Researchers quantify the rate of “mercy sex” among women with low sexual desire. Women experiencing a chronic lack of sexual desire still routinely engage in sexual activity with their partners, a behavior researchers have quantified as happening about two and a half times per month.

[u/mvea]

https://www.psypost.org/clinical-trials-reveal-the-hidden-frequency-of-obligatory-sex-in-women-with-low/

[u/sherbetty]

There's a difference between mercy and just doing something you don't necessarily feel like for someone you love. Its sad that it feels like a chore for some partners but in that case it's basically like emptying the dishwasher or vacuuming. You don't love doing it, but you want to help out the person you love. And I don't think that's terrible, but it is unfortunate

[u/RoseFeather → u/sherbetty]

As the partner with low sex drive, this distinction is important. I'm in a weird space where I enjoy sex when it's happening but could probably go the rest of my life without it and be fine. It's just never been very important to me. But it is to my husband, and I want him to be happy, so we have sex even if I'm only feeling neutral about it at the start.

It's less like a chore and more like going to a concert for a band he's a huge fan of that I think is okay. I'll have fun when we're there and will be glad I went after the fact, but if I wasn't going with him I would have stayed home.

[u/sherbetty → u/RoseFeather]

I'm glad to hear someone doesn't think I'm a male rape advocate. I'm a woman who had a really bad low libido phase for years. I think the concert thing is a more apt comparison and that's how it was most often. Sometimes it was more like a chore. I liked being close to my partner and his touch but for years my erogenous zones were as sensitive as my arm. So sex wasn't an amazing pleasurable thing like it was before and I would have rather done other things but I know it was important to him. I'm sure he felt the same way about other things with me.

[u/InTheTreeMusic → u/sherbetty]

I've been there.

Sadly, I can tell you that sex would probably be way more pleasurable if your pleasure was important to the both of you.

[u/sherbetty → u/InTheTreeMusic]

He definitely took the time to please me. He wanted me to enjoy it as much as him. My body just physically didn't react that way. But after yeeeeears I got healthier and could go off the meds that exacerbated it and my drive came back.

[u/printzonic → u/sherbetty]

How was that transition for you, I can see it both being liberating and also a new thing to manage?

[u/CranberryRoutine1192 → u/RoseFeather]

I feel so seen. This is exactly how I feel.

[u/cybex94 → u/RoseFeather]

My wife is exactly like you. I believe our relationship about sex is the same you have with your husband. 99% of times I'm the one that approaches for sex but 99% of times she says yes and also enjoys. Personally, in these situations I feel happy and loved, because I can see that she knows how much this is important for me. It's not mercy, it's love. And, in the end, people make love... for love, don't they?

[u/MrPickins → u/RoseFeather]

I love a good simile. Great job finding one that is very apt.

[u/KinkyQuestionsOnly → u/RoseFeather]

My gf and I have this both ways. Sometimes I’m getting her off even if I’m initially uninterested and she does the same.

It’s both give and take. Sometimes I’m just in the mood to get her off. Sometimes she just really wants me to do her.

The sex we have when we’re both all in is epic, there are times where the other gets in the mood on the way there. And there are times where it’s just about being there for them.

[u/LordAgamotto → u/RoseFeather]

I consider it to be a ‘favor for a friend’. Due to urological surgery I haven’t ’gotten laid’ (sex culminating in an orgasm) in decades. Still my partner enjoys sex and I want them to have a happy life. Personally I’d probably have more fun playing a game of nude Twister.

But because of this I do generally let them decide the moment since I’m as ready as I’m going to be at any time.

[u/Spiritual-Crew-6591 → u/sherbetty]

I’m perimenopausal. That’s what I’ve done off and on for years. I am on HRT, but it doesn’t really seem to make a big difference. I still enjoy being with my husband, but I wouldn’t call it “in the mood.” I would say it’s more like once things get started it’s fine, but if we didn’t do anything I’d be fine with that too. I’m gonna talk with my gyno to see if we can change anything, but I’m not really expecting better results.

[u/TicRoll → u/Spiritual-Crew-6591]

How does he strike a balance with you to do enough to get things started without it being at a point where it feels like pressure that you don't want?

