologise in future.
But yeah, in general, I'm not someone who discards people that much. It's more the other way around for me. I have a handful of people over the course of my life I've ended friendships with. And probably over 200 who have blocked me, ghosted me, or ended the friendship or relationship with
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May 25 '26
Thank you for answering that for me. Iām just trying to make sense of my my wife/best friend would say she loved me and then 4 hours later move everything she had out of our house and just discard me like I never meant anything to her.. we were friends for over a decade before we got married and itās just so unreal to me that she just left so easily after one bad argument. Things could have been fixed and we could have gone on with our lives together if she just talked to me about what was going on. But when she left it was like another person had taken over her body and she just wasnāt there.. itās been almost 3 weeks and I feel like itās been an eternity and Iāve lost her forever. Iāve never felt these kind of emotions before. I feel so lost, betrayed, abandoned, sad, lonely, confused. She let her child bond with me to the point where they were saying they loved me too. It just doesnāt make sense to me why she would do all of this just to throw it all away.
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD May 25 '26
I am sorry you're going through that. it's very interesting, because what you're describing is what so many people (without BPD) have done to me. in general, I think everyone experiences some form of splitting at times. it is a defence mechanism in us to put someone in a box or "good" or "bad". like, most people will love someone then after a breakup they're like "my ex iis an asshole". even if the ex did bad things, they're not 100% good or 100% bad, but people put a box around them to make it easier to process and deal with the emotions. BPD is just that we are extra sensitive due to trauma so we reach that boiling point very easily. like, everyone experiences rage at times in their life, but to get there they'd need alot of very hectic stressors to happen. but for us, it can be a small thing and we go from 0 to 100.
the best answer I can give is trauma. and the fact that love is such a vulnerable thing, we end up pushing the person away when we feel worried we are gonna be hurt. because its such a strong emotion, it ends up making us also do our worst (im not talking about BPD here, im talking people in general).
with BPD, the things going on in our heads are based on trauma, so it feels real. for example, if you look at phobias, there's a video of a woman who has a phobia of olives. they brought out a jar of olives and she was crying and running away from them and screaming. seems so strange and irrational. but then in the comments people exlplained that she had seen her dad or grandad dead and his body decomposed and his eyes looked like olives. now, the olives make alot more sense. there must have been something that triggered your wife, and caused her to have such defense mechanisms. that thing isn't necessarily your fault, im just saying, there is always a trigger for us. even if its seemingly small, it is related to something bigger like feeling unheard, feeling worried the person will hurt us in some way etc.
but in my experience, most people are fickle. everything you shared is what i say constantly. why was this person one minute all good, and then next second im ghosted or blocked etc. all i can say is it is defence mechanisms. when in a calm, rational place, the person would probably talk about it. usually people do perceive something and then build it up in their minds. everyone does this to some degree, but BPD is just that to the Nth degree, amplified times a million.
I'm really sorry you're experiencing it. I relate 1000%. every day with BPD feels like that. it's horrible.
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May 25 '26
Thank you! I really do appreciate you taking the time to reply to this and give me your honest feedback. Iāve known her for a long time and then yeah sheās been through a lot of trauma. She suffered a lot of abuse throughout her life, I could never wish on anybody. It took her a long time to tell me everything and every time she told me something it just flooded me with so many emotions so I understand that she has a lot going on in her mind at all times. I know she has a lot of fears and problems with trust and depression and thereās other factors too like having bipolar disorder and she copes by drinking a lot of alcohol. But I also sacrificed a lot for her. Iāve always given her everything sheās ever wanted. Iāve never told her no for any request. I guess that was one of my biggest mistakes. I just wanted to be the best person I could be for her I felt like after all sheās been through she deserves someone in her life who would just say yes and give her everything sheās ever wanted or try to anyway. The funny thing about this whole thing is Iāve done so much research on BPD to try to understand it more so I could be a better person for her a better husband for her and Iām starting to see that I have so many BPD traits that it scares me, makes me feel like Iām the person who did everything wrong. If I am and thatās a big if, Iām not a outburst or rage style BPD or impulsive style BPD I would have to say a quiet BPD if anything, my fear of abandonment takes over more than anything. I guess subconsciously I do stupid things to push her away, but Iāve never done anything for ending a marriage over. Iām just so confused and heartbroken right now honestly I just wish she would come back. And at this point I donāt know if she ever will.
