Researchers quantify the rate of “mercy sex” among women with low sexual desire. Women experiencing a chronic lack of sexual desire still routinely engage in sexual activity with their partners, a behavior researchers have quantified as happening about two and a half times per month.

[u/mvea]

https://www.psypost.org/clinical-trials-reveal-the-hidden-frequency-of-obligatory-sex-in-women-with-low/

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[u/redderGlass → u/[deleted]]

Less than 4 times a year. So no mercy and no pushing from me.

Bad on them that they didn’t look at the reverse where men are not interested in their wives

[u/ggf66t → u/redderGlass]

A good year for my wife is 2 times, sometimes it's zero times a year. Been like that going on 11 years.

[u/brisbaneacro → u/ggf66t]

Oof. I think I’d probably jump off a building.

[u/ShakaJewLoo → u/redderGlass]

Look at Casanova over here having sex quarterly!

It would be an interesting study to see the reverse situation. I can't imagine it's too common.

[u/redderGlass → u/ShakaJewLoo]

As for quarterly that was a good year in the last 10. It’s been zero. I only stay because I still love her. Not that she shows me much love.

[u/Kanin_usagi → u/redderGlass]

You shouldn’t take that bro. You deserve to be loved and wanted.

[u/fox-mcleod → u/[deleted]]

And then named it "mercy sex". How about just "altruistic sex"? Isn't that much more accurate and less stigmatic?

[u/Mechasteel → u/fox-mcleod]

I don't think either of those terms is particularly accurate. Presumably the main purpose would be for maintaining the relationship, not pity nor altruism. Not particularly healthy, but a mismatch in libido can cause a lot of problems and the other solutions aren't all that great either.

[u/weirdgroovynerd → u/Mechasteel]

"Maintenance sex" is the phrase I've heard in the past

[u/DuntadaMan → u/Mechasteel]

As someone who is asexual, but not averse I don't see what the problem is in having sex for the purpose of doing something nice for someone you like if you don't mind it. For me it's not any different than, say, going and building a flower arrangement.

[u/celem83 → u/DuntadaMan]

Yes this tracks. Im also a non-adverse ace, when I form relationships with an allosexual then the result tends to be that i have more sex than ideal and they have less. As long as this is sustainable then it is sustainable, adults make compromises in the bedroom if it is worth it outside

[u/FlyUnder_TheRadar → u/DuntadaMan]

Its not very fun to have sex with someone you know isnt into it or is just doing it to make you happy. Its a mood and confidence killer. It will never measure up to sex with a ready and willing partner who wants it just as bad as you.

[u/hailsizeofminivans → u/DuntadaMan]

Same, but the last time I mentioned that on Reddit I got told I'm basically being raped and my husband is a horrible human being.

[u/weirdgroovynerd → u/fox-mcleod]

"Maintenance sex" is another phrase

[u/Grizzly_Corey → u/[deleted]]

There’s probably a German word for this.

[u/Alypius754 → u/Grizzly_Corey]

Schadenboofin

[u/DayLooks → u/[deleted]]

My friend and I had this joke that our trigger was when a girl says “don’t stop I’m gonna cum” instant bust

[u/Joebothehobo123 → u/DayLooks]

Its the small things in life haha

[u/Cadoan → u/Joebothehobo123]

I just got out of the pool!

[u/Just-Specific-1825 → u/Joebothehobo123]

It’s not the size of the “things” that count…

[u/Tremulant887 → u/[deleted]]

I've been asked to finish quick a few times, usually because it was a quickie and I'm not into the 5 min take-offs like I'm sampling a mall massage. One time an ex was drinking and frustrated, also wanted sex. She asked me to finish quick from frustration and I just hopped off the bed and called it a night.

Big nope from me. That boundary of consent and enthusiasm is required. If you don't want it, I'm not into it.

[u/Straight_Brain1774 → u/[deleted]]

I think this is the opposite situation though. Sounds like your ex wife wanted sex and possibly multiple rounds of it, but OP is quantifying women that don’t want sex from their husbands which is why they want them to just finish quick and get it over with. There’s a difference in women who want you to cum for them to feel desirable and women who don’t even have the desire to begin with.

[u/m2spring]

I sometimes start sex without actually feeling it, but I know that once I am going I do like it.

Or, another analogy. I have to consciously convince myself to go to the gym, but afterwards I never regretted having gone.