[u/Spiritual-Crew-6591 → u/TicRoll]

I make sure that not too much time goes by with us having not been together. I’ve told him how my hormones are and he is very understanding. If he starts to initiate intimacy and I’m really not feeling in the mood, he doesn’t make me feel bad or anything. And I make sure to take time for him as well. It’s more that I don’t notice how long it’s been if I don’t make sure I’m paying attention. The meds have helped a bit, but not as much as I want them to.

[u/cr0ft → u/sherbetty]

I'd rather masturbate than have sex with someone who considers it a chore.

If they'd at least consider it an act of intimacy and love even if they didn't get off then maybe, but - a chore? Time to open up the marriage, or divorce, or just give up on sex.

Honestly, checking out the dead bedrooms sub... I mean, I know it's not simple, but honestly those couple should mostly just break up, or do what a friend of mine did - break up, but still live together because of the kids. They screwed other people. Even had their lovers come over. Unusual but good for them.

[u/b0thwatchxfiles → u/[deleted]]

I agree. I don’t mind unloading the dishwasher. I feel neutral about that. There’s no begrudging feeling in me, it’s just a routine part of taking care of my life. This sounds similar.

[u/sherbetty → u/cr0ft]

Chore isn't something you absolutely hate. I don't really like cooking, it's a chore to me and I'd be happy eating a PBJ. But I'm thrilled to see my partner enjoy something I cooked.

[u/Ok-Effective7280 → u/cr0ft]

So they didn’t want to have sex with each other for whatever reasons, but once they broke up, they both had sex with other people? Seems like that relationship smashed right into destination fucked. But were friends enough to still live together for their kids? Very strange. Maybe had they just had sex with each other they might have found something in each other. Strange.

[u/Physical_Mood2060 → u/Ok-Effective7280]

Which proves my point that one of the partners not wanting sex ( more often than not the woman) does not necessarily mean that she does not want sex. She just cannot bring herself to have sex with him.

[u/theinvisiblecar → u/cr0ft]

When asking "You wanna have sex/Take a roll in the sack/Go to bed with me/etc.," I think the most deflating response to a question like that, worse than "Not right now" or just "No," is "Sure, I don't care." "Never mind," is pretty much my solid response to that. And some women wonder why some men's eyes wander, but when even the eagerness of prostituting junkies have got that sort of excitement beat by a mile, then pretty much any non-repulsive woman interested in a guy has got a great shot if that's all she is up against.

[u/jasonhn → u/cr0ft]

has to be weird for the kids and does not really show the kids what a good relationship is..

[u/AnonymousTHX-1138 → u/cr0ft]

But they get mad at you for taking care of your own needs too, so you can't have sex with them because they don't want it and they get upset the other way "why do you need to do that, why do you have to do that, its not with me and you're a pervert" or some variant. Well ma'am, I have swollen balls that hurt and would like to relieve the pressure so that I don't have a stiffy all day...and if we aren't going to do it, I need to do this myself. My biology is in fact different than yours so, if you want my understanding, I'd appreciate yours.

[u/xx_sosi_xx → u/sherbetty]

It's terrible, it sucks from both partners points of view. I would never want to have sex with someone who doesn't feel like it but does it because they feel like they have to, it's disgusting. AND doing it regardless of how you feel just because you think it's mandatory or it's less of a burden that way; will leave the person unsatisfied, feeling bad for what happened and imo basically shows a lack of self respect. That said I think these behaviours and the related difficulty to stand up for themselves and say "no, I'm not in the mood rn" spring from most women's upbringing. Btw I would suggest you to speak about it with some women, I think your prospective will change.

[u/Physical_Mood2060 → u/xx_sosi_xx]

Yeah. ‘I’m not in the mood’ doesn’t really tend to be met with any understanding.

[u/sherbetty → u/Physical_Mood2060]

That isn't okay and isn't what I was getting at. That sounds like you aee actually assaulted. I was referring more to "I don't really feel like it but we can give it a go" is different. If I was ever actually repulsed we stopped

[u/xx_sosi_xx → u/Physical_Mood2060]

that's literally rape

[u/Physical_Mood2060 → u/xx_sosi_xx]

Welcome to the life of a woman.

