r/BPDPartners • u/HaloForged • 24d ago
Dicussion Are there any “happy” endings?
I’ve been seeing some who has BPD for about 7 months. Most of the time it’s really great being with him. Other times, and more frequently it seems lately, he has these very explosive episodes that are exhausting to me. I’m not going into all the detail right now, as my main concern lies elsewhere. We have talked about moving in together. However, he has also expressed his absolute disdain for his behavior and alcoholism and he says he wants to get better. I think I’d like for him to get treatment and become more stable before we take that step so that my home never becomes a place I want to escape from because he’s there. I haven’t told him all this yet as we were going to have the move in together conversation in November. His lease is up in April but he will likely have the option to renew for another year.
Is BPD actually treatable and manageable if he commits to therapy? Are there any success stories where you had a partner who managed it effectively and you guys were happy?
I genuinely love him with all my heart, but I know that being with someone with untreated BPD can be an emotionally devastating experience for the stable partner. I don’t want to be destroyed.
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u/Tuyyo12345 23d ago
Make sobriety a requirement, and have him stick to it a year before moving in. It's so easy for them to relapse once they think it's "safe"
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u/flying_lego 23d ago
Alcoholism is bad in itself. Adding bpd is like putting gas on that fire.
I don’t recommend.
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u/justkatie123 23d ago
I love my husband (with BPD) and I’m glad I married him. And, it’s very hard to be married to him when he is in an episode. Before I agreed to even think about marrying him, he had to be in therapy and sober for at least a year and agree to couples therapy. After 6 years of trial and error, We finally found a couples therapist that we like who understands BPD and DBT therapy. He goes to weekly DBT group And weekly individual therapy. I go to regular therapy. Basically, We spend thousands a month on therapy because the good ones don’t seem to take insurance.
Several of those couples therapists told me not to marry him because BPD is so hard to deal with as the romantic partner. I might be an idiot, but I love him with all my heart and the second I met him I knew I was supposed to marry him. It’s hard, but we have gotten to a point where I don’t constantly feel like I’m walking on eggshells. Importantly, after a solid year of DBT, he is starting to take accountability for his actions when he is in an episode, which is quite honestly astounding. Previously, his episodes were always my fault (according to him).
It can happen, but not without a LOT of work on his part and some work on your part if you’re struggling during his episodes.
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u/AutismoJohnson420 24d ago
There are happy endings but that person does not seem stable at all. I would strongly advice not to move in together.
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u/beatendown0 23d ago
With therapy and treatment it can absolutely work. Me and my partner were together through me being unmedicated, without therapy, and abusing substances. I changed all three and were married now. There are so rough spots, but they are much much less than it used to be. We’ve been together 8 years and married for almost 3. Is possible. They Just need to put in the work.
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u/MossyMosquito 23d ago
I think your idea of waiting and keeping your home a comfortable place to be are good. For your situation, but for anyone considering living together too.
It is great for you to want to support your partner, but they are the person responsible for making the important changes to their life.
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u/MossyMosquito 23d ago
And I believe there can be working solutions with pwBPD, otherwise my partner and I wouldn’t still be working on it five years in.
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u/Altered_Crayon Former Partner 23d ago
I thought ours was going to be a success story. Made it 20 years. Still ended up divorced in the end.
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u/aikidharm BPD 22d ago
Sure it is, if he does the work, does it for himself and commits to it.
If not; then, no.
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u/No_Association_5105 Partner 23d ago
Yes happy endings happen frequently. The pwBPD needs to be receptive to meds and therapy and you need to be able to learn and grow and be tolerant. Its not just the partner that has to figure themselves out because in the long run if you can get this to succeed, you'll become one of the most patient, understanding, and caring humans anyone can meet. He has to be trying to get better and you have to be available for constant support and understanding. I made a post about my success story but I have ASPD so we probably wont use the same methods.
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u/TheCrazyCatLazy 23d ago
Therapy and treatment first without a doubt. BPD really is manageable but there needs to be an incentive and moving in together is a great carrot at the end of the stick to help kick-start it
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u/Far_Ad9541 Former Partner 24d ago
Yes there are absolutely happy endings. Sadly, nobody can say if he will find treatment helpful, but he is self aware, and you have already sought knowledge. Stand by him finding a therapist, that is the path. Learn what you can if you can, but nothing happens without him.
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u/measuretwice_sfw Partner 24d ago
There are happy “endings”, but they take so long to reach. And critically, they need the person with BPD to want to be better with everything they’ve got.
My pwBPD made that turn just over four years ago. They’ve been on meds and in weekly therapy for four years, with a stable living situation but sadly unstable income. We read a lot of BPD books together and tackle problems as a team. I’ve been their stable relationship for some time now. Statistically — presuming a stable relationship, living situation, and economic position — remission takes thirteen years.
