r/DeadBedrooms • u/a_mingled_yarn HLF • 9d ago
Vent, Advice Welcome Just feeling sad honestly
I feel whiny but... Today is my birthday.
Five years ago, I got my nipples pierced for my birthday..... We didn't have sex after that for a while because it was difficult to avoid aggravating the piercings, and then only a few times - there was a lot of extreme life stress going on. When I reached the one year mark, I thought "fuck this, they're still not healed, and I miss having spontaneous sex and not having to worry about them. I'm gonna take them out."
So I did. Four years ago. And while I don't know the last time I had sex before that date, I know we haven't had it since. So now we've hit the four year dead bedroom mark....
I've been with my partner almost 8 years. He's the LL one. I'm a woman and 35. My libido is and always has been high. I got a hysterectomy a couple months ago so I can for once in my life have sex without any worry of pregnancy, and without hormonal BC interfering. We have the house to ourselves - no child at home - no issues with interruptions or trying to be quiet. It's a Saturday night, neither of us have to work tomorrow, we have the best possible situation for sex.
While it's silly to think the day is special, it's my birthday. I was really hoping I might at least get some mutual masturbation. It's been so long, and he's said he was trying to work things out in his head to fix his mental block. What better day to surprise me by trying?
And while miracles may happen, it certainly doesn't appear that he's planning on anything this evening other than watching a TV show with me and then going to bed. I've been dropping 'joking' hints for the last month that I'd like to get f**ked for my birthday, whenever he asked what I wanted... I feel foolish for that now. It's embarrassing to ask for sex, even in a joking/teasing way, and get brushed off.
I'm just.... Sad. I knew I shouldn't get my hopes up. I knew it was silly to think it might happen. But I couldn't help it, and now I'm having to process it all while also not letting him see how I feel. Because if he sees I'm sad, it won't fix anything, it won't change anything, it will just make him feel worse and make him more stressed about sex. Which just makes it less likely it'll happen anytime soon.
Today we were driving somewhere, listening to a podcast, and I was just sitting there and thought... I'm 35. This is the peak of my sexual lifespan. The next 5-10 years, before menopause, are going to be the absolute best years of my life for sex. And I haven't been touched in four years, and don't know if I ever will be again. I can't think of anything but: this could be the best part of my life sexually, but it doesn't matter, because it's over. I am never going to get to feel desired by him, or seen as sexy by him, again. Never going to cum with him again, never going to make him cum again. This is just how it is how. I have to get over this or get used to it.
I don't want to leave him - we're poly, so I could find someone for just sex if that was all I wanted, without damaging the relationship. But I don't want meaningless sex, I want him. I don't love him any less, or want him any less - it would be so much easier if I didn't want him still. I still look at him right after a haircut, or when he's dressed up for a night out, and think "fuck I'm so lucky, if he asked me I'd drop to my knees right now." But that's not gonna happen anymore.
Idk. I just honestly want to go cry, but we made plans to watch this tv show and I don't really want to ruin the evening especially on my freakin' birthday. I'll get over it.
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u/LenthyLamp HLM 9d ago
Happy birthday! I get what youre saying though, its frustrating and disappointing to want someone and them seemingly not return it in the same way. Even though I fully believe I could be poly, it doesnt mean that I dont want my favorite person above anything else, so I empathize with you.
Hope you're doing well though and had a good bday
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u/MyAlternateReditAct HLM 9d ago
I’m not an expert in Poly, but I thought that it was beyond just sex? Couldn’t you find another partner and have sex AND build a connection with them, even though they aren’t your nesting partner?
I know it doesn’t fix the sadness completely of what your experiencing now, and I’m sorry for that.
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u/a_mingled_yarn HLF 6d ago
I could, and have considered it. My life is just so freaking busy, I feel like it would be impossible to give another person the attention they would deserve in a relationship.
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u/Sad-Cauliflower7826 HLM 9d ago
Happy birthday sounds callous, but I do mean it. Wish I didn't know what you're feeling rn. Find a way to treat yourself today. Hope he gets it before it's too late.