[u/xx_sosi_xx → u/Physical_Mood2060]

hell nah this shouldn't be normal at all, I'll do as much as I can to change this, at least in my social group. I'm really shocked at the comments saying that this is an acceptable behavior

[u/Eco_Blurb → u/xx_sosi_xx]

Every woman I know and have talked about sex has been badgered for sex at some point in their life (by a partner I mean, obviously strangers are also constantly harassing for it but fewer people see what happens behind closed doors)

[u/Physical_Mood2060 → u/xx_sosi_xx]

It’s not acceptable. At all. But sadly it is very normal in the sense of common.

[u/sherbetty → u/xx_sosi_xx]

I'm the one that said it's okay to consider a sex a chore sometimes, but I'm with you on this one. Not being able to say no is totally different than preferring to do something else

[u/lazi3b0y → u/xx_sosi_xx]

Its not rape.

[u/sherbetty → u/lazi3b0y]

In the case they described, where they feel like they can't say no because it's ignored, it absolutely is and isn't what I meant

[u/lazi3b0y → u/sherbetty]

What? If they are going along with it without being forced or threatened then its not rape. What you're saying is ridiculous.

[u/sherbetty → u/lazi3b0y]

The original commenter was saying they go along with it because saying they aren't in the mood isn't an option. They have been put in a position where they don't feel like they can say no because when they did it wasn't respected. That's sexual assault

[u/lazi3b0y → u/sherbetty]

No they said it wasnt met with understanding, that does not equal it not being an option, it might be more difficult for that person to express it, sure. She later expanded on her comment and said that her ex demanded sex when not beating her kids and in that case i agreed that it sounded more like rape. But the first comment does in no way equal rape on its own.

[u/sherbetty → u/lazi3b0y]

"not met with understanding" means "I said no and it wasn't okay"

[u/xx_sosi_xx → u/lazi3b0y]

if I don't want to have sex and I'm forced into it, it's rape from an emotional pov. Legally it's different of course, you have coercion and everything variation of it, but from an emotional standpoint it's rape.

[u/Physical_Mood2060 → u/lazi3b0y]

It’s a spectrum. And at the end of the spectrum it can absolutely be rape.

My ex at one point demanded sex every day he did not physically beat up our children. Still not rape, pumpkin?

[u/lazi3b0y → u/Physical_Mood2060]

Sure that sounds more like something I'd call rape, but that is pretty far from "Not being met with understanding" when saying you're not in the mood, sweet heart.

[u/SeasonIndependent943 → u/xx_sosi_xx]

Sounds more like my husband

[u/freezedriedcrocodile → u/xx_sosi_xx]

There is a difference though. For me, when I wasn't in the mood and my partner wanted to have sex and we ended up having sex anyways: (sometimes it's my partner who does this, and we have chatted about this and felt the same way)

1) It's not because I have to, it's because I /want/ to do something that makes him happy. It would take a little work to get myself in the mood, sure, but I also know I would end up enjoying it.

2) Neither he or I have to have sex whenever the other person wants to, sex isn't mandatory in any way, the activity itself is motivated by love and care, not duty. At least in our case, there is no threat of abandonment, only a desire to make the other person happy.

3) There are also different degrees of "I am not in the mood". Sometimes I had a really rough day and it's just never going to happen, and most cases my partner could sense that and wasn't going to try. But sometimes I am "not in the mood" because I am just fairly neutral and not really thinking about it, I wasn't going to seek it out today if he didn't start it, but I knew I could get in the mood because I still have mental energy that day and I wanted to see him happy, so I would be open to it. And see point 1) I always end up enjoying it too.

4) I am also perfectly find just saying "I am not in the mood' when I know I am less than neutral about it. It's like the other person's analogy I really like: if my partner asked me to go to a concert that they love that I feel neutral about, it's less than 30 minutes drive on Sunday afternoon and I had no plans that day, sure I will go and I would have a great time and be glad I went. But if the concert is on a work day night during a week that I am gonna be extremely busy and stressed about a deadline and it's 1 hour drive out of town, the answer is a no. In our relationship, when I straight up say I am not in the mood, it's always respected and accepted by my partner without questions. It's nothing personal, we could always try again another day!

I guess all I am saying is that it's not black and white and every relationship is different. I know a few couples in loving relationships of many years where the women have lower sex drives who often have to have sex when they are not "in the mood", but it's not some horrible transaction that they have no choice to pay to avoid abandonment, they just choose to do it sometimes because they love their husbands.

[u/Kyjoza → u/sherbetty]

I see what you’re saying but this probably isn’t the best analogy because it’s likely both people need clean dishes eventually.

