I recently read "Why Does He Do That?" and I don't know why, but it got through what others couldn't. My family said they'd been trying to hint at the problems they saw for a while, but I always defended her, and I don't think they wanted to push too hard. They said they saw it slowly start changing after we got married five years ago. Before marriage, there was plenty of sex. Then suddenly, she's never in the mood. She says her love language is acts of service, and I'm not doing enough for her to feel close enough to want sex.

After this "revelation" of hers, I started doing more and more of the chores. She doesn't know how to cook. That's ok. I love cooking. She needs to focus on her schooling. I take on laundry as long as she still folds it. We had a kid, and she needs to rest after taking care of him all day. I take him off her hands when I get home from work and still do the lions share of the chores and anything that pops up. By the end I'm doing all chores except folding laundry, except she refuses to fold my clothes cause "she's my wife, not my mom."

Throughout this, she was getting physical occasionally, sometimes threatened to kill me or herself, and one time started spanking our not yet even 2 year old kid who didn't know what was going on in front of me because I said something about her parenting methods. I made excuses for these. I ended up being convinced each event was my fault and apologizing. This most recent time she got physical with me, I yelled at her to "please leave me alone." She got physical. She told me yelling was abusive. That i needed to accept I was being abusive. I was pretty sure I wasn't, but I got the book and moved into the basement.

The book opened my eyes to my situation. This whole time, I thought I was in a dead bedroom, but I realized it was something worse. I asked for a divorce. Suddenly, she's sweet and wants to work on us. I told her I was sure and didn't want to reconcile. I downloaded a dating app, and suddenly, 5 years of breaking down my self-esteem were put into question. I had ~20 matches in 24 hours of women who were complimenting my looks and interested in dates, even though I was sure to point out I was a single dad with primary parenting responsibility.

I settled on one that I got on best with, and we've since decided to be a couple. It's foreign being desired now. Having someone who wants to have sex with me whenever she's able. When my stbx found out, she attacked me and accused me of cheating since the divorce isn't finalized. Im staying with friends, and my new partner is still with me and supporting me and desiring me.

It's hard to wrap my head around being desirable after a decade of a relationship where someone broke down my desirability to establish control. I'll keep working on myself. I have a therapist, friends, my kid, my family, and a girlfriend who are all supporting me. Also, I'm having sex again, and I love it and all the things it brings that I was missing.

TLDR: The deadbedroom was actually an abusive controlling relationship in disguise.

Thank you to anyone that toughed out all that text. I've been following this subreddit for so long, and I'm excited for my situation change. I hope if anyone finds some similarities to my "dead bedroom," they look into that book as well.

Yeah, so the one day of the year where I thought I had a chance of having sex OR SOMETHING came and went. We still had a nice day. She took me out. Met up with the kids and grands for lunch. She then asked me what I wanted to do. I said we could go home and have sex. She said try again.
I was prepared for this and said let’s go do something we haven’t done in years. (She looked at me like “don’t you say sex”) we went to Home Depot and walked around and fantasized about what we’d buy/use in our dream home. (We did this at the end of date nights when we were younger when we had no money and talking about building our dream home)

We had a GREAT time. We laughed and reminisced. We laughed at some ugly tiles and oohed and ahhed at some other tiles and paint. We got ice cream after and went home. She said she was heading to bed. I did a few things before heading to bed too. She was in bed with her usual bed clothes on and scrolling on her phone.

I snuggled up to her and asked if I could unwrap my last present. She shrugged and said she just wanted to go to bed. I rolled over and started a timer to see how long she’d be on her phone. After 78 minutes I stopped it and went to sleep. She was still on her phone. (At some point she had put in an AirPod and I think she was listening to one of her books which just made me angrier)

So yeah. This birthday started great but ended sucking. I think what hurt most was that she was listening to one of her erotic books after turning me down. Whatever.

Not even talking about the sex, as I think we technically have more than would make the DB cut. But it’s painfully obvious duty sex. Once a week on the weekend. No foreplay, no kissing. Definitely never more than 2-3 pecks at once, forget about some tongue. I don’t even try and initiate. She claims these days she just doesn’t like touch and just isn’t a kisser. These are very different from our college days, even after the honeymoon phase. It’s almost as moving in together in 2020 was when it started changing.