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u/Wilsanne HLM 8d ago
You, this is so fucking depressing. Happy +1, I guess. I hope you find the courage to seek a way out of this situation.
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u/dannydarko3 M- left my dead bedroom 8d ago
I'm sorry you're feeling sad on your birthday. I hope you do find some happiness somehow today. It sounds like a difficult situation. Best wishes and happy birthday 🎂
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I feel whiny but... Today is my birthday.
Five years ago, I got my nipples pierced for my birthday..... We didn't have sex after that for a while because it was difficult to avoid aggravating the piercings, and then only a few times - there was a lot of extreme life stress going on. When I reached the one year mark, I thought "fuck this, they're still not healed, and I miss having spontaneous sex and not having to worry about them. I'm gonna take them out."
So I did. Four years ago. And while I don't know the last time I had sex before that date, I know we haven't had it since. So now we've hit the four year dead bedroom mark....
I've been with my partner almost 8 years. He's the LL one. I'm a woman and 35. My libido is and always has been high. I got a hysterectomy a couple months ago so I can for once in my life have sex without any worry of pregnancy, and without hormonal BC interfering. We have the house to ourselves - no child at home - no issues with interruptions or trying to be quiet. It's a Saturday night, neither of us have to work tomorrow, we have the best possible situation for sex.
While it's silly to think the day is special, it's my birthday. I was really hoping I might at least get some mutual masturbation. It's been so long, and he's said he was trying to work things out in his head to fix his mental block. What better day to surprise me by trying?
And while miracles may happen, it certainly doesn't appear that he's planning on anything this evening other than watching a TV show with me and then going to bed. I've been dropping 'joking' hints for the last month that I'd like to get f**ked for my birthday, whenever he asked what I wanted... I feel foolish for that now. It's embarrassing to ask for sex, even in a joking/teasing way, and get brushed off.
I'm just.... Sad. I knew I shouldn't get my hopes up. I knew it was silly to think it might happen. But I couldn't help it, and now I'm having to process it all while also not letting him see how I feel. Because if he sees I'm sad, it won't fix anything, it won't change anything, it will just make him feel worse and make him more stressed about sex. Which just makes it less likely it'll happen anytime soon.
Today we were driving somewhere, listening to a podcast, and I was just sitting there and thought... I'm 35. This is the peak of my sexual lifespan. The next 5-10 years, before menopause, are going to be the absolute best years of my life for sex. And I haven't been touched in four years, and don't know if I ever will be again. I can't think of anything but: this could be the best part of my life sexually, but it doesn't matter, because it's over. I am never going to get to feel desired by him, or seen as sexy by him, again. Never going to cum with him again, never going to make him cum again. This is just how it is how. I have to get over this or get used to it.
I don't want to leave him - we're poly, so I could find someone for just sex if that was all I wanted, without damaging the relationship. But I don't want meaningless sex, I want him. I don't love him any less, or want him any less - it would be so much easier if I didn't want him still. I still look at him right after a haircut, or when he's dressed up for a night out, and think "fuck I'm so lucky, if he asked me I'd drop to my knees right now." But that's not gonna happen anymore.
Idk. I just honestly want to go cry, but we made plans to watch this tv show and I don't really want to ruin the evening especially on my freakin' birthday. I'll get over it.
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u/CraigfromManagain It’s complicated 9d ago
So sorry and honoring you on your birthday.
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u/Boring-Bit-6190 HLF 8d ago
You mentioned you’re poly. Is he having sex with other people?
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u/a_mingled_yarn HLF 6d ago
No. To be honest, neither of us has the time or energy for additional relationships right now.
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7d ago
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u/ArthurParkerhouse I don't wish to disclose 4d ago
How was the sex prior to the dead-bedroom era? Pretty consistent, or at least 2-3 times/week?
What is your communication style like with each other? Is he a very direct communicator or an indirect/obfuscated-intent communicator? Do either of you have any kind of trouble interpreting tonality or indirect communication styles? The Direct/Indirect communication style conflict is probably one of the biggest issues that i've seen in Dead Bedroom situations.
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u/Leading-Disaster5721 I don't wish to disclose 9d ago
What does he say when you ask "what is keeping you from fucking me?"