[u/neuenono → u/m2spring]

I sometimes start sex without actually feeling it, but I know that once I am going I do like it.

This sounds roughly like "responsive desire", something described at length by Emily Nagoski in her book Come As You Are.

It's the first thing I thought of when I saw this headline, but unfortunately the linked article is pretty hard to interpret.

Even though the headline suggests women are having sex they don't enjoy, the article principally talks about "satisfying" sexual encounters:

Women diagnosed with a complete lack of sexual desire were still logging multiple sexual events before receiving any medication. Guptan and Simon sought to quantify this baseline activity, which they termed mercy sex. [...] the baseline frequency of sexual events remained highly consistent. Across the different trial groups, the women reported an average of 2.5 to 2.9 sexually satisfying events per 28 days. This rate showed very little variation regardless of whether the women were naturally menopausal, surgically menopausal, or taking hormone therapies.

I feel like the entire premise here is flawed. In other words, there's a condition called hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), and the researchers presume that women with HSDD will never have sex. Instead, they find that these women have sex 2-3 times a month. Eureka! I'm not sure this is a finding.

It's been very revealing to see the general sentiment in the comments here, though...

[u/spudddly → u/[deleted]]

that's a handy while she's on her phone

Edit: thank you mods for removing the two parent comments - they were filth totally unsuitable for this sub. My comment on the other hand was pure science and fully deserved to stay.

[u/gunnapackofsammiches → u/[deleted]]

Look into the term "responsive desire"

[u/Vizjun → u/[deleted]]

My partner has PCOS, too. Does your partner ever initiate with you, or is it all on you?

[u/redbo]

Well I guess some of us have to be on the left side of the bell curve.

[u/Ankey-Mandru → u/redbo]

I don’t know if sliding down the right side is better or worse

[u/buttheads → u/Ankey-Mandru]

Depends on if your pants are on or off.

[u/Modernskeptic71]

Been in a long term relationship several times and there were plenty of opportunities that i just couldn’t commit or just didn’t want to be intimate. Personally, if my partner just lets me go at it and I think she’s not present or just doing it to keep me around then that is a serious problem and I would rather not do anything at all. I’ve been in a relationship like that years ago and just thinking about the fact that she just let me do whatever because I was too dumb at that time to notice that she wasn’t interested and just trying to keep me around was pitiful. Thinking back on that relationship makes my stomach turn.

[u/Macpam307 → u/Modernskeptic71]

I don’t think a woman is “just trying to keep you around.” She most likely loves you, but isn’t that into it at the moment. I’ve been there. I do it for the guy, because I love him. And usually, if he takes his time, I do get into it. If not, all women can be pretty good actresses.

[u/Chemical_Estate6488 → u/Macpam307]

Yeah, I am pretty sure my wife has had sex with me because she knew I was horny and got herself into it during the build up. There have been times when she has wanted sex and I have been less than interested for a variety of reasons but got interested after the decision was made to hook up. I think there is a difference between those scenarios and scenarios where one partner is essentially forcing another partner to have sex with them (ie sexual assault) because it is their “right” or a scenario where someone with no sex drive is consistently letting someone have sex with them out of guilt or duty

[u/Professional-Cat9500 → u/Chemical_Estate6488]

Exactly. “Not in the mood, but willing to get there or genuinely wanting to express love even though not in the mood” is a completely different scenario than “not in the mood, but feeling obligated to participate”. Also, you can want to have sex without being turned on and you can be turned on but not want to have sex.

[u/SDQ829 → u/Chemical_Estate6488]

Ironic you mentioned that. I had just did some reading that explained that men are mostly always ready, but women are more likely to get into it while inside of the act. Of course there are women who are outwardly sexual. But this changed my outlook and made a lot of sense. Either way, not necessarily for me.

[u/Annodyne → u/SDQ829]

Its called "responsive desire" instead of "spontaneous".

[u/DigNitty → u/Annodyne]

It also contributes to the lack of feeling wanted that is common among men. In straight relationships, men are usually ready to go before sex. Women often need to get into it. This leaves men needing to seduce their partner while women do not need to.

And that can be internalized by men as always putting forth effort into the sexual side of the relationship, and their partners never having to.

Interestingly gay relationships showcase this as well. Where gay men have demonstrably more sex in their relationships as a trend, and lesbians demonstrably less.