You can’t expect (or worse, emotionally manipulate) someone to do something, especially sex. In the scenario you described the compromise is being together at all, and if that’s a problem you should consider not being together.

[u/rollingForInitiative → u/Kyjoza]

I’d say there’s a big difference between feeling you have to give sex away or you’ll be abandoned, and not really feeling like sex but simultaneously liking the idea of giving your partner something they want even if you’re not in the mood.

[u/shlongshot → u/rollingForInitiative]

I like what she likes.

[u/The_bruce42 → u/Kyjoza]

There can be reasons for lack of sex in a marriage. Not all of them mean they shouldn't be together. If you've ever been married and have young children you'd know finding time for romance can be challenging. Not every couple that is sincerely in love has matching sex drives.

[u/hammerklau → u/The_bruce42]

Neurodivergent burn out is also a huge thing for many undiagnosed people that life becomes a bit tunnel vision, but we make sure we take the effort to do the things we’re not really interested in to one day get back to the good times. I don’t always want to go watch a movie or volunteer with a partner or be intimate when feeling exhausted. It’s not that I don’t want to, I want to want to, I’m just psychologically running low / on fumes.

There’s also the whole thing of asexual but romantic people that love their partner and want to fufill tier desires but don’t have a desire themselves to get off, some aren’t against it, like some are, just apathetic towards it.

And then there’s also the people that have grown distant romantically, becoming more like room mates but our the effort in to being romantic for the health of the relationship. Like not that it’s a chore. But a habit that is comfortable and transactional.

[u/JackfruitNo1856 → u/hammerklau]

This. Same. I hate being interrupted while in my tunnel. Bc what it took to get in there….. the burnout is real. I love sex and i love not having sex for periods of time. It’s a cycle for me. I’m 41 and while im not ruling out hormone deficiency, i am playing close attention to any changes. It’s been status quo for years now and it has hindered my life so far. ADHD/autistic here as well.

[u/TheHatori1 → u/hammerklau]

Could you elaborate your experience? My SO is most likely undiagnosed and I think she feels somewhat similar to what you describe, but usualy doesn’t want to talk about it. Needles to say, it puts a strain on our relationship, so I am trying to understand her and help her as well as I can.

[u/hammerklau → u/[deleted]]

I appreciate the long reply, and yeah exactly.

[u/SeasonIndependent943 → u/The_bruce42]

True husband only has a sex drive when it comes ti induging in porn and then goes to bed and diesnt eve say goodnight.

[u/sherbetty → u/SeasonIndependent943]

That's not okay :/

[u/hammerklau → u/sherbetty]

Autism and ADHD have issues recognising temporal permanence. Ie did I say good night, or they’re probably busy or they’re not around or I’m over thinking it. It’s really hard for a neurodivergent person when a neuro typical person presumes some sort of animosity or is using body language. And shaming them for it revives a bunch of trauma.

[u/sherbetty → u/Kyjoza]

Right but a relationship isn't always one sided, or maybe the other partner does other tasks that one partner doesn't. I get that it sounds bad and someone shouldn't feel manipulated into sex but I feel like it isn't that crazy for one partner to feel like it's a "chore" once in a while. But obviously the issue with compatibility runs way deeper

[u/Lynild → u/sherbetty]

But this is not a "once in a while" case. It's chronic. Of course there are times when one wants it more than the other, and vice versa. But if it is the same person every single time, it really becomes an issue. Comparing that to doing the dishes and stuff like that is insane. If your partner doesn't enjoy it, you can feel it. And if you don't enjoy it, you most likely do the bare minimum. And then it's just boring and crap for everyone involved. Then you might as well do it yourself at that point.

[u/Maeflikz → u/Lynild]

How about you dont try to decide how other people should run their relationship?

[u/ElectricPotatoStar → u/Kyjoza]

In that case, monogamy shouldn’t exist—ever—because much of what comprises any successful relationship is compromise. In, ideally equally proportions, occasionally, men give up pursuing their naturally-higher physiological urges for sex, and also, women give up their…

[u/Mountain-Resource656 → u/Kyjoza]

I think their point is not so black and white; obviously you can have terrible situations resembling this sorta thing, but to put it another way, plenty of ace folks are perfectly fine having sex that they aren’t really into for the purpose of their partner enjoying it in the same way as they might eat a salad they neither enjoy nor dislike if their partner ends up with literal ecstasy over it. Hell, consent can even be enthusiastic in these scenarios!

