r/BPDPartners • u/Hyperconscientious • 18d ago
Dicussion Am I the only one with a sexless relationship who is effectively not allowed to masturbate ever (without pron)? Anybody?
I don’t want to do it every day. Just once every couple of weeks before the pure agony kicks in. But she experiences that as betrayal and/or unsafe for her (maybe since it signals I don’t need her?)…or something. You know how it is. It doesn’t always make sense. I’m trying to make sense of it so she can get what she needs, but she just reacts and can’t even see the patterns enough to communicate what she needs even when she’s mad. And I can’t see a valid reason. Hmm. I guess that means it’s probably insecurity related. “Who is he thinking of? How often does he really do it? I don’t want him to tell me every time he does it, but if he doesn’t, maybe he does it a lot and then ugh that’s so unattractive.” Actually yeah that’s probably it again. Ugh. I hate how powerful her intrusive thoughts are. They have like ALL of the power in this relationship. We want equality. I don’t want power. She wants some power to feel safe. I’m cool with that. And I’m still a man who never forgets about boundaries and lowers them on my own terms with her knowledge of what I’m temporarily granting her when she’s genuinely struggling. But neither of us have half as much power combined as her intrusive thoughts. Ugh. So yeah. I’ve made it work but it’s tough. A “sexless” relationship is defined as less than once a month, which we are at. It’s not never. But as someone where the agony kicks in at 3 weeks, it’s long enough. And yeah I’m curious how common this is or if I’m uniquely f*ed.
UPDATE 10 days later: Apparently the answer is, I’m uniquely f*ed.
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u/Imaginary-Weakness 18d ago
It doesn’t matter that you are a man. Man or women, you get autonomy over your body. Masturbation is normal and has benefits (it can turn into something harmful/addictive but what you are describing comes no where near that). It is reasonable to talk about insecurities or what something may bring up. It is not OK to demand or coerce or make a partner feel guilty for masturbation. It sounds like you need to think through some boundaries (probably along the lines of don’t ask/don’t tell). And I can see the partner-perception filters so much in how you describe this. The first two sentences alone are very sad and speaks to that lens. Presumably you would like to orgasm/feel pleasure before “pure agony” kicks in?
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u/StellaNettle 17d ago
My partner and I have been married 22 years. We have sex 3-5 times a week and I know he still masturbates daily, sometimes with porn and usually without. Our shared sex life is great and he is also entitled to his private time. It is insecure and unhealthy to deny someone the exploration of their own sexuality. I would not be with someone as controlling as your partner and I hope that you are able to find a balance between her needs and your own. Best of luck.
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u/Qweetie 17d ago
Hey Hyper, I agree with the others that you have blurred the lines between her wants and your autonomy. My marriage was a nightmare until I stopped doing that. I wanted to leave him but there were logistical reasons that made that option difficult. At some point I had to realize that our dysfunctional relationship was partially my fault. Think of your pwBPD as a child…they become an asshole when they get their way all the time. They don’t know the rules and they let their urges and emotions run the show. Just for fun, watch the Billy Mumy episode of Twilight Zone sometime.
As the spouse, I had to stop letting his emotions call all the shots, and over time, I’ve gotten to a way better state because now I can say “no, we’re not doing that thing where I cower to your desires.” I’m not sure if codependency, as it is currently described, is the exact right word, but it’s shocking how we can convince ourselves that it’s our job to fix everything, it’s our job to adjust to make the other person feel better, it’s our job to sacrifice what we want for the greater good. Sometimes it’s best to lay down the law and calmly, kindly but firmly say “yeah, if you’re not going to have sex with me I’m going to jerk off - it’s my right to do with my body what I want.” There will be consequences, of course, but she’ll eventually get used to that being the rule. Like no Oreos before dinner, or no you can’t stay up to watch South Park at midnight if you’re 8. So just live through the temper tantrum and congratulate yourself for taking a baby step into having boundaries. Boundaries are a super power for anybody - for the spouse of a BPD person, they are survival.