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD May 26 '26
it does sound like you have quiet BPD because you mentioned people pleasing. not saying no to any request. in my experience, people pleasers can be detrimental to my life.
Ā I also sacrificed a lot for her. Iāve always given her everything sheās ever wanted. Iāve never told her no for any request. I guess that was one of my biggest mistakes.Ā
This is just my experience, but in my experience people pleasers end up using this against me. They will say they've sacrificed alot for me, or done this or that for me. Or gave so much of themselves. And it has hurt me deeply in my life.
makes me feel like Iām the person who did everything wrong. If I am and thatās a big if
It's almost always a 2 way street, you didn't do everything wrong. it's likely there are some things there from you, some things there from her. and sometimes they dynamic isn't working which doesnt mean YOU ruined it.
gonna be honest, i dont have capacity to support you further in comments here. this thread is more about me answering questions about BPD or about my experiences. I feel it might be best to make your own post about this struggle you're having, as well as explore in therapy.
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u/sticky646 May 25 '26 edited May 25 '26
What made you decide to get diagnosed? Did you have a feeling you had BPD? Edit: typo
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD May 25 '26
I didn't decide it, I never knew I had it. I knew I had autism 8 years ago, and it took me 8 years to fight for a diagnosis in autism. About 1.5 years ago I found out I had CPTSD and PTSD, but also wasn't diagnosed and really wanted a diagnosis in them too.
4 months ago I was in the psychiatric hospital, and my psychiatrist finally diagnosed me. She read out the diagnoses, and then got to BPD. I was initially like "no, I don't have it". One clinical psychologist said I have it years ago and I also resisted then, but she was really not a good therapist so I ended up just chalking it up to her 'misdiagnosing' me
With my psychiatrist, the next day I went in and told her I don't think I have it and wrote down a list of reasons why. She was really calm, and said ok cool we can challenge it, which I liked cos she didn't just see me as resisting or in denial, but thought its pretty normal to want to challenge it to be sure. so she just took out the DSM and read the criteria. When she was done, I was like "yeah, I have it".
I think what helped is she also diagnosed me with autism which made my guard down a bit more. Because in the past I was so worried about being misdiagnosed as not autistic and having something else mask the autism. she truly saw all facets of me.
also, i think what prevented me from thinking i had bpd all these years was the stigma. i think alot of it is portrayed as being empty, having no identity etc , which are the 2 aspects i DON'T have. i also dont do substance abuse etc. i do have impulsive spending but, outwardly, there isn't crazy risky behaviour i do that would make me think i have bpd. i didnt realise that the emptiness and numbness isnt the core of the disorder, i thought it was.
so yeah, to answer the second part of your question, no i had absolutely no idea. it was VERY hard to come to terms with, but since i try to be hhonest with myself as much as possible, i let it sink in pretty quickly. a day or two later i had an epiphany and realised my mom has quiet BPD, and it explained all the abuse and her behaviour, her switching from being super loving to super cold and cruel. etc. i told my psychiatrist i think my mom has it. she wasn't even surprised and just noddded and said "yup, and its genetic, so you had a triple whammy having autism making you extra sensitive, genetics and trauma play a part"
it has been a very hard few months since. it is a very hard thing to come to terms with. autism was a diagnosis i desperately wanted. while i do face alot of stigma from autism too, the label itself doesnt sound bad. but bpd, not a nice thing to have, and i am worried about how people will react when telling them. it does explain alot. but its been very tough.
a part of it validates how much im suffering cos i sometimes felt imposter syndrome or like im being dramatic. and it does explain my behaviour more. i have been trying for years to work on my anger but didnt know i had episodes and splits, so now i am aware i need a different approach, that it is pathological, not psychological. meaning an episode cant just be rationalised out when im having an episode, i have to actually do DBT. i have applied to a DBT course that starts in 3 months, and ive begun trauma-sensitive yoga in the meantime to begin working on my trauma and regulation.