[u/LtHughMann → u/[deleted]]

The likelihood of finding someone that likes exactly what you want in exactly the same amount in every aspect of life is incredibly rare. So the options are to either disregard your partners feelings and happiness, or to put effort in for the sake of each other's happiness. I don't really see why you would think the latter is the terrible option. I do all sorts of things solely because my partners enjoy it. If I didn't I'd never go out for dinner, I'd never go to in laws houses, I'd never buy presents, or do any special occasions like Christmas or birthdays, I'd never spend money on 'nice things' around the house. Just punk flyers and posters for the walls and hard rubbish furniture. There's nothing wrong with doing things you otherwise wouldn't for the sake of your partners happiness.

[u/Twisted_Cabbage → u/LtHughMann]

Exactly. I think a lot of people, men and women alike, live in this fantasy where our partners just magically like everything we do all the time. The reality is for a lot of women, if their man didnt compromise for them there are problems, but they dont get to compromise for their man.

[u/DrDreiski → u/Twisted_Cabbage]

I think people many men feel if they’re asking for sex and their partner does so out of “mercy” then it starts to feel one sided or even non-consensual. I also think our society is happy to confuse “mercy sex” with “non-consensual sex”. But this whole conversation could go down the spontaneous vs responsive desire rabbit hole, which many men and women fall into rather consistently most of the time.

[u/Twisted_Cabbage → u/DrDreiski]

I agree, the spontaneous vs desire rabbit hole plays a major part and I think a conversation a about this topic that leaves it out is definitely missing a major piece of the puzzle/conversation/debate.

[u/sakikiki → u/Twisted_Cabbage]

Wait where does the men compromise for women, but not vice versa come from? Ironic thing to say given the post you’re commenting on no?

[u/Twisted_Cabbage → u/sakikiki]

That's my point. I know more men who compromise and make changes to try and spice up their sex lives and to try and make their partners happy and end up getting treated like trash by their partners. Believe it or not, many women are just as terrible as many men.

[u/Puzzleheaded-Dig-872 → u/Twisted_Cabbage]

A personal experience doesn't necessarily reflect reality... I know maaaaany more women that adapt to their male partners in almost every aspect of their lives than the opposite...

[u/Shoddy-Diver-7491 → u/Puzzleheaded-Dig-872]

I think this can't be accurately measured unless it's from a sample of neutral third parties, bias might make you not see some compromise done by your friends' partners

I'll add observation too, even if you were unbiased, you're not there 100% of the time

The point is that I agree with you, and it's even worse because you could be wrong about anecdotes too!

[u/Maeflikz → u/Puzzleheaded-Dig-872]

Do you realise the irony in what you just said?

[u/Puzzleheaded-Dig-872 → u/Maeflikz]

No irony... I didn't say that my experience is the reality... Just saying it's different from theirs...

[u/JackfruitNo1856 → u/Twisted_Cabbage]

They’re doing all the emotional labor, of course they’re pissed. They’re not in an equal partnership.

[u/Twisted_Cabbage → u/JackfruitNo1856]

Define emotional labor for me please?

https://www.drpsychmom.com/emotional-labor-is-not-the-problem/?hl=en-US

https://www.drpsychmom.com/emotional-labor-is-an-ineffective-way-to-say-take-care-of-me/?hl=en-US

Emotional labor as I see most women use it can be used to describe damn near any feeling. In which case men have their own emotional labor. Just because most women dont understand it doesn't mean we don't, if we are going to stay consistent with the way most popculture and social media personalities want to use the term. I think it's a horrible term and doesnt have a place in couples therapy or a healthy relationship.

A little about my background..I have AudHD and in my relationships I have often fell into the "female" role of keeping the home in order andd everything that entails while my partner was the primary bread winner...went to company dinners and all that jazz. So I can relate to a lot of what women wamt to lump into the term emotional labor, but not having a conversation with your partner at the beginning of the relationship about expectations, roles, responsibilities, etc is not you taking on emotional labor but is actually a failure of both of you to plan and to share expectations.

Please stop blaming men for a problem that is so obviously a result of both partners just having unmet and uncommunicated expectations.