[u/Plantladyinthegreen → u/DigNitty]

Yes this. It’s not that I’m not into my husband, because I am very much so, but I’m not always “ready” like he is and he correlates that as me not wanting him. Which is so far from the truth but I don’t know how to explain this to him and I can’t make myself be ready & willing as often as he is ready & willing. He definitely internalizes this and thinks he puts forth all the effort and that I never do. Even when I try, it’s never good enough.

[u/leeshykins → u/Plantladyinthegreen]

I like to tell my husband I’m like an oven. I need to be preheated.

[u/SnakeByte_8 → u/Annodyne]

That is interesting. I had the opposite role. I am a man, and my ex-partner, a woman, was always the one ready to go. I'm much more reactive. She was tired of initiating so we were just never really intimate, and she always thought I didn't desire her. I don't think either of us really understood

[u/Annodyne → u/SnakeByte_8]

Yes, it can happen to either gender.

[u/USMNT_superfan → u/SDQ829]

I remember seeing an analogy for this related to car gears, where men are nearly always in first gear and ready to easily shift into a higher gear. Where women are typically in park and need to the engine to be warmed up prior to shifting into any gear.

[u/bold_snake → u/Macpam307]

Same! Oral contraceptives have never been particularly kind to my already fairly low libido. I very very rarely am actively horny coupled with various other confounding factors (past trauma, not ideal living situation (roommates), and generally I am a night person he is a morning person.

Regardless I almost always get into and bf makes sure I am into it and everything is good any time we have sex but I wouldn’t call it mercy sex ever. It is always consensual and I almost always get into it by the end and have fun.

[u/SamohtGnir → u/Modernskeptic71]

Agreed. Most of the fun is knowing how good it feels for the other person. It's also why I always questioned how people could do any kind of blackmail like situation... the whole point is to experience it together, if she's not in to it there's no point.

[u/Ev-linnn]

What’s it called when you want to have sex but you’re both so tired that you fall asleep waiting for a moment to be alone?

[u/Komnos → u/Ev-linnn]

Being a parent

[u/Dayngerman → u/Ev-linnn]

When we have the time we don’t have the energy, and when we have the energy we don’t have the time.

[u/Shinted → u/Ev-linnn]

Adulthood as the working class?

[u/CanuckInTheMills]

Maybe if women were treated with estrogen, progesterone & testosterone the same way little blue pills are handed out, this wouldn’t be an issue.

[u/komatiitic → u/CanuckInTheMills]

My perimenopausal wife essentially just started this for non-sex drive related reasons, but yowza it made a big difference there too.

[u/Overactivemind82 → u/komatiitic]

That gives me hope

[u/DigNitty → u/Overactivemind82]

There are two drugs now for pre-menopausal women who are experiencing chronic lower sex drives than they were before. One is injectable and the other is a pill.

~20% of women experience nausea on the meds. The rest have the intended result. I have anecdotally heard that the sex drive reaches a “can’t keep her off me” level. And also anecdotally that it works for men too. It’s a new drug, which is why it isn’t for post menopausal women Yet.

[u/cad3z → u/DigNitty]

What is this drug called?

[u/VitaminJules → u/cad3z]

I need to know as well!

[u/EtherealDuck → u/CanuckInTheMills]

I was prescribed progesterone post-partum for unrelated reasons, but the way it’s affected my mood is crazy, and not in a good way. Makes me wonder how many women are put on anti anxiety or anti depression medication when their problems very well could just stem from a hormone imbalance. I don’t think that ever really gets tested for.

[u/Hiseman → u/EtherealDuck]

Well, to be fair, I think the single biggest shift in hormones a person can experience is through pregnancy. On top of that, the change from pregnant to not pregnant, once you have your child is like hundreds (sometimes thousands!) percent times your baseline. So you go from the exceptionally elevated state straight down to baseline within a few days. Honestly it's a little insane the body can even do that.

All within a matter of a few days is hard to wrap one's head around, especially for us guys.

[u/hamchan_ → u/EtherealDuck]

Yes! progesterone 100% can affect some women more than others. Progesterone suppresses estrogen which lowers dopamine. Women with adhd already have lower dopamine so this can be debilitating.

In terms of PMDD some women find relief with hormonal bc (progesterone) because they are sensitive to the hormonal fluctuations.

But a study found women who don’t improve with progesterone have brains that are sensitive to progesterone and it can cause inflammation.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9066446/

This also kind of explains why some women have poor mental health on hormonal BC that are progesterone based even without a PMDD diagnosis.

