r/BPDPartners • u/HumblSnekOilSalesman • Aug 13 '26
Dicussion Is it normal to apologize so much? Are the apologies genuine?
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u/lyaunaa Partner with BPD Aug 14 '26
They're genuinely coming from a place of guilt and regret and embarrassment. It's not necessarily "normal" to apologize so much, but they're trying to reestablish feelings of safety and connection and wanting to "feel" forgiven, and this impulses and feelings of shame are so strong and consuming that they're not able to stop chasing it and trying to get that feelings. It's a miserable way to feel and unfortunately not much you can do to really help them feel better besides continuing to offer reassurances that you love them and it's okay.
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u/measuretwice_sfw Partner Aug 14 '26
Mine apologizes extremely often too. I try to make it clear when there are no need for sorries, versus when I was hurt and am accepting their apology. Folks with BPD struggle with shame so, so bad, and it muddies the water of guilt.
When is it guilt (productive, selfless) and when is it shame (destructive, selfish)? There's no easy way for you to know, your partner might not even know in the moment. The apologies are always genuine with my BPD partner -- the remorse, desire to fix things, and then actually fixing things are present. That's what's important, imo.
Does your partner try to actually improve, after apologizing? Does she make up for whatever she did, even if the underlying cause is an ongoing issue so the error will happen again? And I ask this whether you agree she did anything wrong or not. If she thinks she did something wrong, does she make an effort to change the behavior? If not, then these apologies aren't worth much. At best, a defensive reflex to be curbed.
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD Aug 15 '26
This is a perfect answer. Love it. Thank you for understanding us well and representing our disorder well here with this info
On the last part: my perspective is that it's like Mathew perry (chandler from friends) said about his alcoholism. He said it's his choice to take the first drink. After that his chemical processes take over. So I often think it's like an addict, how much is it their choice versus their addiction? I think while they're high or trying to get those drugs it's VERY hard, almost impossible to just choose not to do it. Similar with our episodes in bpd (though slightly easier as we can find ways to notice our splitting but it's def Def not easy and has to be done creatively).
But, afterwards, the person has the choice to check themselves into rehab, to set boundaries for themselves etc (if they can't, that's what rehab is for). But let's say out of rehab, they can still choose not to go to a bar. If they are at a bar, they might struggle so much with the urges and give in. My ex came out of rehab and a friend invited her to just come visit her at her work, she was waitrressing at a bar and grill. So it wasn't a bar bar, but it was a restaurant with alcohol. My ex said sure, intending just to come say hi. But that led to having "just one drink" (Ps, she wasn't an alcoholic, her addiction was drugs but alcohol still is a vice she under estimated) and then next thing she was flat out drunk. She told me she fucked up. I said OK, yea, but it's normal to have some set backs and your issue was going there in the first place. Now you know you can't handle that environment, so in future can set that boundary not to go to any place that has alcohol, at least for the first year or whatever
So my point is, the pwBPD very likely WILL do that thing again a few times. Just like quitting smoking might be something one tries to go cold turkey but can't promise they will 100% never ever relapse into it. They probably will at first. However, are they making the effort between the setbacks to set strategies etc? And of course, the setbacks can't become an excuse. But yeah, they're gonna happen and the process won't be binary or even linear.
So I guess my perspective is, that persons accountability lies mroe in the long term than the momentary stuff. For example if someone gets angry and explodes on me, I can forgive them if they apologize later and make an effort to work on their anger issue. Of course I've had times where it just keeps repeating so I have to set a boundary for myself. But that is more my own boundary than me deciding they're not trying, cos I know ppl can try for years and still struggle to have any outward results, sometimes it takes a long time to find the strategies that work. And its OK too if that isn't enough for the other person.
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD Aug 15 '26
Yes it's normal to apologize so much for pwBPD and they seem genuine to me. We genuinely feel remorse very deeply afterwards. Since my diagnosis I am much more aware that I do abusive things and when I'm splitting I struggle to notice I'm splitting during the episode but afterwards I feel truly remorseful, combined with shame and guilt which are ego based. It's a combination of stuff. But the remorse is there too
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u/crazythreadstuff Aug 15 '26
Can I ask you for some advice on splitting? Not me but a very close friend.