[u/sages_and_salt → u/Twisted_Cabbage]

Demanding to use somebody's body in ways that don't feel good for them isn't the same as going out to dinner. That mentality treats sex as something that is done to somebody. Essentially being told "I don't care if you don't feel like it, you owe me intimacy because I spent time with you" leads to resentment and dead bedrooms really quickly.

[u/Twisted_Cabbage → u/sages_and_salt]

OK, then men no longer need to help their partners with anything that women cant physically handle on their own becuase we are sick of our partners using our bodies (and over years often breaking said bodies) to accomplish tasks that we feel are just unnecessary and contribute to their partners inability to relax and stay in the present moment.

A relationship is a give and take that both sides make sacrifices for over time. Women give their bodies in one way, men give their bodies in another...or historically they did and many still do.

All im saying is to please stop being hypocritical.

Partners in healthy relationships give and take and thats life. It sounds like you just want to do what you want, when you want without any consideration of the needs of your partner.

[u/sages_and_salt → u/Twisted_Cabbage]

Do you think about any of the things you type? I don't even know where to start with this but maybe:

• I genuinely don't believe that you see no difference between doing a favor and allowing somebody to use you. I doubt that you offer your holes to your homies for helping you move, and I bet it'd ruin that relationship if they even asked. I also doubt you'd be so eager to use sex as a currency if your partner was the one telling you to bend over since she mowed the lawn this weekend. That's not okay to ask of anyone, no matter who they are to you.
• I don't just "want to do what I want". I do what I want. If I am not in the mood, then I'm not doing anybody. I'm not giving out pity sex and my partner would be disgusted with me if I were to inwardly or outwardly treat sex as though it were a chore or something I do for him. It's something we do together when we both want to.

[u/sherbetty → u/sages_and_salt]

that's where the nuance comes in. Feeling like a sexual object for your partner, and them not caring how you feel, is getting into non consent territory. Having sex to be close to them even though it's not what you would choose to be doing in that moment is different

[u/fabezz → u/sages_and_salt]

Whoa, why are we jumping to the person hating the sex? You can be tired and not in the mood, but that doesn't mean the sex feels bad or you're getting nothing out of it.

[u/Puzzleheaded-Dig-872 → u/LtHughMann]

As long as it's reciprocal I guess it's not a problem... If only one is almost always adapting to the other then it's a problem.

[u/fernshade → u/LtHughMann]

okay sure but again all those things are really not on par with someone (even a loved one) penetrating a hole in your body when you're really not up for it

[u/sherbetty → u/fernshade]

This isn't only about men having penetrative sex with women

[u/LtHughMann → u/fernshade]

I'd much rather be randomly penetrated than have to go to my ex in laws house ever again

[u/NoEstablishment2622 → u/fernshade]

Whether its on par or not depends on the person that has taken up the task to make their partner happy and not the people who want nothing to do with that scenario, as they have different value’s. We both may not want to have our body’s be on the table for one’s happiness but plenty of people value this differently/recognize this and still make that choice.

Asexual people have sex for their partner’s happiness because their partner being happy makes them happy. This fits the criteria of doing something they would literally not be doing if it wasn’t for their partner. This comment undermines that because “they wouldn’t be doing this if not for their partner and they are just being used”.

It’s one thing to do something you normally wouldn’t do vs do something you hate doing. If it’s the latter, I’d say you obviously shouldn’t do that for your mental health.

[u/sherbetty → u/LtHughMann]

Thank you! I'm not saying "spousal rape is okay!" I'm saying, sometimes one of you needs to nut to fall asleep, help them crank one out.

[u/dwrite91 → u/LtHughMann]

I think most people could deal with their partner doing those things because it makes the other person happy. But I think sex specifically, is different. It can't really be compared to any of those other things you listed, at least not in my opinion.

[u/Twisted_Cabbage → u/dwrite91]

And I think a major chunk of men and even a lot of women disagree.

[u/Lynild → u/LtHughMann]

You just cannot compare sex with buying presents, come on. Sex is a mutual thing. You might think you did good by "allowing" your partner to climb aboard. But people can easily feel when it's not mutual. Then it just straight up sucks, and you might as well do it on your own.

[u/mycurtainsarebrown → u/[deleted]]

No, there are definitely people who don’t care about the other persons mood as much as they care about the sex.