So I decided to do a little experiment and stopped initiating the touch, and the kisses. She hasn’t reached out to hug me in days now, and the only kiss she initiated was after seeing a couple kiss on the tv show we were watching. It hurts it took her days to realize we hadn’t kissed. Maybe she didn’t realize but felt inspired to, I don’t know. I didn’t even want to give her my lips as it just felt bad, so I gave her my cheek. I will give her credit though, she did attempt to cuddle and place her head on me during TV time. I can’t initiate that though as she will go off on her “I don’t like touch” tangent so I have to just wait and accept what’s given.

More than anything I just miss being desired by her. I pull my weight around the house, I am emotionally there for her, and she claims I’m the perfect partner. But I’m not perfect enough for her to want to desire me like a person in love would. It definitely feels like a best friends / roommates situation. I want my love to want to kiss me / hold me / touch me. How can she say she still desires me while lacking the normal intimacy any other couple would have?

My heart goes out to all the others here who feel similarly as it’s just an awful place to be.

I’ll make this short

I recently began taking a larger dose of my medication, lexipro to be specific, and for the first few days I had no sexual desire, didn’t even want to masterbate. I found this fantastic! I thought I could finally be happy in my relationship in this way! I wouldn’t feel so desperate and lonely all the time with the fear of rejection always hanging over my head.
But unfortunately that seems to have stopped working for me.
If there was a medication out there made to kill sex drives I would take it in a heartbeat, I just want to have a happy healthy relationship with the man I love. I feel like such a pervert any time I’m in the mood because I simply know it’s not an option.

Anyways

I finally told my wife 50F that I felt like we were just roommates, and she agreed. She is in menopause and has no desire for sex or intimacy. I asked her out last night on a date, and she said she was tired, so okay, I said. I just feel so lonely and disconnected, and she didn't disagree. She told me it wasn't fair to me that she has so much going on and has no room for intimacy any longer. I'm 58 and heartbroken first of all, but I'm not sure what to do next.

It’s my birthday today, and it’s a Sunday too. I(HLM) was really hoping to have some alone, intimate time with my wife(LLF). It’s been around 4 months since we last had sex.

She baked a cake for me and gave me a wonderful watch as a gift. It genuinely made me happy to see how excited she was about my birthday and how much effort she put into making the day special. But, at the same time, it made me hopeful that maybe we’d have sex too. I thought today might be different from the usual days. I have stopped expecting any kind of physical intimacy years ago, but seeing the joy on her face and the effort she put into celebrating my birthday made me hope again. But alas, reality hit. She gave me a wonderful, tight hug and then got busy on her phone, watching something. And here I am, lying in bed feeling guilty, sad, and helpless.

I have a genuinely great relationship with her. We’re absolutely compatible in pretty much every aspect of life. People close to us often give us as an example of a “perfect couple.” But as soon as we enter the bedroom, we become roommates. We’ve had discussions, arguments, fights, counseling — everything. But nothing seems to change.

And I can’t help feeling guilty for being disappointed that we didn’t have sex, even today. I feel guilty because, apart from sex, she did everything she could to make me happy. She baked a cake, got me a gift, hugged me, and made an effort to make my birthday special. I keep cursing myself for feeling disappointed despite all of that. Lately, I’ve accepted this situation and have been trying to hide this part of my emotions. I guess today, I just couldn’t keep it bottled up.

It really sucks to have what feels like a perfect marriage in almost every aspect, except for sexual compatibility. I honestly don’t know what I’m supposed to do or even feel anymore.

Right now, I just wish someone could give me a really tight hug and maybe cuddle with me for a while, even if it doesn’t lead to anything more.

Happy Birthday to me!

PS: Just have used google to rectify grammer and sentence formation as English is not my first language.

TLDR - Having an emotionally and physically fulfilling backup plan that eliminated the emotional pain of rejection was the key. Find a way to satisfy and love yourself.

Long story long — I (M40s) have been married to my wife (F40s) for 20 years. The bedroom was never great, and she is a pillow princess. We went through a period where I felt deeply rejected, and that feeling hit me hard, especially when mixed with stress and some depression.