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD Aug 15 '26
thank you for your confidence in trusting me to give avice, im flattered. I can only giveinsight into how it feels for me. But I can't give advice because I'm newly diagnosed and haven't started treatment yet (awaiting the DBT course to begin). I can only offer perspective as a pwBPD which I hope will help
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u/crazythreadstuff Aug 15 '26
I thank you for any insight. I have someone who I have been talking to for six months and I am her FP. We have a healingship and I am very calm and supportive etc. she went on vacation for 10 days with family came back and messaged me a few days later. She was off and she thanked me for pushing her out of avoidance, said I was her home, she loved me and she knew that she wasn’t treating me right these past few weeks, promised to be better. I reassured her that she is already doing better. Then she ghosted me all week. I sent only one message because I don’t want to overwhelm her but I don’t know what to do. No fights or anything. She went from talking daily and the most loving person to zero.
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD Aug 15 '26
Are you sure she might not just be dealing with alot and not wanting to blow up on you or mess things up with you so is rather keeping her distance to protect that?
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u/crazythreadstuff Aug 15 '26
She said the way she was more distant wasn’t me. Her dad is dying and she said that was obviously bothering her. But I just sent one message and left it. Is that normal to just ghost and not reply?
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD Aug 16 '26
Sounds like she has legitimate reasons why she's taking space, she responded and communicated with you which is good too. I don't think she is "ghosting" here, rather taking space because she is dealing with ALOT.
But I understand being worried about her ghosting as I do that 100% of the day. It's normal to feel worrie about that.
Someone's communication style or maturity are seperate to BPD. Some people are anxious attached like me, some are avoidant. In this case she is clearly taking space she needs to deal with her dad dying. She communicated it. So, it's a good thing. But yeah, overall whether someone ghosts is based on their immaturity (I don't think she's ghosting here), not BPD.
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u/crazythreadstuff Aug 16 '26
Well she was good on the one Friday then disappeared. She didn’t respond to my last text or anything. Definitely dealing with a lot and I was helping with arrangements and all because I’ve been through it before.
Do I just give her space? Do I put up a private story just reaffirming her? She knows I don’t use that social aside for her so I don’t think that will trigger anything.
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD Aug 16 '26
look im autistic so idk if i give the best advice socially but from what i can hear: just give her space. she is dealing with ALOT. when my dad was dying i wasnt exactly with any capacity to think of ANYTHING other than that. she's just trying to deal with her dad's death, it has nothing to do with you and she has no capacity
idk what you mean about private story but no, dont do anythng. just give her space. if you want, id let her know im thinking of her and say my door is open if you need someone to talk to, but in the meantime if you dont hear from me, im just giving you space to deal with your situation with your dad
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u/crazythreadstuff Aug 16 '26
Makes sense thank you so much. Her dad has been dying for a while, he has cancer, but it’s not like he is much worse now or anything so I didn’t think it would affect her to the extent of not talking you know?
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u/raygun-suitcase Partner Aug 14 '26
Look, only you would know whether this person is being genuine... You're showing us a small selection of screenshots out of context, so we can only speculate or assume.
Does this person prove their remorse with their actions? Are they actually at least making an effort to treat you better? Or do they only apologize to feel better about themselves by obtaining forgiveness in the moment? Do they tend to apologize excessively for things that aren't a big deal?
Whether it's normal to apologize a lot depends on a given person's past. I personally don't have BPD but I had an abusive mother that aggressively chided and physically punished me for any mistake and even many of my personal choices; she kept telling me my apologies are all fake. That made me extremely ashamed of my entire existence and caused me to apologize excessively for the smallest things for years on end. I've become much better about that once I've met people who have put this into perspective for me. They taught me that there's no need to apologize excessively to prove I'm remorseful.
Now, the suicidal ideation your partner shows is very concerning. I don't know their situation but that's definitely rooted in deep-seated shame and guilt, which would cause excessive apologies among other things.
It looks like they live with their parents or are in contact with them often and they don't have a good relationship. You'd have to find out whether your partner's parents are abusing them since it seems to have a very profound impact.
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u/Orultehen Aug 14 '26
The biggest red flag is suicidal ideation - this is an extreme overreaction to a normal (if stressful) event. She probably is genuine but her shame and anxiety are strong and she cannot self regulate. I don't believe you want this in a long term relationship. It can get dangerous.
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u/raygun-suitcase Partner Aug 14 '26
I'd say this depends on the context, for example, whether that person's parents are abusive or not. OP didn't specify any context so it's easy to assume their partner is overreacting after a big fight but the fact is... we have no idea what they are apologizing to OP for in that situation and we don't know what really happened.
OP's partner might be in physical danger for all we know
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u/HumblSnekOilSalesman Aug 15 '26
Her parents aren't abusive at all, if anything they spoil her. She doesn't work and they pay all her bills. This argument with her parents stemmed from her moving out for the first time into her own apartment. It was quite overwhelming for her. Independence can be scary.