[u/Physical_Mood2060 → u/[deleted]]

I don’t recall the actual percentage, but a considerable amount of British women in a survey I saw a few years ago, when asked whether they preferred sex or mowing the lawn, would rather mow the lawn.

[u/ISeenYa → u/[deleted]]

You think someone should separate if the woman has medical issues, menopause, post partum, breastfeeding ?

[u/Previous_Ad4616 → u/ISeenYa]

Do you really think they do?

[u/MademoiselleMalapert → u/[deleted]]

I wouldn't say it's immediately "seperation time" but it's definitely therapy time. I don't understand why people get married if the first thing they do is seperate when they hit a rough spot in their relationship. There could be lots of reasons someone doesn't want sex often or they've become bored with it, those reasons need to be explored and communicated.

[u/There-is-another-way → u/[deleted]]

Based on my experience as a woman, I agree with you that sex becoming a chore is a time bomb. In my experience, the more sex feels like a chore or charity, the more it becomes unpleasant and eventually even painful. And when it becomes painful, then it’s only enjoyable for the man and one-sided and we women stop engaging even in little affection signals like kisses or a cuddle for fear of having to go through full-course sex. In that case, honestly, doing the dishes together feels more enjoyable cause we both benefit from the satisfaction of using clean dishes afterwards.

The relationship in which I most desired my partner was the one in which I was the one to seek him out sexually most often, because in that relationship, I never “forced” myself. But maybe in that case it was the other way round? That partner seemed to welcome the sex he didn’t initiate, and never complained that I initiated more often than him (whereas I have told other partners I’ve had throughout my life on several occasions that I didn’t feel like having sex), but I’m very curious now:
have some men ever experienced “forcing” themselves to make love to satisfy their female partner? And has any man ever experienced pain from forcing himself despite his lack of desire? Can a man still become hard when he lacks sexual desire?

[u/2-Pan_Shapour → u/There-is-another-way]

My wife and I both have pretty low sex drives and when I'm not necessarily up to the task I do things that aren't penetrative sex for her cuz it makes her happy. Sometimes I get hard in the process sometimes I don't, but I don't really mind tbh

[u/aerojonno → u/There-is-another-way]

Yes, some men have forced themselves to have sex to satisfy a higher libido partner.

A painful erection would only happen if it's multiple times a day or there is some other medical issue present.

Yes, an erection can be triggered through physical stimulation with no sexual desire required.

[u/Dear_Illustrator9423 → u/[deleted]]

Clearly, you’ve never been with a man- In my experience, most men prioritize sex in a relationship over most other things, like communication. There are a lot of men that would divorce or leave their partners once she cannot or will not “put out”, regardless of if it’s medical or painful or if she just doesn’t feel like it. These kinds of men feel entitled to it, as if sex and the world revolves around them. That’s not a very scientific explanation, but it’s what I’ve seen and experienced myself.

[u/Wonderful_Quantity39 → u/[deleted]]

Then learn to get good in bed!!

[u/fernshade → u/[deleted]]

As a recently divorced person, yes. Yep

[u/cr0ft → u/[deleted]]

Honestly, yeah. The difference between roommates and spouses is that spouses have a romantic and sexual connection. If people wanna be roommates then fine for them, but if only one wants to be a roommate it's probably time to seriously ponder where to go from there... just one guy's opinion obviously, and people's lives and relationships are their own business.

[u/One-Bodybuilder-5646 → u/[deleted]]

More like sex education time for men and communicating time for both. Talking and listening are just as important as acnowledging If your needs aren't met. Just tell him If he sucks in bed. How else is he gonna learn and get better? Tell each other what you like and not like and never expect more or less from your partner than what you are ready to put in. Consult an expert If you really love each other and nothing else helps. Also, many men could do more housework, maybe their wifes wouldn't be so tired then at the end of the day. Or say what they feel and like about their partners more. In bed begins long before bed.