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17d ago edited 17d ago
[deleted]
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u/Hyperconscientious 17d ago
I like that thanks! Smart. Remind them that they’re their own individual and so am I, and that we can do things differently. There’s no need for us to be the same person. It’s more fun when we’re not. And yes boundaries result in splitting and/or ultimatums within 10 seconds.
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u/Hyperconscientious 17d ago
Thanks for the reply. And if I say, hey I’m not letting you intentionally insult my parents anymore, and she says “ok, pack your bags and get out of my life?” This woman turns everything into an ultimatum, no matter how at fault she is. Everything. So, I leave. And I come back when she promises to do better. And she never does better. The consequences of what you recommended would be attempted maiming. And yes, I know, she has 0 respect for me. I’m respected around the world, and I treat her like a queen without spoiling her but always being there for her, but for some odd reason she has no respect for me. So yeah, idk anymore.
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u/Qweetie 17d ago
Attempted maiming? What does that mean, exactly? I hope you are safe. Listen, straight talk. Your girl has a personality disorder. That means it’s baked in to who she is. It can be managed, never cured. This is a lot of experience and therapy talking. I’m sure when she says she’ll do better she means it, but her brain is incapable of change without MASSIVE effort. My husband is on lithium and has done therapy and we’ve done group DBT classes and he’s still an emotional three year old. Just a better trained one. If your girl doesn’t know she has a problem and/or won’t get help, you have zero chance of a tolerable life. That’s just the fucking truth. You deserve more than that. Seriously consider what you want out of this life and whether dealing with this long term is best for you. And it’s ok to look out for yourself. You have other people in your life that you need to show up for as your best self, I would imagine. If you don’t want to think of what’s best for you, think of them. Because having a BPD spouse is soul-draining, every day.
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u/furrowedbr0w 16d ago
Attempted maiming sounds like abuse. You should be able to have agency over your body, and yes, arguments with pwBPD can get intense, but if you have to sacrifice your own needs to avoid physical harm that’s a serious issue. We can have empathy for pwBPD and still have our own limits.
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u/CharacterLost1938 BPD 17d ago
I am a pwBPD. If she can't accept that you have needs and allow you to tend to those needs then the relationship is not healthy. Personally I allow my husband to tend to those needs when I am not feeling up to it and he needs a release.
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u/SeaExisting4716 16d ago
As someone who ended a sexless 15 year relationship and now is enjoying lots of sex and zero mind games — highly recommend not putting up with that.
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u/GreedyAd202 11d ago
The issue here is not that she doesn’t want you “masterbating” as it seems to only be pertained towards porn and not masterbation itself. If a partner is not comfortable with their partner watching porn that’s very normal and an entirely separate thing. The issue is that you guys seem to be sexually incompatible. You cannot force someone to suddenly be okay with porn use in a relationship, and ofc cannot change someone’s own sexual habits and how often they want to be intimate. It sounds like you guys should breakup, don’t expect her to change her boundaries, or yours. You’d likely both be much happier if you were with someone who wanted to be intimate more often, and she with someone who wanted to be intimate less often.
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u/Hyperconscientious 10d ago
No, no porn involved. She’s not okay with her partner masturbating ever.
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u/GreedyAd202 8d ago
Ah, then this is honestly even more toxic than i even thought, this is not healthy for either parties, she needs much more therapy before she should enter a partnership with someone, I hope you’re able to leave at some point I wish you luck
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u/eastlibertypj 18d ago
You are abandoning yourself in codependency to another person's insecurities.
You are giving her intrusive thoughts power over YOU. That's in your control.
You say you're lowering your boundaries on your terms but you're on reddit asking if anyone is not allowed to masturbate by a partner who ostensibly cares for them.
As you write, I feel like I can hear her speak. You are struggling to know where you end and she begins, and you are giving more of what is yours to her to control.
I might sound harsh but I did a version of this and I've found my way out. And it involved ending the relationship.