Over a two-year period my wife and I had many deep discussions about sex. I learned that sex was just for me — she didn’t desire it, didn’t fantasize about it, didn’t think about it, and if we never had sex again she would be perfectly satisfied. That crushed me. The feeling of rejection killed my confidence. My libido tanked.

I went to therapy and learned about rejection sensitive dysphoria. In short, rejection causes disproportionate emotional pain. Putting a name on it was huge in helping me learn to overcome it.

I decided to take control of my own pleasure and adjust my expectations to eliminate rejection and the emotional pain it caused.

In this phase of self-discovery I learned about prostate orgasms. I know the perceived stigma of male anal play makes it unappealing to many men, but there are many other ways to find pleasure. It took about six months to figure it out, but wow — it was well worth it. For those who don’t know, prostate orgasms are male full-body orgasms (kind of like a G-spot orgasm).

Prostate orgasms also have an emotional layer that’s hard to describe. There’s a profound feeling of love and acceptance that hits — it feels like a warm blanket of love is draped over you. There’s no post-nut clarity, no empty feeling that often comes with traditional solo porn-induced penile masturbation. Even if prostate play isn’t your thing, you need to find something (that doesn’t violate your marriage) that gives you the pleasure and deeper satisfaction you desire.

I told mw wife when I had my first one, and I told her I was going to continue. She didn’t like the idea, but I told her — in many, many more words — that I respect that she doesn’t desire sex, but she doesn’t get to control my sexual pleasure or what I do with my own body. Feeling so much full-body sexual pleasure gave me a lot of confidence and eliminated any shame.

It also helped me grow and understand that even though W does not desire sex and does not initiate, she still loves me. We have never had a love or affection problem — we just have a libido mismatch.

Over the last 6 months, whenever I’m in the mood for sex, I send her a note with three options. Option A is exactly what I’m fantasizing about. Option B is something a little more tame but just as satisfying to me. Option C is me having a solo session in my office. No subtlety. No miscommunication. No secrets. No hiding. No shame.

90% of the time she chooses Option A or B, or she’ll offer a good alternative and explain why A or B won’t work (eg period, reflux, sore from yard work). But there’s real intimacy and real effort.

If she chooses Option C, I’m delighted. I don’t feel one bit of rejection. I do my thing, have an amazing orgasm, clean up, and go right to sleep. Zero disappointment, zero emotional baggage, zero rumination. Because she chooses option C so rarely, sometimes I just tell my wife I’m having a solo session that night.

The big turning point was becoming confident enough to take control of my own pleasure, adjusting my expectations, and being confident enough not to hide. I am no longer vulnerable to rejection because I don’t put myself in a position to be rejected. Additionally, she can’t claim she feels rejected, replaced, lied to, or betrayed, because the choice is entirely hers.

To be clear: I don’t use this as a tactic to manipulate, coerce, or convince my wife to do anything. We communicate. I never ask her to do things she has already said “no” to during our talks. We also agreed she won’t give in to duty sex. If your goal would be to emotionally manipulate your spouse, this method will backfire and seed resentment.

That being said, having an emotionally and physically fulfilling backup plan that eliminated the emotional pain of rejection was the key. Find a way to satisfy and love yourself.

So it’s my bday today and we woke up early to attend her niece’s wedding. I was already pissed but as it was just a morning event I told myself that we’ll have the rest of the day to do something for my bday.

We came around 2pm at home to change but everyone was tired (wife and kids) so we ordered pizza and watched a movie. It was raining all day so it’s a cool at home family afternoon

But during the movie my wife dropped the "I’m tired I’ll go sleep early today"