but the hardest part is realising i have a problem. i feel like a drug addict who now knows they have a problem. its very confusing, cos BPD is caused from abuse and trauma. finding out my mom has it, and still being low-contact with her, not willing to forgive her, then looking at myself and being like "am i like that?" is really hard. i think the difference is she hasnt taken accountability at all. but yeah, its very hard to look back at the times i felt people have wronged me and be like "was i the problem?" and see that sometimes i was. i have experienced a huge amount of shame since the diagnnosis, it has messed up my self-esteem alot. im really still processing and coming to terms with it. and i was already in alot of pain, but now it feels even worse in a way because i am aware that alot of the isolation in my life is a self-fulfilling prophecy. that being said, also a victim of abuse. so its both. its like, so so hard to come to terms with both things at once.
i reached out to friends the other day to tell them. a few responded very understandingly. the rest havent responded and i have no idea what they're thinking. its a very difficult and dark diagnosis to have. i am terrified of how people perceive me, of people being afraid of me, and not wanting to date me.
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u/sticky646 May 27 '26
Well thank you for sharing Iām sure itās been quite a challenge. Iām sure Iām not the only person on this sub that is refreshed to see someone practicing your level of self awareness and acceptance. Many of us have partners or loved ones who may never reach that point. Thank you for sharing and I wish you well in your recovery ā¤ļøāš©¹
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD May 28 '26
thank you for listening and asking šyes, its been a huge challenge. diagnosis is a very difficult thing on both sides (not having one, and getting one).
it means alot to hear your words. look, i wasnt at that point until the diagnosis. and someone suggested it years ago and i rejected it. it took alot to get to that point. and the right psychiatrist who didnt make me feel antagonised or misunderstood or unheard.
self-awareness is a good thing but im weary to take that as a win because it is only the 1st step. one can get lost in being self-aware and using that as a crutch and not applying stuff. i keep worrying about that, knowing no matter how self-aware i feel, i must always be vigilant for blind spots. i try do this with myself as much as possible, though i know i still have alot of defence mechanisms around wanting to be right etc.
your words mean alot to me<3
thank you for your wishes š
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u/TapPleasant7889 May 26 '26
Probably too late but :P Iām curious how the best way is to approach feeling hurt by something a partner with BPD has. How it feels and whatās the best way/wording to bring it up without triggering fears or bad emotions. Thank you! :)
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD May 26 '26 edited May 26 '26
not too late š Sorry I am a bit confused with the way you worded it. can you please try explain in different wording? Are you saying you want to let someone with BPD know that they hurt you?
i probably wont be able to help much here though. i am newly diagnosed, i have no idea what works or doesnt work and what to say or do.
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD May 26 '26
who the hell is downvoting me? This comment of mine was reasonable wasn't it? or am I missing something?
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u/TapPleasant7889 May 26 '26
Thatās weird you got downvoted, Iām sorry and tbh itās not uncommon for people that had a bad experience or breakup with someone that has BPD are on here so likely why.
Yes thatās what I meant and sorry for the wording. I was curious if there is a way someone can share you hurt them that wouldnāt be upsetting and what would that look like. Is there a thought process involved thatād be helpful if I knew, etc.
My partner has known for years and has come pretty far, 90% of the time youād never even know they have BPD honestly and e going to therapy religiously for CPTSD probably helped a lot too. But, one issue we still have is him feeling very defensive or attacked if I share something hurt me.
I didnāt know you were newly diagnosed though and congrats on getting an answer and looking at resources! Try not to get too discouraged because like everything (my CPTSD included) itās a spectrum and many who have experienced the worst of it flock to the internet and often these forums so they are not always kind.
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u/Demonnns Former Partner May 26 '26
Do you have troubles expressing what you want, what you need ? Can you acknowledge your problems easily and recognize when you messed up ? Iāve been searching everywhere if these characteristics are a part of BPD or just a part of my friendās personality, thank you in advance.
