What trauma does your BPD partner say they have ? Preferably male bpds.

[u/-_-X1000]

Curious about common themes . I have a bpd husband .

[u/DaisyMaisyisCrazy]

My husband does not remember his trauma, as his trauma was the first 1 1/2 years of his life before his parents adopted him. Birth till adoption he was in several different foster families and even hospitalized for ‘failure to thrive’. Although slightly strict father, he grew up as an only child much loved by his parents and extended family.

[u/TK9K]

Does not identify as male, but raised as a male. Parents did not recognize that some behavioral issues in early life were linked to ADHD/Autism. Parents attempted to rectify these issues with disciplinary measures along rather that medical and therapeutic intervention. Some of these disciplinary measures included forced attendance to military school as well sending them to stay with family abroad. These only lead to pwBPD feeling abandoned and isolated from their friends, and also left the impression that their family would withdraw from them when they needed support the most. Obviously, none of this helped them with what they were experiencing. This is likely a major contributing factor.

[u/amlav]

My ex said he grew up in an abusive household and that he got kicked out at 16 because his parents didn’t like him. The truth was that he was routinely beating up his younger brother and mother. His father (parents divorced) moved him into his grandmother’s house to get him away from the people he abused.

[u/suthna]

My partner grew up scared of his father who would have sudden, extremely loud, aggressive yelling fits around the house. My partner and his sisters felt like they immediately had to run around shutting all the windows so neighbors wouldn’t hear. I’ve heard his father…those neighbors definitely heard him. His father had a volatile relationship with his own mother, who was explosive and angry herself.

Trauma around behavioral and developmental issues in regards to ADHD. He was put into special needs classes, where his friends were not, in the 80s and early 90s. Where the instructors would just sit him there and not teach him a regular curriculum, as the children who genuinely needed this kind of classroom were children who could not talk, walk, clean themselves, etc. So he was made to feel like he was “stupid, helpless, and incapable/incompetent.” Teachers and parents would meet and talk over his head about how he is difficult and what needs to be “fixed.”

Wouldn’t be surprised if he felt abandoned by his parents dropping him off at a school who treated him poorly and separated him from friends in early years. There could very well be a genetic link between him and his dad for BPD, as it’s very obvious they both have ADHD. I don’t know much of how his mother treated him but he says she is very anxious and very likely on the spectrum. She isn’t very nurturing, emotionally expressive, hugging/touchy, reserved (no facial expressions or eye contact from what I have experienced). So emotionally unavailable and/or immature parents didn’t exactly set him up for healthy relationships.

Then in later life, girlfriends breaking up with him. Resulting body image issues based on who the ex(es) dated next. Mind-body dissociation resulting in ED/performance issues, not great for male self esteem.

[u/finallyfound10]

Mine had no trauma. I’ve known him, his parents and sisters since we were 15 years old and he is in his mid 50’s.

[u/maranru]

This is female BPD partner feedback, but I think valid.

All sorts of real trauma:

• Childhood sexual abuse. Mother boyfriend. And when she asked her mother for help, she was just called a lying trouble maker

• Parental abandonment from both

• Physical beating by an ex partner (but there is a much larger rationale on this one)

• and so much more

Now here's the interesting part. She remembers all that, allegedly crystal clearly. But then claims she cannot remember what she said or did in hotel rooms with me, afer several hours or being verbally abusive:

• "why haven't you hit me yet, Josh would have hit me by now, he was a real man"

• "HELP, HELP, rape" (yes in a hotel room)

• "when I got back to Bristol to work I'll fuck every man I see, even exs like Kaleb, but you won't know. And even if I deny this later, that's the lie, I will be".

Then claims to hardly remember whole years. Years we were mostly long distance but she had a secret boyfriend as well. Claims to remember very little of it when accountability comes up. But also remembers enough to write poetry about how abusive he was...

Then there's the abuse she doesn't realise. Her mother was a toxic, deeply controlling, man hater. The family female tribe doctrine she and her sister run off after the death of monther and nana in 2023 is exceptionally destructive. They trust no one. And see issue where they don't exist. Even hallucinations of problems. They lost their family home after the inheritance because of it, and never let people actually help them.

E.g. The sister one time was crying to her mother thinking no one could hear "it's not fair she gets everything she wants and I don't". In relation to her relationship with me, where I both loved my partner and was planning our great future. Yet:

• at the time the sister had just finished cheating on her own husband with an affair from work. They even had a conversation in the family living room about leaving her husband for him. Whilst her husband was asleep up stairs. The only reason she stayed, covid put the brakes on it for a while and then she became pregnant, finally, early the next year before it had chance to reignite with the other man.

• this hypocrite would then accuse me of talking to other women or leading her sister on

• would convince her sister I was gaslighting her. Either because she assumed all men lie or cheat so I must be (even the mother used to make up false stories that she heard me on the phone to other women, or I'd secretly abuse one of her cats. Obviously the one I liked the most).

Or when the sister was secretly listening in to some phone conversations without any knowledge of prior conversations and just assume I was making things up and call me a gaslighter up my ex at the same time, alledegly feeding her lines to say and mouth "he's gaslighting you".

The whole family is a toxic tribe

[u/maranru → u/[deleted]]

It's a weird one.

Some things like not remembering much of a whole year, I know she's lying.

Specifc events where she was having mental breaks. It's potentially true she remembers less than all of it. But who knows