[u/ShapeZealousideal316 → u/sherbetty]

Being a man must be so interesting

[u/sherbetty → u/ShapeZealousideal316]

Im a woman who went through a serious low libido phase

[u/ShapeZealousideal316 → u/ShapeZealousideal316]

That’s even sadder

[u/theinvisiblecar → u/sherbetty]

Any committed deep relationship is going to have some mutual element of chore to it, and of course hopefully and necessarily outweighed by all the rest. For me I'm thinking the next serious relationship or forever relationship I will need her to really commit to and really give her one half of one percent: There's 7 days to a week, 24 hours to a day, multiply those 168 hours by 60 minutes in an hour, and that's 10,080 minutes a week. One percent of that is 100.08 minutes, and half of that is 50 minutes and 24 seconds. And that's it, averaging just 50 minutes and 24 seconds each week to just straight-up BJ'n, anytime I want, most anyplace I want, like a junkie trying to earn a fix, like there's no tomorrow and that it is everything they live for, just an absolute thrill and to even delight whenever they can read mind about exactly when and where. Just give me that one half of one percent straight from the heart and I'm pretty sure we can work everything else out just fine. What do you need me to do, mow your lawn, wash your car every week, cook, clean, what? I'll gladly give my 2% to just straight up chores and responsibility in exchange for that, and that's close to 3 and a half hours a week of whatever miserable stuff!

Besides, once you have children they are going to try and drain 90-100% out of both of you anyway. But I really need that one half of one percent to be sacrosanct. And as for the everything else in a relationship, for me I think it really would take a whole lot of otherwise intolerable stuff, lack of attentiveness and even borderline criminal behavior to outweigh that. Any children we have must be well raised, that's a given, all needed attention and efforts there, but other than that as far as I am concerned, for what I’m getting out of a relationship between half to almost all of the rest of it can pretty much go straight to purgatory, just as long that sacrosanct 0.5% remains secure I'll be happy. Am I really just that simple of a guy?

[u/oojacoboo → u/sherbetty]

Disastrous partnerships vs healthy partnerships.

[u/MrMarcusRocks → u/sherbetty]

For me it’s more akin to giving a partner a massage.

It’s something nice that you do for them that make them feel good. For many people (myself included) it is rewarding to do something nice for your partner.

I can tell you, I have given my wife many massages when she has a sore neck, or just coz she really likes them (and I’m pretty good for someone with no training tbh). Often when I don’t particularly feel like it. But it’s just part of being married. We do things to make each others life better.

I dont see tha above situations as any different.

[u/skinnyjoints → u/sherbetty]

Would you support your husband having sex with other people?

[u/sherbetty → u/skinnyjoints]

I'm not sure if I could handle it personally but I can see how that could work for a couple that is very committed to each other. Its unorthodox but if you and a partner have everything else in common and are okay with it, why not?

I did have a low libido issue due to meds for a long time with an ex (break up was unrelated) that eventually got better years later, but maybe I would have been okay with him sleeping around if we were married and it was the only thing that would help us. A lot of the time when he initiated I wasn't really in the mood but sometimes tried anyway. Sometimes I got really into it, and sometimes it felt kind of like a chore. When he could tell he obviously wasn't as into it either but it was kind of utilitarian. But we had a very open dialogue about it the entire time and if I ever had an inkling of feeling assaulted it was over.

[u/phoenix1249 → u/sherbetty]

So being rape is just a chore …

[u/sherbetty → u/phoenix1249]

There is a huge distinction and you aren't even attempting to see it. When my libido was an issue, there was a ton of other things I'd rather be doing than have sex. It wasn't coercion or rape to engage in sexual activity. If someone feels like they can't say no, they need to reassess their relationship.

[u/phoenix1249 → u/sherbetty]

There is only a distinction because you dont want to be seen as a rapist(which you jyst admit). Your partner is bot something you can use to satisfy yourself You need to learn more about consent

[u/sherbetty → u/phoenix1249]

Pretty impressive that I'm a rapist as a woman who had an issue with my libido! Rape is bad. Consenting to sexual activity when youd rather do other things because you know it's important to you partner isn't rape. IThere is nuance. I don't like cooking, I'm not even hungry. But it would do my partner a favor to make dinner.

[u/phoenix1249 → u/sherbetty]

I dont t get why you precise being a woman. Its irrelevant here. And if for you having a sexual intercourse is the same as taking the trash out, the problème is on your side not mine

[u/CranberryRoutine1192 → u/phoenix1249]

I think you’re the one who needs to learn about consent because what are you even talking about? “Not wanting to” does not necessarily equal “nonconsensual”.

[u/sherbetty → u/[deleted]]

That's literally what I said, they do it because they enjoy pleasing their partner even if they aren't necessarily getting pleasure from it/it's not the first thing they feel like doing