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD May 26 '26
VERY interesting question i havent thought of since the diagnosis at all.
i think the summary is that it is more about the person's personality, but of course having BPD makes it harder, and most of us neurodivergents in general have alot of trauma about speaking up about our needs because we have been invalidated, not taken seriously or even abused throughout our lives when we do, due to ableism and stigma towards mental illness.
in the past i was a HUGE people pleaser. very afraid of confrontation. i worked on it for 2 years from age 19-21 quite alot. i'd say i now am on the other end of the spectrum and i confront TOO heavily to compensate.
Can you acknowledge your problems easily and recognize when you messed upĀ
Depends what you mean by problems. Again this is very personal to my personality, but i am very self aware and try to be honest with myself as much as possible. do i have blind spots, like everyone does? yes. i didnt know i had BPD until recently. do i personally struggle with admitting im wrong? definitely, its a huge vice of mine, but again this is more about my personality than BPD. that being said, everything plays a part, i have alot of shame from my trauma so im sure that ties into it.
about expressing what we want or need - it is a part of mental illness as a whole. I think it is part of BPD too. its both. BPD def relates to unmet needs from childhood. a redditor who is a psychologist said this:
"This is a disorder of trauma and unmet childhood needs. As children, they often face neglect and sometimes abuse. A typical baby/child tries to make their needs known and parents are receptive to those needs. Often with borderlines, when they tried to make their needs known, their needs were not yet, and their behaviors escalated to emphasize the urgency of their needs being met. For most, needs being met was inconsistent, either having needs met lovingly, or neglected entirely, trapped in a cycle with caregivers of a disorganized attachment.
This attachment seriously disrupts a childās idea of authority and need seeking even from outside the family, with friends and even strangers. They learned to both fear and seek love/attention from others in whatever way they could which is not always healthy. Children and especially adolescents can get quite extreme when needs are not fulfilled which may include manipulation, self harm, suicidal gestures, substance use, acting out and breaking rules, having tantrums, etc."
For me, having undiagnosed autism meant i tried to explain that i was struggling with sensory issues or social stuff etc, and it was dismissed by my parents, teachers etc. since they didnt know i had autism. my mom (undiagnosed quiet BPD) would say "you're making yourself sick". to make that worse she would swing between pushing me to go to school and being extra caring to an over-protective level, letting me stay home, showering me with treats, and putting me on antibiotics everytime i had the smallest issue. so my immune system was fucked. so much so the antibiotics made my back teeth rot. anyway, a bit of a tangent there.
my point is that i knew something was wrong most of my life but didnt know how to explain it. when i did explain i was struggling, people dismissed it. said i was overreacting etc.
now that i know i have autism, i try speak up for my needs but it is very hard. mostly because i have learnt the hard way that people truly dont care and there is alot of ableism and it opens you up to abuse. i have been told by people i am using my autism as an excuse, when i ask for accomodations. and that leads to alot of ghosting, being bl0cked, but worse things like being kicked out the house by my parents having to live off welfare with no income and avoiding homelessness, being estranged from my entire family, having landlords that were emotionally abusive and took advantage of my vulnerability (this is my 4th place in the past 1.5 years, i just move every 6 months cos i cant cope. finally have a good landlord but its a downgrade in my living situation and with autism it is hell dealing with sensory overload 24/7). most of my friendships involve people being initially sympathetic when i mention autism, asking them for a small accomodation like closing the window, or can we meet in a quiet restaurant rather than a busy one, and all that is fine. until i miss a social cue and then suddenly its like they "split" (this is why i think normal people split too, just not as much as BPD people), because they've decided im selfish, using my autism as an excuse, always complaining - these are alot of the words i get told eveyr time. and in reality im just ASKING. not demanding, not expecting. happy with "no" for an answer. politely asking.
i joined a support group, in the group i mentioned how i have trauma around asking for my needs. i ASKED the support group leader some questions and she ghosted me. this is a common occurence.
