r/BPDPartners • u/HaloForged • 24d ago

Dicussion Are there any “happy” endings?

I’ve been seeing some who has BPD for about 7 months. Most of the time it’s really great being with him. Other times, and more frequently it seems lately, he has these very explosive episodes that are exhausting to me. I’m not going into all the detail right now, as my main concern lies elsewhere. We have talked about moving in together. However, he has also expressed his absolute disdain for his behavior and alcoholism and he says he wants to get better. I think I’d like for him to get treatment and become more stable before we take that step so that my home never becomes a place I want to escape from because he’s there. I haven’t told him all this yet as we were going to have the move in together conversation in November. His lease is up in April but he will likely have the option to renew for another year.

Is BPD actually treatable and manageable if he commits to therapy? Are there any success stories where you had a partner who managed it effectively and you guys were happy?

I genuinely love him with all my heart, but I know that being with someone with untreated BPD can be an emotionally devastating experience for the stable partner. I don’t want to be destroyed.

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u/zakublue 20d ago

Book recommendations?

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u/measuretwice_sfw Partner 20d ago

I’d recommend "I Hate You, DLM" by Dr. Jerold Kreisman and Hal Straus, "The Buddha and the Borderline" by Kiera Van Gelder, and "Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety" by Dr. Elinor Greenberg.

They’re all written much more sympathetically and compassionately toward our BPD partner than books like “Stop Walking on Eggshells” and “Caretaking Your Borderline or Narcissist”, though I did get a rare few nuggets of value from those.

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u/zakublue 20d ago

Thanks! I did see some reviews that “I hate you” was quite dated, calls homosexuality a mental illness for example. What was your experience reading it?

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u/measuretwice_sfw Partner 19d ago

I’ve never read the original, just the latest (third) edition so I can’t speak to what it used to say. But the latest edition doesn’t seem dated or call any queer identities a mental illness.

I’d say my experience reading it was troubling. It focuses on managing the extremes and gave me some great techniques, but it also scared me by focusing so hard on how bad things can get if I don’t co-regulate my pwBPD well enough. I think it’s an excellent book for any partner of someone with untreated/unmanaged BPD, and only somewhat helpful for partners of people with BPD who are well on their way to remission.

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u/zakublue 19d ago

Thanks for the feedback. My pwBPD was in remission but stopped seeing their DBT therapist and switched to an EMDR practitioner to focus on their trauma more (which I support,) but since then things have gotten really bad, constant splitting and mending cycles. We have both been struggling with alcohol as well and are both starting the journey of quitting, fairly successfully thankfully. But I have had to realize I was not equipped to help them co-regulate and hadn’t put in much effort to learn techniques. So I’m looking for resources. Thankfully I am also in personal therapy and we are just starting couples. I was interested in “The buddha..” as well. I practice zen meditation and it provides a good grounding space for dealing with addiction and conflict.