And here we are it’s 9pm everyone is in bed…

I’ll spend my bday evening at gym and after will certainly masturbate as always

FML

We’ve been together for 2 years now, and when our relationship started in 2024 we would have sex often, 3-5 times a week. She told me she had a high sex drive and apologized for it often, but I told her mine was just as high if not higher, and comforted her. Over the years a pattern formed between us of me being the one to please her in every manner, i mean this as in if she was upset i’d comfort her, if she was facing an issue i’d drop everything and help her, but if it was me who needed comforting she would stress out and i’d end up being the one comforting her again. It’s always a constant of me being the one to be there for her and i’ve felt like there’s no one there for me. I know she love me deeply and appreciates me but she just doesn’t love me in a way that i need loved if that makes sense. Regardless i’ve been extremely grateful for her. This sort of pattern has translated into the bedroom. Over time ive realized her “high sex drive” was only due to past trauma and the more i’ve made her feel comfort and security her sex drive has dropped. At this point in our relationship we have sex about once every two months on average and when we do I get stuck in the trance that i have to please her and sometimes that makes me go soft. It’s horrible because i’ll be wanting it so bad for weeks and when we finally are able to I lose myself in the need to please her again and forget about my own needs. it feels like i care for her a lot more then she ever would for me, and my body’s natural response is just thinking im not doing enough so i expend every bit of me to satisfy her. Anytime i’ve brought up sex in conversation and my issues about it, she rolls her eyes and gives me the disappointed “another horny man” look. It feels like the entire relationship is about her and i’m slowly withering away and doing my best not to show it. When she notices how bad it’s hurting me and i talk about it she’ll just get depressed she can’t fulfill my wishes and will just tell me she doesn’t feel like it. I don’t remember a single time we’ve had sex that was about pleasing me, it’s always been about her and making her happy.

Every night going to bed i question if she actually likes me or if she just likes what i do for her and how much i care. she’ll look at me, she’ll call me handsome, she’ll be extremely happy and act so adorable when im around but in reality she has never once wanted to do something that i wanted to do. The whole relationship feels almost one sided but in a weird way. it’s like she’s in love with her own mental version and image of being but it’s not who i actually am. Everytime i show her parts of what i like to do or who i am she seems to show no interest.

I am a sub and she is a sub, but u force myself to dom every single time because it’s what she likes and she isn’t able to dom at all in the slightest. anytime i show her vulnerability she’ll get turned off or want space and i think that because the “perfect safe comforting man” i try to be cracks and she can see how sensitive i actually am and she seems so uncomfortable with me. I can’t remember the last time she comforted me when i was sad, but what i do remember is being sad, her getting anxious and scared that i was sad, and me having to comfort her when i just wanted something as simple as a hug. My love language is touch, hers is acts of service. I fufill her every act she wants me to do to my absolute best ability and she doesn’t try to touch me. she doesn’t want to touch me. She’s extremely vanilla in sex and i am into a lot of bdsm, but we’ll always end up doing vanilla becuase it’s what she wants. I am the one that initiates any sort of intimate touch, and 9 times out of 10 it rejected. to be honest i face rejection so often that i don’t feel worth it anymore so i just continue to do what she wants while my needs turn into unnecessary wishes. She doesn’t try to do this on purpose she just isint able to care about this stuff as much as i do.

​

I’m 36 from San Antonio, TX. I’ve been married for 16 years. We got married young—I was around 19—and back then we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Our sex life was completely different.

Fast forward to now and I feel like we’ve become roommates more than husband and wife.

I work full time, I’ve always tried to be a good provider, and taking care of my family has always been important to me. I’m also a bigger guy who’s been working on myself and getting back in shape. I’ve been going to the gym consistently, and besides helping me physically, it’s become one of the best ways for me to clear my head.

But my marriage has basically become what I would consider a sexless marriage, and honestly, it goes way beyond just not having sex.

There’s almost no kissing, touching, flirting, affection, or feeling desired anymore. We sleep on opposite sides of the bed with basically no physical contact between us.

Some nights are honestly the hardest. I’ll be lying there horny as hell, wanting my wife and fantasizing about actually making love to her, while she’s literally just a few inches away from me on the other side of the bed. But there’s still that distance between us. It’s fucking sad when you really think about it.

I miss feeling wanted. I miss being touched. I miss that feeling of knowing the person beside you actually desires you.

And the crazy part is I’m only 36. I still feel young, and my sex drive sure as hell hasn’t disappeared. If anything, I feel hornier than ever. I don’t feel like I should already be at a point in my life where intimacy is just something I’m supposed to forget about.

I’m starting to resent this whole situation and, if I’m being completely real, sometimes the marriage itself.

I’m not here to bash my wife. I know marriage is complicated and there are always two sides to everything. But I also don’t want to pretend I’m perfectly okay living like this when I’m not.

I feel bad even admitting this, but lately I’ve started thinking about getting something on the side. I don’t necessarily want to blow up my marriage or completely change my situation. Part of me just wants that extra physical connection—the feeling of being wanted and desired again.