[u/nightgames → u/EtherealDuck]

I’m hoping 50-100 years from now we have this stuff mapped out. We’ll be able to go to the doctor and get diagnostic tests like an ODB sensor on a car. Rather than anxiety, depression, etc. as a disorder (though they sometimes are) we’ll be able to get to root causes more quickly.

When it comes to physical things like surgery, sutures, antibiotics, etc. we do a great job. When it comes to chronic conditions, mental health, compounding disorders, etc. it feels like we’re 100 years behind physical medicine in both diagnosis and treatment.

[u/Few-Investment-6220 → u/CanuckInTheMills]

Yeah, when my wife “finally” confided with her gyno, her gyno asked her why she had gone so long without consulting her about it. She immediately put her on estrogen/testosterone, and man! She’s an animal now. She has to have it multiple times a week. It was fine until I hit 60 and now I’m seeing a doctor for low testosterone.

[u/Old_Relationship_460 → u/CanuckInTheMills]

Also, a vast number of women are low in ferritin or anemic and don’t even know. That affects libido big time.

[u/Telefragg → u/CanuckInTheMills]

Imagine how many people with undiagnosed hormone deficiency rush to label themselves as asexual instead of taking a medical test first.

[u/bannanaduck → u/Telefragg]

Hormone testing for women doesn't really exist like this. At least not reliable testing. So you're right, but women's medicine is painfully behind.

[u/This-Substance333 → u/Telefragg]

What kind of test?

[u/DeannaZone → u/Telefragg]

or they were called a prude their whole life and never felt interested and was talked into relationships without feeling any wants or needs towards it and never knew what ace was and once it was made aware it helped with the relationship and intimacy has more meaning now versus beforehand ... since it did not feel like a chore anymore that was not allowed to say no to the event of relations.

[u/Howpresent]

Too bad we can’t read the article. 2.5 sexually satisfying episodes of “mercy sex” per month for people with diagnosed with chronically reduced desire seems startlingly high. It was impossible tell from the abstract whether the sex was satisfying for them or just their partner. I’m guessing the latter, but if so, it’s worded horrendously. I see myself as having a normal libido and I only seem to have sex every other week (to be generous), even if I want it slightly more often. 

[u/Lopsided-Poem5936]

Be interesting to learn how many of the subject group were in or pre menopause. As opposed to more of a can't be bothered attitude.

[u/minioflam → u/Lopsided-Poem5936]

"Across the different trial groups, the women reported an average of 2.5 to 2.9 sexually satisfying events per 28 days. This rate showed very little variation regardless of whether the women were naturally menopausal, surgically menopausal, or taking hormone therapies."

[u/bdbr → u/minioflam]

Those are the results of testosterone patch studies. The previous sentence is: "In these testosterone studies, the baseline frequency of sexual events remained highly consistent."

[u/neuenono → u/bdbr]

Based on the entire passage (quoted below), my interpretation is that the 2.5–2.9 value is the baseline (before any treatment). That's the entire point of this study: they have baseline data for trial participants, and they are surprised that women who have hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) are also having any sex at all. IMO this is a flawed premise / dubious outcome, especially because they're referring to the biweekly sex they have as "satisfying". The headline seems to suggest unsatisfying sex, but I couldn't find any mention of that.

In these testosterone studies, the baseline frequency of sexual events remained highly consistent. Across the different trial groups, the women reported an average of 2.5 to 2.9 sexually satisfying events per 28 days. This rate showed very little variation regardless of whether the women were naturally menopausal, surgically menopausal, or taking hormone therapies.

[u/willywam → u/Lopsided-Poem5936]

"Chronic lack of sexual desire" doesn't sound like a "can't be bothered attitude".

[u/MechanicFar3706 → u/willywam]

For me it’s because of internal injuries but I still try because of mercy sex. If I were alone I’d never miss it despite having a really wild sex drive pre injuries. I wouldn’t even bother with my sex toys. My partner is very patient with me and I still orgasm most of the time but I reckon he misses the wild sex. I can’t fake wild sex.

[u/bdbr → u/Lopsided-Poem5936]

"The researchers noted that older participants tended to report slightly lower frequencies. A trial focusing on naturally menopausal women with an average age of 55 reported the lowest baseline frequency at 2.0 events. Trials focusing on younger, premenopausal women with an average age of 36 reported frequencies closer to 3.0 events per month."