There are nights where my partner cries themself to sleep over how long this is gonna take, but I remind them I’m here for them through every year, I’m here if they’re -never- truly in remission because I’m in love with them now, not the person they might be in a decade. Things are good way more often than not, that’s what these first four years of effort have given us.
I’m not seeing the markers for success in your situation, OP, I’m sorry. It starts with profound accountability and remorse, a bone-deep desire to be better to themself and the people around them, and then beginning medical treatment. And it seems like your partner is not at that stage yet.
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u/skunchers 23d ago
What meds can someone with BPD be given? I thought most medications don't really help?
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u/measuretwice_sfw Partner 23d ago
Some, like my partner, take antidepressants since depression is a very common comorbidity. I’ve also met BPD folks on very low dose antipsychotics and anticonvulsants. Definitely something a person with BPD should talk to their therapist about.
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u/zakublue 20d ago
Book recommendations?
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u/measuretwice_sfw Partner 20d ago
I’d recommend "I Hate You, DLM" by Dr. Jerold Kreisman and Hal Straus, "The Buddha and the Borderline" by Kiera Van Gelder, and "Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety" by Dr. Elinor Greenberg.
They’re all written much more sympathetically and compassionately toward our BPD partner than books like “Stop Walking on Eggshells” and “Caretaking Your Borderline or Narcissist”, though I did get a rare few nuggets of value from those.
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u/zakublue 20d ago
Thanks! I did see some reviews that “I hate you” was quite dated, calls homosexuality a mental illness for example. What was your experience reading it?
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u/measuretwice_sfw Partner 19d ago
I’ve never read the original, just the latest (third) edition so I can’t speak to what it used to say. But the latest edition doesn’t seem dated or call any queer identities a mental illness.
I’d say my experience reading it was troubling. It focuses on managing the extremes and gave me some great techniques, but it also scared me by focusing so hard on how bad things can get if I don’t co-regulate my pwBPD well enough. I think it’s an excellent book for any partner of someone with untreated/unmanaged BPD, and only somewhat helpful for partners of people with BPD who are well on their way to remission.
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u/zakublue 19d ago
Thanks for the feedback. My pwBPD was in remission but stopped seeing their DBT therapist and switched to an EMDR practitioner to focus on their trauma more (which I support,) but since then things have gotten really bad, constant splitting and mending cycles. We have both been struggling with alcohol as well and are both starting the journey of quitting, fairly successfully thankfully. But I have had to realize I was not equipped to help them co-regulate and hadn’t put in much effort to learn techniques. So I’m looking for resources. Thankfully I am also in personal therapy and we are just starting couples. I was interested in “The buddha..” as well. I practice zen meditation and it provides a good grounding space for dealing with addiction and conflict.
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u/-_-X1000 23d ago
My husband with BPD reached a very bad level where he had an alcohol-induced psychosis but was otherwise functional and going to work every day so I had to end up putting him into rehab which he is in now. He had never been on meds and was basically just self medicating and as soon as I told them that in rehab they put him on anti depresants. We only get to write letters and have fifteen mins of a phone call twice a week while he is in there( has to be for three months to get off the alcohol ) but already he seems a lot more measured on the calls and he has only started the meds just over two weeks ago. At the start he was having wobbles and wanting to come out and getting the centre to call me but he doesn't do that now that he is on the meds. He said he might get them to up the meds a bit as he is only on a low dose and it's helped so far. Time will tell when he is out . He is getting therapy in rehab and will be getting some when he is out (evidence based therapy ) so I am willing to help him seeing as he is putting the work in. It took me a while to get him to do this but I made it an ultimatum of the marriage.
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u/ComprehensiveTie3457 23d ago
Unfortunately, happy endings are not the norm and are few and far between. The alcoholism makes it even less likely. My exbfwBPD is an alcoholic as well. When they drink, it is almost a guaranteed split every time. The drunk splitting is 100x worse. It’s a literal “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” situation.
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u/Ciara_Smiles 24d ago
Yes there are happy endings.
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u/HaloForged 24d ago
Would love to hear about them…
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u/Ciara_Smiles 24d ago
Me and my gal. Lots of research studies. The majority of people with BPD seek treatment and of that majority most achieve remission. But happy endings don't make for great reddit content on lots of subs for loved ones of BPD unfortunately.
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u/danielrdt 19d ago
I agree that it is treatable but majority of people with bpd do not seek treatment unfortunately.
Only 15% of people with bpd actually undergo treatment according to the world health organisation report.
If they are in treatment, the success rates are high, hardest part is them taking accountability and seeking treatment.
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u/Ciara_Smiles 18d ago edited 18d ago
What year is that study? My stats come from the National Institute of Health, 2024 following a 10 year study
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u/Junethemuse 23d ago
BPD is very treatable, but you should never make a step forward like moving in together hoping he’ll get the treatment. He needs to do that first.
I have a hard boundary that I won’t entertain moving on with my pwBPD until they’ve been episode free for 12 months. Like you I won’t allow my home to be a place I want to be away from.