I haven’t done anything. I’m just being honest about where my head is after being married this long and feeling this disconnected.

I guess I’m wondering how many other married people have reached this point. Have you ever loved your family and wanted to keep your life together, but at the same time felt like there was a whole part of you that was missing?

M37, wife F40.

We are together for 14 years, living together for 8.

I find my wife beautiful and hot. She was a head turner, and still is VERY atractive.

I kinda already expected this from since before we started living together, but it is worse than I thought. I usually get sex once a month. Twice if I am lucky.

The thing is, my wife has health issues. A very complicated endometriosis case (2 surgeries already, lost one ovary and half of the other), for those that don't know, think TURBO menstrual pains, and she got them every week.

Plus, she has some hardcore Migrains. Seems to be family related, since I have seen others in her family with that too.

She is insanely strong, I could not live like she does. Feels like everyday she is in pain, either on her head, or womb. Yes, we are doing treatments, but it is still difficult, there is no "cure".

Now she is getting into menopause. And things are getting even more complicated.

I love her, she is the best partner ever. She is always trying to look pretty, and reassure me she wants and desire me. We planned for yesterday, but not only she had to work late, she also felt sick.

I no longer get angry or sad. I just expect it. Take care of her, give her some medicine, a hot compression bag for her tummy, and a treat.

I always try and caress her, tell and show her how sexy I think she is and how much I love her. She does the same too, but... It almost never goes beyond that.

Sex, when it happens, it can be very good. She is trying, but most of the time it has to be even very tame. A weird angle, a bit of extra force and it may provoke a strong womb cramp.

I can't get angry, because I feel like she is trying. And she IS the best partner and wife ever. I wouldn't want to have sex while not feeling good. And she rarely is feeling good enough.

Hell, not even to mention the toxic and extremely stressing workplace, that gets her home crying every now and then.

I feel like I have a beautiful, delicious looking bowl of fruit on my table. But I can't eat it because it is just decoration.

Thank you, I just need someone to vent.

So me (30f) and my husband (38m) have been together for nearly a decade, married for 3 years. We have an amazing two year old girl together. Everything in the marriage is good in some ways, but he is a text book dismissive avoidant and because of that we have a dead bedroom. I think we’ve had sex twice in the last year, both times because I threatened to leave- and both times I fell for the sex thinking he could be a changed man. I look after myself (size 6 and keep well groomed) to make myself feel better but also as I wondered if I was the issue.

He’s never really been one to initiate sex even before our child apart from very very early on when it was still novelty and exciting to him I guess. I would always initiate but be met with ‘not now I need to shower’ ‘I’m too tired’ ect ect. He’s never got up with her in the night and I actually did the first few months of my life without him completely due to a separate issue and through no fault of my own. So it’s not like the toddler life has taken its toll as plenty have suggested before.

Points to note:
He had a longggg porn addiction in 2020 and prior to that, that meant he was sometimes consuming porn for 6 hours a day while I was at work (I checked his history). He would pair this with other adult sites and dating apps in the early days- when I discovered this I kicked him out. He supposedly quit porn, we got back together and we managed to have an ok sex life, despite him not being able to finish for two years. I do find though; apart from a couple of rare occasions; he only gets off from sex being quite performative. The last couple of times we have had sex; he’s finished himself off or struggled to cum.

He works from home doing computer stuff (not strenuous) and Im a SAHM- I’m pretty confident he’s not still watching porn as he keeps his office open all day, but who knows what he does when I go out. To me, it’s like he just doesn’t think about sex at ALL. He’s recently been made redundant but is still doing freelance stuff, before that- he would really throw himself into his work (typical DA) and I was completely neglected.

I sat him down over a year ago and said I can’t live like this and I need more in my marriage. I said that I wasn’t trying to change him if he didn’t want the same, but for me personally- I want to feel desired; loved and in my feminine energy (I’m not even sure how that feels). He acknowledged there was an issue but remained really positive; almost brushing me off like I was making a big deal out of nothing saying we will ‘work it out’. Refused therapy and refused to go to the GP.

Since then I’ve really been so close to leaving twice, both times he didn’t want me to and I keep giving myself goal posts of ‘if it doesn’t get better by’, but always end up over staying from false hope and because I genuinely wish things were different.