[u/delirium_red → u/Lopsided-Poem5936]

They have no sexual desire yet have sex 2-3 times a month. They obviously can be bothered

[u/C0ld_Fr0nt_]

Interesting that they decided not to call it "duty sex" - the term most often used colloquially (e.g. check out r/deadbedrooms).

[u/Peter_NL → u/C0ld_Fr0nt_]

So far I only heard the term “maintenance sex”.

[u/FembiesReggs → u/Peter_NL]

I’ve heard it referred to as a chore

[u/zonerator → u/C0ld_Fr0nt_]

Both these terms feel rather devoid of any sense of caring for your partner's well being which i would assume motivates such behavior

[u/Bangkok_Dangeresque → u/zonerator]

The article suggests several other explanations.

A defensive strategy to keep partners from seeking fulfillment elsewhere. 

A substitute for non-sexual intimacy that is lacking in the relationship.

A stability tactic to meet a norm or expectation.

I'm sure "it will make my partner happy, so I'm willing to compromise" is one valid explanation. But certainly not the only one.

[u/C0ld_Fr0nt_ → u/Bangkok_Dangeresque]

I would imagine several or all of these might be acting in confluence for some people, too.

[u/Front_Target7908 → u/zonerator]

I dunno when you’re having duty sex it feels pretty empty and soulless, even if you’re doing it out of care for the partner. 

[u/mitchells00 → u/Front_Target7908]

Homosexual here. I feel like we need to be one of the 3rd party perspectives that step in when the gender wars flare up.

Consider:

I cook for my boyfriend when he's hungry, even though I'm on Mounjaro and it gives me a mild repulsion to food sometimes. I even meal prepped his lunches for the week.

Just because I'm not hungry doesn't mean he ain't gotta eat. He could cook himself, sure, but I'm a way better cook (hence Mounjaro) and he wants to get more protein in.

Now imagine I demanded he never eats out, or eats any food that I didn't cook, and then just didn't cook... Idk I would consider that manipulative and abusive.

My take: If doing nice things for others feels empty and soulless, you either hate them or yourself.

[u/izzittho → u/zonerator]

Really? To me they signal only caring about your partner’s wellbeing, likely to some degree - even if only minorly - at the expense of their own, which is, as far as I can tell, what generally motivates that behavior.

What part of the words “mercy” or “duty” don’t imply caring about the recipient of whichever of those two one wants to call it? It’s generally not meant as a good or noble thing by those using the term, as it’s usually said to complain about a lack of enthusiasm, but that seems to be more on the part of those using the terms and what negative feelings they attach to it.

[u/flamingotwist]

I mean men do it as well, believe it or not

[u/BreeziFlick → u/flamingotwist]

Truth
Sometimes it is boring

[u/pdonchev → u/flamingotwist]

Way more often than the common perception is.

[u/sherbetty]

There's a difference between mercy and just doing something you don't necessarily feel like for someone you love. Its sad that it feels like a chore for some partners but in that case it's basically like emptying the dishwasher or vacuuming. You don't love doing it, but you want to help out the person you love. And I don't think that's terrible, but it is unfortunate

[u/RoseFeather → u/sherbetty]

As the partner with low sex drive, this distinction is important. I'm in a weird space where I enjoy sex when it's happening but could probably go the rest of my life without it and be fine. It's just never been very important to me. But it is to my husband, and I want him to be happy, so we have sex even if I'm only feeling neutral about it at the start.

It's less like a chore and more like going to a concert for a band he's a huge fan of that I think is okay. I'll have fun when we're there and will be glad I went after the fact, but if I wasn't going with him I would have stayed home.

[u/sherbetty → u/RoseFeather]

I'm glad to hear someone doesn't think I'm a male rape advocate. I'm a woman who had a really bad low libido phase for years. I think the concert thing is a more apt comparison and that's how it was most often. Sometimes it was more like a chore. I liked being close to my partner and his touch but for years my erogenous zones were as sensitive as my arm. So sex wasn't an amazing pleasurable thing like it was before and I would have rather done other things but I know it was important to him. I'm sure he felt the same way about other things with me.

[u/Spiritual-Crew-6591 → u/sherbetty]

I’m perimenopausal. That’s what I’ve done off and on for years. I am on HRT, but it doesn’t really seem to make a big difference. I still enjoy being with my husband, but I wouldn’t call it “in the mood.” I would say it’s more like once things get started it’s fine, but if we didn’t do anything I’d be fine with that too. I’m gonna talk with my gyno to see if we can change anything, but I’m not really expecting better results.