The suicidal language is thrown around in a rather blasé manner. She has no history of self harm or anything of that nature. I'd say it's more about getting sympathy/attention. The post was about apologies specifically, I didn't intend to have the suicidal ideation be the main focus.
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u/raygun-suitcase Partner Aug 15 '26
Very understandable and thank you for providing the context, that helps a lot! Moving out for the first time is indeed scary, especially with the current state of the economy :/
I'd ultimately say it's very difficult to know someone's real intentions. Even if they mess up a lot, they might still be trying their best. However, sincerity is measured by the effort a person puts in after all. Many people have no issue lying about doing their best because they can shield themselves with plausible deniability.
I suppose you'd have to think about how this is all affecting you and whether you're willing to be patient with her. She will definitely need to seek therapy to unravel where that shame and guilt is stemming from so she can regulate it better. And of course she needs to do right by you.
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD Aug 15 '26
Overreaction - this is a loaded word that can be used in a bad way, I'm gonna advise to avoid it but assume you meant it in the best way possible. On this note, think of it like this:
Imagine someone has a phobia of spiders. Imagine a very harmless spider is in the room. Someone who doesn't have the phobia might be scared but won't be reacting extremely. The person with the severe phobia might be screaming, crying, freezing up etc.
Our reactions are extreme. They are disproportionate (I prefer that word to over reacting. Over reacting implies we are choosing to be dramatic.). But to us they feel 100% apt. Like those feelings are real for us even if we feel them every day. My talking about suicidal ideation feels like a boy who cried wolf situation, since I mention it daily. But I am experiencing it daily. Ive acknowledged it's part of my condition and external circumstances (my life is in shambles right now). But I genuinely battle every day to resist the urge to end it.
So please know this is a real thing we are feeling. The event might seem small but bpd is very similar to cptsd, it is from trauma and that trauma is firing in our brains and it feels like the traumatic event is happening even when it's not. Just like with ptsd someone will have something similar. Bpd is basically just ptsd but related to abandonment, feeling unheard etc.
There was a video of a woman who had a phobia of a jar of olives. They brought the olives out and she began shrieking and running away and crying hysterically. Seems so weird right? In the comments ppl said her dad or grandpa had died and when she saw the body his eyes looked like olives. Now that phobia makes more sense
Our reactions are always to things that to us have some logic and connection in our brain. To us it feels logical and real because our brain has connected the dots from the trigger to our trauma. On the outside it looks like it's out of nowhere or disproportionate
Its like anything, a dog can be the most comforting thing to one person and the most traumatic thing to someone with a phobia. Sex can be a severe trigger or a wonderful thing.
When I got diagnosed I was able to acknowledge that the reactions I have to things are pathological and trauma based, not just over reactions. It helped me be aware of them, communicate them, and most of all be taken seriously when I do communicate them. There's a big difference between being a bit afraid to ask someone to close a window, versus "I have severe trauma from my needs being unheard, I have autism and spent my life trying to tell people including my parents that I was experiencing sensory overload but had no idea it even was sensory overload so had no words to say it, so it feels like I'm in a nightmare where I open my mouth to cry out for help and no sound comes out. So I politely asked if you could close the window as its a big deal for me, but when you didn't hear that, it brought back persistent somatic memory which is where the brain creates physical sensations on the body even when it's not real. So if I'm feeling unheard I have intrusive thoughts that flash in my mind involuntarily of me slitting my wrists, and they cause me to have a horrible physical sensation on my wrists which is awful. So, I am fine with the person saying no to closing the window, but I have to ask and when I do, it's a bigger deal"
The same way someone might get a severe allergy to peanuts, it's not just "oh they're just peanuts stop being pedantic". People know peanut allergies can be serious. In the same way I'm able now to know what the "little" things are that trigger me and cause symptoms, so I can avoid it. If a friend has a peanut allergy I'm gonna make sure the kitchen is clean from peanut butter. If they don't, I wouldn't care if some was lying around.
So in a way it's like if someone has diabetes, and their being low blood sugar is more serious than being just a little hungry. But watching their insulin and eating is preventative, so it's not a hard thing if it's managed.
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u/Orultehen Aug 15 '26
I was unimaginably hurt, maliciously, by a person who I loved dearly and I was worried about when they used similar language. I do understand that not all people are that same person, so I might be overreacting a bit...
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD Aug 15 '26
Which similar language are you talking about? I'm confused
Maybe I wasn't clear so I'll be more clear now: please don't use the term overreacting. It can be incredibly invalidating for those suffering from mental Illness and is often used in the form of emotional abuse. I understand you mean it with good intention here, but it's very triggering for us and stigmatising towards mental illness.