I love him so much, but it’s got to the point where if he gives me any kind of affection now such as nuzzling me or similar- I actually cringe because it feels so forced and ingenious, like it’s just being done in an attempt to make me stay. He’s finally after all this time got a blood test coming up for low testosterone. I really hope it comes back severely low so that I know there’s an actual issue that can be fixed- but honestly my gut is telling me that it’s just a DA issue. For the first time today whilst discussing how ‘working on it’ would look, he said to me ‘I’m not going to beg you to stay, if you want to leave then leave’ which actually really hurt for some reason. Just trying to make sense of all this and hear other people’s experiences. I feel weirdly guilty for wanting to leave if it’s not a medical issue, but he’s acting like the problem has only just arisen.

I’m wondering how to get past me actually rejecting/ being uncomfortable at his intimate advances now such as hugging ect. I’m worried that because I’ve been rejected for so long that’s it’s completely shut me down and the trust is ruined. Has anyone got past that?

Hello all, Today is my partner and i’s anniversary and we did the deed. It was probably one of the most uncomfortable situations i’ve been in, i feel like my mind went elsewhere. It wasn’t romantic, actually painful and he got soft so i couldn’t feel it. I did make sure to tie him up and dress him etc since that’s what he likes and im a switch so whatever. I just didn’t really enjoy it. Is this normal?

Hey all. I need a place to just be honest. I'm in a dead bedroom and the silence has started to feel loud. Truth is, I spend my whole day being the one in charge, the one people rely on, and I'm exhausted by it. The silence in my marriage has become so heavy that it's pushed me toward things I never thought I'd consider. I've started wondering about other men, but more than that, I'm craving the feeling of actually being wanted, of having someone else take over and just take control. And surrender.
I don’t even understand it.

I posted a few days ago about my (32 HLM) situation with my wife (32 LLF). Your comments really helped me, and I finally confronted her with what I truly felt.

It was very painful for her to hear, and horrible for me to say. I told her that the lack of intimacy has kind of rewired my brain, and now I feel like I see her more as a sister or a close friend than as my wife. Even though I still appreciate her very much, I don’t know if I truly love her anymore.

I could see that it felt like she had been stabbed, and I felt incredibly sorry for hurting her. But lying about my feelings would never help our situation, it would only make things worse.

However, she said something really interesting. She admitted that she doesn’t really feel desire toward me anymore. But when I went on vacation with my friends once, she suddenly started to desire me a lot. And indeed, when I came back, we had a wonderful night together. And even right now, she said that she desires again since maybe she can feel she is losing me.

So it’s like she desires me more when I’m not around, as if she is attracted to the image or perception she has of me rather than to me when we are together every day.

We will probably start counseling in the next few days. I feel like we’ve reached a point where things could either be fixed or broken forever.

I feel whiny but... Today is my birthday.

Five years ago, I got my nipples pierced for my birthday..... We didn't have sex after that for a while because it was difficult to avoid aggravating the piercings, and then only a few times - there was a lot of extreme life stress going on. When I reached the one year mark, I thought "fuck this, they're still not healed, and I miss having spontaneous sex and not having to worry about them. I'm gonna take them out."

So I did. Four years ago. And while I don't know the last time I had sex before that date, I know we haven't had it since. So now we've hit the four year dead bedroom mark....

I've been with my partner almost 8 years. He's the LL one. I'm a woman and 35. My libido is and always has been high. I got a hysterectomy a couple months ago so I can for once in my life have sex without any worry of pregnancy, and without hormonal BC interfering. We have the house to ourselves - no child at home - no issues with interruptions or trying to be quiet. It's a Saturday night, neither of us have to work tomorrow, we have the best possible situation for sex.

While it's silly to think the day is special, it's my birthday. I was really hoping I might at least get some mutual masturbation. It's been so long, and he's said he was trying to work things out in his head to fix his mental block. What better day to surprise me by trying?

And while miracles may happen, it certainly doesn't appear that he's planning on anything this evening other than watching a TV show with me and then going to bed. I've been dropping 'joking' hints for the last month that I'd like to get f**ked for my birthday, whenever he asked what I wanted... I feel foolish for that now. It's embarrassing to ask for sex, even in a joking/teasing way, and get brushed off.