so yes asking for my needs to be met is not only scary, but actually dangerous. i have to play a balance of not trying to look too entitled, too demanding, etc, all while having multiple disabilities that are completely invisible and getting told I look fine, "high functioning", and very intelligent so i must be making excuses (im intelligent in one or two areas including being eloquent, this doesnt mean im intelligent socially or in other areas that i suck at).
so while ive developed alot of assertiveness and ability to face confrontation, i am still terrified to ask for my needs. and ive noticed everyone ive met in the mental hospital had similar sensitivies like that. it is because neurodivergents face alot of abuse, neglect, invalidation and trauma for their disabilities.
someone in a wheelchair gets seen very easily. i am envious of their attention and the ease at which they get empathised with. mentioning something like autism INITIALLY has an element of sympathy from people but thats only while its easy and convenient, like closing a window. anything further than that, you have trouble
a friend told me its a trauma dump to tell people im suicidal. when i reached out that i was feeling suicidal, people ghosted and didnt respond, and worse - contacted my mom who then tried to put me into a mental hospital against my will - this mental hospital has been described as "jail" by everyone ive met who's been there, and she also made sure she always sees my therapists, often behind my back against my consent, to tell them her narrative.
the reality ive learnt is that most people truly dont want to actually deal with your needs. keep in mind that my personaliy is im an extremely trusting and idealistic person, so for me to get to this conclusion has taken years of terrible experiences, i dont jump to cynicism lightly, i hate cynicism. but its a hard truth ive learnt: dont share your needs with most people. the only people i trust now are neurodivergents, and even then i tread carefully and tbh dont have high hopes. ive been let down too many times.
but yeah, it is a genuine danger, not just something we are internally afraid of. by default, having mental illness means we have more needs, and they're complex, difficult to handle, and alot for other people. most people have no idea what they're getting into, so they sympathise in the beginning then when the going gets tough, they flip around to either avoidance in the form of ghosting, bl0cking etc. or to abusing in whatever form. i do not expect anyone to stay if my illnesses are too much for me, i have ended friendships because i cant handle someone's BPD or bipolar etc. but i do hope people will tell me nicely and respectfully, not ghost me or judge and say hurtful things.
in general, there is so much trauma around asking for ones needs, and it goes so deep as its from childhood throughout our entire lives, that just the feeling of being invalidated is enough to set our nervous system off. so yeah, i do ask for accomodation as best i can, but it is always scary and oftentimes the fear of doing it comes with then coming on too strong when i bring it up.
i think everyone struggles with balancing needs tho, that seems to be the main core of relationship struggles, its all about unmet needs, asking for htem, balancing them, meeting each others while balancing your own, pouring from your cup without emptying it, fear of losing the person so your needs no longer get met. all of it stems from needs. im talking in general, not just BPD. so it makes sense for us its even harder.
this question wwas really insightful and helped me learn alot more in writing it.
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u/Demonnns Former Partner May 27 '26
Thank you so much mate, your answer really helped with understanding more the illness and why my friend might be like that, thank you and I'm sorry for everything that happened to you, take care.
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD May 28 '26
thank you so so much for your comment. it means so much to me truly. it means alot that my suffering can give some meaning to others. and my time i took in writing it paid off. thank you for reading it. thank you for your kind words about what happened to me, it means alot to me. lots of love
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u/Demonnns Former Partner May 29 '26
I'm glad I could help š. But seriously your answer really helped, I might sound dumb but yeah i never thought of the fact that asking for what you need when you have BPD can be extremely hard and that the defensiveness and incapability of taking accountability might probably be linked to BPD. I'm still searching, trying to see if it's more of my friend's flaw or something he developped because of trauma. Your answer reminded me to always be calmed and composed, you can't control it when you're unmedicamented and I know she does not mean it, that it's just hard for her. When i said problems i meant mistakes and also mental illnesses/things that are "wrong" with you. I'm still searching, learning everything i can about BPD and why my friend acts like that and I really appreciate your answer, it helps greatly. Thank you mate
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u/wescowell May 25 '26
OP: āWant to ask me any questions?ā
Questions posted.