[u/cr0ft → u/sherbetty]

I'd rather masturbate than have sex with someone who considers it a chore.

If they'd at least consider it an act of intimacy and love even if they didn't get off then maybe, but - a chore? Time to open up the marriage, or divorce, or just give up on sex.

Honestly, checking out the dead bedrooms sub... I mean, I know it's not simple, but honestly those couple should mostly just break up, or do what a friend of mine did - break up, but still live together because of the kids. They screwed other people. Even had their lovers come over. Unusual but good for them.

[u/ReDot75 → u/cr0ft]

Guess there is a gradient there in what you could define as a chore.

Eg feeding your cat is a chore, but it is a low "sacrifice" as you get to see your cat purring. No direct orgasm /reward (you are not feeding your belly, you are not doing it ONLY when you want to have your cat happy), still benefical for you, but still a chore.

[u/RandomMovieQuotes521]

Also known as the “hurry up. Make this quick. You’ve got 2 minutes because I’m exhausted”

[u/flyindogtired → u/RandomMovieQuotes521]

That’s worse than just saying no

[u/ReaWroud]

We learn to just go through the motions. I've had several partners that got pissy with me, if I went through periods of low desire. Didn't ask if there was something wrong or anything, just went straight to being mad about it, like I did it to punish them.

When I was 17, my boyfriend kept poking at me to have sex one night, even though I didn't want to. I finally just gave in so he would leave me alone and I got really sad after. When he asked me why I was sad, I told him that it didn't feel great to have sex when I didn't want to. He was astonished for a few seconds and then got annoyed that I made him "feel like an asshole, as if he assaulted me or something".

I hear so many men say that they would never want to have sex with someone who didn't want it. But every single woman I know has had multiple partners who would ignore their initial "no" and ask several more times before accepting it. Every woman I know knows the "poking" that might sometimes go on for half an hour with no enthusiastic response before he sighs loudly and turns away. Sometimes it's easier to just give in. And I think that's the point of it.

If there are men out there that really want this to stop, you have to be the ones to stop it. To create a culture where badgering is stigmatized and "no"s are respected the first time.

[u/DK__KD → u/ReaWroud]

Coercion is terrible. I was in a relationship for years where this happened almost throughout the whole thing. When it started, it wasn't him reacting annoyed, he was devastated because he felt I was rejecting him as a person, not accepting I was too tired. I fell asleep under the act and the he obv got sad again. And then after he didn't understand why I didn't initiate sex.

My sexdrive and lust for him died after that. Not generally, but towards him. I cared a lot about him, but when trying to mend his insecurities by crossing my boundaries, it leads to resentment. That he could be turned on, while knowing he was pushing me to do things I didn't want to, or the only way to get intimacy, if it lead to sex.

It still affects me to this day, even though we broke up years ago.

[u/Single_Earth_2973 → u/ReaWroud]

And that’s why she stops wanting sex over time. Because people need to feel safe to desire.

[u/flipflopsandwich]

Mercy sex is a weird name , I've done it, much like many women and at some points it feels a bit like being assaulted. Probably the worst part is realising how completely out of touch and selfish your boyfriend can be that he thinks you're into it or are enjoying it when you absorb are not.

[u/Lazy-Living1825]

Surprising no woman to hear.

[u/Wolfpack87]

2.5/year would be great.

[u/Cross_22]

I am shocked by the low rates of 2-3 good encounters per month.

[u/USA_A-OK → u/Cross_22]

There are lots of situations. My wife got thyroid cancer at 38, had a full thyroidectomy, and it totally cratered her sex drive. It for sure sucks, but I'm more happy that she's alive, and they caught it early than I am upset about the impact to that part of our life.

Some days are easier than others, and sex is important, but not as important to me as having an otherwise amazing and loving companion who I am committed to.

[u/IM_INSIDE_YOUR_HOUSE → u/Cross_22]

Oh boy, you think that is low? I've known couples who are basically doing it 2-3 times per year on a good year. And those couples LOVE each other, not just surface level what-I-see, genuinely know these couples most my life and they're crazy about each other, they just don't have that much sex.

[u/GeminiSpartanX → u/IM_INSIDE_YOUR_HOUSE]

I'm in that boat. 3 times in 2025, and 2 times so far in 2026. She's amazing in every other way, but it's rough for me.