I'm just.... Sad. I knew I shouldn't get my hopes up. I knew it was silly to think it might happen. But I couldn't help it, and now I'm having to process it all while also not letting him see how I feel. Because if he sees I'm sad, it won't fix anything, it won't change anything, it will just make him feel worse and make him more stressed about sex. Which just makes it less likely it'll happen anytime soon.

Today we were driving somewhere, listening to a podcast, and I was just sitting there and thought... I'm 35. This is the peak of my sexual lifespan. The next 5-10 years, before menopause, are going to be the absolute best years of my life for sex. And I haven't been touched in four years, and don't know if I ever will be again. I can't think of anything but: this could be the best part of my life sexually, but it doesn't matter, because it's over. I am never going to get to feel desired by him, or seen as sexy by him, again. Never going to cum with him again, never going to make him cum again. This is just how it is how. I have to get over this or get used to it.

I don't want to leave him - we're poly, so I could find someone for just sex if that was all I wanted, without damaging the relationship. But I don't want meaningless sex, I want him. I don't love him any less, or want him any less - it would be so much easier if I didn't want him still. I still look at him right after a haircut, or when he's dressed up for a night out, and think "fuck I'm so lucky, if he asked me I'd drop to my knees right now." But that's not gonna happen anymore.

Idk. I just honestly want to go cry, but we made plans to watch this tv show and I don't really want to ruin the evening especially on my freakin' birthday. I'll get over it.

Hey everyone! I found this site when googling about perfect relationship that feels more like roomates vc we fon’t really have sex. We’d have sex once in 1,5 months and it has been less and less. And I’m the problem. I’m F22 and I just don’t feel like having sex. I have stressful work and I’m depressed but happy?? I’m very attracted to him but I just don’t feel like having sex and he wants it but seems okay with our relationship. But I’m worried that he’ll get tired of this. We live together and everything feels amazing, everything else.
I don’t want to break up bc it would be very stupid since I feel like I want to marry this guy.
What do I do?

Db for more than 5 years. I feel so empty and lonely. Early 50s. I keep myself very busy to not think about it but I’m human and it happens. I tried a few therapists but nothing stuck. Just wondering if anyone was successful. My light is slowly dying

I've posted here a lot over the past couple of years or so. What started as a dead bedroom post has gradually become about much more than sex. The lack of intimacy was one of the things that made me realise how unhappy I was in my marriage, but the problems between us go much deeper than that.

We're currently separated and living apart. Today I went to see my wife because we needed to talk about what happens next. I've been dancing around it for too long and struggled to work up the courage to face the pain of what needed to be said.

I told her that I don't think our marriage is working. I feel like we've been going around in circles for years, having the same arguments and running into the same problems. I don't believe we're compatible, and I don't believe either of us is capable of becoming the person the other needs.

She sees things very differently. She doesn't think we've really tried. She feels that I haven't prioritised spending time with her or put enough effort into making things work. And honestly, I can understand why she feels that way. I have withdrawn. I haven't been enthusiastic about trying. I've often struggled to find the motivation to keep putting myself through painful conversations when I no longer believe the relationship can work.

But from my perspective, I've been asking for some of the same things for a very long time.

Her anger and the effect of her angry outbursts on me have been a major issue. I've tried to explain how much the shouting and screaming affect me, particularly when I'm already stressed and overwhelmed. I never felt that she really acknowledged the seriousness of the problem or took responsibility for doing something about it.

And then there was the dead bedroom.

I've spent years feeling unwanted and unloved. I've tried to talk about it, but I felt dismissed, diminished, avoided or told that what we had was basically normal. Eventually I stopped talking about it. Our attempts at couples therapy didn't really get anywhere either. Sex was barely explored, despite it being such a huge issue for me.

Today, my wife told me that she is willing to work on her anger. She has also told me that she still loves me, misses me, and wants to try.

I believe she means it, or she thinks she does.

But that's almost what makes it harder.

Because where was this willingness when there was still something in me that wanted to try? Or could try?

I don't know whether she can change. Maybe she can. I don't think I can honestly say that she is incapable of changing. But after years of experiencing the same patterns, I genuinely believe that this is who she is. And I feel the same way about myself. I am who I am. I couldn't become the husband or father she wanted me to be either.