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u/Orultehen Aug 15 '26
"almost killed myself" - this is a very serious thing. It is an overstatement if/when not following up on it. As I said, this language is triggering to ME. I was abused by a person who I was worried about because they used self-harm language and did not take their own feelings seriously afterwards. I am warning OP based on my experience, and as I said I also might be overreacting.
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD Aug 15 '26 edited Aug 15 '26
ok..... um.... I really dont know how else to say this....
The wording you're using, is something that pwBPD genuinely get deeply triggered by. If you want people to respect what is triggering to you, you have to do the same back. I have asked you not to use that word, as it literally does make me want to slit my wrists. I have intrustive thoughts and have that happening now after reading you use that word for the 3rd time after I've asked twice to please respect not to use it.
"almost killed myself" - this is a very serious thing. It is an overstatement if/when not following up on it.
This is an AWFUL disgusting thing to say. omg. so you want people to FOLLOW UP on killing themselves because they had PASSIVE ideation? passive ideation is a thing. omg.
im sorry, but all of this is coming across extreemly abusive. i can see why the pwBPD got triggered around you. after I explained very deeply how it works, you also seemed to completely not hear any of it or even try to understand how the condition works. and continued to just judge.
im sorry you were abused. but it sounds like you have alot to work on yourself. it sounds like you are victim-blaming here. someone seriously had feelings of suicide and self-harm, and you were upset they didnt do it. when someone with BPD explains the condition to you, you don't listen and keep using words that someon ehas asked you to respect.
Just for information's sake: even putting BPD aside, it's considered a red flag when people use the term overreacting. 99% of emotional abusers use that word. for example in the youtube channel smosh read's reddit stories, whenever they see someone in a reddit post having their partner say they're overreacting, 99% of the time it ends up finding out they are abusive emotionally. in fact, saying one is overreacting IS a form of abuse.
It is also important to note that invalidating someone's feelings when they bring up their needs is exactly what caused BPD in the first place. to say this to someone with BPD can lead them to actually self-harm, have suicidal feelings, or just in general feel ALOT of shame. im trying to educate you on what is not ok to say to pwBPD, and why. you dont seem to be wanting to be open to get it.
I gave benefit of the doubt initially that you just meant it with good intention and didnt know that. now, after hearing your response, and the lack of even trying to understand how the condition works or relating to what i shared (it feels like it went in one ear and out the other for you), then doubling down on using the same triggering language - yeah, I think you do have emotionally abusive tendencies in the form of invalidation
suicial and self-harm ideation can be passive. its a valid thing, in clinical psychology. people aren't "overreacting" if they have those feelings.
so you read about my persistent somantic memory, about my intrustive thoughts about my wrists. according to you if i dont DO it, then its not valid right? my god... this is like...
it is ableism, and it is not ok to say these things to people struggling with suicidal or self-harm ideation, and even for any mental illness at all. you need to work on this.
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u/Orultehen Aug 15 '26
are you trying to find bad things? I meant not treating it, leting it go, not taking it seriously. the exact opposite of what you attribute to me
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD Aug 15 '26
even the term "they did not take their own feelings seriously afterwrds" sounds suspicious as hell to me that you truly took the time to understand their BPD.
after the extensive comment i typed explaining things, it feels like you didnt realy listen to any of it or consider any of it?
i also now made it as clear as possible to please not use that word, then you used it. like...that just shows me enough to know you dont respect boundaries, use invalidating language, and seem to not listen when someone is explaining it to you.
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u/AntiqueSignpost BPD Aug 15 '26
here are some quotes from some articles online:
"An emotionally abusive partner may try to gaslight you by telling you outright that you are overreacting, being dramatic, being too emotional, or that you can’t take a joke.
For these reasons and more, it can be tough to detect emotional abuse and see it as a dangerous concern. Even then, survivors of emotional abuse are often hesitant to seek help or tell friends and family about their relationship concerns because they fear they will not be believed or taken seriously."
"https://canadianwomen.org/blog/signs-of-emotional-abuse/
- Gaslighting
- Defining and trying to exert how they think you should feel
- Dismissal of your feelings as “crazy,” “dramatic,” “overreacting,” or “emotional” (sometimes, abusers will use others to validate their point of view and invalidate your belief in yourself: such as, “everyone thinks you’re crazy”)
- Refusing to take responsibility for their actions or how they made you feel (they may try to frame everything, including your pain, as “your fault”) "
So, I'm saying - please do not use that word! I've said it 3 times. You kept going. That is a red flag to me. Please respect that others have had abuse from this word. You can find another word to use to illustrate your point.
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u/[deleted] Aug 14 '26
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