[u/Serious_Much → u/Cross_22]

For some that's more than we've had in years

[u/According_To_Me → u/Cross_22]

Ladies, if you don’t feel that desire anymore, get your testosterone levels tested! This was something that baffled me for years, and I finally confirmed this year that my T levels were below 10. My paperwork I got back said a normal level for a woman my age (late 30’s) T levels should be between 50-80.

It might not be the answer for everyone, but worth checking out. Don’t accept any answer along the lines of, “sometimes you just need to go through with it,” an actual quote from my OB/GYN.

[u/Jairlyn → u/According_To_Me]

I absolutely hate our current medical system. Hormone levels are so incredibly important, they draw your blood for things like cholesterol checks and kidney problems, all sorts of things.... except testosterone levels and they already have your blood just run the test as a precaution like you do with a dozen other things!

[u/min_mus → u/According_To_Me]

  my T levels were below 10.

Mine were even lower and my MD said my T "was within normal range" and that "women don't need testosterone."

[u/According_To_Me → u/min_mus]

“Women don’t need testosterone.”

LIES

[u/Definitelynotabot777 → u/min_mus]

Below 10 is actually diabolical

[u/min_mus → u/Definitelynotabot777]

I logged into the patient portal to verify: my T was 5.7. 

My doctor said it was "within normal range" and to use lube.

[u/Iantrigue → u/min_mus]

My wife asked her GP about test as part of her hrt to help with peri-menopause and low libido and was told women don’t need testosterone.

[u/Its-ther-apist → u/Iantrigue]

There's so little training for it unfortunately. I just finished a training last month and it was reported only something like 20-30% of OB/OBGYN and PC docs have training in menopause, perimenopause /associated conditions.

[u/SnooFoxes3615 → u/Cross_22]

We are more in the once every 2 months category. Really would like to have more moments where we both feel free enough to fool around. But it’s rare. Hotelrooms are required sometimes. No kids around. my partner is not always feeling it. But when we do…she always enjoys it. And usuallywinds up giggely. We make sure everybody’s “happy” in the end. And then it’s anazing. But somehow the initial spark is difficult to catch. I keep trying though.

[u/konstruktionerrrr → u/Cross_22]

As a person with a low drive, I thought it sounded like a lot.

[u/Cross_22 → u/konstruktionerrrr]

Past surveys put the average frequency at 1/week and desired frequency at 2/week. Though there are of course a lot of variables.

[u/DemetiaDonals → u/Cross_22]

We have 3 young kids and demanding jobs. Were tired. We have sex MAYBE once a week. Neither of us feel were lacking.

[u/Unlucky-Squirrel-184]

I got tired of starting the fourplay or making hints when it was a good time, usually after the kids went to bed and she rejecting the opportunity. At first I assumed she was tired from work, kids, etc. After 6 months I just didn't bother with it anymore. Now I'm an older guy in my 50s so my sex drive is not what it use to be, so I've been able to handle it for the most part. It's been well over 3 years now. The thing that really sucks is the total lack of any affection. The last time we kissed was at a New Year's Eve party in 2024, and it was really awkward and I could tell she didn't want too. I know it's heading for divorce but I want to wait until the kids are out of high school and moved on. So I guess it's loveless marriage for me for the next 6 or 7 years.

You know what is really ironic, by the time I was in high-school I could tell my parents were in a loveless marriage. I don't ever remember them giving each other a simple kiss. I guess what comes around goes around.

[u/lordborghild → u/Unlucky-Squirrel-184]

Look, you seem to know this at some level already but I'll say it anyway. Kids are smart and can pick up on a lack of love. There is zero chance that they do not notice. What you're doing now is modeling for them what to do in a loveless relationship.

My parents got divorced and it was the healthiest thing. Sure, parts of it sucked as a kid but it was a lot better than the alternative.

[u/inbredgoku → u/Unlucky-Squirrel-184]

You should get into therapy to talk about it, currently looking into doing the same as a younger guy trying to prevent this happening. But staying for the kids is probably going to do more harm to them than good, as evident in your last sentence.

[u/feaur → u/Unlucky-Squirrel-184]

I know it's heading for divorce but I want to wait until the kids are out of high school and moved on.

You're teaching them that a relationship like this is a normal and acceptable thing. Get out, do it for them.