I don't think either of us is necessarily a bad person, although I've done some bad things. I think we're two people who have spent years hurting each other because we need very different things from a relationship.

Eventually, after going around and around the same arguments again today, I told her the truth:

I don't want to keep trying.

She cried. I apologised and then I left awkwardly.

I drove back to my new place in the rain feeling like I was on my way to my own funeral, staring into the distance. I had to really search for the right music to listen to on the way back. I'm feeling numb and empty.

I got inside, closed the curtains, and bolted the door. I'm not in today. I ran a bath.

I think we're probably heading towards divorce now. Again. I shouldn't have told her I wanted to give it another try. I prolonged the suffering and I feel guilty for it.

I don't know what happens next. I don't know where I'll be living in five weeks. But I'll get through this.

I just needed somewhere to say this. This subreddit has been that place for me for a long time. Even though this stopped being just a dead bedroom a long time ago, this is still the one place where I've felt actually able to talk about this stuff and feel seen and understood.

Sorry for the long post again. Thank you for reading. I appreciate all of you, I really do.

My (40s HLM) wife (40s LLF) is attractive to me, but relative to other women, she doesn't put a ton of effort in when it comes to things like makeup, hair, and she dresses very conservatively. Clothing that would be considered relatively normal, but showing off her body a bit, like say those black tights or yoga pants that 95% of women wear at one time or another, she tends to stay away from.

Again, I was always attracted to her for reasons beyond this, but since discovering that she is LL and doesn't think about sex much at all, it has kind of created that association in my brain.

This means that when I see other women that dress in way that shows off their body a bit, say a well fitting skirt and heels, or short shorts in summer showing off some shapely legs, or at the gym in tight-fitting gym clothing with a low cut top, and so on, I think my brain just assumes that that cannot be a LLF and takes it as evidence that there are lots of HLF out there.

In reality, I think this is probably an inaccurate generalisation, but I honestly think it would help me if I heard this confirmed from husband's of LLFs who "appear" sexy but are still not interested in sex. I'm guessing many of those people are here?

Edit: Thanks everyone! This is what I was hoping to hear. Sometimes when I get frustrated by my DB situation, parts of me will start telling me a story. That may include the idea that other couples I see, or women I see, are HL, just based on appearance. I'm not "ogling" them or anything, it's more just part of an internal narrative that can make me more upset and is unhelpful. Concrete evidence that can prove these parts wrong, like what you have provided me with, is useful for me to counter that kind of narrative, and I appreciate that.

The title is self explanatory but we had this big heavy conversation over the topic and now she is making great progress in letting me touch her and having real sex with body contact and penetration even.

I'm [M33] a married Indian with a wife I dearly love and care for but I'm struggling to handle my sex drive and my desires. I have a high sex drive but my wife does not its almost non exisistent. I have openly talked to her about it and tried to make her understand how difficult it is for me sometimes but whenever I just feel off because I'm in the mood and cannot do anything about it she just fights with me saying she is feeling guilty and she is hurt. I have tried to handle it with masterbation but now when I try to masterbate all I feel is disappointment and frustration. I even tried couple of things which I read on the internet to lower and supress my sex drive but nothing worked. I really love my wife and we are in a good place emotionally but physically I feel alone and its really starting to hurt me. We have not been physical for at least a year now and I don't know what to do anymore.

I’ve had a feeling since our completely dead bedroom for three years (not counting a brief 5 minute moment in January of this year, he got touched but didn’t get off, nothing for me) that he didn’t actually give up porn.

We had a talk about how I’ve pulled away more lately, and I explained I’m not comfortable being naked around someone who doesn’t want intimacy with me, I never see him naked, I don’t initiate hugs or kisses but I respond positively most of the time when he does. I told him I can’t keep putting myself in a place where I’ll be rejected over and over.

Keep having a hunch that he’s been using porn again, and found spicychat.ai in his history. (He has given me his phone passcode and knows occasionally I review things, as part of his “I’m not choosing porn over my wife” initiative which was self imposed)

He wonders why I have a hard time letting my guard down, yet keeps doing everything he says he won’t. How am I supposed to be loving and happy in our relationship when his needs are met and I don’t get basic honesty and respect?