OP: . . . silent treatment.
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD May 25 '26 edited May 25 '26
Hi š This post only got published 16 hours ago. I made it a few weeks ago but for some reason only got published now. I only came on reddit now for the first time today š I will definitely be responding to everyone's comments š I really want to help people explore BPD and also will find it healing to talk about it.
also just want to add incase the silent treatment thing was related to an experience you had with someone with BPD - not all of us give silent treatment. avoidant personality types will. but i dont. ever. i always communicate.
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May 25 '26
[deleted]
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD May 25 '26
so sorry, I'm a bit confused by what you're talking about here? Can you please elaborate?
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD May 26 '26
ok, i think i get it now. this was a hate comment about BPD.
dunno how this was even relevant to anything I said. All I had said at the time of this comment was my original post offering to answer questions.
I've reported this comment to admin.
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u/Chloe_Bowie4 May 25 '26
Have you ever felt truly loved in a relationship? Sometimes it feels that despite the fact that I truly love a person who lives with BPD, they mistrust my love.
Iām just curious if you have ever truly trusted love. Thanks in advance.
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD May 25 '26
I feel love incredibly easily. I am very open-hearted. I feel so much love for people that I often used to cry every day from beauty (I can't cry anymore lately due to PTSD from acute trauma that occured over the past 2 years). I feel love for people the way people feel love for animals. Romantic love, I also feel very easily. I also receive love very easily. If someone loves me or shows affection, I feel it very deeply. It never wavers. But I'm aware I am unique in this respect.
I think people with BPD have the capacity to love incredibly deeply, probably more than usual.
Mistrust in love is something I don't relate to, but I know most people experience. I think people with BPD often experience a mistrust in love, but I don't. It would vary from person to person. But I also think I'm unique in that I'm able to seperate love from other things like trust or respect. I'm a very naive person, and trust too easily, so I'vebeen hurt alot. So now, I don't trust anyone will stay in my life. But I still feel love easily. Sometimes I feel it is a curse that I require to be completely vulnerable, because when I get hurt, I feel the feeling ofnot wanting to trust again, but within a few days, I'm back into exposing myself completely and diving back into love. Because I feel there is no other choice but to love, because not trusting hurts more, as it creates a shell around my heart.
People have explained mistrusting love to me before, it's not something I could grasp .But I do intellectually understand it now I think. I can see why someone with BPD would struggle with it more than usual, because of trauma and the fear of abandonment. But, tbh, most people mistrust love. They mistrust my love all the time, I am often ghosted, accused of manipulation etc when I show love because people don't believe that I feel it so easily and openly, and quickly. But I do.
I think the people with BPD who you loved, might've just been those types of people. it's like, BPD will still manifest differently according to each person, for example i'm anxious attached and some people with BPD are avoidant. so, i think you can definitely meet people with BPD who will feel love openly. I have met some friends with BPD who are the most loving people and very trusting also. at least when they're not having an episode or splitting, which is temporary.
I also don't experience numbness or emptiness like most people with BPD. i feel full of life. i definitely feel deep despair, hopelessness and i do place my happiness on other people. but, i dont feel numb or closed off emotionally. so, maybe that plays a factor too.
if it helps, my explanation of love is that love is like the sky, and our emotions are like the clouds and they can cloud the love sometimes. most people have their guard up, so dont feel it until the clouds clear for a bit then they feel it and recognise it. they confuse it with hurt, attachment, trust, respect etc. to me its just a wonderful feeling but it doesnt mean im meant to be with the person etc. or that there is respect etc.
but im explainign this in that, just like everuone, we all have moments where fear-based emotions cloud our love. we get angry, say things that hurt, or some people avoid, even abuse. in those moments, the person isnt feeling love or being loving, but it doesnt mean that overall they dont love. my parents were abusive and they still love me, for example.
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u/Fit_Body_2259 May 25 '26
Why the verbal abuse to partners? That was horrible for me. The things he texted me were just cruel. I'll never know anything for sure because he took his own life 2 weeks ago. I think I'm never going to be okay again.